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organiclilac
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 12:57pm | IP Logged
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
I also don't think they understand the pure joy we experience throughout the day, either, and it is good to share those moments, too. :) |
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Oh, this is something I really need to work on! My husband is also more stressed at home than at work, due to my poor housekeeping.  And I only have one child! I don't know how you all do it! Anyway, it does not help that the time that he gets home is right about when my son and I have had enough of each other's company and are getting irritated with each other, so he will walk in the door to hear that, and think that must be what it's been like all day! He thinks maybe it is good that we haven't been able to have more children because he sees my son and I butting heads and thinks that it would be worse with more - but I think it would be so much easier for it not to be just the two of us all day long.
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Tracy, wife to Shawn, mama to Samuel (4/01) and Joseph (11/11), and Thomas (2/15)
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Kim F
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 1:41pm | IP Logged
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Some thoughts - its really difficult to avoid getting sucked into that vortex of "you don't understand how hard it is". Really I don't think any of us can completely understand each other. I know dh can't always fully relate to what happens at home nor could I fully appreciate what it was like to lead dozens of men into a war zone.
The other factor is that while women tend to reflect about things, listen to another women's problems and just empathize, most men tend to be focused on problem solving. They will either attempt to solve the problem (ie suggest putting children in school etc) or they will get frustrated and place blame if they can't. At any rate, insisting that they empathize or worse yet, understand and no longer be bothered, has never been fruitful in my experience.
Like a previous poster mentioned someone needs to 'go first' in the understanding dept. If you can do that you will often be surprised at how much that blame and hostility gets turned around. It is hard to be frustrated with someone who is gentle and smiling and clearly doing their best to please you.
The world would have us believe that our task - raising children and keeping house - is drudgery and nigh on impossible under many circumstances. If you allow those messages into your head the whole venture starts to unravel. After all if there is no solution then all that is left is this big problem. You shift the focus from improving the situation towards getting the dh to accept the situation. I know whereof I speak there and its a dangerous place to 'go'.
It took me almost a LOT of years to let that go and begin to just figure out HOW women with tons of kids got things done. It took radically changing a good number of things. For instance, you mentioned being tempted to get rid of all toys with small parts. That truly is a viable option and may be a necessary option short term. If not eliminating them then boxing all the toys and rotating out just one per week. It is perfectly justified to limit their possessions until they can manage them themselves.
It helps to drastically alter school work in the short term too. If you do math and language daily and read about the saints and the mass readings you cover your bases and can focus on character training and the house. Then get on top of just one thing at a time. Or I might suggest these two things - laundry and dishes. With those under control it is amazing how much morale is boosted.
If need be its another viable option to really purge kids clothes to a few play and church outfits until the laundry can be managed easily. Once those things are well in hand you can add something else in every day - vacuuming, floor mop, bathroom, (personally I do the bathroom while watching itty bitties in the tub since I have to be in there and they arent going anywhere ; ))
The biggest hurdle otherwise is emotional. We all get defensive when we feel we are being evaluated and coming up short. Part of it may be that the dhs are calling us on things we were already bothered by. If at all possible try to brush off a harsh word here and there. That "St Monica just keep smiling club" Bridget mentioned. : ) If it was really out of line you can address it when you are both calm.
Ditto the kids. Someone has to be the grown up. Durned if it isn't generally us who gets tagged there. : p Ultimately its useless to bicker or butt heads. We have to model the appropriate behavior ourselves no matter how grumpy we feel inside.
I know know know none of that is easy. But I have this saying that gets me through - "Its not a bad way to suffer." Catholics know the value of suffering and that it can be transferred to the Holy Souls in Purgatory and joined to the suffering of the cross. We may not be called to be martyrs but we are given daily opportunities to die to self, to die to our first instincts and replace them with a higher response. We can do this now or we can do it in purgatory is my thought. Besides, considering the suffering requested of women who are bereaved, in wartorn countries,or riddled with disease our challenges in the home really arent a bad way to suffer. Plus we have the unique benefit that offering this particular suffering well tends to eliminate the problem causing it altogether.
On a practical level I seek out stories of women who have more children or more difficult circumstances wherever possible. I figure if they can do MORE than I need to then somehow I can do what I must. Surfing quiverful and large family sites and articles have helped me tremendously. Reading stories of the saints and their heroic attitudes helps on the spiritual end, as does avoiding like the plague women's magazines and books.
Ok I am rambling and need to get back to lunch here. My dh is gone this week so its single parenting here with no time to sit and ramble lol! I hope this didn't come off as condescending. I was where you are when my older boys were all that age. I hate to see anyone hoe the row I chose to then.
Kim
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Starry sky ranch
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Cay Gibson
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organiclilac wrote:
I don't know how you all do it! |
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We lower our expectations without lowering our ideals. 
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 2:42pm | IP Logged
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
Hi Tina,
Hang in there! I'm praying for you right now. I don't think you are a failure at all. To me it sounds like you are doing your very best to please your husband. Could it be something else that is bothering him and he chooses the seemingly (to us women, anyway) less important things to fuss about? Something at work? Some personal sin? Just unhappiness with himself? Seven children and homeschooling and a needy baby! (Make that six children and that's me!) Nothing will be perfect. This is my very humble advice for you Tina.
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I think this is a really, really important point to remember. Just like we can't say "I'll do my part when he does his" it's crucial that we don't set ourselves up for feeling like a failure by assuming that everything has a direct cause-effect relationship. Our husbands can be unhappy or stressed or irritated and the cause CAN be outside our sphere of influence. We can do everything we can to be good wives and mothers and housekeepers and there can still be reason for him to be unhappy. We set ourselves up for disappointment (at the least) if we equate our success in our vocation with their happiness. It sounds weird, particularly in a thread that calls us to lay down our lives for our families, but the truth is we have to lay down our lives (and keep laying them down) whether or not it succeeds in making them happy. At the very core of it, we do our very best to answer our call for God and we can be assured that He is please with the effort even if no one else so much as notices.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Lisbet
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Good points Elizabeth. We also need to keep in mind that no matter what we do for our husbands, we are not responsible for their happiness, nor can they make us completely happy. Only Christ can do that! :)
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Karen E.
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 3:44pm | IP Logged
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Erica Sanchez wrote:
Could it be something else that is bothering him
Pray for him! A novena to St. Joseph perhaps.
Continue to be patient with him.
Continue to share, when appropriate, your stuggles.
the pure joy we experience throughout the day, either, and it is good to share those moments, too. :)
Gently 'confront' him if you believe his treatment of you is related to something other than what he perceives are your shortcomings.
Offer it up.
Ask your husband what two or three things are most important to him and focus on those.
get away for a few days without the children (or most of the children). |
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Erica,
I think this is all lovely, wonderful, practical advice! Am I right that by the gentle "confrontation" you mean lovingly holding someone accountable for actions? That can be so important.
Praying for you here, too, Tina. Hang in there ....
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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Erica Sanchez
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 11:09pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth - YES! Perfectly said. So difficult to live through at times, but that is just it.
Thanks, Karen. Yes, I think that is what I mean and the motivation comes from the idea (teaching?) that we are to help our spouses attain heaven. Maybe 'confront' isn't exactly the right word. If I know my husband were struggling with a particular sin, something severe like p*rn*gr*phy, that could jeapordize his salvation, I think it would be my duty as his wife to first pray for him, but to also speak with him about it and offer help. I would expect the same from him.
Kim, your thoughts are so good. I wanted to say that I didn't mean to imply that we as wives should always share our struggles, especially in a complaining way. Gosh, our husbands have equally difficult and stressful days at work and, just like you said, we can't truly understand what each other experiences. It totally get that. But, it seems there would be times when it would be appropriate, even necessary, to say, at the very least, how something makes/made you feel when dh criticizes.
It is really such a thin line - laying your life down and speaking up when it is necessary. I think what would worry me the most would be how children veiwed the treatment of the spouses toward each other and how this would affect them long term.
Tina, I feel for you. Keep praying for him. You're in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Love,
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Kim F
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| Posted: Nov 28 2006 at 11:28pm | IP Logged
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<<But, it seems there would be times when it would be appropriate, even necessary, to say, at the very least, how something makes/made you feel when dh criticizes.
>>
Agreed. I think the best time is after we have really addressed our own issues is all. Otherwise it is too easy for the other person to put it all back on us for not caring in return and things disintegrate. It is also best to do it at some other time than when it is taking place.
I think as far as the children go it is a far better example for them to see us perpetually cheerful and diligent. We worry so much in this day and age over psychological health. Not that it isn't important. But if we get our spiritual house in order the rest seems to flow so much better.
Also its awfully easy to consider someone else's behavior as a psychological stumbling block and miss that our own could be causing the children more strife in the end. They tend to notice reactions more than anything and take their cues from that. How we react to our dhs is often how the children end up reacting to us so it bears some thinking through.
Kim
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