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SaraP
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Related to Kristine's thread on survival skills is something I have been meaning to ask here for awhile . . .
The postpartum adjustment phase for me seems to last about a year. My youngest will be 1 in January and we are just now getting to the point where I am more or less on top of things (with help and reasonably low standards), but I would guess (hope!) I will be expecting again fairly soon. And from reading your posts I know that many of you have much harder pregnancies and postpartum times - and less space between children - than I do.
How do you balance having reasonable expectations of your pregnant and postpartum self and not feeling like you are spending your first few children's entire childhood 'just getting by'?
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SaraP
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Rereading the other thread, I think many of you have already addressed this.
Maybe I am just looking for a little more reassurance that they won't ALL be little forever (my oldest now is 5)and that it will be easier to get the dishes and the laundry done when there are some older ones . . . even though there will be many more dirty dishes and clothes then.
Anyone up for reassuring me?
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Elizabeth
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Honestly, I'm just surviving. The only thing that is keeping me from sliding into major PPD is the words of my pastor. He told me that when I start being really hard on myself and that negative self-talk that comes with it, it's a sin against justice and charity. The trick, for me, is to be gentle with myself, as gentle as I would be with my children.
I had a brief window where there were no babies, and it is much easier. But I wouldn't trade this second chance at juggling baby and lots of others for the world. It's okay to be just surviving--we're doing a lot of good here.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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JodieLyn
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Definately be reassured Sara
not that it's all a bed of roses.. but I found that there's a big changeover.. not when the oldest child is old enough but when the TWO oldest children are old enough.. when there was only one child old enough to do stuff.. it was hard when "everyone else" wasn't doing stuff too.. but when there was two.. "everyone else" wanted to get to do what hte older kids were doing.
For instance at Mass.. it's a rather intense hour or so keeping all the kids on track.. BUT I have the older 5 who generally TRY to behave.. and know what that means.. and are capable of doing so.
When I had only 4 children.. and the oldest was barely 5.. it was really hard.. the 3 younger kids weren't yet at that point of following the rules without a lot of intervention on my part (ok one was an infant but still..) and yet.. less than 6 months later when the 2nd oldest reached that turning point.. not only did I have the oldest two helping each other and so behaving better.. but the litter ones started wanting to copy them.. It was like being on a teeter totter.. very hard and seemed like it would never get easier only harder and harder and then *flip* all of a sudden everyone is trying to behave properly and it's rare now that I come out of Mass feeling more like I ran a marathon. (I often take the kids alone due to dh's work)
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SuzanneG
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Elizabeth wrote:
| It's okay to be just surviving--we're doing a lot of good here. |
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Yeah.....my dh tells me this....even "just surviving" is really good...everything isn't perfect or clean or organized or on-time or completed or easy....or whatever. I have a hard time believing this sometimes, but it's true. I'm married to someone 8 years older than me who realizes that he was probably "so close" to never having children, so he is constantly putting things into perspective for me.
My 4th is now 10 months old, my oldest is 5 1/2. I would say for the past month, we have been getting back to a bit of "normal." I feel like it takes me a long time, but I think it's normal....lotsa kids in a short time, they're all so young.
I, too, am looking forward to when I have help in the kitchen, laundry, etc. Some things just gotta give in the meantime.
I do often have those feelings of my older girls childhood "passing by" ....not "enjoying them".......but thankfully, it's fleeting and someone says something, or I read something and I realize it's not true....."We are doing a lot of good here."
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Paula in MN
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I have to tell you -- I don't think it gets any easier. The type of problems change, that's all!
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 Paula
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SuzanneG
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PaulaL wrote:
| I have to tell you -- I don't think it gets any easier. The type of problems change, that's all! |
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I've heard many moms say that....different stages/ages, different challenges. Which certainly doesn't mean "easier"!
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Suzanne in ID
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Bridget
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Your work load isn't so heavy but you are still the manager/facilitator. However,you also learn to surrender and lower your expectations. You just laugh, more than lose it, over the undone things or when things go awry.
Yesterday, I had a mini panic attack over Christmas things not getting done fast enough. Today I have let go of a few more things I wanted to do so I can take the older kids to confessions tonight. (So the table clothes will have creases in them and the kitchen will be half painted. Who cares.)
One of the neat things that happens when they get a little older is that we laugh while we dig ourselves out of the mess together. Your not digging out and climbing the mountain by yourself anymore.
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marianne
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Elizabeth wrote:
Honestly, I'm just surviving. The only thing that is keeping me from sliding into major PPD is the words of my pastor. He told me that when I start being really hard on myself and that negative self-talk that comes with it, it's a sin against justice and charity. The trick, for me, is to be gentle with myself, as gentle as I would be with my children.
I had a brief window where there were no babies, and it is much easier. But I wouldn't trade this second chance at juggling baby and lots of others for the world. It's okay to be just surviving--we're doing a lot of good here. |
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Elizabeth - Reading your blog, if you're just surviving, then I'm not! I can't believe how much advent stuff you are doing with your family - we've done nothing except read a few stories and make cookies! My kids are parked in front of the TV or computer all day. (I did have my baby 11/28, but still...)
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Leonie
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SaraP wrote:
| How do you balance having reasonable expectations of your pregnant and postpartum self and not feeling like you are spending your first few children's entire childhood 'just getting by'? |
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I changed my mindset - I tried to think of it as "doing the important things" and not "just surviving." Made a world of difference to me. 
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SaraP
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Leonie wrote:
| I changed my mindset - I tried to think of it as "doing the important things" and not "just surviving." |
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That's the perfect thing to tell the little, doubting voices in the back of my mind. Thank you, all.
Edited to add that Leonie's comment reminded me of an article I wrote when my first two were both babies (part of which is below). It's amazing how many of my own questions I have already figured out the answers to if only I could remember to pay attention to them. 
Quote:
. . . Things are different now. My time is never my own and whatever my plans are for the day, I can be certain only that they will have to be changed in some way. I have had to realize that work offered to God according to a schedule I set is not nearly so pleasing to Him as simply offering Him my wholehearted acceptance of whatever my day brings. As the mother of a small children, there have been many days my only ’work’ had been to sit on the couch and nurse and play with my children, but I am beginning to understand that this is no less useful than performing every corporal work of mercy in the book so long as it is God’s schedule that I am following. I now understand that what I accomplish during the day is not the point – if God wants the dishes done, then there will be time to do them – the real work of the day is to lovingly abandon myself to each moment in turn without worrying about when I will finish any particular task.
St. Therese of Lisieux, was the master of this obedience and abandonment and perfected it into the doctrine of her Little Way. Near the end of her life, as she was slowly dying, she was asked by her sister, Pauline, whether it “[caused her] any pain to pass as a useless member in the eyes of the nun?” Therese responded, “As far as that is concerned, it is the least of my worries; it makes no difference to me at all.” (St. Therese of Lisieux: Her Last Conversations p.45) She understood that if she was unable to work, then no work was required. Therese’s Little Way is so appealing because it seems so possible – little acts of abandonment, offered with great love, in the context of whatever life we already lead.
Possible, yes. Easy, not at all. But how reassuring to keep in mind that even in seeking holiness, we need do only what we can at each moment and leave the real work up to God.
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Rebecca
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I think much of what Elizabeth has posted on her blog this Advent is from years prior. Her little one is still very young and isn't much for being set down. Here is a post to put it in perspective.
Last year when my Anne Marie was a newborn at Christmas, I did not do anything but lay around and read to the kids. Marianne, you are in your babymoon which is such a beautiful, snuggly, magical time. The fact that you mustered up enough energy and gumption to bake cookies amazes me. Congratulations on your little blessing!
ETA: Come to think of it, we pretty much did the same thing this Advent as well  !
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Helen
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Does it help if I say, I think part of being open to life involves feeling like you are "just surviving" or limited to "doing the important things"?
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Willa
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SaraP wrote:
| Edited to add that Leonie's comment reminded me of an article I wrote when my first two were both babies (part of which is below). It's amazing how many of my own questions I have already figured out the answers to if only I could remember to pay attention to them. |
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This is SO what I do all the time. I think sometimes we just need to hear it from someone else!
Your article was beautiful, by the way!
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Willa
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SuzanneG
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Bridget wrote:
| One of the neat things that happens when they get a little older is that we laugh while we dig ourselves out of the mess together. Your not digging out and climbing the mountain by yourself anymore. |
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I think I remember this growing up...All the laughing we did about the nonsense going on. I thought of this a few months ago, when the day was just so OUT OF CONTROL, and realized that I just wanted to LAUGH with someone about it...right then, right there!
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ladybugs
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Sarah,
I have felt the way you're feeling for a very long time. When I was so sick with my pregnancies, especially the 1st and the 4th, the PPD, the job instablity, the financial stress.
I finally just decided that, "Ok, this is my situation. I need to make the best of it."
Sometimes what looked like my best was dinner on the table when my dh came home from work - sometimes, it was taking my kids on an outing when I felt well.
I had to realize that God allowed these circumstances and that His hand was working even if I couldn't see it in what looked like chaos and crisis.
Now, that we're slowly creeping out of our difficulties, I can truly, truly, truly see it.
Sending  and the encouragement that more is happening than you can see right now....
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Love and God Bless,
Maria P
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Servant2theKing
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St. Paul said "I have learned to be content in whatever state I am in"...if you can embrace the state you are currently in as God's perfect Will for you at this time, and truly trust that He will see you through it all, peace will become the companion of your soul. The more we focus on our trials and difficulties, the more discouraged we can become. But, if we try to see the blessings and grace in whatever state we are in, it IS much easier to make it through. I think my entire life has been one of survival....it wasn't until I learned to surrender my will to God's Will, and to praise and trust Him in the midst of all things, no matter what the circumstances, that I found greater peace. You WILL make it through these times, by the grace of Almighty God! Love the Lord, love your family, and love yourself enough to be gentle with yourself, as Elizabeth suggested so wisely. Life is never perfect, that's part of our wounded, broken human condition, but our life CAN be better when we place it in God's loving Hands! This is such a blessed time of year to contemplate such things! Lay all your needs and concerns in the Manger, and let the Christ Child, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, transform them for you! He wants us all to share in the blessings and grace, the peace and joy of His coming! Have a Blessed and Grace-filled Christmas!
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mom2mpr
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Servant2theKing wrote:
| St. Paul said "I have learned to be content in whatever state I am in"...if you can embrace the state you are currently in as God's perfect Will for you at this time, and truly trust that He will see you through it all, peace will become the companion of your soul. The more we focus on our trials and difficulties, the more discouraged we can become. But, if we try to see the blessings and grace in whatever state we are in, it IS much easier to make it through. I think my entire life has been one of survival....it wasn't until I learned to surrender my will to God's Will, and to praise and trust Him in the midst of all things, no matter what the circumstances, that I found greater peace. You WILL make it through these times, by the grace of Almighty God! Love the Lord, love your family, and love yourself enough to be gentle with yourself, as Elizabeth suggested so wisely. Life is never perfect, that's part of our wounded, broken human condition, but our life CAN be better when we place it in God's loving Hands! This is such a blessed time of year to contemplate such things! Lay all your needs and concerns in the Manger, and let the Christ Child, the King of Kings and Lord of Lords, transform them for you! He wants us all to share in the blessings and grace, the peace and joy of His coming! Have a Blessed and Grace-filled Christmas! |
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I have been bouncing in and out of this thread.
Servant, this truly spoke to my heart today and I thank you. I have printed it out and will reread it daily.
Thank you and have a great Christmas!
Anne
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mom2mpr
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Sorry about the double post! Little glitch over here...
Anne
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4 lads mom
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Thanks, Ladies for all of your wisdom. I appreciate your candor and honesty, it helps me immensely. After coming off of several years of wayyyy intense medical needs,and ongoing ones as well with a few of my sweet boys, surviving is indeed what we do many days.
Three of my four boys have rather intense food allergies. Their allergies range from all poultry, pork, milk, peanuts, several fruits, and a low lying wheat sensitivity....ALL I do a lot of days is Fix FOOD! One day, I was particularly stressed out, doing my,'gripping the steering wheel of the van in the driveway, calling out an SOS to the Lord, I am so stressed moment', and I heard very clearly, "FEED MY SHEEP!!!" He spoke loud and clear for one of the few times in my life, it was unmistakable. I got out of the van, in a daze, and thought, "well, I can't disobey that one."  It really put everything in perspective for me at that moment. Cooking all of the time is GOD's WILL for me right now...as the boys get older, of course, they are starting to help as well...
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the post, it just got me thinking about that moment a few years back, probably a good thing given how the next few days always seem a little over the top....I will make sure His sheep get fed physically, and He will fill us spiritually at the manger this weekend. It will be not only be surviving, but living for HIS glory!!
Merry Christmas all of you dear ladies!!!!
4 Lads' Mom
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When you're always surviving
