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JennGM
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Here's the scenario: we're expecting number 2, first trimester almost over (Deo Gratias!). Number 1 son is eager to have a baby sister or brother, and he turns 4 in September.
We've passed the two time periods of previous miscarriages.
We want to tell him, but I'm grappling with
1) time is an eternity for little ones. Is this too early?
2) The big WHAT IF something happens I would hate to have to make him share the sorrow at such a young age. I can't prevent all but...
So, when did you tell the first child they were going to be a sibling?
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Lisbet
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Jenn, this is such a personal and individual question.
My children do not know about all of our losses since we never told them about the pregnancy. They were heartbroken over the ones they knew about, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
We usually tell them sometime in the first trimester. As they get older they figure it out quickly for themselves too! I think that sibling prayers are very efficatious too, and my kids pray for their unborn sibling each day.
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MaryM
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Because of both of the things you mentioned we waited until about 16+ weeks to tell the first child - he was about a year younger than G. We generally have waited about that same time to tell subsequent children but the older they got the more the figured it out earlier anyway. I am assuming most tell much earlier (all my friends do), but I'm just more private about it in general and we don't really even tell family and freinds during the first trimester.
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Maryan
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When we have an ultrasound with a heartbeat and the doctor says it all looks good -- we tell the boys. And yes, it is a long time, but they don't seem to mind.
My miscarriages we told after the fact, and the boys pray for the angel babies in the rosary.
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Maryan
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doris
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So much depends on your own history and family and knowledge of your child -- and your personality.
We told ours about number 4 very quickly. They had been praying for a sibling for sooo long, and were getting so despondent about it. Also, I was so tired and crabby and I wanted them to know that it wasn't their fault  .
The time aspect of it doesn't worry me so much -- my youngest is the same age as yours, I think, and she hasn't started asking when the baby is going to come. I've talked to them about how big the baby is at this stage so I think that helps them to realise that it's going to be a good long time yet. Also, being able to visualise (however vaguely) that it is 'after Christmas' helps.
However, I haven't ever had a miscarriage (please God, I won't now) so maybe that makes me more blase. OTOH, if I did lose this baby then I can't imagine keeping it from the children. But then again, there's a history of keeping nasty secrets in my family, so I've probably swung too far the other way.
Long and waffly way of saying -- do what is in your heart.
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juststartn
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I've not had any losses....so my advice is 'colored' by that. But I figure prayers of little ones are very efficacious (dd #1 was praying for A brother, and she got two for the price of one!), and we tell ours sometime in the first trimester.
Yes, it is a long time..but that gives me more time to get the then youngest ready for being "dethroned".
Rachel
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Meredith
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Go with your heart Jenn, he will manage either way, God will take care of that for sure.
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LisaR
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I was the oldest child in a family where my mom did not tell me/us until very late, and we did not hear of the miscarriages and 24 week stillborn, and even full term still born (when I was almost 5 y/o) until we were adults. I just vaguly remember alot of stress and tension and "appointments" as a child, and sure enough, they coincide with the babies.
So, we tell our kids right away. I don;t think as adult children they would ever resent "knowing too soon" but as adult children they could possibly have feelings of sadness or being left out if they are not told and something happened. I know my parents were trying to protect me, but it backfired in my case. I vividly recall feelings of unease and unrest and did not know what was happening!
I always have high risk/stress/bedrest type pregnancies anyway, and want to be upfront with them about why mommy is lying down so much, or going to another appt, or why they are being schlepped off to a friends house again.
I've lost one twin with quite a few of the pregnancies, and the kids know they had a twin and find comfort in having a very special sibling in heaven praying for them. I like that we have 8 months (usually about) that we can pray as a family for the new little one.
lisa
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eschuetter
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Congrats!
We are expecting #3 in October... so we had to answer this very question a bit ago.
We decided to tell the boys (ds-2 and ds-5) when we were ready for "the entire world" to know.... our parents knew very early on. The boys, I think we told them at about 12 weeks.
Our prediction was right on... as soon as the boys knew, the entire world (music teacher, store clerk, etc.) knew becuase the were so excited to share the news.
HTH,
Erica
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joann10
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We always told our kids fairly early. We always told them when we were ready for everyone to know because they were always so excited that they told anyone they saw  ---about 10 weeks.
Also, my pregnancies were all so risky for me and baby that I figured nothing was better for me and the baby than daily prayers from the hearts of children.(and God has always answered their prayers)
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Mackfam
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We tell almost immediately because I only have 1 week of upright function time after we find out - there's no hiding anything after I start vomiting!
I had one child who was patient and seemed to intuitively know that the little one in my tummy would take a while to bake, and one who was every day asking if *this* was the day. Your gentle reassurance will take care of the time issue.
My heart is very close to this Jenn. We have lost 2 children, 1 as an early miscarriage and 1 was given a death sentence while I was 4 months pregnant but survived for another 5 months. Both losses were very painful, for us and the children. In retrospect, I know that it was a grace that we included the children in the sorrow and pain. They are very familiar with the subject of death - it is not taboo in our house. Our children embrace the community of saints because 2 members of that community are from our immediate family. Our children living in heaven are powerful intercessors for our family, and we frequently ask them to pray for us. These children that God mercifully gave and then took back so quickly taught our family how to suffer, and were channels of grace. I would not change a thing.
As a side note, I had a brother that I never knew about until I was an adult. His tragic loss was too painful for my mom to deal with, so she hid it from us kids. I felt betrayed when I was finally told as an adult, and like I had missed out on all of those years of loving him.
I will pray for the Holy Spirit to enlighten you and your dh as to the best timing for this blessed announcement.
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Jen Mackintosh
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Dawnie
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Jenn,
We tell our kids right away. After I tell my dh the good news, they are the first to know. My personal feeling is that, if I should have a miscarriage, then I want my children (and my friends and family members) to be able to share in the joy the baby brings, however brief it is.
My kids have handled the long wait very well. With the last pregnancy, I bought The Pregnancy Book by Dr. Sears and they loved looking at the drawings of the baby growing in the mommy's womb. I also talked with them about how the baby was growing each month. I vividly remember my Mom being pregnant with my little sister (I was 6 when she was born) and telling me each month how big the baby was each month.
Dawn
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JennGM
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Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences.
Because we had the sonogram with good news Thursday, we were really leaning toward telling him this week. So dh and I agreed to tell him last night. We had dinner with two of my siblings and family, and it was a lovely time for him to share the news with his cousins. He's just thrilled, and I think he's handling the news quite well for his age.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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msclavel
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Oh Jenn, I'm so happy you told him. I remember you posting about his constant prayers for a sibling. They were so sweet and tender. I'll keep praying for all of you every day.
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kingvozzo
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I'm glad to hear you shared the news. I had been meaning to post on this topic, but the baby's not been too cooperative with giving me a chance to type 2-handed
My Johnny is exactly the same age as your son, and we did tell him last summer when we were just a few weeks along. We had gone back and forth on the issue (we had 3 miscarriages when my oldest was 2-3 y/o), but we've ultimately decided that we want to share with those we know will pray for our babies. John handled the wait well.
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graciefaith
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Congratulations! We are on number 3 and my girls are 4.5yo and 5.5yo.
We told mine right after we did a home pregnancy test. By that time, i was maybe 2mo along. They were happy and yes, 9mo is such a long time. They keep asking me when the baby will come out. lol We count down the months.
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JodieLyn
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well since.. where I go, my children go.. I can't manage any appt. or anything without them coming along.. the littler ones don't seem to grasp the whole idea of a baby in mommy's tummy real easily anyway. The older ones are so excited.. I talk about something big that would be definately after the baby is born.. so a child due say.. end of October we might talk about how baby will be here at Thanksgiving.. and how that's after various things (whatever is important to your child.. probably family birthdays and things) And as it gets closer we may get more specific.
I do agree though.. don't tell a child until you're ready for the world to know.
I had my then 6 year old annoncing to the strangers in the store that stop and ask how many there are (kids in motion can be hard to count) And she was more than happy to say there was 7 but one was still in mommy's tummy 
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Erin
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Jenn
So thrilled everything is going well. Glad G was happy with the news. It is so hard keeping a secret isn't it.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: So When Do You Tell?
