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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 24 2007 at 4:10am | IP Logged
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What do you do? Our daughter's foster carer is, I'm sure, a lovely woman but has a little bit of the attitude that she is wonderful for being a foster carer and wants to be the centre of attention.
I'm tired of the mixed messages. When I said about using a baby carrier, I was told baby would hate it because she doesn't like faces, and then today watching a dvd of FC talking she says how much the baby loves eye contact and looking in the face of whoever is with her. And she said how important she will be to baby, and how she has to be present at every meeting to write down how she approved because that will be so important to baby - our son was older when he left his FC and had been there longer and she is not important to him anymore.
I don't know how I can cope with all the nonsense she talks. She thinks it is soooo good how quiet the baby is, how she sleeps and doesn't cry if she wakes, and how she will go with anyone etc - but that to me is a bad sign, not a good one. We hear how attached baby is to her, but in the dvd baby looks uncomfortable with some of the attention, and at other times is clearly dissociating from her.
How have others handled this stage? We have a week of being her new best friends in her home and ours and I feel I will scream. All the unwanted advice - yurgh! I want to just get home with baby, shut the door and be "just us", which is what baby needs so much, I think.
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: Sept 24 2007 at 7:30am | IP Logged
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Well, it looks like this last week will be miserable for you. No one likes to have two moms, especially when you are deliberately trying to bond with the child and then break that attachment with the other mom. It's going to a be a difficult transition as it always is. You seem to be on the right track with recognizing what your fd is going through. I mean, she should be crying and better with people. That's just part of the attachment disorder that probably is going to get a little worse with her move. Since you're on this board, you are probably Catholic and what better time to use those St. Therese beads to offer up each little irritation when you are with the other mom. Try to aim for ten and then when that's up, then you can be irritated too. Or better yet offer up some more beads for the intention of your fd bonding quickly and well with you. Even if you don't have the beads just use your fingers. It's just an idea that I use when times get tough. Anyone in your situation would be a little put-off by another woman acting as your future child's mom. I definitely stand behind you on wearing your baby. That's always the best with children. If she doesn't stand for looking at faces, then just turn her backwards in the sling but still keep touching her. -BlessedBGod JM J
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Essy
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| Posted: Sept 24 2007 at 3:17pm | IP Logged
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I say just put up with it for a little bit and then she'll be out of your life anyway and you can just do what you want. I never really went through this though, so might not be too much help. My dd was in foster care for six weeks and I just spoke with her foster mom on the phone and she was great and then I met her face to face the day that we picked her up...we still stay in touch with once a year Christmas letters and that's it. With my ds, he had been in foster care for three months...but the social worker was the one that dropped him off at my house, so I had no contact whatsoever with his foster care givers. Interesting how each situation is so different in the world of adoption.
Praying for you.
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Wife to Roy since Sept 1985
Mom to Sarah(May 2002)and Christian (August 2003)
Praying In the Moment
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c_rob
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| Posted: Sept 26 2007 at 7:16pm | IP Logged
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Oh dear, Lucy. What a terrible time she is putting you through. You did not say how old your beautiful new daughter is, but if you a planning to use a carrier, she is probably still an infant. Let me reassure you that an infant who has made a successful primary bond (and that is the real purpose of foster care) should transfer the bond very smoothly to the new care giver - you! If the child is under 3 months, this generally takes place within 2 - 7 days. If the child is 3 - 6 months, add another few days. Add another week for 6 -12 months, but be aware that the pining stops after only a few days.
Your foster carer sounds horrible. Her job, at the point of transfer, is to empower you - for the sake of the child that she loves. She sounds more wrapped up in her own grieving and less committed to making your adoption a great success. Focus on the great joy your new d will bring. Grit your teeth. Pray for the fc. I will be praying for you. Pray for me, too. My darling foster daughter (6 months), whom we have had since birth, transitions in 3 weeks time.
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Christine, in Australia
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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 27 2007 at 3:14am | IP Logged
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Thanks for your thoughts, ladies.
BlessedBGod, I am actually an anglo-catholic right now, hindered from being recieved into the Church, and just come from a reformed evangelical history as a Christian - so I don't actually know what St Therese beads are! I am trying to keep praying and to understand that whatever little "suffering" I experience can be offered up and will, in any case, be used for good in my life. I think you put your finger on it with the two mothers comment - the FC has been the defacto mother and I resent that so badly!
Essy, yes, it is strange how things are done so differently in different places. I only wish we could just have our baby girl dropped off to us.
Christine, I will be praying for you. Your comment helps me see how, despite how hard it is to have take on board so many people's emotions and feelings when we are overloaded ourselves, it is part of the journey God has trusted us with - and our daughter's FC has also had her for 6 months from birth.
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SallyT
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| Posted: Oct 11 2007 at 8:24pm | IP Logged
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We'll be praying for you, Lucy. Saint Therese used "sacrifice beads" to count off sacrifices that she offered up in a given day for the love of Jesus (which is probably not a great summary -- I'm a new Catholic/ex-Anglo-Catholic myself!). If I recall correctly, these beads look very much like (and maybe are?) a one-decade rosary.
Again, we will pray for a quick and smooth transition, and for grace in a difficult situation.
Sally
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Potential clashes with foster carer?
