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At_His_Feet
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We have a very active 2 year old (3 in July).
I'm not sure if this is a correct assumption, but I seem to know/see lots of other families with toddlers, who are so well behaved during Mass. As for our little one, he only seems to stay inside the church for about 5-10 minutes. I don't like forcing him to stay inside because then he starts to scream which is very disruptive. It would be so lovely to be able to attend a whole mass!
He has always been to Sunday mass and daily mass many times, so I had hoped that he would be the perfect mass going toddler, but alas he is not.
Any tips?
Just knowing that there are other toddlers like mine would be a blessing.
Tricia
Aussie wife to James, Mum to 3 boys 9, 7 and 2.
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Paula in MN
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My ds5 was like that, too! I kept him in as long as possible, and then would bring him to the "crying room", where he could still see what was going on, but not disrupt everyone else. I think he was 3 1/2, even closer to 4 before he could handle the entire service.
On a side note, our church has now set aside the center aisle seats of the last 4 pews for families with young children. They want the kids to stay in with the rest of the congregation as long as possible, yet make it easier for the parents to get them out if they need to. It has worked well!
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Philothea
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My son was like that from 18 months to nearly three. He will be three in a couple of weeks and is just now at the point where he has more good Mass days than bad ones.
One thing that helped in our case was that our parish started a contemporary music Mass, with a guitarist. I am normally 100% opposed to this kind of thing, but they've done it fairly tastefully using older hymns and chant alongside the guitar (which ends up sounding more like classical guitar most of the time). My son is a guitar fanatic, so he will sit through ANYTHING so long as there are guitars involved. My husband and I prefer the more traditional Masses, but we offer our preferences up so that our son can be a part of the Mass. When he is older, we will explain why chant and hymns are important. For now, we just want him in the presence of Jesus, without one of us having to pace the lobby holding his wiggly 35 pound body.
Aside from the contemporary music, he has actually done okay lately if for some reason we have to go to a different parish without the guitarist. So I think part of it may have just been the age. He turns three on the 14th of June. I think he's just getting older and more capable of sitting.
Some things we did when he was a younger two, before the guitar Mass started, were to bring goldfish and religious coloring books or paper and crayons and a few small QUIET toys, or a children's rosary for him to handle. I know that's frowned upon here, but it was the only thing that could keep him quiet at that age.
ETA sit as close to the front as you can. It's counter-inuitive, but the kids pay better attention when they can see what's going on instead of just the heads in front of them.
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stacykay
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Tricia,
no great ideas here, just wanted to let you know you are not alone! My 2yods (3 in June) is hit or miss at Mass. I have found his behavior is better at the "more conservative" church we attend, and less so at the "bouncier and louder music" church we sometimes go to. I may have to take him out a few times, then.
I have tried most things to get him to be quiet and still, but it is tough.
Praying for you!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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JodieLyn
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Two big things for me..
we sit up front.. I find we have to leave much much less often when they can see EVERYTHING.. and it's worth it for the occational leaving from the front to reduce the frequency so very much.
If I must remove a child, I carry them out.. we go to the car, they get to sit in their car seat.. where NOTHING is going on.. and there's NOTHING to do and mom is "ignoring" them (makes Mass less "boring" by comparison) and when they're ready to return to Mass (rarely takes more than 5 minutes) I CARRY them back... getting to walk in and out of church is enough of an incentive to get in trouble to get to do it. So even once they're ready to behave.. they don't get to get down and walk around.
So basically they have a good reason to stay in Mass and be entertained there.. they can see what's going on.. and things are going on.. they have a small amount of freedom of movement.. and the alternative is nothing going on and sitting buckled in your car seat. 
oh and one third thing though it varies.. I found that no toys or books etc. work much better.. pulling out special things just seems to say to them that they are supposed to be kept entertained and it actually makes their behavior worse overall.. even though they're quiet for a short while with a new thing.
(and most people who see my kids comment on how active they are.. but they also tend to be easy going in personality)
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At_His_Feet
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I'm loving the responses thus far.
Thanks to everyone.
I esp. like Jodie's idea about going to the car. Will try it on Sunday.
Tricia
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CAgirl4God
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lol, mine little one, dd 2, is like that right now. dh and I tag team with her. If I can get her to sit through the readings, one of us takes her to the back or outside for the homily, and then one of us takes her out for the Consecration, until the Our Father.
it is driving me crazy right now. I long for the days when she was nursing and sleeping in my arms, LOL.
but this too shall pass...
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Sarah
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At_His_Feet wrote:
I'm not sure if this is a correct assumption, but I seem to know/see lots of other families with toddlers, who are so well behaved during Mass. . |
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That WOULD NOT be us! Our ds 22 months is impossible. He is so sweet and means well but is so loud and active.
We've tried snacks but my dh thinks its not worth the effort because its 5-10 minutes of snacking and lots of clean-up plus the other kids want a bite.
Books. They work for about 5 minutes. He has to make noise with each picture, though.
The only thing that really works is Daddy firmly holding him and walking in the back which is really wearing dh down considering our Masses can go up to 1.5-1.75 hours.
Eventually they out grown it, but it is really really hard. You are not alone. We have toddlers at our church that are near perfect and then there are ones that are impossible. I think it depends on the temperment of the child and dynamics of the family. The ones who seem meeker have parents that seem to be more soft-spoken and quiet themselves.
Hang in there. It is not uncommon to take a child out of Mass when they are 3. DD3 (almost 4) has her louder moments and is just now getting better.
He'll get it sooner or later!
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hobbitmom
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Sarah wrote:
| I think it depends on the temperment of the child and dynamics of the family. The ones who seem meeker have parents that seem to be more soft-spoken and quiet themselves. |
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I think this is exactly right. My ds (just turned 2 today!) is usually well-behaved at Mass, and the comments I get are embarrassing, because I know I have so little to do with it. He's a quiet introvert by nature; so is dh, and so am I. But I don't expect his sibling (due 8/27) to necessarily be the same way!
That said, we do not bring snacks, and we've noticed that books don't really work either. Our best bet is to always sit in the very front, and to whisper in his ear a simplified explanation of what he's watching.
Try not to feel like having your toddler act up at Mass means you're less of a parent than those with quiet kids. They have other difficulties elsewhere that you don't see!
Have you read The Temperament God Gave You? Learning what your own temperament is, and that of each of your children, can help you figure out how best to work with them. (It also helps in communicating with your dh, but that's another thread!  )
Amy
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Philothea
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I agree that much of it is temperament. My DH and I are outspoken, strong-willed and opinionated -- so is our son. He is a handful, but the attributes that make life so hard sometimes now will serve him well in life if we train his heart correctly. Be encouraged!
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MarieC
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Tricia, you've gotten so much good advice so far but I thought I'd add one bit that has worked well for us. We found that our ds behaved much better for daddy in Mass than mommy! DS spent nearly all of his Mass time from 18-20 mos. until about 3 1/2 with my dh. He's just gotten back to sitting with me a bit recently. Our younger son seems to be beginning to follow that course as well.
Another idea that's been working lately....before entering the church ds holds out his hands and I pretend to put glue on them. He then does a much better job of keeping "prayer hands" at Mass. Hands folded in prayer can't get into as much trouble!
Good luck with your little guy!
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Anne McD
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Everyone has had such great suggestions so far! S/t else that worked well for us and really surprised us, is this: we say a rosary on the way to Mass. Not the kids, mind you. For the first six months or so they yelled from the back seat "stop praying, stop praying!" But, miraculously, after the first time, it was calmer. This is not tried and true, "we have the most well behaved children in the world" kind of miracle-- but on the whole, starting that first week, there has been a noticable difference. The two year old? I still take her out and let her run off some steam in the hallway (we're in a high school auditorium right now) where I can still hear and participate, but we just keep going back in and out.
Funny story-- at the end of Mass one Sunday, Father and the alter boys came down off the stage and stood in front of the alter, waiting for thier time to genuflect and recess. My daughter ran after them, stood next to the last alter boy, looking up at the alter, got down on her knees when they genuflected, and I had to run and grab her as she started to get up and walk back with them.
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humanaevitae
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Our kids have all been active and Mass can be sooo difficult. If we leave to go to the crying room I continue to hold the child and do not let them down in the crying room. Sometimes the toddler will scream bloody murder for 15 minutes in the room but we still insist they must sit on my lap. If it disturbs other people in the crying room we go somewhere else boring. I do not give the child attention but will ask if they are ready to be quiet so we can go sit with the family.
We also have been known to swat their bottem if they are capable of sitting still and just don't want to. We do not bring toys or food but the toddlers may look at books.
This stage is very tiring isn't it?!
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ALmom
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In our church, when we had 2 yo, all the statues were in the back - as were crowds of people that were semi-participating in Mass. We avoided the cry room at all costs as it seemed to be used a lot as a play room for toddlers and even older children. Going out was decidedly difficult and exposed children to the mass exodus before Mass was over, adults chatting throughout, etc. It wasn't a great place to be - but still we did the very best that we could. We held the child, participated in Mass, including standing and kneeling at the appropriate moments and avoiding those who tried to chat with us. If the toddler was just tenuous and wiggly but not fussing - too distracting to be in the pew or we anticipated an approaching meltdown, but the child settled as we stood with them, we simply remained in the sanctuary, standing in the back. If we needed to exit, we did. We tried to anticipate and avoid distracting others as much as possible, but sometimes a toddler fell apart before we recognized the warning signs and we simply had to exit as quickly as possible. Sitting in the front and making sure you had an end seat on the side aisle helped us to exit rapidly without excessive distraction. We tried to follow a rule of thumb - bringing them back in once or twice but not bouncing back and forth all Mass (3rd time out, we stayed out no matter what).
So our plan was - we brought nothing to entertain at Mass - no food, drink, toys, books. For us this was just feeding the "I go to Mass to be entertained mentality - not saying this is not a possible means but considering the atmosphere in our particular situation it seemed counterproductive. Also it became a source of temptation for our other children/toddlers that had just learned to behave. Before entering the sanctuary, we took dc to the water fountain or gave them a cup of water (this before entering the sanctuary, we'd stay in the vestibule till child was finished), which was to last them for the hour. We tried to make sure the toddler was well fed before Mass, even if the rest of us were not - often letting him eat in the car on the way to Mass. We also found the Mass that most consistently helped the behavior - for us this was the earliest 7:30 AM and we did whatever it took to make it - even having boys sleep in church clothes if that was the only way to make it. Definitely, everything was set out the night before.
We always chose the very front pew where we had the best view of the altar. We tried to be a good example ourselves and not unduly paranoid about shuffling, etc or over directing. After all, if we are paying attention at Mass ourselves we only notice what is truely distracting and accept a certain amount of toddler wiggles. We taught about the Mass outside of Mass (I'm sure you all do this) and limited ourselves to including him in prayers at consecration (Ie My Lord and My God. See, there is Jesus) If toddler got wiggly and seemed on the edge right around Communion time, I would whisper a request that he please pray for Mommy. Generally, this got us over a hump and I certainly can use the prayers of my innocents!
We spoke about showing love for Jesus in the way we behave. Now, granted, this may be a very advanced concept for 2 and we remember this and are patient, especially realizing the example generally didn't confirm us, but over time we could whisper a reminder to show Jesus that he loved Him. The toddler typically responded by blowing a kiss at the crucifix, kneeling and praying or something generally acceptable.
We also tried not to sit in front of other toddlers (they tempt each other) or grandmas who want to play and get them set off before Mass starts.
The more reverent the Mass, the easier and more quickly our toddlers figured things out - but, yes, we did take them out from time to time and reverent Masses were not always available to us.
Sometimes the fussiness turned out to be "our fault". Gee, child fell asleep early the night before without much supper and we thought food was in the car but turns out dc never got any food before Mass and was desperately hungry and suffering. I remember that time distinctly as I took toddler out praying not to lose my cool (I have a short fuse, generally). On the way out we stopped by Mommy Mary and the Sacred Heart statues. He blew kisses but seemed to remain inconsolable. I could not understand what was going on, he was in obvious meltdown and we had to go outside - and he was inconsolable about being out of church - but way too fussy to take back in. Anyways, I asked him to take it to mommy Mary as she would understand even when I didn't. Well, Momma Mary knew what I had forgotten and it just popped into my head and we were able to actually resolve the issue (didn't have any food, but did take him to the water fountain, he calmed down to go back in Mass and we all learned valuable lessons).
If behaviour is really out of line, we spend time after Mass praying in reparation (I use terms like to show Jesus and Mommy Mary how sorry we are and how much we love them). Obviously we keep it short and suited to the childs attention span of the moment but that way we always end on a positive.
For good behaviour, we often treat to time on the playground after Mass, playing with their friends.
One thing that has really helped was adjusting my attitude - toddlers are little people that God has entrusted to our care - but he also teaches us through them. Sometimes I miss the homily tending to a little one, but God is providing me with the homily He wants me to hear at that time. My meditation at Mass may be directed by the distractions of my littles - but they come up with some of the most profound reflections when we listen. I have found that being very calm and matter of fact about what we do at Mass and why and simply trying to be courteous to all (those in the church that my toddler might distract, my toddler, my other children, etc.) and accepting the fact that toddlers typically have days that just don't go well and they aren't used to sitting still for long periods of time just helps us all. We also found that prayers before Mass (include a request to your child's guardian angel and yours) and maintaining church behavior in church at all times does help (whether you are there for brief stations, a visit, cleaning, or Mass). Consistency is a powerful teacher. Patiently exiting before the toddler has been "bad" is something we try to do outside of Mass regularly. As mom you generally anticipate this. In Mass we tried to anticipate the downward spiral and exit before the fit but trying not to jump out too soon. We can only pray and do the best we can with making these judgement calls. I'm sure we sometimes exited too soon, and sometimes too late - but hopefully we hit it right most of the time.
We did use the strategy of carrying out and holding them for the duration. Ie, I wanted to be sure that it was way more fun to be in Mass than not. They all saw Mass as a priviledge and were proud of being a big person in Mass. We generally stood in the sanctuary where whoever was holding dc, continued to participate at Mass. My dh and I would trade places as we finished receiving Communion. However, if we needed to, we could exit to the vestibule. Often, just standing with child would help. We did the best we could, remembering to offer the struggles to God. Distractions of some sort or another are a pretty normal part of prayer - and might as well start out learning how to keep turning our thoughts back to God even as we do what must be done - learning to accept the moments as they come.
Anyways, what a long winded way to say that it is normal to have a toddler that acts up. Funny thing - even when our toddler acted up, we often received compliments for how well-behaved our children were. I might have been in the back (or dh) with a toddler in a temper tantrum, but the people, I think, really appreciated the fact that those in Mass had behavior that was not distracting to others. They really didn't notice our quick, down the side aisle exit even though we were in the very front pew - as far as they knew, I was going to change a diaper, I guess .
Anyways, don't get discouraged, and expect to be standing a lot until the child is 3 or 4. It improves a lot by 31/2 - and usually is a horrible challenge just before it gets better. Why is it that just as we recognize our absolute limit, things seem to come together without any great technique on our part. Rather humbling, I think.
Janet
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Angie Mc
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More options!
Hang in there, Tricia! May your efforts be blessed.
Love,
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happymama
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okay, this is an old thread, but i just joined the group & want to add a different perspective. i have 3 sons under age 5 & here's what we do: hubby & I go to Mass at different times on the weekends.
Sure, ideally we'd be there as a family each week with all kids behaving like seminarians.
That's just not the season of my life right now. Before I had kids, or kids who were mobile, I never would have dreamed of leaving one of them home from Sunday Mass.
My 4yo comes with me almost always now and behaves okay. The younger 2 are exceedingly difficult. We don't have a cry room in our church. With the kids, I don't get to hear a single word of the Mass, and here's the clincher: I'M THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO HEAR IT!!! Without the washing of the Word and the time to really pray the Mass, my spiritual life really suffers. I NEED the Mass! Occasionally we try to attend Mass as a family, you know, "just to try it again" - and by the end I'm an angry, frustrated, frazzled mess.
A second-best "ideal" situation would be to arrive at Church after the Liturgy of the Word & bring all the kids up front for the Liturgy of the Eucharist. Think about it - the Scripture readings and the homily are intended for adults, are they not? When was the last time you heard a homily preached for the 2-year-olds?! But the Liturgy of the Eucharist has the movement, smells, and sounds that toddlers can learn to love, especially if you use Mass materials like in the Good Shepherd Catechesis in your home, as we do.
Also, I must add that I do try to bring all the kids to daily Mass with me when I can. It's only 20-30 minutes long, and the people there seem to mind less if the kids are noisy. I figure this way the kids are still getting used to being there, just not for 60-70 minutes at a stretch. I've also visited the Church outside of Mass to teach my eldest how to genuflect and so on. My brother is a priest, so we get to spend time with him, too, and hang out in his rectory.
I don't want my kids to hate going to Mass. I want them to want to be there. And, strictly speaking, they aren't under obligation until they are at the age of reason. Which is 7.
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Lisbet
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All of my kids have been a handful between about 12 months and 3 years. At some point Father has called every single one of them "a pistol" We currently have 3 under 3 so we really do have our hands full right now. Dh has the 2 and 3 year old boys, and he usually makes it all the way through mass with them in the pew, constantly correcting their wrong doings and guiding them to pay attention as much as they are able. I am usually out with the 1 year old (Hi MarieC LOL!) in the vestibule. I DO NOT put her down. We stand back there and try to come back to the pew when she settles. Usually between the ages of 3 and 4 they behave well and actually look forward to going to mass. My older children (those 8 and up) beg to go to mass or make visits during the week. Like someone else mentioned, weekday masses are a good time to familiarize little ones with the church, surroundings, and proper behavior.
It is very difficult at times to get through a whole mass with little ones. (sometimes I find myself wishing Father would offer confession AFTER mass too! LOL!) but for us, I have found that accepting this is a tough age and perservering in training them to behave is well worth it! :)
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ALmom
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I will pipe in that for us going as a family was essential and given (though I know that splitting up for Mass is a legitimate solution for some) - but there were times I felt as Happymamma pointed out. I am not the most patient person in the world. When I really needed it, my dh would be happy to let me go back to a later Mass by myself after the first Mass as a family. I didn't do this a lot, but it was a lifeline when things were immensely stressful. Other times dh would take dc out to play while I had extra time before the Blessed Sacrament.
I guess it all boils down to - it is very normal to have fussy littles in Mass, and as families we each find a creative way to meet everyones true needs. Don't get discouraged, it only lasts a very short time for each - though when you have lots of littles together, it can seem to drag out a bit longer. I will say we've found that having older dc, seems to encourage proper behavior sooner in subsequent youngers.
Janet
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Kathryn UK
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I had a season where I left my then toddler at home with my non-Catholic dh. She was loud ... there was no cry room ... and I was plunging into a spiritual desert (the result of stupidly trying to juggle a music ministry with having small children at Mass). At that time having time to recoup spiritually and to help my then 5yo focus on the Mass was more important than taking the younger one.
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JennGM
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My son is almost 4 and is still a handful in Mass. He's not being "bad" but he just is constant movement, which does wear on our nerves. Danielle Bean's new book Mom to Mom had a short chapter on "Surviving Church." Boy, could I identify! She said about sometimes feeling like rejoicing when Father says "The Mass is ended" because the battle is over!
We try to sit near the front, for close view. We bring only Mass books, to follow along. When I took Catechesis training last month, they kept emphasizing that you shouldn't try to teach your child about Mass AT Mass. And the Catechesis approach going through the Mass even for the young age helps so much. Also singing the hymns and parts of the Mass at home, discussing the season and colors and feasts.
Another thing they emphasized, I think a Montessori philosophy, that we shouldn't EXPECT a child to be absolutely still. It's not really in their nature. We are modeling what good behavior in church, but we can't expect no movement from a child who learn through their senses and is total movement (at least mine is).
We do take our son out at times...especially when he uses a loud voice and won't be quiet. It's not a reward. Daddy or Mommy holds him in the back of church the whole time. Our cry room is crowded, loud, and smelly. He does NOT want to ever go there.
Anyway, our son is a work in progress. My parents did the split shift for many years. It's all different approaches.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Mass & 2 yr olds!
