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onemoretracy
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I hope this is the right place to post this....
DH and I have a great marriage. We are best friends and share our faith. He is also a wonderful provider and father.
It is so easy for us to slip into 'buddy' mode though. We just keep on keeping on, getting stuff done; work, home, kids and church stuff and the communication is there, but not the sparks, KWIM? 
We don't have issues or conflicts, just a need for romance. It is hard for me to explain what I mean by romance and I am pretty sure he has a different take on it than I do  I don't mean flowers and candles.
I am hoping that some moms here can relate and share some advice maybe on getting through the buddy times and back into the lover times. Or better yet, just combining them  !
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Tracy
DH Lee
DS Jake-10
DS Ryan-9
DS Luke-6
DD Laine-6
DD Mary Clare-3
DD Sara (Dec.6 '08)
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JodieLyn
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I know what you mean.. and it's usually when we stop touching.. and I mean a hand on the shoulder when you stand next to him sitting.. sitting together on the couch touching.. not in seperate chairs.. walking together holding hands.. etc whatever it is.. being distance physically for me seems to translate to distant emotionally too (when we're together.. I don't mean when he's out of town with work or something.. because it's not possible to touch it doesn't seem to work the same way)
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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teachingmyown
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A dear friend once recommended to me, when things were less than great in my marriage, to pray to love my husband more. It wasn't that I didn't love him, I just wasn't feeling that "in love" feeling that was there in the beginning. The result was amazing! I actually felt romantic, instead of him being the pursuer and me the tired, distracted wife who couldn't see past the to-do list. Suddenly, I was the one asking for a hug, or putting a hand on his shoulder, etc.
I think for the men, they are just waiting for our lead. If we reach out and take their hands in the car, or meet them at the door when they get home, then they feel different and respond in kind.
Another thing that I have heard is to act romantic even when you don't feel romantic. So, even if the last thing you want to do is stay up for an extra hour to snuggle and watch a show together, or meet him at the door with a cold beer when you haven't had five minutes to yourself all day, do it anyway. The romance will grow from your efforts, and soon it won't feel like you are trying anymore.
Just my $.02.
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In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
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teachingmom
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| Posted: March 08 2007 at 12:24am | IP Logged
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I'll share one thing we've done in the past month that has been a boost to our marriage. Awhile back some people came door-to-door in our neighborhood selling a frequent diner's card to a new Italian restaurant opening a few minutes away from my house. The card was around $30, but allows us to get something like 10 buy one-get one meals there, lots of buy-two-coffees-and-get-a-dessert-free, and a few half-price family meals too. I had no idea if this restaurant was any good, but decided that it would be worth it to buy the card so we would have an excuse to go out on a date regularly. My girls are just now old enough to leave alone for a few hours at night, particularly if we are still in the neighborhood, available by cell phone.
We have already had two dates (me, dh, and our little 3rd wheel ) and are looking forward to doing this every few weeks or at least monthly. It is so wonderful to be able to talk to one another during a leisurely dinner! With all of our girls, dinners tend to get very loud around here.
I don't know if you and your dh get out much, and I see that your children are still young enough to need a sitter, so this might not work for you. But I highly recommend it.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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JodieLyn
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If you can't get out.. plan an early bedtime.. get the kids all settled and then have a romantic dessert for two after the kids are in bed.. works especially well if you have it in your bedroom with the door locked.. even if they get up.. you won't be unexpectedly walked in on.. they'd have to knock (or something so you'd know they're there) to be let in.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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onemoretracy
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Jodie, the touching thing really struck a chord with me.
We do get to have date nights etc... we have kind grandparents and good sitters so that isn't an issue. Spending time together and talking is not the problem, it's that when we do it seems like buddying around.
I needed that reminder to pray about this. I think I take my own love for my dh for granted, KWIM? But one can always go deeper right?
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Tracy
DH Lee
DS Jake-10
DS Ryan-9
DS Luke-6
DD Laine-6
DD Mary Clare-3
DD Sara (Dec.6 '08)
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Maryan
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A friend shared to my dh (and then he told me) that he kisses his wedding ring every morning as a reminder of his deep love and committment to his wife.
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Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
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Matilda
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onemoretracy,
You can't imagine how incredibly brave I think you are to have asked this question. This same question has been floating around in my head for months now but I was too afraid or embarrassed to speak it. The confirmation that "this is normal" is tremendous!
JodieLyn,
Wow. It is so obvious to me now that you have mentioned it, but I honestly never would have come to this conclusion on my own. Thank you!
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Lisbet
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I will approach this delicatly, but I have a question about the touching. I agree very much with what you said Jodie. I long for those little physical touches to feel connected to my husband. But, it can be difficult when a simple hug or touch means so much 'more' to him, and that's not always what I have in mind. Anyone else deal with this?
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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JenniferS
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Lisbet,
Yes. And it makes things difficult in that I have a need for the touching, hugging without it meaning more. Especially since dh doesn't want more dc right now. It is really hard because I feel like I always have to be the one to hold back, so I don't hug or asks for hugs or touches like I would like to do.
Jen
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Anne McD
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Lisbet wrote:
| I will approach this delicatly, but I have a question about the touching. I agree very much with what you said Jodie. I long for those little physical touches to feel connected to my husband. But, it can be difficult when a simple hug or touch means so much 'more' to him, and that's not always what I have in mind. Anyone else deal with this? |
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I completely understand! I feel like if I cuddle up with him in bed before going to sleep that I'm letting him down, if it doesn't go any further.
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Anne
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William 3 1/2
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and baby on the way! 10/14
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Lisbet
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| Posted: March 08 2007 at 3:35pm | IP Logged
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So I'm not the only one! :) Maybe I'm not giving him enough credit, I don't know. Or, maybe that's what helps him feel connected to me, just like the simple touches keep me feeling connected to him. Or maybe I'm just tired.
I like the dessert in the bedroom idea. It may work for us now that 2 of the 3 children sleeping in our bed are slowly begining to move out.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
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Bridget
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Lisbet wrote:
| I will approach this delicatly, but I have a question about the touching. I agree very much with what you said Jodie. I long for those little physical touches to feel connected to my husband. But, it can be difficult when a simple hug or touch means so much 'more' to him, and that's not always what I have in mind. Anyone else deal with this? |
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You have to make it 'more'.
 It's the surest road to romance and affection.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
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hylabrook1
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| Posted: March 08 2007 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
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Lisa, Anne, and Jen -
It's definitely not just *you*; it is me too!
Sometimes it helps to snuggle up and say, "I just want to be cuddled." But in general, finding that "middle ground" is not easy.
Maybe having a conversation about this on neutral turf (like not in bed)? Take a walk and talk about "what I love about loving you"? We have had these kinds of exchanges, and they do help. But they have to be repeated from time to time.
Peace,
Nancy
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: March 08 2007 at 6:33pm | IP Logged
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the little touches during the day should be stuff in sight of anyone.. so unless he's gonna haul you off and lock the bedroom because you set your hand on his shoulder or hold his hand..
Also being very upfront.. men don't read minds.. and they're just about as incomprehensible to us.. letting him know ahead of time that this is your fertile time of the cycle and well.. if you go there, you know what can happen. I do take care not to be deliberatly provocative.. maybe thinking about it as is this something I'd do with/for my sister, brother, child.. so holding hands, a simple hug, rubbing shoulders, sitting so that your sides touch...
And don't forget to talk to him.. I think there was a joke going around a while ago.. or maybe it was just a friend who made the joke.. but anyway.. lot of truth in it.. the best foreplay for a wife/mother.. is to do the dishes basically, ask for help.. even going so far as to point out if you get help with some jobs in the evening, then you'll have more energy left at bedtime. And also talk to him about how if you can touch during the day without being drug off to your bedroom.. that when bedtime comes you feel much more connected and loving.. and well..prove it.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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teachingmom
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Maryan wrote:
| A friend shared to my dh (and then he told me) that he kisses his wedding ring every morning as a reminder of his deep love and committment to his wife. |
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Dh and I do a version of this every night. We hold hands and renew our wedding vows (a short memorized version of them) and kiss one another's wedding rings. Then in turn,we lay hands on one another's heads and pray a blessing for each other. One huge benefit is that you cannot do that while really mad at one another, so it helps with the "don't let the sun go down on your anger" thing.  His parents did it throughout their marriage, and we copied the idea and have done it daily since the day we were married. 
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Maryan
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That's beautiful Irene  .
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Maryan
Mom to 6 boys & 1 girl: JP('01), B ('03), M('05), L('06), Ph ('08), M ('10), James born 5/1/12
A Lee in the Woudes
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Maria B.
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Irene, this is incredibly beautiful. I am so touched by this.
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Maria in VA
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onemoretracy
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teachingmom wrote:
| Dh and I do a version of this every night. We hold hands and renew our wedding vows (a short memorized version of them) and kiss one another's wedding rings. Then in turn,we lay hands on one another's heads and pray a blessing for each other. One huge benefit is that you cannot do that while really mad at one another, so it helps with the "don't let the sun go down on your anger" thing. His parents did it throughout their marriage, and we copied the idea and have done it daily since the day we were married. |
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Wow! How beautiful, thank you for sharing this!
Quick update...I did actually say something and he agreed that we tend to get into survival mode and have a hard time coming out. It was good to talk about it and I even shared some of the comments from here. The simple idea of praying to love more deeply was so awesome! Also the touching reminder thing (non sexual, just affectionate) really has been great.
Quick funny: Lee was in the car with Luke (4) this weekend and Luke was making a triangle with his fingers. Lee remarked "Oh a triangle!" and Luke giggled and said, "Yes, it's you and mommy!" So I guess the kids don't see us as just buddies!
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Tracy
DH Lee
DS Jake-10
DS Ryan-9
DS Luke-6
DD Laine-6
DD Mary Clare-3
DD Sara (Dec.6 '08)
My Blog
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Erin
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teachingmom wrote:
| Dh and I do a version of this every night. We hold hands and renew our wedding vows (a short memorized version of them) and kiss one another's wedding rings. Then in turn,we lay hands on one another's heads and pray a blessing for each other. One huge benefit is that you cannot do that while really mad at one another, so it helps with the "don't let the sun go down on your anger" thing. His parents did it throughout their marriage, and we copied the idea and have done it daily since the day we were married. |
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Irene,
So beautiful. Would you mind sharing the blessing prayer? Only if you feel comfortable.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Keeping the Romance
