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Lisbet
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| Posted: Feb 16 2007 at 9:52am | IP Logged
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My mom and dad recently moved back to the area in order to be closer to the grandkids. They love the children so very much and they love to spend time with them, I am thankful for that.
This morning I called my mom to tell her what has been going on with the baby. She had a hard time accepting that I am pregnant again to begin with. She started on me then about how my body is just going to give out because we don't give it time to rest in between and that I was sentencing myself to certain doom. She said that we are letting the Church dictate our lives to the point of danger and that we are just too fanatical. She then settled down and asked me, "Why?". She said she would really like to understand the point of having all these babies. (my mom is a highly emotional person and is very easily offended, I often times feel that I am the 'stabilizer' in our relationship, and if I don't let alot roll off my back, we will have no relationship at all.)
I remained calm and charitable. I told her that I wish she did understand, but I didn't feel capable of articulating it to her. I told her that Church teaching plays a huge roll in how we live our lives, but I not to underestimate just how much Tony and I enjoy this way of life.
She then said were almost 'fanatical' in our faith, but to some degree she was envious of our dediction. She also said that she was mostly concerned for me. I told her I appreciate her concern.
The conversation then turned to here and there things, and she ended it with "I love you, I just wish I understood." I returned it with "Me too Mom."
I know this isn't the last of this type of conversation. She blames every little negative thing I say on "all these kids." Yet she dearly loves each one of them. She's also said thing along the lines of them not being able to afford birthday/Christmas gifts because of the numbers, or how hard it is to have us over for supper or even visit, because there are so many of us.
I just don't know how where to go from here. I wish there was something I could tell her to help her understand. I am constantly praying. I try to be a good and constant example.
I'm sorry if I sound so negative, I just hurt for her, and I hate that we have this between us. It is so draining on me, I love her dearly, and I have so much respect for her, but she is very negative and always thinks and expects the worse of people. I just don't know how to handle it.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Betsy
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| Posted: Feb 16 2007 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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+JMJ+
I can't add much but I can sympathize.
I can't complain to my Mother about anything, because she blames everything on the fact that we have 3 kids (She had the *perfect* family of 2-one boy, one girl)!!!!
Just this morning I was asking my husband if it would be wrong not to tell our family if we got pregnant again (which is hope will be soon).
So, that probably doesn't help, but I feel the same way too....
Betsy
P.S. The negativity over children is really hard. The children have even started to pick up on it. How sad!!!
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KellyJ
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| Posted: Feb 16 2007 at 10:24am | IP Logged
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Lisa, it sounds to me that you're already doing all the right things, especially in continuing to esteem your mom despite the pain. You've given me such a wonderful example through this post of yours.
I think your continued loving example and your prayers are the most effective tools you have.
The only things I could think of are these...
You might want to suggest that your mom give group gifts only; if she gives birthday gifts as well, perhaps recommending inexpensive consumables, a dollar or two, or a special afternoon out with Grandma & Grandpa (if you'd allow that).
For meals with your parents you might suggest either hosting it and allowing Mom to do the cooking or, if you'd allow it, have special lunches for your children (different one(s) each time) with your parents. Another idea is for Mom to try to keep the invites to times when you all can be outside, whether in her yard or at a park. Yet another thought is folding card tables and chairs that can be brought out or over when Mom & Dad are hosting your family at their house.
My suggestions came from the sense that your mom is overwhelmed with the number of children in feeling that *she* can't provide all she'd like to for them as a grandma. It reminds me of a thread here about trying to find a "yes" (I think it was on the high school board, and I think Angie wrote it). Maybe Mom just needs a little help in see how she can say "yes" and in being creative as she "grandmothers" your blessings.
Keep praying! I think you're doing great!  
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KellyJ
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Martha
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Lisbet wrote:
| I know this isn't the last of this type of conversation. She blames every little negative thing I say on "all these kids." Yet she dearly loves each one of them. She's also said thing along the lines of them not being able to afford birthday/Christmas gifts because of the numbers, or how hard it is to have us over for supper or even visit, because there are so many of us. |
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Oh lisa, I so know your pain. A mom with one can have a bad day and everyone is understanding. A mom with 4, much less 8, well that's just what she deserves for having all those kids I guess? I've heard it all before.
We have the same issues with my in-laws. My dh is an only child, so they really just don't have any comprehension at all. Much of it has nothing to do with you at all. If they feel a need to spend 100's of dollars on each kid, that is not your fault. We told my in-laws to buy 1 ro 2 nice family gifts vs several for each. Or to just buy 1 thing per child. They think that's a terrible thing to do. It's terrible the kids have to be "deprived" like that. 
They almost never invite us over (not even to their 30th anniversary party) and never come when we invite them. Again it seems to be more about their expectations than a real problematic need. They have this picture in their head of what their grandparenting years would be like and this isn't it. They just can't let that fantasy go and embrace the better reality.
I have no idea what you should do about your mother.
It was becoming such a trial to deal with them that we dreaded every email, phone call, visit, and even mailed card. 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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amyable
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This thread is making me hyperventilate.  
I can relate with everything said so far. We are about to tell my parents I'm pg with #5 - either this weekend or next. It's not going to wait much longer because I already look like I swallowed a small beach ball.  I'm dreading it. We have not told other relatives either, who "won't get it," but I think this will be the worst.
Martha wrote:
| They just can't let that fantasy go and embrace the better reality. |
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Maybe I'll use this quote. I think this is very profound. I've also thought of letting them read something like Life Giving Love by Kim Hahn, which is what got me in this trouble in the first place.
I'm sorry I have no advice, just tons of empathy!
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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joann10
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I have less trouble with my parents and more with my brothers and sisters. They feel we are irresponsible for having so many children because we can't give them everything that they feel is important for children today.---fancy clothes-vacations all over the world--the latest gaming systems--ect.
We are not included in many of the gathering that they have because of our number. I think we just plane overwhelm them.
Health has also been an issue for us.. after number 8 I had a splenic artery aneurysm rupture. I was not expected to live but after 3 days on a ventilator and 2 weeks in icu and 5 surgeries I was miraculously healed. Those were the words of the doctors.
I have had 2 children since then which has about put my family over the edge. They don't believe that the church would ever fault us for using birth control.
I have realized that all we can do is pray that the Holy Spirit will enlighten their minds to the true teaching of the church.
Joann of 10
WIfe of Patrick
ds Pat Jr 19
dd Becky 18
ds Matt 16
ds Dan 14
dd Amy 12
dd Laura 11
ds Mark 7
dd Grace 5
ds Luke 20 months
dd Kimberly 9 months
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Rebecca
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Lisa, I am keeping you and your mom in my prayers. I have been pregnant six times and have had the same type of reaction from my own mother each and every time, even the first one when most people are estatic about becoming grandparents.
Like your mom, my mom loves her grandchildren dearly but never seems to be excited about my pregnancies until I am about half way through them. Then she acknowledges that I am pregnant and begins to mentally prepare for the upcoming birth. She has never congratulated me on any of my pregnancies. Once the baby arrives, she bears gifts and flowers and loves them to bits but prior to that she stresses me out with talk about why I feel I "need" to have another child. Don't I have enough? Can I really support/feed/clothe/teach them all, etc. I really do believe that our mothers are just concerned for their daughters and do not know how to express it lovingly/in a helpful manner.
You are doing the right thing to remain charitable and calm when in her presence/on the phone. She may not ever understand how you can be so unselfish and open about having more kids. Maybe you will never find the words to explain all that she wants to understand. That's OK. Your joyful, loving example speaks volumes.
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juststartn
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I'm just now pregnant with #s4&5 (that there were two was a surprise to say the least!)...my mom wasn't thrilled that we were having one more...much less two. The fact that they are both boys (after three girls in a row) ameliorates things a small bit. But not much. Telling her I was pregnant with twins a couple of weeks ago, was NOT easy. She had three dc, so I didn't think I'd "get into trouble" til I had #5...sigh. NO such luck, unfortunately. I got the "you've got to DO/USE something" after this one" spiel at New Years...then I got told during my "well, I hope they turn head down so I can have a vaginal and avoid a csec" conversation, that I ought to go ahead and have the csec, cause while they are in there, the drs can make sure that this doesn't happen again.
I don't have a lot of advice, obviously. Our plans for our "retirement" (DH is retiring from the Army in about 2 yrs) have been to eventually move to near where they will be retiring/building in NCentral MS, so that we can be of help when they are elderly (they will be just under 70 when the house is finished)...We're the only family that will be able--or willing--to move near them...or to take an active role in helping them remain self-sufficient for as long as possible. They are the only grands my dc will ever know (DHs parents were deceased before we were married)....so it is esp hard to have my mother be like this (my dad doesn't say much--he's thrilled to be having TWIN GRANDSONS(!!!! emphasis his, lol)...I have one nephew. Neither sister is currently married (one divorced, one engaged--the one engaged may never have dc, or only one-two--she's 29 and in no hurry)....so my dc may make up almost all of their dgc...but obviously having little people who love you blindly, just because you are THEIRS...well, for Pete's sake. Obviously no one could be so silly.
My mom thinks I am degrading our fammily. That I am bringing them down to the level of white trash. That I am "a fundamentalist nut" (add this to the dressing modestly, and insisting on it for my dds, hsing, etc---and being a Catholic in a majority protester area....well, you get the idea).
My conversion was hard enough. But to leave myself open to more than 3 dc? Sheesh. May as well take an ad out in the paper that I can't control myself, or something 
SIGH.
Well, sorry you're catching it from your family. *I* happen to think you are extraordinarily blessed...and am pleased to know that there are women like you out there at all...I know it's not the same as having family be thrilled to no-end at the prospect of another dc....
(((HUGS)))
Rachel
__________________
Married DH 4/1/95
Lily 3/11/00
Helena(Layna) 5/23/02
Sophia 4/19/04
John 5/7/07
David 5/7/07
Ava Maria, in the arms of Jesus, 9/5/08
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Lisbet
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Thank you all for sharing your stories. I have come to realize that it is a true sorrow for us. We want the support, encouragement, and respect of our own mothers, and when we don't get it over such things as our children, it really hurts.
I am truly more sad for my mom. I wish I could give her the joy that I've been blessed with.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Servant2theKing
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It is truly sad that all of you have to bear such sorrow when you should be able to share your joy over bringing new life into the world. One thing that might shed some light on parents' or relatives' attitudes is that most of them have been strongly indoctrinated with a clinical view of pregnancy and childbirth, strongly fostered by the medical field, which presents birth more as an illness, and even something to be avoided, thanks to the anti-life mentality brought on by birth control and abortion. Very few people today have any sense of the theology and spirituality which are truly at the heart of pregnancy and childbirth and they cannot fully comprehend the wondrous miracle contained in bringing a new soul into the world! Thankfully your children and future generations will have your own beautiful example of embracing LIFE, and they will also have the blessed gift of teachings like "Theology of the Body", and so many wondrous Pro-life lessons, to help them face the anti-life culture we, and our parents, have been raised in. Be patient...try to be as understanding, loving and forgiving as you can....we are facing an entire culture that does not value life and sadly many members of our very own families, and many members of the Church, have been caught up in the culture of death, rather than life! They need our prayers. God bless you and your families. May you be richly rewarded in Heaven for saying "YES" to LIFE for each and every one of your children, born and unborn.
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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PDyer
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Martha wrote:
| it seems to be more about their expectations than a real problematic need. They have this picture in their head of what their grandparenting years would be like and this isn't it. |
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Our homeschool, family-oriented lifestyle is a difficult hurdle for some extended family members. I would desperately love to have another child, but it's been stated that we 'should be done'. My daughter has a dairy intolerance which has required us to change our eating habits in a way that makes others uncomfortable. I could go on and on, but I don't want to get myself riled up.
I wish our family could be forthright with their feelings and just get them out in the open, frankly. I feel like I'm walking an exhausting minefield during visits.
This difficuty is not limited to large(r) families, I'm sorry to say. I'll be praying for you.
__________________
Patty
Mom of ds (7/96) and dd (9/01) and two angels (8/95 and 6/08)
Life at Home
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Dawnie
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amyable wrote:
| I can relate with everything said so far. We are about to tell my parents I'm pg with #5 - either this weekend or next. It's not going to wait much longer because I already look like I swallowed a small beach ball. I'm dreading it. We have not told other relatives either, who "won't get it," but I think this will be the worst. |
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Hey, Amy, we were worried about telling my parents about our 4th pregnancy...so we had the kids tell them.
Obviously, this wouldn't work if the grandparents would say something ugly anyway, BUT in our case, the grandparents caught on to the kid's enthusiasm. Just a suggestion.
I hope that they will at least keep their unhelpful comments to themselves!
Dawn
__________________
Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Martha
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amyable wrote:
We are about to tell my parents I'm pg with #5 - either this weekend or next. It's not going to wait much longer because I already look like I swallowed a small beach ball. I'm dreading it. We have not told other relatives either, who "won't get it," but I think this will be the worst. |
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Amy if you go to my blog and click the the baby tab at the top, there's poems to announce the pregnancies.
I send a card in the mail these days. 
__________________
Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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aussieannie
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Lisbet, if only our loved one could see things from the prospective of 'the other side of eternity'? - there will be many apologies on judgement day, I reckon! 
I pray that God will continue to bless you and your husband greatly through your children throughout your lives, for your beautiful example of generosity in a culture of death that we live in - children are blessings and so you are one of the very blessed on this board.
To think people tut tut over the arrival of children and yet often public frowing over someone's abortion is taboo and people think twice to open their mouths about that ~ how up side down can this world get? 
joann10 wrote:
| Health has also been an issue for us.. after number 8 I had a splenic artery aneurysm rupture. I was not expected to live but after 3 days on a ventilator and 2 weeks in icu and 5 surgeries I was miraculously healed. Those were the words of the doctors. |
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Joann, how wonderful is that? Thank you for your lovely posting.
__________________
Under Her Starry Mantle
Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
Blessed with 3 boys & 3 girls!
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MarieC
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I'm so sorry for the sadness this is causing you. Your family is so delightful.
Lisbet wrote:
| We want the support, encouragement, and respect of our own mothers, and when we don't get it over such things as our children, it really hurts. |
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This is so difficult. It seems like parents only see news as "good" when it is something they'd like. In defense of mothers, though....I really hope my children are blessed with many children, BUT, if one of my girls did have difficult pregnancies I would be very concerned for her. I think many of those of us who see new lives as a blessing...whether it is the 1st or the 16th in a family...can see the beauty of the cross in the undertaking of a larger family or a difficult pregnancy. Parents, or others, who don't have the same mentality just see the cross and look for a way to avoid it...it's what our society teaches them. Sometimes the non-support of family...especially when they clearly love the grandchildren...is just concern for us. And while it seems very hurtful I think it is just their way of still trying to protect us.
Lisbet wrote:
| I am truly more sad for my mom. I wish I could give her the joy that I've been blessed with. |
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This is just how I feel about my brother's family. My mom and I talked about the situation the other day and she asked me what caused me "to become more religious" and I said it was definitely a gift from God. I stumbled upon a group of women who were filled with peace and it was evident that their faith gave them that...and I wanted it. God changed me...he put the right people in my path. I think this is what we have to remember when dealing with our families. He'll do the right thing in his time. Perhaps the sadness we feel for our families is just the cross that will allow us to be with Him someday.
My prayers are with you!
__________________
Marie
mom to 6
dds-98, 00, 02 and 09 & dss-03 and 06
Out in the Orchard
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4 lads mom
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You are not alone....
4 Lads' Mom with baby due in Sept.
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
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knowloveserve
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Lisbet wrote:
I am truly more sad for my mom. I wish I could give her the joy that I've been blessed with. |
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But you are. If it gets really bad, ask her which one or two of your kids she'd prefer NOT to have in her life. You've blessed her so much, she maybe doesn't realize it. Grandchildren are gifts from God too! While it's agonizing, and I can 100% relate (we get negative comments from the inlaws already and we only have 3 so far), you must divorce yourself from the opinions of this world.
A note about announcing pregnancies. Dh and I decided that if we are blessed with more kids, we aren't going to just say "We're pregnant again." But something that involves making it clear that this is a vocation we wanted and welcome: "We chose to be open to another baby" or "Our fourth blessing from God is due...."
While there may be some "technical problems" with stating how you "chose" to get pregnant, phrasing things in a direct way is better than acting passive... like a pregnancy is something that just "happens" to you, for people who don't understand the Catholic view of sexuality.
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Ellie
The Bleeding Pelican
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MichelleM
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Lisa-
I can relate too and I'm sending you a big .
Last year, I realized that I could not share anything negative with my mom. Her reaction (similar to your mom's) would take to big of a toll on me. I would sink into a depression either because of what she said or because our relationship wasn't how I desired it to be. I've learned however that I do have a mother who will console me in my struggles and so when I desire to turn to my earthly mother for consolation I resist and turn to the Blessed Mother instead.
With my earthly mom I share the positive and that is all. Although I try not to over do it with positives because that would cause criticism too. (I would be accused of self righteousness.) Rather, I try to hide the joys in my heart as their own consolation and offer the hiding as a sacrifice.
I've also tried to reassure my mom in her own mothering by thanking her for her love and for all she did for me. Telling her she is a great mother and grandmother & sharing with her how much the kids love her and enjoy spending time with her.
None of this makes it hurt any less but it is a consolation knowing that we can suffer with the Blessed Mother and with each other as well!
Praying for you...
__________________
~Michelle
Mommy to 5 Blessings
Visit my blog: House of Grace
Our nature blog: All of Creation
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JodieLyn
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Ellie - one way to really help with that is to give your emotions..
"We're THRILLED to announce.." type of thing.. it tells people that you're happy and want them to be happy for you.
Sometimes the trepidation of the response makes you sound like you're less than happy with the pregnancy.. and that makes people think they can voice their own negative attitude.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Nina Murphy
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amyable wrote:
| I'm sorry I have no advice, just tons of empathy! |
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 Ditto. 
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: When family do not understand.
