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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Dec 04 2006 at 2:24pm | IP Logged
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WJFR wrote:
Cay,
Part of it is slowing down the pace and helping the child to take a pit stop and refresh himself, evaluate his own state of mind rather than take on someone else's (denial of pain or intense reflection of pain which increases it). |
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Thank you, Willa, in one consolidated post you answered my questions quite clearly and thoroughly. As usual. Bless you. 
When I read the above quote it really hit home because I like to have peace and well-being restored quickly and I tend to want to take care of everything all at once (in a rush) and rushing hampers others. It only serves to frustrate, annoy, and leave feelings of inadequacy.
I have trouble slowing down and I'm afraid that's reflected in my "healing" approach. And that's not good. I see that as a very bad fault in the fact that healing requires slowing the pace, taking pit stops, and refreshing the body as well as the soul.
In essence, it the little things that count. 
Willa, I know your words will resonate in me the next time I have to deal with an "owie".  Thank you.
__________________
Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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organiclilac
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| Posted: Dec 04 2006 at 2:48pm | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
| Do you kiss each and every booboo every single time??? |
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When my son gets hurt, I act very concerned, and say, "How bad does it hurt? Should you go lie down for a while?" Turns out it's almost never bad enough that he feels the need to stop playing and go lie down! He usually says, "I guess I'll be okay," and goes back to play. I think the benefit of this is that it forces him to assess things himself and decide if it's really that bad - because sometimes I really can't tell if he's hurt badly or just being dramatic.
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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momtomany
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| Posted: Dec 07 2006 at 9:07am | IP Logged
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stefoodie wrote:
Like Rebecca, I grew up with blunt language, so speaking to my kids in hushed tones is really foreign to me and something I've had to learn by observing other moms (Angie and Mary Ann (momtomany) are two great examples I look up to!).
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Thanks, Stef. You are too kind. Being blessed with my John has been an exercise in patience for me. God knew what he was doing, blessing us with John.
I can't think of one time when I ever saw you treating your children with anything but kindness.
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Mary Ann in PA
wife to MIchael, mom to Elizabeth, Becca, Tim, Peter, Andrew, Sarah, Matthew, John, Leah and Joseph
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mary theresa
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| Posted: Dec 07 2006 at 9:26am | IP Logged
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WJFR wrote:
But I've seen other moms -- and nurses at the hospital -- use the other approach with great success. They don't transfer worry to the child or be overly solicitous about the hurt, or give the child an excuse to have a meltdown -- but they give the child quite a bit of warm attention. "where does it hurt?" "Oh, I see" "well, can you move it?" "how does it feel now?" and so on, basically validating the hurt rather than dismissing it, but in a firm positive way. It's hard to explain, but it seems to work. Part of it is slowing down the pace and helping the child to take a pit stop and refresh himself, evaluate his own state of mind rather than take on someone else's (denial of pain or intense reflection of pain which increases it). The child usually ends up wanting to move on and you support the decision, but don't move him on before he's ready. Oh, it's frustrating trying to write it out, especially in a hurry! -- but again, it doesn't seem to breed over-caution -- it seems to let the kid deal with his trauma and then move on with life in a good way.
My older kids will often try to rush my "crybaby" or dismiss his hurt -- "Oh, that didn't hurt, you're making a big deal over nothing" and that seems to just lock him into increased expression "I'll show YOU -- it really IS a big deal." So I'm not sure if dismissing the pain really works for those kids who DO experience a lot of pain mixed with frustration and annoyance during those scuffles of life.
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I like this! I like how you said that it is "validating" the hurt. I've recently been thinking how this "You're not hurt, get over it" attitude is in a way disrespectful -- do you know what I mean? It's like distrusting that they have the knowledge of how their own body feels and implying to them that you know better just because you are an adult. I can see how that dismissiveness could make a child resentful, and get increasingly melo-dramatic to MAKE you believe that they really are hurt.
Also, I love how you say that denial of pain or intense reflection of it increases it -- I guess it's all about the happy medium between over-concern and dismissiveness. I think it can be hard for us mothers not to in some way project our response to something onto our children.
One thing that I thought of for those overly dramatic children:
I once worked with a preschool teacher who handled them in this way, which I'm thinking goes along with the nurses you mentioned:
The child fell on their hands on cement and started wailing. Though the teacher knew they were overeacting, she took their hands immediately: "are you hurt? Let me see." She examined carefully the hands, then said in a cheerful, reassuring voice: "I don't see any blood! You look like you're going to be just fine!" Every time I saw her do this, the child looked at his hands closely with her, and then seemed to make his own discovery that he was okay, and walked away satisfied.
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almamater
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In answer to Julie's original question about the little things:
Mainly I try to do at least one thing with each individual child each day. Usually this is reading a book to my four year old, dancing with or reading to my six year old, listening attentively to an entire tale of my 9 yo's adventures in the back yard (wherein 45 seconds outdoors = ten minute tale). Something...play a short game of Connect Four, color a picture in a coloring book, let one of the children prepare a snack or meal with me while the others are occupied elsewhere, look up a website with someone on a topic of interest to them, spend time after lights are out chatting with a child for a few extra minutes (my son loves me to pray a decade of the rosary with him after the lights are out in his room). Anyway, there are just a million little things you can choose from that genuinely demonstrate a little extra love each day.
Of course, there are tons of hugs and kisses, esp for the girls who really thrive on that. My son loves having his back rubbed at bedtime or during lulls in the afternoon.
Like Alice mentioned, I try to keep in perspective how fleeting these days are-especially these days with everyone still pretty young and open to silly games and picture books, etc. I also try to think about how my children will remember their Mother and their Childhood when they are a parent and when they are a grandparent...that really motivates me to be cheerful and fun-loving, while still maintaining a firm discipline when someone strays a bit.
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~jennifer in tx
mommy of ds(11),dd(8),dd(6), dd(3),& ds (6/08)
Soul of the Home
Soulful Learning
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ALmom
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| Posted: Dec 10 2006 at 2:52pm | IP Logged
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Cay, we have always used those lines as Willa and Tracey described - and all of my children have responded to it and none of them are fearful - some a bit braver than I'd care for them to be.
I think it is because of my impatience that we happened to this. The one thing that really gets on my nerves is incessant crying so I know I cannot ignore it or I'll blow up. But I do have some dramatists and they can really get you - but at the same time they can really get hurt and it is definitely impossible to distinguish between these sometimes. Even if they have been tussling and disobeying prior to the "injury", I want to address the injury first - as I do want my children to know I love them even when they are naughty and that it is always safe to come to me with their big and little hurts. However, once the hurt has been "healed", I remind them that this is why I asked them to calm down - not because I want to be mean but because I love them and do not want them hurt. Then I tell them that I will allow them to go on and play as long as they will promise to obey me and play calmly (stop throwing the ball, stop the wrestling match, whatever). The lesson of listening when I ask them to do or stop something is reinforced in the whole process as is a model of mercy since they have already obviously suffered for their offense. I've also learned not to call from another room for a bunch of boys to calm down, they just are too carried away. So if I want to set them up for obedience, I need to be in the room, and let them know or even suggest alternatives (might be outside play or it might be read books depending on my assessment of what is needed) or remind them that if they cannot calm down on their own, I will have to call a quiet hour in their room sleeping/resting.
I have approached them with "show me where it hurts". "Oh I don't see any marks. It looks like it will get better all by itself." I might even kiss it as I say this. I have learned to avoid saying, "it isn't bleeding as my dc tend to get a lot of head cuts which are not serious but do bleed profusely at times and I don't want them freaking at the sight of blood. Saying it is not bleeding, implies that all bleeding cuts then are serious. The phrases I use generally describe my assessment of the status of the injury - whether it will get better on its own, whether it needs a bit of non-sting antiseptic or whether it might need to be seen by a doctor - but all calmly, matter of factly and truthfully. Thus what I say is adjusted to realistically express the situation - well there is a cut, I'm sure it will get better, I'm sure it must hurt. Maybe some ice will help the bleeding. It is not too bad, but the doctor should look at it. It calms them long before they ever enter the strange world of the ER. This is the child that showed up and told the triage nurse that he had a very bad day because he got a bleeding cut - but it wasn't too bad, the doctor just needed to look at it. He was thrilled with his dog tags, kept a running conversation with every nurse and doctor - even asked the doctor if the doctor would sew up his pants too. (I make a point of explaining everything that is happening in an honest but realistic way. They respond accordingly. IE, I won't tell them stitches won't hurt, but I will tell them that it might hurt some, that the cotton ball they want him to keep taped to the spot is something to help it not hurt, that the doctor will sew up the cut, etc.) My 3 yo wanted to see his train tracks (we told him his stitches looked a bit like train tracks) and they accomodated him and let him take a peak in the mirror before they covered it up. This child's calmness spared him a shot as the docs felt certain that he would cooperate with them. He also made some rather profound observations about suffering - he had a bleeding cut just like Jesus and he said it in a tone that clearly meant that he saw it as a badge of honor. He even offered his hurt for a pregnant mom who was suffering from severe nausea. It also meant that the ER never once questioned us about how things happened, or asked this child dumb questions like "did he feel safe at home".
I will say that some personal experiences that I have had have left me cautious about getting impatient - not that I still don't as this is my overriding fault. But I have had children that acted up simply because they were coming down with something but before symptoms were showing. You really feel like a heel when you have been impatient (they have been playing like normal but extra whiney) and then 5 minutes later, the first symptom of something shows up like they upchuck at your feet. Calmness not only works better to get the situation under control (barring a major emergency that calls for the drill sergeant voice) but is appropriate whatever the reason for the whininess and you don't have to second guess causes of whininess while still addressing it matter of factly.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The little things
