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Jeanne Marie
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| Posted: June 06 2007 at 3:46pm | IP Logged
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I would appreciate some advice from parents who have adopted and also from those who were adopted. Actually, I'll take advice from anyone who has anything beautiful to say on the subject!
Do you have any recommendations on how to start talking to your children about adoption. Are there any beautiful things that were said to you or that you have told your own children? Are there any books you would recommend for reading to your child?
My children know they are adopted and that we are trying to adopt another child. But we have never talked about what it means. My eldest child recently celebrated her fourth birthday and it has become apparent that we had better hurry and decide how we want to approach the subject. Adoption has been such a beautiful experience for us and we want to find a beautiful way of explaining it to our children. How many times have I said beautiful? Beauty is important! :)
Thanks,
Jeanne
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Lisa R
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Jeanne,
I have no advice for you as we just adopted our daughter in October, but I can't wait for the replies. I'm seeing my printer doing lots of running in the future! 
Great question!!
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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Helen
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| Posted: June 06 2007 at 4:20pm | IP Logged
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Hi Jeanne,
I was asked to write about the subject on my blog. I gladly said yes although I did't think I had anything to say about the topic.
Well, when I sat down to write, I realized that this is a very deep subject and in some ways very complicated. When I began writing I unexpectedly found myself talking about purity and the need to foster great purity in our lives as parents. I became unsure of what to write.
Children are naturally extremely pure. Much, much purer than adults. They do not have the background that adults have such as modern movies, suggestive song lyrics and rhythms and unfortunatetly for many too many bad experiences.
I've been taught that children, before the age of 10, seek the truth and nothing else. There are no hidden meanings or agendas. So when speaking to children about adoption, I think there are three important things to remember:
1. Do not offend their purity.
2. Do not tell them more than they asked.
3. Tell the truth - no stories.
I have a funny story.
On one lovely sunny summer morning as I was walking into Sunday Mass with my (adopted) 6 year old son, he turned to me and said:
Why do we all look different than every one else here?
With my hand opening the door of the church, I paused and and thought:
Oh NO - THE ADOPTION QUESTION now!
We'll be late to church.
Fortunately my eyes lighted upon the Tabernacle and I said a quick prayer for guidance. ONLY because I was afraid of arriving late to Church did I stall and say:
What do you mean?
He responded:
Well, we all wear shirts with sleeves to Church. We sit still in our pews and look at the priest. Why don't others wear proper clothing to Mass?
I cracked up! And I learned a BIG lesson. Ask what the children mean before launching into a huge, pent up explanation for adoption.
My oldest adopted child is now 11. We rarely have adoption convesations. But, when the child brings it up, I answer the least and with the truth. Often, we don't know much and that is what I say.
I answer with the least, not because I underestimate their abilities, but because I am cautious about their purity.
I have told children what I think. To the children who arrived in my home well adjusted, I tell them that they were loved by someone and greatly esteemed.
To children who have experienced neglect, I tell them that they were not treated well but it was not their fault. They should have been treated like the precious treaure that they are.
I would love to hear what others say.
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Helen
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| Posted: June 06 2007 at 5:25pm | IP Logged
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Helen wrote:
| I have told children what I think. To the children who arrived in my home well adjusted, I tell them that they were loved by someone and greatly esteemed. |
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In this case, we were told that our daughter was the favorite. Sometimes it is difficult to believe everything one is told. But, by judging by her behavior, I've become to believe that this is true.
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Helen
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| Posted: June 07 2007 at 10:33am | IP Logged
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Please don't let me stop anyone else from posting!
These thoughts of mine have been pent up for months as I've struggled over the writing of my blog post. I'm just going to continue releasing all these thoughts and I'm sorry that they are a little rough around the edges.
Along with cultivating purity, another important pre-step for the adoptive mother is for her to come to terms with her infertility. If there is still a great regret – which is totally natural and to be expected – the child may misinterpret the mother’s sadness as something to do with the child. If necessary, be upfront with your child about your own feelings in this area. (Depending upon age and sensitivity)
Adoption and infertility are the result of original sin. It is not right for a woman to be infertile. Infertility is an evil. But as we know, God can make a lot of good come from evil. Through prayer, try to become as peaceful as you can and accepting of God’s call to infertility. But, this doesn’t happen overnight and it won’t happen by ignoring the pain. You may let your child know of the wound you carry because of not being able to have a baby despite your total joy in having your adopted child as your child.
The truth will set you free.
It seems to me with my children that adoption questions become questions of
The Meaning of Suffering
Fundamentally, I tell them that the Lord has loved them so much that He has invited them to share in his cross right from their infancy. It is a tragedy that a child should not know and be raised by his birthmother – this is an absolute tragedy. It is the result of original sin and our disordered world. Our conversations about adoption have begun by reviewing the Cross and the poverty of Bethlehem and how my child has been invited to share in the suffering of the Lord.
They seem to want to know about their birthmother. I tell them what I can.
I pray often for my birthmothers that they may know their children in heaven. I pray especially for each one by name during Holy Mass. I offer sacrifices for their conversions. This helps me to develop a love relationship with them. One that I can pass on to my children.
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Ave Maria!
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Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Jeanne Marie
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Thank you for your response Helen. I am actually the person who asked you to cover this topic on your blog. I also asked a few other blogging Catholic mothers who have adopted children. Not one has responded to this question. Thank you for writing down what you can.
I appreciate your thoughts on the Cross. I have been blessed in that I have no regrets or sadness about my infertility. Because I would not have my children if I had been fertile, I thank God for my infertility. I can't imagine not having these particular children that I love so much! So that issue is not a problem for me or my husband. My children don't have any health or emotional problems due to neglect or abuse either. I know one day they will have to deal with feelings of rejection, but they are still very young.
Do any of you have little tidbits that are good to have on hand when those questions come up. For example, when we see a mother who is pregnant and talk about the baby inside of her. If my four year old says, "Was I in your tummy Mamma?" What do I say at her age?
Lisa R, have you given this topic some thought? Any ideas?
What about those of you who were adopted? Do you have any special memories of how your parents talked about adoption?
If any of you out there have never had any experience with adoption, but are good at knowing how to speak in a beautiful way to children. I would appreciate any ideas you might have. I don't think you have to have first hand experience to see the Beauty of Adoption!
One thing I have thought a lot about is the fact that we are all God's adopted children. Any ideas on how to expand on this?
Thank you,
Jeanne
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MichelleW
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| Posted: June 07 2007 at 5:39pm | IP Logged
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Jeanne,
I think this is a hard question to answer because children and circumstances are so different. I can tell you what we've done, and I hope it helps a little.
I try to maintain an atmosphere in my home and life that encourages my children to ask whatever is on their minds. I want them to feel they can discuss any concern, question or insight. I want them to know that nothing is taboo, no topic is "off limits." As a means to this end, I often ask them what they are thinking, receive their thoughts without comment unless asked for my opinion, and answer as fully as they seem to need without going overboard. Economy of speech seems to foster thinking and a lifelong discussion, instead of a longer "talk" that never happens again. KWIM?
Was I in your tummy? came up for us at about age 3. By then I had 2 biological children and the issue could have been a little sticky. I told him that he grew in Alicia's tummy. He was ok with that for a few weeks, then he asked about his younger siblings. He was upset at first that "our whole family" didn't grow in my tummy. I laughed and told him that Daddy grew in Grandma's tummy, etc. and look how many tummies we all grew in and then God took us up and squeezed us together and made us a family.
I look for opportunities to connect feelings about other things to feelings about adoption. Ds found a hummingbird and held it for a long time. When it was time to let it go he had a hard time, but finally did it. I hugged him and asked him if he thought that might have been how his birthmother felt when she let him go. She knew it was best to let him go, but it probably hurt.
There are lots of examples or statements on adoption in the Bible. Moses was adopted. We have learned so much through that story. The epistles have statements about how we are all adopted sons and daughters of God.
We talk about the miracle of how he came to us.
Jeanne, I think the best advice I can give you is to pray about this often. When your child asks, the Holy Spirit will give you the answers you need at the moment you need them. There are some questions I have had to put off (like how did my birthmom have me if she wasn't married?), but most we have answered with words the Lord must have given me because I sounded wise and loving (so I KNOW it wasn't me talking).
My son wrestled with feelings of anger, depression, hurt even from an early age (about 3). These feelings violently erupted at age 7, but we dealt with them and then they passed. I know he is not done. This will be a hurt he carries his whole life. But my hope is that he also carries in him the knowledge that he is loved. By us, by God, by his birthmother. That is the best I can do.
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Michelle
Mom to 3 (dd 14, ds 15, and ds 16)
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Helen
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Jeanne Marie wrote:
| Do any of you have little tidbits that are good to have on hand when those questions come up. For example, when we see a mother who is pregnant and talk about the baby inside of her. If my four year old says, "Was I in your tummy Mamma?" What do I say at her age? |
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That's funny Jeanne - I was going to come back to this thread and say ...
Once my four year old asked me
How did those twins get inside their mommy?
At the time, I said,
"Isn't God amazing in what He can do?"
and we both marvelled in God's power. That was the end of that conversation.
I agree with Michelle - each situation is so different.In my rough way, I was trying to say that it is important for the Mom to decrease and allow the child and his questions to emerge.
Also I keep forgetting how different my family is! Most of my children had a difficult first few years - and then there is the added racial difference mixed in. Maybe I'm not the best person to answer these questions!
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Ave Maria!
Mom to 5 girls and 3 boys
Mary Vitamin & Castle of the Immaculate
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Jeanne Marie
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| Posted: June 08 2007 at 2:28pm | IP Logged
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MichelleW wrote:
He was upset at first that "our whole family" didn't grow in my tummy. I laughed and told him that Daddy grew in Grandma's tummy, etc. and look how many tummies we all grew in and then God took us up and squeezed us together and made us a family.
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Michelle and Helen thank you for the wonderful suggestions! They are very helpful. (I tried to highlight more of them, but I am having trouble figuring out how to post the quotes). Helen, I know we will eventually have to deal with issues of loss, so those suggestions have been helpful. Please don't think otherwise. I'm just trying to get ready for what will be coming up soon.
I am still hoping for more suggestions!
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BlessedBGod
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Hey Moms,
Well, having foster kids in the house, it's always in my adopted ds's face that we take kids in who don't have a safe home. He may put two and two together that it happened to him too. We just side-skirt the issue by telling him constantly that he was 'born in our heart'. I'm not going to go into any details about his birth family or their circumstances. I just ignore all that and stick to how much he means to our family and how happy we were to bring him home from the hospital. We just keep talking about how much love he has right now from each individual person in our family, our extended family, his angel, God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit, Mother Mary, his patron, etc. He's almost four so that has sufficed for now. Now, my four-year-old foster child has to have the whole scenario recounted for her each month as a type of healing. I don't like it but she forces the issue. She remembers so much from before she was with us. So, we tell her her family couldn't keep a safe house, though they were very nice and loved her very much. We tell her (vaguely) about what would happen to her in an unsafe house and how safe she is with us. Then we start in about how much she is loved, etc. May the Holy Spirit guide us in our conversations with the children. -BlessedBGod JMJ
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Essy
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What I've said to my daughter so far...and this started pretty early on, even before she could comprehend what I was talking about was that mommy's tummy was broken so Jesus allowed her grow in V's tummy. I tell her that she was meant to be ours from the beginning of time and I fully believe this.
We celebrate the children's 'Gotcha day'...which is the day each of them came home to us. I haven't talked to my son a whole lot about it yet though...I figure by talking to his older sister then he'll just pick up stuff from her...lol. I know that there are more difficult details that will be coming down the line...but for now this seems to suffice.
As far as Biblical references...St. Joseph is my all time favorite. He was not Jesus' biological father, yet I can't think of a better dad in the whole wide world. I also like how Jesus' geneology is through Joseph's blood line. And ofcourse we can't foget our own adoption into God's family! We are full heirs to His throne...His loving children. How precious adoption must be to our Heavenly Father.
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Lisa R
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Sorry, I haven't posted back to you yet. I've been trying to come up with a post that would make sense and be helpful.
Our daughter was adopted from China so her situation could be different. We'll never know anything about her birth parents to share with her. I think we'll just answer what we can as she asks. We'll tell her how grateful we are that they gave her life and how blessed we are to have her in our family. She was born with a cleft lip and most likely her parents couldn't afford to take care of her and figured she would have a better chance at getting help in an orphanage. I'm not sure how we'll go into the 1 child laws that China has or how they feel about girls. That one will be a little harder.
I love the advice you've gotten on the bible references and answering exactly what they're asking, no more.
I think we'll all be praying when the time comes and I know the Holy Spirit will help us. I hope this was somewhat helpful.
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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Jeanne Marie
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Essy wrote:
I tell her that she was meant to be ours from the beginning of time and I fully believe this.
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Me too!
Thank you ladies for all of your wonderful advice.
Jeanne
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Waverley
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A friend recently gave me a book y'all may be interested in. I have not read it yet but I hope to get to it soon. It is called "Adopted for a Purpose" by Pauline Youd. The summary on the back of the book reads, "Did you know that Moses, Joseph, Samuel, and Esther were adopted . . . that God's purpose for thier lives could not have been achieved if thay had not been adopted?"
If anyone else has read this and has positive or negative thoughts on it, I'd love to hear them.
Maybe we could all read it and then share our thoughts? Anyone interested?
Waverley
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Lisa R
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I'm up for reading the book "together" and discussing. 
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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Waverley
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| Posted: June 15 2007 at 9:11pm | IP Logged
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OK Lisa - 
Let me know if you find a copy and I'll start reading. Anyone else up for it?
Waverley
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Lisa R
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Waverley,
I just ordered the book. I'll PM you when it arrives.
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God Bless!
Lisa, married to my best friend, Ray and loving my blessings Joshua (17)and Jacob(15), Hannah(7) and Rachel (5)!Holy Family Academy
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Talking to your child about adoption
