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mary
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I currently have 3 kids and will be 40 in a few weeks. My dh and I are trying to discern if we should have a 4th baby. I was wondering if any of you would mind sharing a bit of your own decisions about discerning more children. Did you always just want lots of children? Were you ever conflicted about being open and yet feeling as if you didn't quite have enough to go around? Sometimes, I'm ready to move on to the next phase, get off the nursing chair and be able to do things without a baby. I realize that much of that is selfish. I'm wondering if any of you have ever struggled with this and could give me some of your insight and experience. I guess I just need a push off of my fence.
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cswini
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Dear Mary,
My husband and I had a conversion of heart and decided to be open to life again when the youngest of our older four was 9, and he and I were both over 40. We had Max when we were 41, and Julia at 44. They are such amazing blessings to us, our older children and our extended family! Our life is more complicated, but in a good way. Letting go and letting God was wonderful for us, and I sincerely believe it will be to you, too.
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Catherine, wife to Joe, mother to Ben '86, Laura '88, Samantha '89, Jessica '92, Max '02, & Julia '04
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Bridget
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I may not be the most helpful person to address the question because I have always wanted a large family and am unabashedly enthusiastic about them.
I guess an important part of discernment would be to look at the Church's teaching. According to Humae Vitae a couple must have 'grave reasons', the catechism uses the term 'just reasons' to prevent or postpone conception with NFP. Of course, grave or just reasons may be different for each couple. Hopefully to be discerned through prayer and maybe the counsel of a good priest.
I am 40 and 30 weeks pregnant. I will admit that this has been a harder pregnancy physically. However my older children have been wonderful about chores, taking care of the littles, the boys love to help me up off the couch. They are all so sweet, and thanks be to God they can move fast when the 19 month old is in danger.
I doubt anyone regrets the birth of another child. I have talked to many older women who regret not having more. I'm sure God will reward your efforts to be generous and faithful to HIm, whether He calls you to be open to more children or not.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Bridget
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I should add that we have had a couple of situations in recent years when we wondered what God was asking of us regarding children. When I was expecting our 6th my DH had a heart attack. This past year we have had some financial struggles.
In both instances we prayed and were certain that God was calling us to continue to be open. We both felt that we are on earth to spend ourselves attaining heaven.
For us, there is no more joyful or better way to spend ourselves than in raising whatever children God sends us.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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ourladyslilac
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We just had our fifth child and I am 42 and my husband 45. I second the fact that physically, this baby made me more tired and it seems it is taking me longer to get back to normal. Please note that I do think that most of that is my fault as far as not being physically fit before conceiving.
We will remain open to life and leave it in our good Lord's hands if He wants to give us any more children. Each child is so unique I couldn't imagine doing anything (NFP) to block God's designs for our family.
There have been big gaps between babies - ages are 13 - 11 - 6 -4 and now newborn.
The older ones have been a huge help running and fetching while I rested and taking over some cooking and cleaning.
May God bless you in your discernment for your family.
Marianne
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Cheryl
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This was good for me to read this morning. I have 3 children. (I'm 35.) My dh and I were looking forward to having a 4th baby, then in January I had a miscarriage. We started trying to have another one as soon as was recommended, but I'm not pregnant yet. This morning I woke up thinking that 3 children is enough, maybe we shouldn't be trying for another. I'm very tired from staying up too late and my dd 3 still nursing frequently. How could I handle a baby?
Then I read these posts and realized that it's mostly fear. I'm scared of miscarrying again. We're driving to Toronto with the kids Monday, we have lots of plans this weekend and I'm worried about not getting everything done. I also had some selfish thoughts like, when can I golf with my husband again? When can we go see Star Wars? We keep needing babysitters for the functions we need to go to.
It helped me to be reminded of the Church's teaching. It helped to remember that I was fearful when I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd, and what a blessing she has been!!!! Today I will try to remember that God doesn't give me more than I can handle.
To answer your question...no, I did not always want a large family. I'm not sure if I do now, but I'm trying to be open to it.
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Cheryl
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Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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mary
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I appreciate you all sharing your thoughts/experiences on this issue. I came from a large family and didn't really want to repeat that myself. there was so little of everything to go around although I realize as an adult that this had more to do with my parents than the size of our family.
We have used NFP for almost all of our 12 years of marriage. I feel that we have prayerfully discerned our family thus far. Bridget, I quite agree with you that no one regrets the birth of a child. I think the timing is sometimes difficult though. We had our last baby right after 3 deaths in our families and it was an emotionally difficult time for us. My dd has been a complete joy, however. Her birth/life has brought us such peace and hope again after our grief.
Is it selfish and wrong to feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of adding another child? To wish for some time without a needy baby? To want to go to the bathroom alone?! I understand this is just a season and when it is gone that I will miss it. It's just hard to see that when you are knee deep in diapers and breastmilk. I know that none of those are grave reasons and I try to open my heart. I have just joined a Familia group and my dh is open to a new baby. I just feel conflicted.
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Bridget
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mary wrote:
Is it selfish and wrong to feel a bit overwhelmed at the thought of adding another child? To wish for some time without a needy baby? To want to go to the bathroom alone?! |
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Well, that is perfectly normal! I am so enthusiastic about large families and even enjoy the swirling chaos most of the time. But I get overwhelmed and long for some peace at times too. It just goes with the territory. (I've been known to lock myself in my bedroom with chocolate and ignore the little crowd gathering outside the door.)
I try hard to have a sense of humor about those times, or use them to increase sanctitiy. I am trying to take my times of frustration and need for peace to our Lord in prayer. Probably a better response than escaping with chocolate, but that has some merit too. 
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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Angela F
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Hi all,
I found this article by Elizabeth to be so uplifting and inspiring that I've printed it off and read it every so often. It's not so much about discerning as it is about the infant/toddler season of a mother's life. Several posts here made me think of it, so I just thought I'd post the link. Enjoy.
God bless,
Angela
http://www.catholicexchange.com/vm/index.asp?vm_id=6&art_id= 25271
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St. Josemaria Escriva
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mary
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Thank you Angela. I must really be meant to read Elizabeth's article - it arrived in my Family Foundations magazine today.
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Angela F
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That same article? How neat!  And what is the Family Foundations magazine? Can't say I've heard of that one!
Angela
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Mom to 7 blessings - welcome to Hanna Clare 1/19/10
"‘Great’ holiness consists in carrying out the ‘little’ duties of each moment."
St. Josemaria Escriva
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mary
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Yes, the exact same article. Family Foundations is the bimonthly magazine put out by Couple to Couple League
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Kelly
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I come from a large family and always wanted a large family, too, but I know that decision has not come naturally to many including my dh, who comes from a small and not very happy family. Still, I had the example of mother, who had me at 40, my little brother at 44 and my little sister at NEARLY 50... It may have worn her out physically, but it kept her attitude young and fun. And my father was 67 years young when my baby sister was born! So, I've just kept barreling along having babies as long as I've been able. My baby, now 3, was born when I was 44. At 46, no new babies in the offing, and it makes me very wistful (tho I keep hoping!). Of course, everyone knows their own situations best--and everyone is different. But in terms of having babies over age 40, my experience has been the following: Yes, it does take a little more starch out of you, and a full house is definitely louder, but I find that little things bother me less. I also found that post-partum-wise, I wasn't nearly as tired with a newborn, by, say, #5, than I was with #1. Neither was my dh. I think you just get used to short sound bytes in the nap department. And sleeping with the baby in the bed makes a world of difference. Nursing a baby in bed is so relaxing to me. But these were tricks I didn't learn until I'd had a few babies. I really think you figure out ways---Godly enlightenment?---to compensate for your waning energy! And older children are truly a help.
I have a friend who had her first child at age 42. She told me then that even though she had so much less energy at that age than most of the younger mothers, that she knew how to pace herself better at that age, and didn't sweat the small stuff as much as a younger mother. I always think of her words!
Kelly in FL
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Meredith
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WE thought we were *done* when our third child came into the world and then when I weaned him reluctantly at 2 1/2 we became pregnant with our 4th which was just born April 20th. Wow, was I a little surprised with how much we thought we had it all figured out. We were "moving on to the next phase of our lives", no more diapers, no more bed sharing (well sort of) I got my body back to myself and my husband, that sort of thinking. So now we have this beautiful new baby boy and we coulnd't imagine life without him. I also just turned the big 40 in May and I'm still a little numb from that, but to have this new baby is SO wonderful. He's been my easiest so far and it doesn't seem that much harder with four than it was with three, although he's not a 3 year old yet 
God will guide your path if you let him and trust in his supreme knowledge of what's best for your family. We don't know if there's a fifth in our future but for right now four feels just right! God BLess you and your family. +JMJ+
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Meredith
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Erica Sanchez
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I pray that God will send us more children, I think he is calling us to have more children. We've been on the two year plan, a baby every two years (actually the first two are 17 months apart). After baby #5, I really felt like I needed a little more time before the next one, if there is to be a next one. Now she is 2. I have been so grateful for that little break. I know I am a better mom because of it and physically I feel ready.
A great read and very helpful to me was Kimberly Hahn's book, Life Giving Love.
God bless you, Mary, in this time of discernment.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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mary
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Erica, I quite agree with you that (for me) a bit of increased spacing has been what I needed, both emotionally and physically. Wow, Kelly, your mom had a baby at 50! Or maybe that doesn't seem so odd, the closer I get to 50. Thank you all so much for sharing your opinions and experiences with me.
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Elizabeth
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My article was in Family Foundations? Would someone who has it please PM or email me? NO one at Family Foundations *TOLD* me they were printing--and they certainly didn't ask  .
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Elizabeth
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Reading through this thread, I'm struck by a sign of contradiction. According to my research, forty-year-old women only have a 5% chance of conceiving each month. I've read that in several places. Yet here, on this board, and in homeschooling communities, it's almost assumed that one can get pregnant at forty. And it seems to bear itself out. There are a handful of us who have seen childbearing appear to end in our late thirties but many of you are conceiving and carrying well into your early forties. Would someone explain how we could have such a large percentage of women who are pregnant at 40+, when the statistical chance of getting pregnant (when trying) is so low?
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Bridget
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I think a lot of those stats are women who postponed child bearing till 40. Women who have had children all through their childbearing years have a much easier time conceiving later.
I've have heard the speculation that the older fertility among homeschoolers is a sign of God's blessing and approval on the community as a whole. That's an Old Testament way of thinking, but it may have some merit, I don't know.
Anyway, I'm not convinced that everyone who appears to be at an end of fertility, really is. Sometimes, it's just a lull.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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mary
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I do think fertility decreases with age, but that a 5% conception rate isn't so low when you consider that the conception rate is only 20% per month when you are in your 30s. (I don't know what it is in your 20s but it can't be all that much higher.) I have also read that the age of the first pregnancy plays a huge role in a woman's increased fertility.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: discerning more children
