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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 12:01pm | IP Logged
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Help! My daughter just made friends with a little boy whose grandparents live across the street. He comes over and won't leave - he's perfectly nice and friendly - even homeschooled! But we have a busy schedule on our own with lessons and errands. I am not up to supervising another child. When his mom comes to pick him up, she stays and talks for an hour, right around dinner time.
The worst part is the child goes into all our bedrooms, even opening drawers and closets, which just drives me nuts. I'm a very private person - except online of course, where I'll share every little detail. 
The mom mentioned moving in with her parents for the summer - all I can see is our peaceful, relaxed school days flying out the window. The little boy was over not two minutes after we arrived home this morning.
Is this something I just have to deal with or is there a polite way to keep control over our schedule without hurting any feelings?
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Anne McD
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 12:14pm | IP Logged
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I'm not sure about the schedule part, but I understand about his going into all the rooms part. Whenever friends come over, I remind the kids, "oops, no playing upstairs-- you guys can play in these rooms." I guess just gently instructing him that there are limits to where he can go.
Maybe when he just stops by you can tell him that the kids can't play right then, but would love to around a certain time. If its always the same time, maybe that could give him some limits?
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and baby on the way! 10/14
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Maryan
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 12:19pm | IP Logged
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Hmmm... here's somethings that we do:
We have a rule in our house that we do not play in bedrooms (and we don't have toys there). When we visit others, I let them know that we won't be able to play upstairs cuz this is our rule.
Then.. can you just explain your routine and set up a no visiting during "school hours," "quiet time" and/or dinner time??
Perhaps you could set up a time to play (like a "recess" in the morning and an afternoon playtime when he is free to play or..
even set days when he's free to come play?
Before I homeschooled and I lived next door to someone who did - we worked out that we would play right after lunch for a short time and then it was naptime... no more visiting.
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Maryan
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Tami
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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Oohhh, I've been there.....
Jennifer, you can be polite (not saying that you wouldn't be, I just know that for me I have to be careful not to come off 'sharp' with my tone-of-voice) in doing this, it's really about setting good boundaries, for him (and his mom) and your family. And with going through your closets and drawers, he sounds like he needs some help in this area. 
I've had neighbor situations like this, and I have had to be clear but polite - "We're not available to play, but I'll send the kids over to get you when they are free." Or, "When you see my children outside, then you'll know they are free to play with you." That leaves you in control of your time.
Somewhere in a household organizing book, I think it was Denise Schoefield (sp?) talked about this. She was coming from the perspective of summertime, and wanting her children to complete their chores and maybe have a snack before playing with kids in the neighborhood. Her solution was to make a bee out of construction paper with a note that read "We're busy as bees, come back later, if you please." She hung this on her front door when her chidren were not allowed to play.
She made a point of explaining the sign to the neighborhood children - if the bee was on the door, they were not to knock (even the non-readers could know when it was okay to knock!).
And I'd address the private areas of the house directly with the child when he does it. If there's repeat offenses, then he simply doesn't come in.
I have some more thoughts on this, but I'll stop here and wait for the others to chime in. Let me know if you'd like me to share more. 
You'll do a good job with this, I'm sure!
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Tami
When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. (Nouwen)
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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 3:09pm | IP Logged
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Y'all are full of great ideas and great points! This is a first for us. Most of our neighbors are too busy to be always over, so this is a new situation. I don't mean to be rude - I am pleased that she is making friends. This is just all happening on a week when I am behind on housework and lessons already, throw in an extra few hours of babysitting and I am not getting my stuff done. 
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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 27 2007 at 3:13pm | IP Logged
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OK seriously!!! He is peeking in our front windows right now. This is ridiculous!
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Angel
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 8:37am | IP Logged
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When we lived in a suburban neighborhood, we had the same situation. There was one particular girl who must have watched out house every single minute of the day, and her mother would often leave me to watch her. (This was when she was kindergarten age and younger, too.)
Probably the one saving grace in that neighborhood was that all the moms seemed to have the same rule: NO PLAYING INSIDE. So at least our homes were safe! If one of the other kids came knocking on the door to ask my kids to play, it meant playing outside. So if they were taking quiet time, we were having lunch, or if we were in the middle of something, I could say, "No, not right now, they can come out after they're done," or whatever.
But even then, it can be tough. I always had to end play sessions with this particular girl because they had NO routines at her house. So I would always be the one to send her home.
Even with those rules, it got pretty old. Especially considering the way this kid often behaved. 
--Angela
Three Plus Two
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missionfamily
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 9:02am | IP Logged
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So glad this thread came up. I was going to post a similar question about our next-door neighbor. We finally set some boundaries about asking permission before you take things from the fridge and kitchen and knocking before you ener, and about what rooms they can play in, however now that I am on bedrest, she very duifully follows the rules by enering my bedroom without knocking a perring over the bed to ask if she cn have an orange or some lemonade!
Colleen
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Lorri
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 9:05am | IP Logged
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Can you talk to the grandma? Just drop by, introduce yourself and say something like,"We're glad to have little Johnny as a playmate, but sometimes he comes over when we're busy with school and chores. My children are usually free to play at X time. I just hate to hurt his feelings by having to say 'no' all the time! But in general X o'clock is good."
If he shows up at other times, just be kind but firm with a "I'm sorry, they can't play right now." Also be kind but firm with telling him to stay out of rooms or he'll have to go home. Also, no peeking into windows.
As for the mom, if she keeps chatting, just keep doing whatever work you need to do. You can just say, "I've got so much laundry to do, you won't mind if I keep working?"
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Martha
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 9:14am | IP Logged
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My perspective is so different...
We just moved from a neighborhood where my kids couldn't play outside, for general safety reasons (fast cars, sex offenders, construction...) and the neighborhood kids were more like neighborhood hooligans (11 yr olds brought home by police).
Now, we have nicer neighbors all over the place and they all meet at MY house on the corner. The elementery bus stop is at the drive way. The middle school bus is at the end of my front doors walk up. These kids get off the bus and don't even go home, they ring the door bell and dump their backpacks on the porch. We do have a very persistant 5 yr old across the street that will peep into our windows with his little cousins saying, "Can you play now? Can you play now? Can you play now? Can you play now??" like that Sprint commercial. Until I come to the window and tell him, "Take your people home Moses!" (His real name)
Now this is mildly annoying at times, but honestly I'm so thrilled to be in a nice neighborhood where kids can play that I can't help but be happy about it.
We are trying to figure out boundaries here too though. I WANT my house to be the house where all the kids come, but I'm a very private person too. (The going through drawers/closets thing has happened to me too and gave me the willies!) For those of you that don't allow bedroom access - where do the children play? Esp. older children? Most days I just send them outside, but what about bad weather days or when it gets triple digit hot outside?
Also, how do those with older children handle opposite sex friends? This is really the first time my older 2 sons have been around so many girls their age (11/12/13) that want to be friends. Many of them have younger sisters that my younger dd plays with too. (She is blissful about this since Bridget is not much female companionship yet.)
Already we've had one incidence of "talking". An almost 12 yr old girl and my son were discussing what they did in school that day and she started talking about their "health" classes, a.k.a. sex ed. I nipped it pretty quick, but figure this is something I need to expect from here on out.
I really want all my children's friends to feel comfortable in my home and strongly encourage them to come over. I just need help with boundaries that don't discourage that, but don't trash my home or undermine me with the kids. I was never allowed to have friends over growing up and this is the first time we've lived somewhere like this, so it's all new to me.
Thanks for starting this thread, Jennifer! It's perfect timing for me too!
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J.Anne
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| Posted: April 28 2007 at 9:25am | IP Logged
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This has been so helpful to me. Thank you everyone. Martha, yes. The opposite sex thing is part of the problem. He is also a few years older than my precious daughter and used some crude language around her.
But like you said, I am pleased that she is making normal friends and has someone to play with.
And everyone who has managed this situation before, I am so appreicative of you sharing your experience. I thought I was a little nutty. My husband dismissed that last night telling me that he knew we were going to run into some problems.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Nosy Neighbors
