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mom2mpr
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| Posted: June 06 2007 at 7:38am | IP Logged
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I am having a most difficult time with my 4 year old dd. She is very negative, only wants HER way, causes chaos when I try to accomplish anything, and everything is boring to her. She does not want me to read to her. She just wants to play with me. She is only happy when watching videos(which is infrequent) and when they end it is a fit and screaming.
I am trying to "fill her up" but am apparently not doing enough? 
I do have another child, dog and house to care for and while I try to make the living things priority I do need to pay bills and do clothes, cook and wash dishes.
It is hard as she is so different from ds who would love to learn about anything. He is even watching Sesame Street right now--and is 9 and a half!! He is more laid back, except when I spend extended time with her-sigh. There are days I am dealing with her and rarely see him--and I do feel guilty about that.
She is mean at times. Tells me she doesn't love me. Of course, I take it with a grain of salt-she is only 4! She can also have quite a temper and the little things will set her off. Time out is not working. Talking to her is not working. I am a little worried about that but do remember ds being that way when 4--4 was hard with him but nothing like this. I could pull him on my lap and he would just melt, she fights and runs away.
I am an attachment parenting, extended b-feeding type. I did wean her a few months ago and she really misses her "nonny"--she cries and cuddles up with me a lot lately.
Anyhow, is this normal for girls? Is it a stage? Any helpful hints for getting through? Is it a "this is a big, big world and I can be in it, but I am so small" issue? What do you seasoned mom's think? I need some suggestions.
Thanks,
Anne
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Mackfam
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| Posted: June 06 2007 at 8:17am | IP Logged
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Anne- Went through a lot of the same things with my dd (now 10.) For some reason, 4 is an age of rapidly growing independence. I think you've about got it figured out, but when you're so close to the situation, it is hard to have the perspective needed to see the solution.
First, a couple of books I'd recommend: How To Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell. It's been around for a long time. It's not a bunch of psycho babble! Very helpful. Basic idea - every person, every child has a great need for unconditional love, that desire was planted there by the Creator (sound familiar?) and filling that child's "love tank" is essential.
The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Ok, once you're convinced that your child really needs his love tank filled you've got to figure out what "love language" he speaks - physical touch? Maybe since she wants to cuddle up with you on the couch. Quality time? that's my bet since she's demanding your time in play with her. There are others though - words of affirmation, acts of service...Anyway, the book helps you figure out which way your child is looking for your love. It's another big help.
Lastly, if you don't have it already...
Parenting With Grace by Gregory Popcak. He's Catholic, the book is very humorous and lots of practical advice!! Also, any of the Ray Guarendi books.
Now, my 2cents worth...I think it's just the standard 4 year old testing grounds. They grow, and they test boundaries. Some push harder than others, it all depends on their temperament. You have already rightly judged that she is looking for reassurance of your unconditional love for her. She is also greatly in need of your kind enforcement of boundaries. Use good judgement, always be obedient to your husband in discipline choices, but stay on top of things. Don't allow her to develop bad habits. I found that I could empty my lungs talking and reasoning, but when I was most effective was when I used a very soft voice, considered the situation, granted the common-sense consequence, and then enforced it followed by lots of love and reassurance and a "what are you going to do next time mommy asks you to.....?" It's like potty training, night wakings, teaching them to walk, it takes a little time investment on the front end, but the payoff will be big.
Hang in there, talk to your husband -really sort it out with him. My husband can usually cut right through all the emotion I am consumed with, and offer his take on the situation. Then apply his solution with your heart. She will come around! I promise this passes! I'll be praying for you because I do remember this was exhausting!
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Topic: Tell me about 4!!
