| Author | |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Yesterday, during a phone call with a new mom some disturbing information was shared on how she's coping. Red flags... It's on the verge of an abusive situtation or potential abuse on her newborn baby.
I've let her know I'm available day or night. Any time.
I've been reaching out to her since the birth of her baby, but hadn't rec'd a response.
Come to find out...she has been told not to bother me because I'm too busy with my five children. 
It has made me wonder how families with many (?) children project to others that they are available to help. Especially when you've told the person you are willing to help!
It's not about helping financially.
How do you let other families know you're available? Especially those who may believe you have your hands full and can't possibly want to help.
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 4:09pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Show up anyway?
It seems to be the only way for people to *get* that you can help and want to help.
So yeah, when you don't ask, but show up on the doorstep with a meal (for instance) they have a hard time refusing.
And when you do that.. people start to realize that you WILL do something anyway and will start to ask you for specifics or include you when doing things for others etc.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 4:35pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
You're right, Jodie. It's something I wasn't seeing clearly until after reading your response.
I thought if she needs me, she'll call me. (especially since I've told her umpteen times I'd be there in a heartbeat.)
Stopping in when she isn't stressed is better than waiting for that call when she is. It also makes it easier to stop by at times DH can watch our kids instead of stressing her out by bringing my kids along.
Usually when we are together there are so many people around I can't blame her for not opening up.
Sorry...just putting down some thoughts.
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 4:39pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
If you've talked to her enough Michaela, often there's a time of day that is just more difficult. Like a baby fussy in the evenings and trying to have the house decent and dinner cooked.
Or trying to get going in the mornings and baby is fussy and you can't get a shower let alone get the day moving along.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
guitarnan
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 10883
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 7:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Jodie is right - most babies (or moms  ) have a "fussy time."
I would show up, casserole in hand (or whatever you think she needs - tea, shoulder to cry on, "I'm the Sitter" shirt).
I know that I, personally, am extremely (very extremely!) reluctant to ask friends for help unless I am in a total emergency situation. Sometimes it does take a caring friend to show you that 1) she loves you enough to help and 2) you are approaching a crisis situation and need to do something to help yourself.
I'm so thankful you are there for your friend!
__________________
Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Maggie
Forum All-Star
Joined: Dec 01 2007
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 712
|
| Posted: May 10 2010 at 7:51pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Honestly, having just gone through PPD for the 4th time, even though I knew I needed help (and inwardly was screaming for it), I just felt awkward saying "yes"--I think I felt judged or that someone would think my house and life was a mess, etc.
The best thing was when people would show up...or they would call and would say, "I'm coming over right now," and hang up the phone...and come.
I hated "asking" them to do anything. One friend in particular would just come over and start doing dishes and laundry. She didn't even bother to ask (and this is not a best friend by any means). Other moms would just tidy for me.
So...my advice...just go and do it. And not just once.
After one time, I felt like I couldn't ask again...even though I still needed help.
That way, you can better assess the situation...and give her much needed relief so she can just enjoy her baby and not stress about the visceral activity and necessities of life.
__________________
Wife to dh (12 years) Mama to dd (10) ds (8), dd (1), ds (nb) and to Philip Mary (5/26/09), Lucy Joy (12/6/09), and Margaret Mary (3/6/10) who entered Heaven before we had a chance to hold them.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LucyP
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 791
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 8:01am | IP Logged
|
|
|
The more desperate I am, the less likely I am to ask for help as I tend to get paralysed with anxiety and overwhelmed with shame and guilt for "failing". So I would never ask for help in a crisis. I have found it easier to accept help that is given rather than asking for help that has been offered, if you see what I mean.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 8:25am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Well, maybe, (I'm SURE this will not be a popular POV) she thinks you are over reacting to the situation and she would rather not call you. Maybe she felt theatened/judged by her. Maybe she is okay with how she is dealing with her children. ??
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
happymama
Forum Pro
Joined: Feb 05 2007
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 410
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 8:43am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Truth be told, we ARE too busy to help other families some times - when our own kids are sick or whatever and we feel like we're drowning in our own homes!! I think it's okay to tell our friends that we have days like that, too, but then to call or send an email some times that goes like this -
"hey, we're having a good week here. Got the school work done and house work is pretty caught up and no one is sick. Can I do ______ for you? Or can I stop by tonight to do ____?"
Then they don't feel like they are imposing on us.
I also have several friends with deployed husbands, so I use the line "my dh is home this weekend, so it's a good time for me to help you out with ____"
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 10:20am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I as well am one of those that would rarely, ever ask someone for help...even someone that offered. And like others have said, when I'm at my worst and need the most help, I'm even LESS likely to ask.
Soo, I think just phoning her regularly and showing up (may be just calling ahead and saying you have a little something) even w/ a bag of muffins or bowl of fruit is certainly ways to just help without waiting for her to ask which may never come. This would possibly help you more evaluate how things are going (face-to-face) as opposed to just with phone conversations.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Michaela
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 25 2005
Location: Washington
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2052
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 11:19am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've also dealt with PPD and have a similar personality that I would never ask for help. If someone just showed up at my door, I probably wouldn't let them in. I like what you've mentioned about calling a few minutes before arriving to drop off something simple. I don't want to bother anyone, but really need to be available for her.
Lisbet wrote:
| Well, maybe, (I'm SURE this will not be a popular POV) she thinks you are over reacting to the situation and she would rather not call you. Maybe she felt theatened/judged by her. Maybe she is okay with how she is dealing with her children. ?? |
|
|
This is different than a nosy friend or neighbor in your business, Lisa. She told me she can't take the crying....she has spanked and shook (shaken baby) her baby "just a little" because she just can't take it. Her baby is a little younger than mine, maybe two months old. She said she just doesn't know what to do with her baby all day. I was on the phone with her when her baby made little sounds and she yelled for her baby to stop it. This isn't a situtation where I mind my own business because I discipline differently than you. She has no other children....no husband...no father of the baby to give her just five minutes -- one minute - to breath...she's young and on her own. I have to do more than sporadic visits and invitations to come over, but it got me wondering am I projecting that I'm too busy to other moms? (she is young and believed I am too busy)
One major way I've let other moms know that they can talk to me, especially when struggling, is to let them know I am NOT super mom. I've felt out of control during PPD...during times of sleep deprivation...I don't always handle everything perfectly. I'm not trying to call CPS on every woman who disciplines differently than me!! That's sooooo not what this is about. She wants help, but has been told not to bother me.
I wanted to know how do WE as busy moms let others know we are available, we do have a shoulder to cry on, we are willing to make time. Would a struggling mom in your parish or neighborhood come to you for help or wouldn't because you are too busy?
I've sent my hubby when their car breaks down, give a ride when needed, visit them in the hospital...
It may have to do with PPD and the difficult part of letting someone know how much of a struggle life is at the moment. I'm dealing with a couple of people in my life that wouldn't dare ask for help and I mistakenly thought if they needed help they'd ask. Nope.
__________________
Michaela
Momma to Nicholas 16, Nathan 13, Olivia 13, Teresa 6, & Anthony 3
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 11:33am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Doubtful if someone would come to me if they didn't already have a relationship with me.
But then, it's my experience that they simply look at how many kids I have and determine for me.. that I don't have any time (because they can't even begin to concieve how to deal with the numbers).
But I can certainly make some time somewhere.. even if it means that some things around here go undone.. to help out someone in need. Not constantly of course. But I find that unless I put myself forward that I'm practically "avoided" because I "must be so busy".
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 12:59pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Michaela, you have such a tender and generous heart  . I am praying for your friend, her baby, and for you! I think to better answer your question, I want to distinguish between "being available" in two different ways.
The first has to do with being available as a friend or a mentor. This has to do with many factors, the first of which is an assumed abililty to fulfill the role and recipriocity. For example, I am able and willing to be a friend to other women who I enjoy their company, share values, and grow in holiness through our friendship and they reciprocate. I can also be a mentor to women who are younger and/or less experienced in an area I have more experience, such as mothering, with the assumption that I'm just alittle bit ahead on the mothering path and can give a glimpse into what has worked for me. They reciprocate by being endearing, grateful, and sharing their problem-solving efforts - and the company of their sweet little ones! To this end, I am practical. I honestly tell friends/family that I do live a full life but that I'm never "busy." I might say something like, "My full life is flexible and I will always tell you the truth about my situation. If I say I'm able to help at this moment, I am...If I'm not available at this moment, I'll make arrangements to help when I can. The best way to get ahold of me is via email. It is a real help if you contact me with your needs because I'm an awful mind-reader and guesser." If I have a friend who is in high need because of illness or family emergency, I always offer to call just to check in and assure the friend that she doesn't need to pick up. When I call I offer specific helps, such as "I can visit between 2 and 4...or...I can pick up your children to come play on Friday."
If that answers the OP question, and I do think it is a very good and helpful question, then stop reading here  .
********************
The second way of being available is more complicated. It has to do with the temptation to move outside of my area of expertice and take on a situation that calls for more than I can give. When I read,
Quote:
| She told me she can't take the crying....she has spanked and shook (shaken baby) her baby "just a little" because she just can't take it. Her baby is a little younger than mine, maybe two months old. She said she just doesn't know what to do with her baby all day. |
|
|
or when, in general, I see "red flags," I know that I have entered a siutation that goes well beyond the abilities/skills of a friendship-mentor relationship and beyond any availability concerns.
If I'm reading this scenario correctly, how would I see my role? I would tell the mom honestly that the situation she is in and the behaviors that she is describing need attention and help beyond my abilities. I would be very kind and reassuring, show my honest concern *and* I would know the moral and legal requirements of reporting child abuse in my state. I would tell her that I was afraid that someone was going to get hurt and that there are ways to prevent that outcome. I would encourage her to reach out for help and I would refer her to as many community support people as possible, such as her faith community (for spiritual direction and practical helps), her doctor (to address physical symptoms of depression,) mother-to-mother support groups, play groups, her extended family members, hot-lines, ...everything! I would ask her if a call from me, once a week for a month, to check in on her would help. If she said, "No," I would respect her wishes. If she said, "Yes,", when I called I would ask what she was doing to build a helping community for herself. Once I saw the direction she was choosing for herself, then I would look anew at my role.
I hope this is coming across with all due sympathy for all involved. Sometimes my words can be pointed on matters like this. It's just that I have struggled with finding the line between "helping" others, "respecting" others wishes and "enabling" others to continue down a dangerous and scary path. I have seen the danger, for all involved, of kind people wanting to help but getting in over their head. At this point in my life, I err on the side of caution...of not taking too much on myself...of not doing other people's work. I do this for my sake and for theirs.
I'm sure that I have done this topic a disservice...trying to share about such a complicated topic, and to share quickly. I'll be mostly away from the computer this week so if I need to clarify, it may take me a bit. Oh, one more thing, more and more I rely on and trust the power of prayer as my number one way of helping. Praise God for His mercy and care! (Sorry, no time to spell-check or edit.)
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 1:52pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Those are very good points Angie. And aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. It may be that this woman needs a mentor, someone to help out a bit, someone to call when she just needs a break desperately.
But that may not be enough.. which is when you can move onto that second tier of getting help.. but that doesn't mean you would have to take away the mentoring support.. just adding more help in.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Jane Ramsey
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 05 2007
Location: Florida
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 652
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 1:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
There is never a justifiable reason to spank or shake a two month old baby. You should do whatever you can to get help for this mother and child ASAP!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
wifemommy
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 10 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 732
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 2:02pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Michaela in that situation I would say either Hey I can come and get the baby for a few hours or you can drop her off here. Go home and take a bath/nap whatever she needs to do to recharge. I just tell people one more kid is no big deal and it gives my kids something to do so I get a break.  Annie
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
time4tea
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 02 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 511
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
LucyP wrote:
| The more desperate I am, the less likely I am to ask for help as I tend to get paralysed with anxiety and overwhelmed with shame and guilt for "failing". So I would never ask for help in a crisis. I have found it easier to accept help that is given rather than asking for help that has been offered, if you see what I mean. |
|
|
YES! I couldn't have said it better myself! And I think many moms (new and not so new) are like this. I know I am 
__________________
Blessings to you!
~Tea
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
time4tea
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 02 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 511
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Michaela,
After re-reading some of the additional posts I had not seen before, I wanted to suggest that maybe this young single mom could get in touch with a support group, maybe through a local Birthright or La Leche League chapter? Some hospitals also have new mom and single new mom networks, as well as groups geared toward adolescent and very young new mothers. I would encourage her in the direction of finding some kind of additional support group (and even accompany her, if you can) to one of these groups and help her to get hooked into a support network, asap. Can she call her OB/Midwife? They can be extremely helpful and make referrals for her as well. If she really does have PPD, she will need the help of a professional. This is really too big for you to carry on your own. This woman needs some support, and she needs it now, and like many others I fear for the well-being of her baby if she doesn't get it quickly.
__________________
Blessings to you!
~Tea
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LucyP
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 791
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 3:04pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
If she is spanking and yelling at a tiny baby I would be alarmed and seeking to help immediately - but if she is admitting to shaking the baby, I would be phoning social services. No matter how hard things are for her, no matter how unfortunate her circumstances, no baby ever ever ever deserves to be shaken, risking lifelong disability or death. It might sound harsh, but it would do her no favours to leave her in a situation where she could kill or harm her child. And if she is admitting to shaking the babe "a little" then goodness knows what else is going on, and maybe saying that is her way of crying for help. Praying for the mama, her little one and for you.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kathryn
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 24 2009
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1520
|
| Posted: May 11 2010 at 4:01pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I think Angie's right that there are now 2 parts for the original post. This would be another vote that what this particular gal needs is help beyond the occasional visit or call that a friend/mentor can provide. Sounds like she needs parenting classes, books, materials etc. as well as a regular schedule of someone to relieve her and allow her to get caught up on rest and function. It's possible there are other stressors in her life as well that are being taken out on the baby.
It sounds like she really needs some serious intervention and I pray she gets it.
__________________
Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Being Available
