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Booksnbabes
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missionfamily wrote:
| And has anyone read this one? I may try to get my hands on a cheap copy of it. |
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Found it here. Not cheap cheap, but not too expensive if you can't find a used one. 
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Matilda
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How could I have missed TWO such amazing threads????
Anyway, now that I have gotten caught up on both, I can't tell you how this conversation has me thinking! The suggestions are wonderful, the confessions are a welcome relief! I am not an eye roller, I have drill sergeant tendencies but my biggest problem is speaking with a tone of frustration to my voice! When I stop and listen to myself, I sound annoyed over every little thing. Any thoughts on how to address this problem specifically?
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Elizabeth
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Fr. Hardon on Gentleness
nak
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Mackfam
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Matilda wrote:
How could I have missed TWO such amazing threads????
Anyway, now that I have gotten caught up on both, I can't tell you how this conversation has me thinking! The suggestions are wonderful, the confessions are a welcome relief! I am not an eye roller, I have drill sergeant tendencies but my biggest problem is speaking with a tone of frustration to my voice! When I stop and listen to myself, I sound annoyed over every little thing. Any thoughts on how to address this problem specifically?
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I'm soooo glad you found the conversations, Charlotte!
I have the same challenge - the frustrated mommy syndrome...otherwise known as the, "you're always interrupting what I'm trying to do and now what do you want/need?" mommy. It is a hard habit to break the great *sigh* of frustration and the subsequent annoyed sounding tone. For me, it is all about the *sigh*. I need it. It's like shifting gears. It could be that I've spent all day doing, serving, trying to be joyful, cheerful, gentle. I have finally carved a few minutes to sit down with a book I've been longing to pick up and not 5 minutes in comes....interruption.
Pray
It has helped me greatly in making an examination of conscience in the evenings to ask Our Lord to help me see that interruptions that frustrate me are actually opportunities to serve Him again. I also ask God to help me find time (and make that time a priority) to nurture my relationship with Him - whether through reading, praying, exercising this temple of the Holy Spirit. I do want to be available...I don't want to overextend. Does that make sense?
Breathe and Posture
It's that sigh I was talking about earlier...the one that usually ends in shoulders down, wrinkled brow, grimmaced expression. That sigh lasts long enough for me to catch myself and turn my disposition around. If it doesn't, I continue to breathe only I make a deep inhale. As I breathe, I sit up straighter, put my shoulders back, lighten my eyes, turn towards the person and...
Smile
A smile lifts my spirits and lets the person know that you sincerely enjoy their presence. It is relationship nurturing. My huff of frustration says, "Go away."
I try to listen quietly to the need, or perhaps someone just wanted to ask permission to go outside or do something and I can quickly give it and return to my book or my focus.
Does this help at all, Charlotte? I started by recognizing the habit of frustration in tone, then making a conscious effort to replace actions that were not consistent with gentility with actions that were. Exterior actions are a visible representation of interior dispositions - the two work hand in hand.
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Mackfam
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I'm just coming back to say...after thinking about my post I don't think it answers your question really, Charlotte. I'm sorry. I think it's more a reflection of my own struggles with how I view and react to what I perceive as an interruption in my day and my own struggles with a frustrated tone. This is a big part of my own striving towards virtue and gentleness in particular.
Any expression of gentleness is the antithesis of anger and frustration. So, in general I try to examine myself frequently - daily - to identify where I am consistently expressing anger and frustration instead of offering a soothing expression of love and service. In building this virtue, I try to identify challenges or behaviors that aren't consistent with a gentle spirit - behaviors you would never see Our Lady offering her Son in their home. I've been looking to the behavior, then looking for triggers of that behavior and trying to break down every step of my less than gentle responses and behaviors. I take it to prayer and try to make an offering of it in humility, and then I seek gentler, softer behaviors and words to replace the brusque manners. It is a journey in yet another virtue...fortitude.
I'm hoping others will be able to offer more insight here with some specifics in speaking with a tone of frustration for you Charlotte. Sorry I took us off track with my own struggles for a moment.
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Jen Mackintosh
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This is a jewel! I'm so glad you linked it here!
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Jen Mackintosh
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Matilda
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I think you were right on target with everything you said! There is so much here to think about. I haven't clicked on the Fr. Hardon link, but I will later on. Thank you again and I can't wait to discuss this more!
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missionfamily
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I think I learned today too that really prioritizing a few tasks and making sure those are done in a spirit of gentleness and joy make sit much more possible to do this in grace. If I overload my expectations then I tend to feel the children are in the way of all I need to do.
But today I was really trying to get Friday afternoon mass back into our routine. During my prayer time this morning I realized that in order to accomplish that most important task in gentleness and joy, the rest of my expectations needed to be minimal. I decided math and a pick-up of the den were the only other to-dos for that day...and even those were less important than getting all five kids through Mass with a smile on my face. Every time I felt myself starting to tense this morning that we weren't going to get through math and den before we had to leave, I'd pull back some.."okay, you can keep building legos and we'll call that math...okay, I'll stop folding clothes and help you in the den instead of fussing from the laundry area."
It really made a difference to have one big priority. And we had a lovely Mass and afternoon picnic to show for it. And I realized how my demeanor in Mass affected the way people see my kids. I smiled and corrected gently and kissed and loved...and all the old ladies cooed and smiled and commented how lovely they were...I don't get that reaction when I'm flustered and bothered all through Mass.
This is a hard challenge for me. I have over-achiever syndrome ingrained in my very being. But I think it is a big component letting today's grace last the day...there's not enough grace for four days worth of work in one day's prayers.
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Matilda wrote:
I have drill sergeant tendencies but my biggest problem is speaking with a tone of frustration to my voice! When I stop and listen to myself, I sound annoyed over every little thing. Any thoughts on how to address this problem specifically?
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Warning: These are purely pragmatic ideas / techniques / strategies. I'll leave the philosophical for others. 
1. Hmmmmmmmm
When you feel yourself start to lose it, getting a TONE or ready to be snippy .........say, "Hmmmmmm...." (like you're thinking) and then say what you were going to say.
"THIS LIVING ROOM IS NOT CLEANED UP!!!!" (in a frustrated, annoyed tone)
vs.
"Hmmmmm, this living room is not cleaned up!"
Saying "Hmmmmm......gives your brain a couple seconds to tone down, and even if your actual tone or words are not gentle, they SEEM GENTLER. Set a goal of saying "Hmmm" a certain number of times per day.
Starting to HUM, in general, when you feel yourself lose it, may be effective.....just like we moan, hum, or pant in childbirth....it's a stress-reducer. For some reason I always hum to the first three words of "We three kings". Those three notes can help me "take it down a notch". It's similar to counting, but I find counting annoying, and it takes too long.
2. Choppy vs. Flowing Sentences
"THIS. ROOM. IS. NOT. CLEANED. UP!!!"
vs.
"This room is not cleaned up!" (in a flowing more sing-songy-inflectious tone."
Now, this is NOT advocating everything to be sing-songy with a voice inflection at the end of every sentence ......that insinuates general indecision on your part and COULD be one of those things that makes it sound like you are ASKING your dc to comply with.....which I'm not a fan of. But, for those of us with the drill-sargeant-tendencies, this is usually NOT a problem.
3. Content vs. Tone (or both?)
Get the house to yourself. Go around the house and find things that happen throughout the day that would annoy you that you would vocalize, then write down WHAT you would say. Say it how you would say it. Then, say what you think would sound better. You can also write down what you actually say throughout the day.....but I find this harder and too stressful.
ie: in the kitchen.......
Example ONE;
"David, I thought I told you to put the milk away!"
Example TWO:
(snotty tone) "David, DO YOU NEED HELP PUTTING THE MILK AWAY?"
The first example is quite accusatory. So, the CONTENT is not good nor gentle.
In the second example, the content is fine, but the TONE is not gentle.
So, you have to figure out if it's your CONTENT or your TONE, or both.
A book that helps me with this and I refer to often is How to talk so your kids will listen, and listen so your kids will talk. . It gives lots of cartoons with real words and examples, which is helpful, I think.
Maybe focus on your words and/or tone for anywhere from 1-7 days and see where the "problem areas" are. Or just brainstorm examples. Make an effort to correct them one at a time.
4. Exasperated Sigh
Sometimes it's better to sigh, than to say words that you will regret later. So, not all exasperated sighs are bad.
But, when I find myself doing them on a regular basis, it's time to re-orient.
A friend of mine shared this with me. She told her kids and dh that she wanted to break this habit. She told them that every time she sighed/groaned/gritted teeth, they would just say "ug" as in "ugh" (how we would write it). That's all....just "ug". She knew what it meant. It was a funny word, not to be confused with any other. Simple, to the point, and non-accusatory. My mom does something similar with her college students when they use the word "LIKE" every other word....she pounds her desk gently with her fist. Very effective.
Again, not advocating children making fun of you, mocking you or demanding something of you.......just a simple explanation of "I'd like to stop doing this, and I'd like you to help remind me."
I've applied this to a few other things over the years......
**Asked dh to say "tone" whenever my tone gets snippy. My kids have been young enough that they don't realize what's going on. Nothing else. Just that word. And, b/c he's so wonderful, if we're looking at each other when he says it, he winks. Of course, that melts my heart and I don't care if someone left the worm bin open and the toddler is digging in worm feces. 
**DH sings the word "slow" to the tune of Mary-had-a-little-lamb whenever I start hurrying, rushing, being a whirling-dervish. (more on "rushing" as it relates to GENTLENESS in another post. )
Exam-Conscience
When working on ONE OF THESE THINGS AT A TIME, make an effort to review yourself every night in regard to THIS PARTICULAR thing. And, if it's the ONLY thing that's included in an Exam-Conscience....That's fine. Sometimes my brain is so lame, that it's ALL I can muster. Better than nothing, I suppose. Get specific.....I am going to HUM when I get annoyed at least 4 times every day for the next week. Stupid, I know. But, maybe it'll work.
OK, I've gone on long enough......sorry.
Hitting POST REPLY now, and hoping y'all don't think I'm a lunatic.
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Adele Anirudhan
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At confession one day, Father Florian advised me to simply ask God to help me love Jesus the way His mother did. This was his advice in answer to all my imperfections the most glaring one being my lack of gentleness.
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Elizabeth
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Suzanne,
I think you're a genius. 
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Sarah M
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SuzanneG wrote:
| It's similar to counting, but I find counting annoying, and it takes too long. |
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You *are* a pure choleric, aren't you? 
Thank you so much for your ideas, Suzanne. I'm printing out this entry, too.... goodness, you are more helpful than you know!
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missionfamily wrote:
And has anyone read this one? I may try to get my hands on a cheap copy of it. |
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Colleen
Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit absolutely revolutionized my parenting (and my dear friend's) after that book, I was far gentler and was able to get a handle on that feeling of being out of control. Very practical, gets you thinking and addressing the issues that are stopping you from having a Meek and Quiet Spirit.
Growing up my mum always reminded me, "Is that how Our Lady would behave?" I can guarantee Our Blessed Mother wouldn't screech like I do occasionally. 
[Mackfam]And, I'm trying to instill the habit in both myself and my children that when we need someone, we go to them. For myself, that means I don't yell out someone's name...I go to them, ask them to do something for me and make eye contact so that I know that they heard, understand and are doing what I asked.[/QUOTE]
Jennifer
A practical question; I have a 15yr old whom I am standing right next to and saying her name, she is sitting there reading and I whilst I know she is engrossed she doesn't answer until I either yell on the third round, or I say "yes mum" and she responds. How do I break this cycle because I have to really work on being gentle here. Maybe Suzanne has a brilliant idea 
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aussieannie
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WHAT a thread! At the beginning of the thread this was said:
What does being GENTLE all the time look like?
For me it looks like Ma Ingalls. Everytime. And something happens when I read the series for a period of time. I find myself becoming, what I call, "Ma-ish" and it is good!  Gentleness decends on me and I just can't help it! I just find it a little amazing that a lady from a century or more ago can have that sort of affect on me, when reading about her life. Just an interesting phenomenon.
Also I highly recommend Donna-Marie Cooper O'Boyle's prayer book for mothers, I blogged about it in depth after Annunica's birth, My Perfect Mother's Prayerbook I found it to be a book full of prayers that has you focusing on gentleness and love. The prayers keep me pondering and praying... God - you as mother - your children..it's just special.
Here is an example of one of the prayers:
Dear Lord Jesus, help me to see how much I influence other lives through my own life. These human beings, the gift of children You have given me, are totally dependent on me from even before they came into this world, and because of a mother's love, even continue to be dependent in some ways as adults. Please grant me the graces I most need as the mother of my children. Help me to be the prayerful and loving example I should be. I pray for insight, wisdom, strength and patience to love and nurture my little ones with holidness. Thank You for the incredible gift of life!
Here is another prayer:
Dear Lord, help me to see that some of the most essential teachings to my impressionable children are in my example and actions. My actions are much more articulate than my words can ever be. Some of the most important lessons in life are learned when watching one whom is repected and loved. Help me to be mindful of my choices and the critical examples I give my children. Remind me, too that my prayer life spills over into my family and will help to enhance their grasp of prayer and their understanding of what is most essential.
It is a most amazing little book. There is a mini reflection at the end of each prayer chapter, one like this:
A Reflection of being the First Teacher
Take some time to reflect on your role as your child's first teacher. Consider all you are teaching your children, by word and example. Consider what you should be teaching them. Ask Our Lord, in your own words, for help and guidance. He will give it to you for the asking. He will grant you every grace you need.
What a powerful and thought-provoking thread. 
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monique
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One other thing I try to do is keep my medal of Mary on. I even often wear it on the outside of my clothing so that I can see it, touch it. When I start losing it, it is there as an outward sign for me.
The one thing that I really struggle with is getting extremely irritated when more then 1 child needs me. I get frustrated because I cannot help everyone at one time and then I yell or get short with them--including my husband who is very needy also.
Getting up in the morning by myself to pray, eat, and look at the computer have been very helpful as well (and maybe exercise and shower). I read Graced and Gifted by Kimberly Hahn and she highly suggests prayer first thing in the morning. She finally convinced me that I do need to be up before everyone and take care of myself first (especially spiritually). I am much happier and ready to greet the children when they wake up.
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Erin wrote:
| I have a 15yr old whom I am standing right next to and saying her name, she is sitting there reading and I whilst I know she is engrossed she doesn't answer until I either yell on the third round, or I say "yes mum" and she responds. How do I break this cycle because I have to really work on being gentle here. Maybe Suzanne has a brilliant idea |
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Not Suzanne, but would it help to gently reach over and rest your hand on her shoulder until she turns to you? I used to need to touch my kids when they were little and engrossed in something...
This *is* a wonderful thread, and an appropriately convicting one.
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Patty
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Mackfam
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SuzanneG wrote:
Warning: These are purely pragmatic ideas / techniques / strategies..............................
OK, I've gone on long enough......sorry.
Hitting POST REPLY now, and hoping y'all don't think I'm a lunatic. |
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Suzanne - your ideas are so perfect and THE most welcome addition to this thread. I'm such a practical gal - I enjoy spending time with the why? but in the end, I just want to figure out how to make it work!
We Three Kings will never be the same again!
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Jen Mackintosh
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Wildflowers and Marbles
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Mackfam
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Erin wrote:
Jennifer
A practical question; I have a 15yr old whom I am standing right next to and saying her name, she is sitting there reading and I whilst I know she is engrossed she doesn't answer until I either yell on the third round, or I say "yes mum" and she responds. How do I break this cycle because I have to really work on being gentle here. Maybe Suzanne has a brilliant idea |
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**disclaimer...I don't have a 15 yo so take this with a grain of salt....
So, I guess there would be two questions...
**One - Is she really not hearing you? My dh likes to tell me that one of our children operates in "boxes". When he gets in a box - whether that's reading a book, working on a project, looking at a picture - he is completely concentrated and in that box! I have to make eye contact and then softly say my child's name and then they're out of the box and we are communicating. We're working on cues with this child so that he becomes sensitive to hearing his name called no matter what is going on which I consider to be a safety issue. Your dd is old enough that perhaps sitting down with her and sincerely asking her why she doesn't respond to you right away would be a fruitful conversation. Is she stuck in a super-concentrated zone? Would she like you to offer her a cue so that she knows you need her attention? What cue would she be comfortable with? A light touch? Seeing your eyes crest over the top of her book? - startling! Or, perhaps she just needs to know that this is a problem and she will mentally prepare herself to "hear" her name when you stand right next to her and call it. It will take time to cultivate this habit, but it would be a worthwhile one to work on.
**Two - Is this an act of defiance? Does she hear you, but she's ignoring you because she knows you'll call her three more times before you mean it so she knows she can get to the end of the paragraph before she gives you her full attention? I have one of those, too! If that's the case, I think you really work to be consistent to keep your voice soft. I go to this person, make eye contact and make the request. She can let me know that she's in the middle of a crucial part of the book and request time to finish the paragraph then. That's usually fine with me because she's given me her attention and I know she's heard and acknowledged me. There was respectful two-way communication.
Suzanne's suggestions remind me that I do the sing-song approach here as well. Sometimes singing their name jogs their attention and they look up. It's different than just hearing their name being called. However you do it, I've been so affirmed in the practice of being present to them...by going to a child when I have a need and training them to come to me when they have a need. Standing right next to a person limits the temptation to yell....and....it allows me to better discern if I'm being heard or ignored so that I can tailor discipline to fit the real need.
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Jen Mackintosh
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dawn2006
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I also recommend Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit. A friend and I are currently meeting together once a month to go over a chapter at a time and using the accompanying study guide. She puts things forward very straightly, with little embellishment. Whatever anyone feels they are struggling with right now I'm sure is addressed somewhere in this book. Yet it is very small and a short read. Also cheap!! LOL!
Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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*Lindsey*
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Found this thread a few days ago and have been reading, pondering, and  .
Bumping it up to see how, over a year later, everyone is doing on this journey. I'm just getting started on it and am grateful for this thread.
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Lindsey
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Cultivating the Virtue of Gentleness
