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Rebecca
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 1:29pm | IP Logged
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Last weekend, I was talking with a friend about how we are always on the quest for the "right diet". Mind you, I don't mean a diet to lose weight but rather a healthy way of eating during pregnancy and beyond and of feeding one's family. The reality with me is that I have gone from vegetarian to vegan, lean meat eater to heavy fat(s) eater. At the moment, they all sounded right to me.
The pattern that upsets me is that much of my life is like this. I am on a neverending quest to do the right thing. This might sound admirable but it really is frustrating. I find myself rethinking what I do, not out of insecurity (I don't consider myself insecure) but rather out of constantly trying to find a better way. Whether it be home organization, discipline, scheduling, eating habits, vaccination, diapering, etc. I am forever on the quest.
Somehow, I do not believe that God intends for me to spend my life searching every available avenue on every possible topic to find the best way to do something.
My mother did things differently...whatever the doctor said, she did. Whatever the school said, she did. She did not think that she had a better way to do things. She would never have pulled kept me out of school or PSR, simply because she thought she could do a better job. Never would have told the doctor to opt out of the eye ointment or the MMR vaccine. She would have just complied.
Am I simply not obedient? Lacking in humility? Why am I like this?
I am a person who thrives on planning and researching and who fails miserably at implementation. This habit of mine actually encourages mediocrity and confusion in my home because when things change here my family gets very frustrated. "Wait, I thought my chore chart was the little cards on the hooks. Now there is a whiteboard!" or "Do I have to eat the meat? I thought meat was not good for me? Now you are saying it is important for my body to grow." etc. etc.  Blah. Blah. Blah.
Thank you for letting me ramble and share my thoughts.
Anyone have any insight into this? (Even criticism is fine  )
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 1:47pm | IP Logged
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No insight here, Rebecca. Just tons of empathy.
I can't wait to read other's sage responses!
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Noreen
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ALmom
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Rebecca:
No criticism - just identification. You just described me. I once said that life would be so much simpler if I just trusted more and worried less. If only God hadn't given me such a sharp mind - but then there I go questioning God's distribution of gifts.
I think that part of it is that God gave us certain minds and there have been times when that very ability has made a difference in my dc lives - like refusing to accept an incomplete diagnosis for a child and thus finding the root cause of problems and eliminating the problem rather than treating symptoms. But it always involves me going out on a limb - a very uncomfortable place to be. But it also has it's own set of temptations - never did any science for years becasue nothing was just quite right, etc. I am forever trying to make sure to keep my questioning tendencies in check and making sure that I am relying on God's guidance before acting instead of following my latest "insight". I need a lot of prayer for prudence in all things. It is a work in progress.
Janet
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Mary Chris
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I was talking to my mom the other day and she said how little information was available when we were children. She talked about how she tried to find out about infant development and there was so little out there, I suppose Dr. Spock was it. I just thought to myself how much information we have and how hard it is to wade through it all. Of course I am blown away by the information my sister has that I did not have 12 years ago, and I thought I had a lot.
I think we all do this, we want the best for our children.
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Blessings, Mary Chris Beardsley
mom to MacKenzie3/95, Carter 12/97 Ronan 3/00 and wife to Jim since 1/92
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Dawn
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 2:30pm | IP Logged
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Rebecca wrote:
| I am a person who thrives on planning and researching and who fails miserably at implementation. |
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This is me to a T, Rebecca. I have often wondered what my problem was ... I read, research, think, talk, plan and prepare and then, so often, too often, that's it. Screech. Apply brakes. Throw the carefully drawn map out the window and take a left turn down another street.
I think (fear) I hold back sometimes because often the final step, implementation, calls for energy and perserverance that maybe I don't have.  Sometimes I fear I am destined to be a planner and not so much a doer. 
I wish I could just let go and let God more often, KWIM?
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Dawn, mum to 3 boys 
By Sun and Candlelight
The Nature Corner
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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Dawn wrote:
I think (fear) I hold back sometimes because often the final step, implementation, calls for energy and perserverance that maybe I don't have. |
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This is really what has been hitting me like a ton of bricks lately. I know that my lack of perserverance is limiting me and my family in so many ways. I often think that my greatest spiritual struggle is it's opposite, sloth.
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Noreen
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Sarah
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 3:26pm | IP Logged
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Well ladies,
We must all have the same brain because I could have written Rebecca's post.
My mom did the same--followed the culture/doctor/books, etc.
I saw many of the mistakes these types of ladies made by not questioning. I was determined to do better.
Here I am, now, every week trying to figure out how to do this, to be better. I really don't know what I'm doing.
Sometimes my family laughs at me. I told my sister I was back to having bins for the kids' laundry. "I remember the bin era," she said, laughing.(meaning what I had done a couple years ago when I had tried it!).
"OH, but this is A NEW BIN IDEA!!" I replied.
I've thought a lot about this, Rebeccca. We as homeschooling mothers are different. We don't have much to go by as far as training. My college years did NOTHING to help me manage my home and homeschool!
My mom didn't do it. Her mother didn't do it, and her mother didn't do it (okay maybe the further back you go, someone did it, but it didn't help me any!)  The neighbors didn't do it. The only homeschoolers I had heard of when I was growing up were kids in the circus.
With each new thing I try, I'm filled with hope that I've figured it out.
I also think once you jumped out of the mainstream, its easy to go off the deepend. Many times I feel like I have more on my plate than I can handle. If I just had a manual. When you turn away from the popular culture, sometimes you don't know where to turn.
Everyone's using disposables, what's the right way to do cloth?
Vaccines are many now, which ones to I REALLY need? Are they morally okay?
Pestsides and junk in our food, now what do we eat?
Mother X has 10 kids, 5 of them are under age 4, and she has 2 sets of twins, and her husband travels. HER house looks great and her kids have matching socks. Why can't I get organized?
I think that's why I have found this Forum! Its our little community of ladies (and some men )that allow us to ask these questions. I think if you ask some of your questions here, there are some really on-the-ball ladies here and they may keep us more consistent.
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Six boys ages 16, 14, 11, 7, 5, 2 and one girl age 9
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esperanza
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 3:56pm | IP Logged
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Rebecca wrote:
Somehow, I do not believe that God intends for me to spend my life searching every available avenue on every possible topic to find the best way to do something.
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I can relate so much to your post. I began reading The Makers Diet today..in search of a healthier me...and family to follow. My dc sometimes poke fun and other times are confounded. Thank God I married a "DOER"...we can compliment each other in many ways!
Although I have relaxed more the past few years as I feel beat physically and emotionally...the questions I ponder are ..Have I given up or followed God's plan even though it was not mine? Is He working on me through my hearts desire and ideals and then detachment from these?
I like the analogy I heard once about "letting go and letting God"...The priest said that many people think of this as "a great struggle like climbing a mountain"...he said to think of it as "standing at the edge of a great abyss and jumping in"..but sometimes I could visualize a quick twist and grabbing on to the edge just to think it through one more time!
No criticism here, I think God made you that way and loves much about it....especially the way you care so deeply for your family. That being said, it is beautiful, also, to know and understand the temperaments better and have a charitable attitude towards others who strive for truth and love their families differently.
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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amyable
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 6:51pm | IP Logged
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Not much to add other than I, too, could have written this word for word. Sometimes it seems like my greatest strength and other times my worst fault!
The one thing I do when I feel myself spinning my wheels too much in this way is to disseminate some of the info to my dh, pray to God that He change dh's heart towards the "right answer", and then let dh make the decision.
I hope this turns into one of those humongously long threads with lots of great advice!
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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Cheryl
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 7:27pm | IP Logged
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I can really identify too. I don't think I've really gotten into the diet quest...... yet  ..but I've been on the homeschool planning, perfect booklist, best method quest for two years now. My main focus has been the organization and efficiency quests. I've been trying to assign a logical and convenient place for everything for almost eight years now. I think it started when I was pregnant for my first baby and declared that I was going to be "totally organized" before he was born. It never happened. In 3 weeks we'll be moving into a house that we designed with our lifestyle in mind, with more space than we need. It will be interesting to see if I'll be satisfied and get off this quest. Or am I too much of a perfectionist?
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Cheryl
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humanaevitae
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 7:39pm | IP Logged
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I feel very similar and struggle with the same issues. In my case some of it comes from perfectionism. My mind knows how I want life to flow...how a house should look...how children should behave...etc I keep looking for the magic bullet to acomplish it all. I think that I keep trying new systems because I am good at the planning part of it and that gives me hope and is good for my ego. However I'm terrible at implementation because of my lack of discipline and perserverance. This gets me down so I discover a "better" system instead of holding myself truly accountable.
I also make myself personally responsible for everything. I am terrible about sharing duties with my dh because I hover and don't think he puts enough "research" in before he makes a decision.  I am really trying to let somethings go. I tell myself that although the decision may seem important (finding the perfect math curriculum) other issues need my attention and effort more right now (bickering among the kids). Sometimes that means just settling for a not perfect math curriculum or allowing someone else to make the decision even if they don't go about it the way I would...this is hard for me but it does give me more time to "research" areas that are more important right now. I'm trying to choose areas that could impact eternity and our health/safety on earth.
I think it a case where a characteristic can be used for God's will but is also a source of temptation for the devil to use.
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Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
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lapazfarm
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WoW! Fantastic post! very thought provoking! I am also on a constant search for the "right way"-school, diet, faith, mothering, marriage. This can be good or bad. I think there is a balance that has to be achieved between perfectionism and complacency.
Believe it or not, as relaxed as our homeschool is, I plan ALOT. I overplan. But what has helped me to achieve balance is realizing that we will not actually do all the things I plan (or even most of them), and that I need to let that go with no regrets. We have to be able to look back and instead of seeing all that was left undone, be able to see all that we HAVE done and be satisfied.
Of course, we are human and easily fall into slothful ways, or get distracted, and could have done more. But really, no matter how much we do, there is ALWAYS more. We can never do it all.
Happily, God doesn't ask us to be perfect, but to be always "growing in perfection." And that is what we are doing. This is why we visit this board-to seek support and to support others in our growth towards perfection.
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us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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Rebecca
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| Posted: May 11 2006 at 11:01pm | IP Logged
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lapazfarm wrote:
I think there is a balance that has to be achieved between perfectionism and complacency.
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That's it. This fine line is so blurry to me. I find myself bouncing back and forth between the two.
So, for those who are like minded, how do we combat the perfectionism? Is it keeping us from accepting and acknowledging the grace that God bestows upon us? Is it pride?
I know that I have perfectionistic tendencies although, these days, with the work of the home and taking care of the children, I am what I call a "defeated perfectionist". This, to me, is someone who has perfectionistic tendencies but because they can never meet up to their ridiculous standards, does nothing rather than a little bit, gives up rather than perservering. The perfectionism is still there, not cured, but rather than being a driving force, it is a disabling force.
A few people mentioned sloth. Please elaborate on this a bit more if you can.
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 5:06am | IP Logged
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Well, since I'm the friend with whom Rebecca had the conversation last weekend, I guess my hat's in this ring too . I strongly identify with what Nicole wrote here:
humanaevitae wrote:
I feel very similar and struggle with the same issues. In my case some of it comes from perfectionism. My mind knows how I want life to flow...how a house should look...how children should behave...etc I keep looking for the magic bullet to acomplish it all. ...
I also make myself personally responsible for everything. I am terrible about sharing duties with my dh because I hover and don't think he puts enough "research" in before he makes a decision. I am really trying to let somethings go. I tell myself that although the decision may seem important (finding the perfect math curriculum) other issues need my attention and effort more right now (bickering among the kids). Sometimes that means just settling for a not perfect math curriculum or allowing someone else to make the decision even if they don't go about it the way I would...this is hard for me but it does give me more time to "research" areas that are more important right now. I'm trying to choose areas that could impact eternity and our health/safety on earth.
I think it a case where a characteristic can be used for God's will but is also a source of temptation for the devil to use. |
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I don't have a problem with sloth or a failure to implement but I constantly fight with the illusion that I have more control than I actually do. I also wrestle with genuinely wanting to share things that work-- because I'm excited about them, because I believe in them, because I want other people to have them and see the good -- and having that be misconstrued.
For me, the pressure on myself to perfect things (diet, education philosophy, home organization) nearly paralyzed me. It was a long road to somewhere new, where I could just accept myself as myself and ask God to do the real work. Not that I give up trying (and researching ), but that I can see this as a bigger picture. The last three years have been extraordinarily difficult in this regard, but I do see how far I've come in letting go of unreasonable expectations in myself and in other people.
There is no perfect math curriculum. There is no perfect published diet (though I do wish I could get a better grip on that). I've seen the wreckage that perfectionism can cause in my life and in the lives of some people very close to me. And I've come to really appreciate what happens when we settle for "good enough" and trust God to sprinkle grace in the inadequacies.
There are positives to this personality trait. We're all here. Our quests have brought us to a place in our family lives that is very different from the mainstream of complacency and we've found it's very fruitful. When I do compare to the average way of doing things, I acknowledge that I haven't perfected this way but I also see how very rich our lifestyle is.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Natalia
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Rebecca wrote:
| Somehow, I do not believe that God intends for me to spend my life searching every available avenue on every possible topic to find the best way to do something. |
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I think you are right. I don't think we are expected to find the BEST way to do things. I think we are called to find a BETTTER way when things are not working. When I read this paragraph I thought of how we will spend all our lives trying to achieve holiness. Maybe that is where our efforts should be. That should be our gauge.
I am not a perfectionist but I get taken by ideas. The internet has been both a blessing and a curse for me. When I think I have found something that works for me, in whatever area, then something else comes along. Something I have never thought about, something that I have never known existed. And then I get this urge to change what I am doing.
Before I change though, I have trained myself to ask some questions:
How long have I been doing X? Have I seen any benefits? has it been long enough to see benefits? Is it working? If is not, why? is it time to change? Would this new thing solve address the problems I have with X? and Is it going to cost a lot to make the change? Is it worth the expense?
I am a a very impatient person. So sometimes my desire to change comes from wanting to achieve quick results.
I think another thing that makes me want to change approaches is comparing myself, or my family, to others. When I compare I usually find myself, or my family, wanting and then I want to try what has worked for others. Like somebody said (Elizabeth I believe) I have had to learn (still learning) to be content with who I am and how my family is.
When I do change approaches, I have observed that I always keep something from whatever is that I was doing. That part becomes part of me, of my way of doing things. I haven't wasted my time because I got something that has become important.
I am thinking about homeschooling especifically. I started with SL. When I stopped I took with me having readers and read alouds and coordinating at least some of them with history. Then I tried TWTM. The idea I got from that was keeping notebooks and studying history in four year cycles. Now we are trying CM (Mater Amabilis) but the ideas I have learned from the other two approaches have stayed with me and have enriched our experiences and become part of us. I can say the same for Flylady, Motivated Moms, MROL, Large Family Logistics etc. I am an eclectic by nature, I guess.
For me the key is balance. I need to be flexible enough to change when change is needed and perseverant enough to stick to things that are working until we see some results.
Natalia
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Cheryl
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 10:24am | IP Logged
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Natalia wrote:
| For me the key is balance. |
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We have this poster hanging in our family room.
poster
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Cheryl
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Mom to Matthew 13, Joseph 11, Sarah 10, Rachel 6, Hannah almost 4 and Mary 1
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Natalia
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Cheryl wrote:
| We have this poster hanging in our family room. |
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That is just too funny
Natalia
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ALmom
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One thing that has helped me a lot has been Praying more (which I'm sure you ladies already do) and enlisting my dh. He keeps me from many crazy shifts and like Elizabeth said - accepting less than perfect while striving for better.
We finally decided that science in any form was better than what had happened thus far. We had to realize that certain things are impossible for us due to expense (all organic here is way above budget) and do what we can. However, refusing to buy so many things (because of additives, fats, etc. )ended up worse than simply doing more mainstream but trying to keep variety while focusing on one small step at a time. When I was too perfectionist, we didn't have hardly anything in the house to cook, and I didn't know what to do and we ended up with panic meals just to have something to eat. Relaxing with the less than perfect, we actually eat healthier while we can still strive to improve one little thing at a time.
I think someone hit on my area of difficulty that goes along with my perfectionist personality - impatience. My dh is the perfect counter to that - he is infinite patience personified so we kind of balance each other when we are prudent enough to take time to consult and decide together in prayer. When I race ahead of dh, we usually both end up stressed about different things - me not having the support I need for the latest schooling plan (or whatever) and him with the finances because I'm spending on so many different books to go with the latest change in approach. This past year, we settled on what we were doing to see it through, for the most part, for the full year - much of this dictated by finances. We actually have accomplished more - but in observing the whole year dh has pointed out areas for improvement - things I've wanted to do deep down.
It was hard for me not to try and change a bunch midstream because I really thought deep down that there was a better way - but dh really felt financial stress and I had to try not to spend on a bunch of books. Looking back, in the past, I was running ahead before dh had time to ponder and so he could never give an opinion becasue he didn't have the time he needed to form one - and just trusted me since I was doing the teaching and only said something when I was going over-budget. The difference is that now dh has had time to think about what he sees, he actually sees the need and he is planning for the budget realizing that it will cost more to do it this way short term, but in the long run be more cost-efficient and better. I wasn't really thinking through this aspect - assuming that dh thinks like I do and would immediately jump in and say something if finances were a problem. (But he doesn't think like I do - he has to have plenty of time to really ponder everything from every angle before deciding). When I was jumping from fad to fad, we never were with something long enough for dh to make those necessary assessments and give me the guidance I so crave. Now that he has had the time to ponder, I am finding so much relief (not just because we are both wanting the same kind of education for dc, but because I suddenly have the leadership from him that I really wanted. I'm a great idea person - but it's hard for me to decide and be confident in that decision. Now that dh has thought it all the way through, it is so different and so much more achievable. This happened with homebirth too. Once he had looked everything over - he made the decision and we never looked back or regretted it. I attempted to do unschooling/real learning when we first started homeschooling and it didn't work for us - somewhat because of the timing and dynamics at the time. But I really think it had more to do with my impatience to have the perfect school right now - and dh not having time to formulate his own opinion of how we should proceed which left me insecure with what we were doing.
It is like trying to grow in virtue. I had someone finally point out to me that you cannot do everything at once but pick one small thing at a time to work on. Trying to tackle all at once meant getting nowhere - one thing at a time meant that and so much more falls into place. Someone else mentioned how our dh should be as spiritual directors for us - this is really true. I just took a long time to see it.
I also like to think (pretend) I'm in control. Having a high schooler has helped shed that illusion. She's a great kid, but has really helped me grow in the area - picking interests that I knew nothing about, beginning a path that would never have occured to me when we were dreaming of her future in her elementary ages.
I'm finding answers when I share my ideas with dh, but then submit to his preferences. He usually puts a lot more thought into it - and listens more to my gut instinct when I express myself but listen to his wisdom, even when it doesn't match my desires. Perfectionism is an expression of pride - and humility is the counter virtue.
I must say it is an ongoing effort - and we are nowhere near the end of the journey, but it is nice to see things coming together better this way.
Janet
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cvbmom
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Wow! I read this thread with interest, as I no longer feel alone in my quirks. Reading other posts, I think - oops, I do that too! I love the planning and researching. I love finding the "deal" or whatever. I am a curriculum junkie, always looking for better and better. (Odd, this is the same quality that I get on my dh about in regards to electronics - we don't NEED any more options, dear, really, I'm satisfied with what we have. How fast does our computer really need to be? ... If I could only live out my own advice )
As others have mentioned for themselves, I don't follow through well with my plans either. Either I don't do anything at all such as with MROL - great schedule, but totally unrealistic in my house with so many unknowns and unplannables springing up. I became a grumpy slave to the schedule, that is NOT what our family needed. Or, if I do do something, I try to do it all (sure, let's do CHC 2nd grade FHC prep, and let's add the Seton book on that - it's so thorough - and maybe a lapbook too, don't forget read-alouds - maybe a Blessed Imelda project of some sort, and King of the Golden City, we can't miss out on that...the list goes on until I feel totally overwhelmed and end up doing about a small fraction of that, which is what dc really needed anyhow. Purely by God's grace do the children receive what they need. The other resources go unused and sit on the shelf with my wishful thinking that "one day" one of the kids will want to use it. All the wonderful, beautiful, Godly, things that I think would be great for the dc, are fine and good, but if dc don't like them, learn from them, or even use them, it really is a waste of time and money (no matter how good it looks to me).
So what is my point? I guess it is that I am learning. I already look "back" on this and laugh, maybe in a few years I'll look back and roll on the floor laughing at my craziness of attempting to figure out homeschooling, my faith, my family, my life. I want let go and trust dh more with these decisions - but I just hate having him say no, financially or otherwise, to whatever "new" discovery I have made (pride!), but he can keep me grounded, which is what I need. He gives me respect and trust from his side to make good decisions for our homeschool saying that he doesn't need to research and OK every choice I make, but along with this I should give him that respect back by asking his opinion before I change something or when I am between two equally valid choices (rather than just buying both and praying it fits in the budget . I am not in this alone. Really, no more spur of the moment internet purchases. Check with dh first - a good goal. Thank God for his patience in all of this. (Thanks to Janet for that reminder about dh's role).
I'm learning, and I appreciate you all here challenging me. These boards are a blessing (OK, and a curse too as you all tell me what wonderful products there are out there  ). Balance, right?
God bless,
Christine
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Rebecca
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Joined: Dec 30 2005
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1898
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| Posted: May 12 2006 at 4:55pm | IP Logged
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Cheryl wrote:
We have this poster hanging in our family room.
poster |
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This is the one I have in my family room...
Ineptitude
Just kidding but they really do make me laugh. They are spoofs on the "Successories" posters. I peruse them when I need to giggle.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: The Unending Quest
