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folklaur
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| Posted: Aug 31 2007 at 4:57pm | IP Logged
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How do you know what to do?
We had started to give up the idea of adopting.
We had finally found an agency we loved, and a program. We were nervous, but we were trying to set things in motion to move forward.
Then our church, where DH has been assistant sound tech for the last 4+ years, needed to make cutbacks. All contract staff was let go, except for the Holiday Masses. Financially, it clobbered us.
Then the program that we had been so called to is at a virtual standstill. It isn't officialyl shut down, but basically is. I am somewhat glad we hadn't gone ahead before, as I would be tearing my hair our right now.
Then the car that we were planning on selling to help pay for this, some hooligans (I don't know if I have ever used that word before!) decided to smash out all the car mirrors on our side of the street. My pristine condition car no longer is.
So - we felt like, okay, maybe just now isn't the time. So we stopped talking about it, we just kind of gave up. Then I get an email this week.
The other program we had looked at with the agency, we had originally been unable to do because both parents needed to travel - and due to blood clot risk, I can't fly, so we just stopped looking at it. Well, I get an email this week, which among other things, says, "I have checked with Almazbek Azizov, Senior Specialist in the Ministry of Education, who is responsible for inter-country adoptions. He advised that you should obtain a detailed letter from your doctor stating that you are a healthy individual, he/she recommends you for adoption however you cannot travel due to the blood clot risk." She had met with him personally in Kyrgyzstan to confirm this on her recent trip there. We could enter this program, with a special exception, if we would like to.
Now - I don't know what to do!!!!!! DH's lack of an extra job is causing us to be in more debt, not less, and it is so expensive. But, but.....
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Marybeth
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| Posted: Aug 31 2007 at 6:16pm | IP Logged
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Laura,
I would highly and I mean highly  recommend an Infant of Prague novena. It was miraculous for us. Also, start a novena to Mary asking her one thing...what should we do? Don't elaborate and she will help you! I was so stressed last November and driving myself nuts!!! We prayed the Immaculate Conception novena and our daughter was born during the novena and everything just "fell" into place.
Do you have anyone you can borrow money from or get an early inheritance? My parents were able to help us out as they retired very comfortably. My in-laws were able to help us in 2000 come up with 5,000 needed asap and I still was working on earning the $$$.
I will pray and pray for your family and you struggle with God's plan. I know the prayers seem too easy but really I felt exactly like you did in late November and our dd is coming home SOON!!! 
God bless!
Mb
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Marybeth (Mb)
http://held-together.blogspot.com
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Helen
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Laura,
I've had many adoptions fall through and many processes stopped or stalled. The good news with these hurdles - you *know* that when the child arrives in your home you can turn to the Holy Spirit and say,
"You are the Giver of Life! No doubts here."
Many times the Lord allows these difficulties to give us a few more chances to bury our wills in His.
Keep praying!!
I'll pray for you as well.
__________________
Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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LucyP
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| Posted: Sept 01 2007 at 3:36pm | IP Logged
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Praying for you, Laura.
This past Autumn/Winter we were being tortured by questions of which of two agencies to go with for adoption #2. It was as if we would make a new decision every half hour and it was so stressful. With financial worries too that makes it feel worse, I am sure.
The thing is that God already has planned your family, and He knows which child is your child. If it is His will, your adoption will happen and you will have peace that the new little one is your child from eternity just as much as a biological child would have been.
We'll remember you in our rosary time. Our son just has a passion for offering decades up, and I'll ask him to remember you and your family.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Sept 01 2007 at 5:24pm | IP Logged
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Well, after this morning, with realizing our current budget crunch more clearly, I don't really have to think too hard about it for the time being. 
But - please keep us in your prayers for the future. Though I am not sure what the plan is, I just don't think God is quite done with our family yet.
Thank you all so much for your kind words and thoughts! 
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: Sept 05 2007 at 8:18am | IP Logged
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Hey Moms,
Couldn't you consider fostering-to-adopt? The actual adoptions cost around $40 around here. They pay (reimburse) you to keep a child each month. It takes a few years to actually adopt and there's lots of heartache, but by that time you may be more financially stable. Around here they pay for the child's Medicaid until they are eighteen years old too. So, they even continue to reimburse us after we adopt them until they are eighteen years old. So, that's a big help. It pays for food, clothes, a bigger van to cart them around and basic necessities. It's the only way we could do it and they do need help to raise these kids. It's just an idea. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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krygerzoo
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| Posted: Sept 11 2007 at 10:11am | IP Logged
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We are starting our adoption classes tonight!! We aren't open to fostering at this point due to our kids' ages but are looking to adopt a sibling group under the age of 5.
In Michigan, foster kids can't be homeschooled. I don't want to send them off to school and keep my bio kids at home. Seems kinda double standard. We also don't want to have more losses due to the death of our oldest son just over 2 years ago.
The foster family to the kiddos that we are looking into adopting is AMAZING!  Their lives have been so blessed. I highly recommend looking into this option, too. They have adopted six this way. They still foster even though they won't be adopting any more.
Peace, Katherine
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folklaur
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| Posted: Sept 11 2007 at 11:37am | IP Logged
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We have actually thought about this. My dh is very nervous about it.
We happen to know a family very closely whose Sister's family was just torn apart by a child adopted from the foster system. People got sent to jail, and it really was just terrible. We see what they went through, and then compounded with the horror stories you hear on the news, and my dh just isn't comfortable with it. We have almost started the classes a few times, but he is just so hesitant.
I would love to hear more good, positive experiences that people have had when adopting through the foster system! If you have them, please, please, share.
And does anyone have any experience (or links to articles,blogs etc) talking about the experience AFTER a few years. Like, for instance, a child adopted from the foster system at a young age, but now in their teens etc. Does that make sense? If I could share some positive experiences with DH, it might help.
Thanks,
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BlessedBGod
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| Posted: Sept 12 2007 at 7:58am | IP Logged
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Hey Moms,
It is my firm belief from experience that if you foster to adopt a newborn then he/she will be like part of the family. At least in our case that is true. We got a two-day old baby boy born with some drug issues that caused no significant problems. He is a four-year-old teddy bear to our family full of hugs and kisses. He tells me this week, " You are so, so, so, so, so, so, so beautiful." He is a dream come true for our family and is such a blessing for our older boys to learn to love a little one. Now, we have had older foster kids that didn't work out as well. I really think if you get them young, then that makes all the difference in the world. You will, of course, have to have total support from your dh for this. You'll need him for the long wait to adopt. God bless you in your decision.
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folklaur
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| Posted: Sept 12 2007 at 11:38am | IP Logged
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BlessedBGod wrote:
| We got a two-day old baby boy born with some drug issues that caused no significant problems. He is a four-year-old teddy bear |
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Okay, I have to ask, because I just can't even fathom it. How in the world do you deal with it if after having a child from two days old, for like say, three years, the courts decide that the bio-parents are "fit enough" to have that child back? Emotionally, how do you do it? How do your other children deal with the loss of a younger sibling? The classes you have to go through might teach your mind what it needs to know - but how does that teach your heart? And what if the situation that you would be sending them to wouldn't be that great? How do you DO that?
ETA: I don;t mean this to sound like a challenge to anyone in particular, and after re-reading, I thought it might. It is just something DH and I have discussed. I have no idea how I could handle it emotionally, nor does he. If anyone has insight, that is what I was hoping to hear. Thanks. Sorry if it was worded poorly.
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BlessedBGod
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Hey Moms,
That's the big question that everyone who doesn't foster always asks me, 'How do you deal with losing them?'. Well, I have had to give six back so far. One other child is in the limbo you are talking about since she has been here for almost two years. It may be awhile longer though federal law says it can only be a year.  Anyways, for me, five of the six kids I gave back, although it did put me through some grieving, I was glad to see them go to their new home for various reasons. Two of them were wild pre-teens that caused alot of chaos in my home. One was a screaming baby who I helped get through a failure-to-thrive situation but by that time my sensitive ears were shot. One was a child who went to live with her siblings and I couldn't deny her that. Her new foster family is terrific. One was just a weekend respite that might have turned into something longer. He ended up going home. It was the preemie that we spent so much time in the hospital with that really got me attached since they told me I might have a possibility of adopting in the future. She went to live with a step-grandmother here in town. That hurt so badly. I relied heavily on the Lord and have never felt so close to Him throughout that. It still hurts to think about it but you just have to move on. My MIL fostered eleven children besides her own six and a grandchild. She is really sensitive when she talks about any of them. She made it through. Perhaps looking through the foster parent board and seeing how many hundreds of parents go through it all the time will help. It hurts really badly for some of them and is like a sword piercing the heart. But, they wouldn't have given one back to take that pain away. They still love the kids and wouldn't not have taken them in to save their own hearts. These kids are neglected and hurt. Compared to us getting our hearts broken, it's nothing. I know it sounds really hard, but when you see a child in the store that you helped to get through one of the toughest situations in their life, it's a good feeling. I wouldn't have that if I had been too scared to step forward and help. I suppose this doesn't help you much but that's what most of the moms on the foster-to-adopt board usually say for the most part. I'll try to get a link for you. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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onemoretracy
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| Posted: Sept 14 2007 at 3:20pm | IP Logged
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BlesseBGod,
Thank you for your insight. I have the same concerns as Laura and her DH. You really explained it well. We have young children and while I can see us possibly pursuing fostering in the future, right now I just can't put my young ones through it.
Laura, keep praying! If God isn't done with your family yet, He will show you the way.
__________________
Tracy
DH Lee
DS Jake-10
DS Ryan-9
DS Luke-6
DD Laine-6
DD Mary Clare-3
DD Sara (Dec.6 '08)
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c_rob
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| Posted: Sept 16 2007 at 7:42pm | IP Logged
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Dear Laura,
My experience is in Australia, so won't dovetail with the procedural requirements of your case but you may like to consider the story, nonetheless.
We received our beautiful boy as a 15month old foster child who needed 3 days respite. At 3yo, he became a long-term ward of the state, in our care. Two weeks ago, he turned 10. We have been fighting to adopt him since he was 5 - it's very unusual in Aus to adopt foster children because the govt doesn't like what they see as "back-door" adoptions.
Our ds had been the victim of horrific abuse and neglect and God, in His magnificent wisdom, chose to keep us niaeve enough to believe that at 15 months, all emotional scars could be healed with love, time and attention. It has been a torturous path and we would not have embarked upon it had we known. Three years ago, I took on the State Education Department and the Department of Community Services to fight for homeschooling for him. He is the first, but hopefully, not the last to be so blessed.
The improvements have been miraculous, but no-on would describe him as emotionally robust. Still, we love him as our own and (most days) thank God for the gift that he is in our lives.
I have no doubt that God has a plan fr him and we are only part of that plan. I was reading 1 Peter yesterday where it describes Jesus as the faithful servant. In the past I had always limited Him to that role in the past, so it was a huge revelation to me to realise that He serves us still - that he is MY Son's servant! As co-heirs with Him, we are also called on to be servants.
I know that God has a plan for your family, but you can't achieve it unless you make yourself available for the opportunities that come your way. If they are not right for you, God will cause them to fall through. If they are right, God will give you the wherewithall to see it through.
"Remember the lillies of the field. They sow not, nor do they reap."
God bless you in your decision making.
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Helen
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| Posted: Sept 22 2007 at 11:45am | IP Logged
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I am grateful for Blessed2BMoms words explaining the life of a foster Mom. I’ve hesitated to post anything further but I’ve been thinking that Catholic homeschoolers are some of the most generous people I know and perhaps a few words on *not* doing something can be helpful to people who cultivate a spirit of generosity.
I feel that adoption/foster care is a vocation. If we step away from the adoption world and think about the life/vocation of a religious, we can see some parallels. Objectively speaking, the Religious life is the highest calling in this world. It most closely resembles the life of Our Lord. That being said, the Lord Himself, doesn’t want everyone to be a religious. Not everyone is called to this type of life. Those that are called make sacrifices and have to deny themselves, even fight with themselves for awhile before entering. However, underlying all this struggle and sacrifice is the desire to enter. The Lord plants a seed into their hearts that makes them *want* to enter.
I think the same things can be said of adoption and foster care. Even though it is a noble vocation, very pleasing to the Lord (the book of St. James says taking care of widows and orphans is the truest form of religion) that doesn’t mean everyone is called to this vocation.
I also believe that everyone should be afraid to adopt/foster care – in some sense. It is scary. We put our lives, our family’s lives and the prospective child’s life on the line. Who knows what the future holds?
However, despite concerns, fears and sacrifices, when one has the vocation to adopt/foster care the Lord puts a great desire in our hearts so that we continue with His Will.
I think anyone considering adoption/foster care shouldn’t feel like a martryr (that very well may come) but one shouldn’t start off saying. “Well, someone ought to do that and well, I don’t really want to do this but I had better.”
Even the “scariest” adoption/foster care the person will “want” to do it.
There are many, many options in this world. I think it is most prudent to go with what makes the adoptive mom & Dad comfortable. One should not feel any outside pressure to step too much out of one’s comfort zone.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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c_rob
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| Posted: Sept 22 2007 at 3:45pm | IP Logged
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I have had 47 foster children now, most drug withdrawal babies or abused toddlers. I do have to agree with Helen that it is a vocation. That is how I can answer the question of how we give them back / away. Being called by God to take these littleones into our home (unlike Blessed2BMom, we don't take teens), I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit is in action when they leave. Their is still profound grief, but there is also a sense of not travelling the journey alone. I can't agree to feeling like a martyr, however. When the phone call comes requesting a placement, I am the happiest of women. I love what I do and consider it the greatest blessing. If you are considering fostering, do not be put off by fears. God truly does love a cheerful giver.
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Christine, in Australia
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BlessedBGod
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Hey Moms,
I think the difference of being so completely hurt when I have to give some kids back is that we are fostering-to-adopt and expect to keep these children as part of our forever family. Breaking that bond is very hard and may be the martyrdom you all are speaking of. If we were fostering only without adoption in mind, then it would be much easier to send the children on their way. There wouldn't be all that pain involved.
I don't expect people to foster, even the homeschooling moms. That's why I always am up front about the painful side of the fostering. No one told me about that. 99% of people I tell about the fostering-to-adopt don't want to do it and I don't expect them to. But they also do not need to feel as if they have no options when they can't afford to buy a baby through private adoptions. They do have options that are cheaper financially. It's just more expensive with the emotional part. God bless you all for your giving ways. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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Bridget
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| Posted: Sept 24 2007 at 9:27am | IP Logged
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BlessedBGod wrote:
| have no options when they can't afford to buy a baby through private adoptions. |
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You make some good points, thank you for sharing your experience!
Please be careful about the language of 'buying' a baby. So many adoptive parents sacrifice to pay the fees involved in adopting. They are not buying, they are paying the costs the agencies charge them.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you know what to do?
