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Karen S.
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| Posted: May 01 2007 at 3:20pm | IP Logged
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Our dd's (8,6,4,1) are each others best friends, and are pretty much inseperable which is beautiful but yesterday I was taken back by a comment a friend said to me: "some day you are going to have to deal with them not doing everything together." She said this when I asked if the older three could go to her daughter b-day party when just the 8 & 6 dd's were invited. I knew the 4yr old would be disappointed being left out. All three of the girls play with this friends daughter so I guess I didn't see my 4yr old as needing to be excluded. To make it more problematic, the friends daughter verbally invited them all but sent invites to only the older two.
Anyway, my real question: Do I encourage my dd's to have seperate friends, interests,etc. so they aren't as independent on each other as this friend suggested? If so, how do I help them cope with disappointment when they feel left out? Thanks.
In His Mercy,
Karen S.
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teachingmom
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Virginia Bluebells
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| Posted: May 01 2007 at 3:59pm | IP Logged
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Karen,
We have been in similar situations at times. It is very hard for sisters who regularly play as a group to be left out of an invitation. I think it is probably even more pronounced in our families than in others because our children are all girls. They are more likely to be closer friends to one another and to feel hurt by being left out of things that their sisters are invited to. (Not saying that boys wouldn't feel left out too. But I know how we females are extra sensitive to such things!)
Here is what I have done at various times:
I've encouraged them to continue playing with one another and cultivating group friendships.
But I've also encouraged similar-age friendships when they come along. I don't actively look for them, though.
I try to plan extra fun consolation prize activities for those left out of invitations or age-limited activites. I took my older two girls to a Pure Fashion Show this past weekend. (Highly recommended activity, by the way!) My 8yo felt SOOO left out and really wished she could be included, but I felt it wasn't age appropriate for her. So dh took the younger girls out to an ice cream parlor (something we basically never do) and met up with some cousins to play for the afternoon.
And I can think of at least one time when I have spoken to a mom about a dd with hurt feelings after she was left out of a birthday party invitation. The birthday girl was halfway between two of my dds in age. Everytime the girls got together they played together as a group of three, even at the home of the birthday girl. Since this was the first invitation of this sort from this family, I thought it was worth it to say something right out so we didn't have such excluding in the future. I agonized over what to do, but ended up telling the mom how hurt my dd was. Thankfully, the mom could see it from dd's perspective and graciously extended an extra invitation.
Sometimes I can only sympathize with the left out dds and help them to learn to accept disappointments.
You have my sympathy! Raising girls can be so hard when hurt feelings come into play.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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helene
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| Posted: May 01 2007 at 4:03pm | IP Logged
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I think you are the luckiest woman in the world and do not need to "encourage" them to be independent from each other in any way. If they "grow" away from each other someday, fine. But hopefully they willalways be each other's best friends. Both my husband and I are most closest to our siblings in life, not other friends from the past. I think it is natural and wholesome for your girls to be so inseperable, especially at this age!
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Happy Mom to five girls (20,17,13,11and 4) and five boys (19, 15, 10, 8 and 6)
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Betsy
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| Posted: May 01 2007 at 6:44pm | IP Logged
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+JMJ+
We have struggled with a similar issue except I have 6 & 5 year old boys. They play together all the time, but in the past when a family has only had one boy (usually my oldest age) three becomes a crowd.
It is very difficult and I think that people that do not have same sex sibling close together might not truly undstand this. So, no advice...but I have been their too and sometims it can a touchy subject to deal with.
But, in the end blood is thicker than water and I would rather have my children investing their time in friendship that will last forever than worry about what people say.
Betsy
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CAgirl4God
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| Posted: May 21 2007 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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my kids (ds 10, dds 7,6 and 2) all play very well together.
the girls are each other's best friends. though somedays I think they get tired of each other.
I love this!!!
that being said, we know a wonderful family with 1 children, the oldest 33 and the youngest 10 or 11 now.... it is a joy to be them. even though the ages range is great, it is amazing to see them just be together. there realy isn't any bickering, or sassyness, they work together as a team, helping out what ever needs to be done. you can not just see the love they have for one another, but feel it. It is wonderful.
I only have four, but if I can get even close to that, then I am doing well....
I think that you are a blessed women....
no as far as not being invited? that is a hard one. I would have to say with this one, try to do something else with the little ones.... distraction.
with 8 and 6 yr old, maybe the age different and types of activities would be too much (or the hostess thinks it may be) for a younger child. or maybe the hostess just felt that she could only have so many child there.
I would think it made it even harder if they all play together regularly...
good luck...
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: May 21 2007 at 11:24am | IP Logged
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My girls, 7,5, and 3, are inseparable. I think it is great. I don't encourage outside friendships (not that I would discourage a suitable one), I love the fact that they do everything together.
We have had a couple of instances of one or two not being invited somewhere, usually it is the three year old. I have the found the solution to that can either be distraction like others have said. Or you can ask the hostess if the younger child can come if you come along to be an extra pair of hands. I guess this only works with moms you are really comfortable with, but then again, my kids don't spend time with families I don't know well enough to impose myself on! 
The relationship between your kids is precious. I say encourage it, nurture it, and ignore outside comments from those who really can't understand.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Siblings as friends
