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ShawnaB
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 11:09pm | IP Logged
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The house RIGHT across the street from us just sold. Actually, its right across the drive way, and we share a driveway with this house, and our houses face one another. Well, the house just sold to a family with two children, a boy the same age as ds6 and a girl the same age as dd4...sounds perfect, right?
Well, I met the mom yesterday, and she was very nice, pleasant and agreeable. She is also a career woman, working full-time, and her children are in fulltime public school and preschool. Of course, I must admit that I was disappointed...not that I think homeschooling is for everyone...but I was letting myself dream at bit that perhaps we would have a lot in common with our new neighbors.
And here is where I need wisdom...of course I don't even know these people yet, and I'm not wanting to pass judgement, but I do know that kids in public school/daycare do live a very different lifestyle than children who do not. I am concerned that there are already expectations that our children will spend a lot of time at one another's homes..since we are just a stone's throw...and it would certainly be convenient. We've never had nearby neighbors with kids, so its never been an issue. I choose very carefully who my young children spend time with, and rarely allow them to play at other children's homes. We only spoke for about 15 minutes and about half the conversation revolved around her concern for finding adequate childcare here in a new town. I am also a bit concerned that I do not become a convenient baby sitter.
I have not been so great about making boundaries in the past, and its scary to think about getting off on the wrong foot with a neighbor so close.
Does anyone have wisdom to pass my way?
I must admit that I do feel a little bad even asking this question, as it almost seems uncharitable, but I imagine that there are those of you who have perhaps had similar experiences, and I am seeking to gain wisdom...
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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aussieannie
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 11:49pm | IP Logged
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Shawna it is not an uncharitable question at all. We all homeschool for many reasons, but a wise choice of friends and proper supervision over them is usually a big factor with most.
We have had nine different neighbours on our left hand side in 12 years and so we think we have alot of experience and gained a bit of wisdom..the hard way.  
We feel St Joseph has just removed our last neighbours, we had been praying and praying and they moved the day before his feast this year. (That sounds awful to read but we were dealing with a very naughty child who was a law unto herself and tried to 'foist' herself upon our children and had NO regard for parental authority - ours or her own parents (this 10year old was nearly expelled from her school) - the father got very nasty at our need for caution and he was acting like a 'loose cannon' that was frightening - he sounded violent in his own home too.)
Our personal preference is not to have families living in close vicinity - we pray for that now. We find there is always an issue to deal with, when we allow children into our yard - we never let our children play in another's yard or house, period. Our children have enough good, Catholic friends with parents we know well, with a moral code we share and our children are content with that, as we do make great efforts to see they play weekly with these sort of children.
It is a delicate thing, my husband and I are gregarious people and so we demonstrate that with our neighbours where we can, being helpful and a support with anything where we can. But people pick up very quickly, knowing that we are friendly but that we have a reserve with other children and we just allow them to pick up on that 'vibe' we do it kindly but firmly.
The trouble with allowing playing in any way too early anyway, is that when things start to 'show' in time that you are really not happy with, you then can offend the neighbour. You truly don't know them - people forget that, we live in a world of 'instant best buddies' . If you show reserve from the beginning, they can't really take offence to that because they know, you don't know them well enough to have a personal, specific reason, so they can't really take it personally. They will think, "Oh well, it's just there thing..."
I'll give you an example of neighbourly support but reserve with children from our end. People just know it with us now what we are like. We had neighbours across the road - there were two daughters one much older and younger one at playing age with my older children and they just saw the way we were with children in general in the neighbourhood and it never worried the parent that we did not allow our children to play with the younger daughter. The mum was a fairly private person too, but was always happy to have her daughter play with neighbour children.
This lady had her oldest daughter fall pregnant a second time and the daughter had not coped with the first child, so the mother was now raising him. As the due date drew closer with this second baby, the mother had said in conversation to me that the baby might need to go to foster care because she could not give up her job (single mum herself through divorce) to raise a baby intensively for the first six weeks where there is no day care for the child of that age.
We went over a few days later and said we would look after the newborn while she was a work - things worked out in the end as the new mum changed her parenting behaviour.
They left soon after to a new home but kept in contact with us and wanted us to be the godparents to the little girl, (we had more conversations afterwards than when they had lived there all those years) she is now showing interest in the Catholic faith....so I feel you can show love and support where you can and they work out the reasonings why you do what you do and they can see in other ways in your care and concern for them, that you are not making a personal judgement on them...
With the neighbours who have been unreasonable and not liked our situation, we have just prayed until they have left and our heavenly intercessors have never let our prayers go unanswered - things have changed for the better, fairly promptly too.
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mom2mpr
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 11:59pm | IP Logged
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I feel for you, Shawna. The house next door to us is for sale, has had no kids, and I have my "issues" with the fear of the unknown.
The mom sounds nice. She might be expressing some of her concerns--moving is hard. Maybe she hopes you know someone to do childcare for her? Think positive. Know there will probably be differences but if you both can respect them you will be great neighbors. Hey, and you might want to help out occasionally on those snow days :)
I hope it works out well for you(and me  --I am still praying for a Catholic homeschooling family with a 9 year old boy who loves classical music and Legos )
Anne
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Lisbet
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 2:34am | IP Logged
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We don't 'do' neighbors. Don't get me wrong, were not mean, we don't ignore, we chat from time to time, we say hi, we help out when/where we can, but, my kids don't play in thier yards or houses, and they don't play in ours. I've had toooooo many issues over the past few years. One seriously moral issue with a neighbor boy when I did allow him to play here one rainy afternoon, NEVER AGAIN! I spoke with his mother because I was concerned with what he was being exposed to, and she seemed concerned also, but I still will not risk it. Then we had the horrible CSB issue last summer. I will not open my family up to that anymore.
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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 6:01am | IP Logged
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LOL Shawna, I am in the same situation except that I am distressed because the chid in question IS homeschooled, therefore home all day waiting in our driveway for our daughter to finish her lessons. Some nice ladies posted advice in this thread. The boy is a few years older and his family situation is vastly different from our own - as are their morals. Ugh. It has been a constant issue over the past week. But we are spending far more time on lessons lately.
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Cheryl
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 6:13am | IP Logged
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We live on a street with a house being built, the house across from us for sale and 4 lots for sale. I will be meeting neighbors soon! I'm actually hoping that they have some dc for my boys to play with.
In our old neighborhood my ds 8 had a friend that played with him often when he came home from school. His parents both worked, but they were a very nice family. We never got really close. We kept it so that the kids always played outside. I think the other Mom would tell her son that rainy days were for down time or doing things in the house with siblings. Often we'd sit outside on my steps and talk while the dc were small or sit in her yard. When the boys were older they'd play in the front yards and we could both see them from windows. Eventually we let the boys play in our backyard without us out there and I trusted her to watch my ds in her backyard.
We have quiet time between 1:00 and 2:00 and my dd 4 used to be a light napper. So I used to tape a paper note to our door saying, "It's quiet time. Please come back after 2:00." So that the dc in the neighborhood wouldn't ring the doorbell.
So far our new neighbors' dc are all under 3 except for the boys at the end of the street who go to Catholic school and seem to never be home. The people building a house next to us have a ds 9 and my ds 8 is so excited. He met him already. I plan to be outside a lot for awhile and to set some limits. But who knows, I may be asking for help with some wacko neighbors in the future.
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Lorri
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My advice would be that you and dh come up with some rules for when/where/how your dc can play with other neighborhood children. You absolutely can become friends with your new neighbors and still set limits. For example, during school time and quiet time, no friends over and no babysitting on your part. It's ok to say "no" to requests for babysitting when it's not convenient for you. You don't have to give a reason if you don't want, just a simple, "oh, I can't that day," is enough. If she persists, you can be straightforward and just say, "I'm sorry to have to keep telling you 'no', but I'm not really available for babysitting. After our school time is over for the day, I still have sooo much to do and I can barely keep up with my own children!"
We live on a military base and so we are always getting new neighbors and having to 'break-in' new friends. I like to establish the rules for our house right away so it does not become an issue. Every afternoon, I let all 3 of my dc play outside in our backyard. Our next door neighbor (homeschooled) can see right away that my dc are outside, as can my ds' best friend who lives a couple of houses down. But my youngest is 20 months old so I don't allow anyone in our yard while he's outside. My other two just don't pay attention to him with other people in our yard, and other children don't pay attention to him either. Plus, once one neighbor is in our yard, we can easily get up to 10 other children! It's just not safe for the toddler. So for the hour that he is out, no one comes in our yard and no one leaves. Which means that the neighbor kids often gather around our fence and interact with our kids until the baby comes in for a nap. We did have one boy climb over the fence (the gate is locked when the baby is out) and I told him sorry, no one in the yard until 2 pm and sent him back.
Figuring out your family's rules in advance and being kind but firm makes for a happier relationship in the long run.
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Helen
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 6:30pm | IP Logged
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I had no more surprise visits from my neighbors after I explained to one of the children (during a surprise visit in which she brought up the topic) that the Pope was right when he said there will never be women priests.
I haven't seen them since.
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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 6:41pm | IP Logged
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Interesting tactic, Helen. I may try that. I'm sure if I spoke my mind on some of the things the child's mom is saying to me she would NEVER come back.
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Meredith
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 7:36pm | IP Logged
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Oh Helen, you're a girl after my own heart!!! Way to go!
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helene
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| Posted: April 29 2007 at 8:18pm | IP Logged
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Shawna, I would keep my distance and keep a watchful eye out for what kind of behaviors these children exhibit before forming any close bonds. If you like what you see you can always invite them as time and opportunity allow. It might be a good rule only to play outside with them once you know them and only in your own yard? Think defensively. These days you have to.
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ShawnaB
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| Posted: April 30 2007 at 11:26am | IP Logged
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Thank you, all...very good wisdom and encouragement there!
Annie, dh and I are also rather gregarious, and I appreciate the reminder that having a plan and some boundaries (for ourselves!) is appropriate. And also, to take our time and pray. I have been praying as soon as that house went on the market, so I have to trust that God brought these neighbors here! We hope to be a blessing to all our neighbors, and that requires wisdom for finding the balance of interacting in one another's lives, as well as giving space.
It was very helpful hearing how each of you has gone about relating to neighbors. Thanks again.
PS: Helen...you are very funny. When all else fails, you can always fall back on shock value!
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Need some wisdom here...new neighbors
