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Jordan
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| Posted: March 15 2007 at 5:56am | IP Logged
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How do you support your husband’s career and other outside interests and still maintain a healthy balance with family time?
My dh is in the military and his current position has been very demanding on our whole family. He is gone in the mornings before sunrise and usually isn’t home until we’re halfway through dinner or even later. At least two nights a week he doesn’t come home until after the children are in bed. He’s also working part-time online on his master’s and this has taken his home time away from us even more because he’s stuck writing papers on the computer for hours on the weekends and it eats into his evenings at home after the kids are in bed. The long hours make him tired so when he does sit to relax he just falls asleep wherever he is and ends up sleeping late on Saturdays too. It’s been hard and none of this even takes into account the difficult separations that military families must endure.
It’s hard because his job is so demanding but so are the demands of parenting our two very young children (4 yo and 22 mo) and being a supportive spouse. His schedule has been so hard on him than my needs are barely worth mentioning anymore. He wants time to relax and time spent with the children isn’t the kind of free time he’s really wanting. He’s talking about intramural sports like soccer and cross country and he keeps talking about how long it’s been since he’s played golf. In the past I have discouraged him from doing these outside activities because I want him home, but I worry he will resent me for it. I want us to do more as a family and I want him to engage the children. When he has the time, he is good about helping with meals, dishes, folding laundry, getting the kids to bed, and he also does all of our yard work and car maintenance. But what I REALLY want, more than I want the grass cut, is for him to roll around on the floor with our children and to give them his undivided attention--to be playful and affectionate with them--and I want it OFTEN. Dealing with the children takes patience and creativity and he doesn’t have any of this after work. He’d rather do the dishes while I take care of the children because he doesn’t have to think to wash dishes.
I’m trying to figure out how I can be sensitive to the high demands and stresses of his job while still holding him accountable to taking care of his family’s needs, which do not go away just because he has other responsibilities too. I also want to say that dh is a great guy--he loves me and he loves our kids very much and he does enjoy spending time as a family. We’re just in the position where his job is demanding so much, and being a guy who needs a lot of sleep to function well and likes to have his own free time too, there’s just not much left for the family. I am feeling lonely and my dd 4 doesn’t even ask anymore about her daddy when he’s not home for dinner or even bedtime. My love language is quality time so I suppose this bothers me more than it might bother the next person, including my husband.
I’m hoping some of you might have some wisdom about how I can support dh in our present situation. I don’t want to be selfish but I don't want to ask too little of him either. It’s hard to know what's best. Thank you in advance for any replies.
Jordan
P.S. I read this to my dh before posting and he’s fine with me asking this.
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guitarnan
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| Posted: March 15 2007 at 7:04am | IP Logged
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Jordan,
You have my prayers and empathy...my dh is military, too, and sometimes he falls asleep at the dinner table! We've gone through the masters degree thing, too (twice), and I can really relate to your concerns.
The first time I hit this particular brick wall, my dh had a stressful, seagoing job and the boss from you-know-where. I got very, very frustrated with the late hours (I had a young son and was pregnant). Finally one day I woke up and realized that I just had to make home pleasant for my dh, regardless of cost to me, so that he had ONE part of his life he actually liked. We're in that situation again now and will be here for another 2 years or so, I think. (You know it's bad when your dh volunteers to go to Iraq...FIVE times.)
So, what do I do? Well, I do give my husband time to pursue his interests, even if they take time away from the family, because these interests give him life and make him feel like he has some control over his existence. It's hard for me to remember, sometimes, that the military really owns my dh. They tell him where to work, when to go to the doctor and dentist, how much he can weigh, everything. Even when he was in command of an entire Navy installation, the military owned him. He needs something to own for himself.
The whole quality time thing is a big issue in most military families I know. It sounds from your post as though your dh loves sports and being outdoors. Perhaps you could talk with him about activities he'd like to do that you and the children could share in some way (especially your four-year-old). Could you go for walks? Take up Volksmarching? Take father-daughter golf lessons?
Another easy way to share time with young children is to read to them...you don't have to make up the stories...sometimes you do end up reading "Go Dog, Go" 2000 times, but you're with your children (cuddled up, hopefully) and the reading really benefits them.
It also sounds like you and your dh could use a little adult time together. It's OK to get a sitter once in a while and be grownups. I know when my children were younger I felt very guilty doing this, but it's something I should have done a bit more often, I think, looking back. We take more time for ourselves now, just so we can talk without endless interruptions...sometimes we're both so tired it's just enough to be in the same place together. 
I'll think some more about this. It's important for you to know that your feelings are normal - military life is a series of ups and downs as far as family time goes. Some tours are stressful, others less so. The masters degree program will end (really!) and you'll move on to another place. Homeschooling really, really helped us match our schedule to my husband's work hours (OK...my kids stay up late and sleep in...but they get more Daddy time that way...I realize my approach isn't everyone's cup of tea, though!).
Prayers headed Heavenward for you!
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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mellyrose
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| Posted: March 15 2007 at 6:56pm | IP Logged
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I can definitely feel for you :) DH has a demanding job hours-wise, but less demanding than a couple years ago when he was working 7 days a week, with 4 of those days leaving around 7AM and coming home around 11PM. I felt that we never had any time at all (well, because we didn't!)
One thing that I finally insisted on was a dedicated 3 hour stretch where he had to do whatever was necessary to make happen. He had to be home on Friday nights for dinner and a family movie and bedtime. Now, it didnt' always work, but it was something that was on the calendar, and just as important as any business appointment. The boys looked forward to it, and it was something I looked forward to as well. I also insisted on Sunday night dinnertime as a family.
One of the reasons we've chosen to homeschool is so that our boys can be available to spend time with him when he has the time. He now works Tues - Sat, with Sun & Monday off. His hours are still erratic (often not home until 9 or 10PM), though, so if the boys were in traditional school, they'd only have Sundays to spend time with him. Also, he sometimes has a block of time free in the middle of the day, when he can come home or we can meet him out somewhere. I can't imagine losing that!
It sounds like this won't go on forever for you (he'll finish his degree someday!) but it's working through the "right now" that is difficult. I know it's also important that my DH has the time to spend some time with his friends, or sports, or the gym, or whatever. It was especially hard to let him go during that time when he was working so many hours, but I made the effort. Sometimes less successfully than others . . . but I think the effort has to be made. We talked about it and tried to come up with solutions that worked for our family as a whole -- and that meant we all compromised.
You're in my prayers. I know how hard it is and I hope you can find a way to make it easier for all of you!!
Melanie
Mom to Colin(6), Nate(4) and baby girl on the way!
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knowloveserve
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| Posted: March 15 2007 at 8:11pm | IP Logged
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Jordan, I'm in the exact same situation. You could have posted my own thoughts about a month ago. Two things have helped. My husand read a(and he NEVER reads) phenomenal little book.
It's changed him. He's still beat at the end of the day, but it's helped a lot for him to see the dignity and value in HIS vocation as a father. He said we're going to buy 20 copies and give it to every father we know.
Secondly, I'm reading a lifechanging book and I read A LOT of really outstanding books. But this single book is seriously changing the way I see the world and my trials and it's revolutionizing my spirituality, especially with struggles I've had in the home.
__________________
Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 15 2007 at 9:49pm | IP Logged
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Others have address some of this really well.. but as far as the sports type stuff.. DO IT WITH HIM.. as much as you can find things that he likes and learn to like it too (or meet halfway on something) Like get some good backpacking kid carriers (kelty has some) and go for hikes together.. it gets him out and active (which may be one way he can deal with stress and relax) but keeps it family time. But if he insists on playing soccer for instance.. go with him.. teach the littles about what's going on.. have a cheer section for daddy.
sports is very much NOT my thing.. I didn't mind playing the games but I was never interested in them as a *sport*.. but.. I'm learning.. we encourage the kids in things dh likes to do.. soccer.. and now lacrosse.. and I've had to go online and look up tutorials in how to play soccer to help my kids when they ask because daddy is still working heavy hours in fire season.. but I do that.. and I cart the kids around when he can't be here.. so that when he IS here he can be involved with it.. and then I'm still mostly chasing the little ones on my own because he's wrapped up in the game (he also gets to play lacrosse not just watch the kids play)
But we also do these things as much as a family as we can.. obviously there's different levels.. but we all go to soccer and we all go to lacrosse and we all go to swimming practise and lessons and meets. And we go camping and we go hiking.. and when dh mentions things like real backpacking.. I suggest having a base camp and doing day hikes from there until the kids are bigger.. and then we can still have a base camp for me and the littles and he can take the older ones out over night.. or we can all do a SHORT hike and camp.. helping him lower his expectations to include everyone with the idea of preparing us to do the actual backpacking.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Jordan
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| Posted: March 16 2007 at 4:47pm | IP Logged
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Thanks to all of you for your great ideas. I will reread what you've written as dh and I discuss ways to manage through this time. I do hope it's temporary but I'm also not silly enough to believe it will never be this way again. As Nancy mentioned, life will bring its ups and downs.
Ellie, I looked at those books you recommended and added them both to my shopping cart. I'm glad they were so helpful to you. Thank you for the recommendations.
Getting out for frequent outdoor activites together would be fun. We are fortunate now to live in a beautiful area so taking family walks is great.
I think an area that we can control that would make a big difference is just how we spend time together at home. Will we spend time when the children are awake reading to and playing with them or will we be in separate rooms pursuing separate interests? I think it would be really good for everyone if he would read to the kids when he's feeling wiped out instead of retreating elsewhere to relax. He could relax, the kids would get positive Daddy time, and I would get a little break and the joy of knowing my children and their father are having a good time together.
Thanks for your replies. 
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teachingmyown
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| Posted: March 16 2007 at 9:37pm | IP Logged
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I hope this doesn't come across badly, but parenting young children doesn't always come naturally to dads. This may be true of some moms, as well, I suppose. A lot of men just don't know what they are supposed to do with a 4 yr old and toddler. I think this can be especially true if the children are girls. A dad can love his little girls more than anything, but that doesn't mean that he knows how to relate to them.
Maybe your dh fits in this category. Perhaps you could discuss what you see as "quality time" between him and the children and find out how he feels about it.
Also, your children might actually "need" less from daddy than you think. I get frustrated, also, because my dh doesn't "do" much with the little girls(6,4,3 and baby). But in reality, they seem content if they can just get him to listen to a five minute accounting of their day, or get him to watch a little dance. He can spend the rest of the evening on his computer, and they don't feel neglected. He does have a laptop, so he is in the main areas with us. I am sure that makes a difference in contrast to him closing himself up in a room. Even if he can sit on the couch reading the paper while they watch Veggie Tales, the kids will feel his presence.
Another little thing your dh could do is to take the kids on errands with him, even if it is just one child at a time. My kids love a ride to the dump or Home Depot!
Sometimes I see dads that seem so hands-on and involved with the little ones and feel a tinge of jealousy. That is wrong of me. My dh is the dad that God gave my children and I need to trust in that. I think we can get caught in the trap of wanting our spouse to parent the way we do or the way we think he should.
I know it is really hard on you, though, and that is where you two need to pray together about how to work through it.
God bless you!
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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Topic: Family time vs. dh's demanding job
