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KC in TX
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| Posted: Oct 10 2006 at 9:34pm | IP Logged
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When we are not living near family, my mother came for the birth (easy to do since I have scheduled csections). Dh would take the first week off and then when my mom left (2 weeks) he would take another week off. So, I would have help for 3 weeks. My mother does everything so that I can recover. For some reason, the csections have been more difficult to recover from. Anyway, culturally, I'm not allowed to do anything except feed the baby. I'm to rest, rest, rest. I'm quite fortunate.
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KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
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Angel
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For my last 3 pregnancies (4 kids), my mil has come before the baby's/babies' birth and stayed for a while after. Since we've always lived far away from family and haven't had anyone to babysit the kids while dh and I go to the hospital, we've really needed her. With the twins, she was with us an entire month -- two weeks before, while I was on modified bedrest, and 2 weeks after. That was a godsend. She does work, but she and my fil have their own business, so she can be somewhat flexible. Unfortunately my dh usually has to take off the days when I'm in the hospital -- 4 for the last two births, with a C-section -- and so he can't take time off later. Usually my mil is here for a week or two after the baby is born, though. Then my mother, who doesn't have much time off, usually tries to work in a week sometime in the first month, but she often has to work while she's here.
With the twins, my husband's new coworkers really pulled us through by supplying us with meals while I was on bedrest and after the babies were born. The wife of a man my husband works with -- also a mother of (grown) twins -- came and rescued me one day after my mil had gone home and the babies were only about 3 weeks old. She did my laundry, watched the babies, and played Monopoly with the other kids so I could take a shower. Then she washed my kitchen floor *on her hands and knees*.  I don't think anyone has ever been so nice to me, and I hardly even knew her. After that, I had a 13 yo homeschooled girl come once a week to help me with the cleaning; she folded my laundry better than I do!
I don't know what we will do if there are any more babies, though. Now that there are 5 my mil isn't comfortable watching all of them. But I suppose we'll just have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
--Angela
Mom to 3+2 
Three Plus Two
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Rebecca
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| Posted: Oct 10 2006 at 11:23pm | IP Logged
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My husband is usually home for four days, in which he tries so lovingly to do all the chores and take care of the kids. One thing we usually do is let everyone wear pyjamas for the first week or two after the baby is born (since we all just want to lay around together and stare at baby!  ) to cut down on the amount of laundry.
I have my babies at home so my mother also comes over to help after a birth. She usually takes a couple of days off after my husband is back to work. Then she comes most evenings for about two weeks as I am not able to be very active in the first couple of weeks due to the size of my babies and the effect that has on my body. It is a tremendous blessing to me to have her help.
My fellow La Leche League leaders bring meals for a month or so, three days a week. This helps so much.
Usually, in the first few months post partum, the house falls apart because I cannot be as active in keeping up with the chores. I just try to lower my standards but it is a struggle for me because I like everything neat. I have two friends who cleaned for me for a couple hours as a baby gift. It was a huge relief to have the floors done and laundry folded.
I think the best gift you can give a new mother is a gift of your time: housecleaning help or meals. Those were the greatest present to me, rather than a store bought gift.
ETA: I also have gotten better at taking people up on their offers to help. If a friend comes to see the baby and asks what they can do, I will tell them something that needs done whereas with my first baby or two I would have felt pridefully obligated to entertain them/not let them help. It is humbling and difficult to allow people to help but has really been a blessing to me to let go and allow them to do such a kind thing for my family.
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humanaevitae
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We all just hunker down until Dh gets home from work. Then 3-6M later I start digging out! 
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Nicole-Zane 10, Elizabeth 7, Xavier 4, and John Patrick 2
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MaryM
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My husband usually takes a few days off. My mother always came to stay for about 2 weeks. She is a master cleaner and such a big help. I've had several "food showers" before the births and we would get between 2-3 weeks of meals from friends.
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Mary M. in Denver
Our Domestic Church
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stacykay
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My last two babes, some of the ladies in my homeschool group brought dinners (I had about 10-15 dinners taken care of both times.)
I didn't have any help at home. My mum was very ill when I had my 5th ds (she passed away when he was 8 weeks old.) With my last ds, my dh had to take a week off, as ds had to go back to the hospital when he was only 4 days old, and I had my first c-sxn, too!  Usually, dh never takes time off.
With the first four, my parents always came up (they were in FL) to help out. It is really rough when it is just you, as much as dc and dh try to help. 
God Bless you and your dear baby, Karoline  !
Stacy in MI
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Erica Sanchez
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Dawnie wrote:
ALmom wrote:
I know I am very, very fortunate and most don't have things as easy. I'm thankful.
Janet |
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Janet,
That's the kind of grandma I want to be when I grow up!!
Dawn |
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I want to print out Janet's post and tuck it away for later!
__________________
Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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saintanneshs
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My dh is SUPPOSED to take time off from the farm to stay home with me for at least a week, but it's never worked out that way. He gets the nights with me in the hospital but usually goes back to the farm during the day while I'm there, so he can get things done and let the nurses take care of me. I love the nurses inour little hospital (we're on a first-name basis at this point). When we come home, usually dh sends the toddler to his grandmother's house (next door) for the day and takes the rest up to the farm with him so baby and I can sleep. He works all day and then usually takes the whole next day "off." He tries to, but his dad keeps our phone ringing (it's just him and his dad out there, after all) and since dh is in charge of so many things on his own, he runs up to the farmhouse to take care of things when we all nap. Mostly, he spends the first week with us while we're awake and when the little ones and I sleep, he takes the bigger ones and goes outside to farm.
After about a week of this we get back to life as usual. He gets things ready before leaving in the morning, like dressing and feeding the kids and setting out stuff for them to do if they're not going with him. All I have to do is move from bed to couch. Dh comes home for lunch every day (as usual) and takes over then for about an hour. He bundles me up and kicks me out for an afternoon walk in the cold air while he feeds the kids and reads to them and then lays them down for naps. When I come in (it's COLD out there) he makes sure I have everything I need and then goes back out again to farm with the big kids until dinner. Last time the house was nice and quiet in the afternoons (well, as nice and quiet as it can get with a toddler and a 3yo... I'm speaking in comparative terms! ) I got to do lots of sleeping and reading in my glider which dh placed in the sunlight for me at lunchtime...heavenly!
I'd rather dh had the whole week off, undisturbed and not needing to leave, keeping me company and basking in the joy of our new baby, but that's just not realistic I've realized. He "basks" differently. I've discovered the hard way that farmers just can't breathe when they're inside for too long anyway, so this is how it is and I've just quit trying to fight it. It's not what I WANT but I have what I NEED.
My mom has come to help me for several days in the past postpartum periods and she "keeps me company." She comes first thing in the morning and leaves at dinnertime, making sure all the laundry is folded and the dishes are done. She heats up the meals that the moms in our mom's group from church have brought over. She also runs the vacuum, bathes the baby, gives me a chance to take a bath and plays with the other little ones. I just love it and am soooo grateful that she's nearby.
Rebecca, I agree with you about taking the help that's offered. That's something my pride has always not allowed me to do before, but I'm not going to let it get in the way this time. I'm going to post my cleaning schedule on one of the kitchen cabinets and if someone offers, just look at the list and ask for one thing on there. With my mom here I'm hoping it won't be too much, but when she leaves it would be nice to have someone babysit long enough so I can get a bath during the day in the following weeks!
Who's helping you Elizabeth?
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Kristine
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Elizabeth
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I actually have more help this time than I've ever had. I never had help until last time (with the C-section.) This time, Mike took off the entire time I was in the hospital and spent it WITH me. That was pretty idyllic. My friends Barbara and Megan are trading off being here to keep the house running.We'll get meals from homeschoolers and from church. Barbara comes from a large family and her mom is great at postpartum support.She helped last time and she' such a huge blessing to all of us. Megan suffered severe PPD about 18 months ago and she just knows what's needed. My big kids have been awesome this time too. I came home to an absolutely beautiful house. Michael and Megan had cleaned from top to bottom. There were fresh flowers everywhere. The kids had made signs with tons of stuff Megan had bought to encourage creativity. Candles were lit and there was a fire in the fireplace. I will never forget that day.
My dad and his wife were here the next couple of days because Mike had to travel. That was not so good. They were company and not help. With some encouragement from some particularly good wordsmiths (found here on this board), I sent them home early. Monday was just us and it was peaceful. Barbara came again on Tuesday and Mike came home Tuesday evening. Today, Katie has a fever and Stephen is wheezing.So, we hit a little bump, but hopefully it's just a little one.
All is well.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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saintanneshs
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| Posted: Oct 11 2006 at 11:32am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
| I came home to an absolutely beautiful house. Michael and Megan had cleaned from top to bottom. There were fresh flowers everywhere. The kids had made signs with tons of stuff Megan had bought to encourage creativity. Candles were lit and there was a fire in the fireplace. I will never forget that day. |
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How lovely! What a perfectly beautiful homecoming. 
Elizabeth wrote:
| With some encouragement from some particularly good wordsmiths (found here on this board), I sent them home early. |
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Good for you. That must have taken some courage but it sounds like it was just what you needed!
Elizabeth wrote:
| Today, Katie has a fever and Stephen is wheezing.So, we hit a little bump, but hopefully it's just a little one. |
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I hope so too. It's always hard, that first bug that comes through after a new baby. Be sure to get lots of vitamins, fresh air, and sunshine! Glad to hear all is well.
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Kristine
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hylabrook1
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I am in the camp of ladies for whom parent and in-law help has always been very stressful. More like criticism of how I keep house, without recognizing that I was *just* 9 months pregnant! The last couple of dc I had a lovely and loving neighbor who had asked for instructions about who should take the various children while I went to the hospital, so all I did when it was time to leave was call her and she took over directing traffic from there. What a blessing! Dh has taken off a week of work and was there to jump up and down for little needs of the children so I could rest. He doesn't do cleaning or cooking, but still having a second adult there is a help and lets him be part of the shifting dynamic of adding another person to the family, so that is constructive even without the housekeeping help. Usually I've been late, so I spend the week around the due date giving the house a really good cleaning *hoping* that will encourage labor. Usually it just leaves a tired momma going into labor . The up-side is that we can survive a couple of weeks without the health department condemning the house! Friends have brought meals. All in all we've survived well.
Peace,
Nancy
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teachingmom
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For each of my children's births, dh has been able to take a week off work. My parents take the other girls to stay at their house during my time in the hospital, which was only one night this time. (I say that thankfully -- my nights in the hospital with newborns are always nightmares! I do much better at home.)
Dh is great at taking care of things and getting the girls to their activities and providing dinner, if nothing is brought by others. We've received 2-3 dinners each of the last two weeks from either my mom or friends. More are coming from the homeschoolers and church. My parents are wonderful at coming by every few days to do some grocery shopping or drive someone to piano, etc.
I don't attempt to do anything with the house during the first weeks, and dh and the older girls take care of laundry, except the folding, which I can easily do from the couch. I am trying to avoid going places with the baby, since we are entering flu season and she's only a week and a half old. For the most part, friends and my parents have been able to provide rides to activities so far.
We actually don't stop our basic schooling at all. The girls spent a week doing the basics, mostly on their own or with help from my mom or dh. I call it the 5 R's: Reading, Writing, 'Rithmatic, Read Aloud, and Religion. This week, when I was on my own after dh returned to work, I had the Columbus Day holiday to ease into the week. We've picked up our normal lessons since Tuesday though. I think it's easier to do that than to have the girls sitting around the house, since we can't go anywhere and the neighborhood kids are at school.
Well, my night owl newborn seems to have finally fallen asleep, so I had better get off the computer and get to bed. Because of my late hours with the baby, I have been sleeping in until 9 or 10. Thank goodness for older children, who can oversee breakfast for everyone and start their lessons without me. 
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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StephanieA
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Unfortunately I am on my own for the most part. My husband usually takes 1-2 days off. I would LOVE meals, but I might get 1 or 2. Our homeschooling group here is very small, and it just doesn't happen. That said, I try to prepare mentally for the drastic change in the house. I try to get the floors waxed and cleaned well, the basement really clean, and the house decluttered before the baby arrives. When #8 arrives this January, I expect that I will finally have real helpers from my 11 and 9 year old girls. They can clean somewhat now, but meals will be a challenge. The most important thing is for me to mentally prepare for the chaos and remember to rest. Otherwise, I am plagued with constant breast infections and that really put me behind. The semester the baby is born is REALLY low key on the schoolwork. This doesn't mesh well with the teens, but it's the best I can do. I am going to try to find someone to grade English papers for the oldest 2 teens at least next semester if I can swing it financially. That or I won't schedule much writing at all for anyone and we do no projects, but lots of read alouds for the grade schoolers on down.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Molly Smith
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I usually don't have much, if any, help, but I'm happy to say this time has been much different. I have two very dear friends who have 5 teenage girls between them, so I've had one or two helpers here every day. There main job is to watch my two year old since everyone else is pretty independent, but they are such close friends that everyone just plays together. And I get to disappear to my room with baby Veronica.
I also have meal help this time--roughly every other day for about 4 weeks. I haven't had meals in quite a few babies, so it's been very nice--not just to be fed, but to have short visits with friends every other day.
I'm with Dawn--I want to be just the type of grandma that Janet's kids have! My parents are gems, but they just can't physically help as much as they'd like to. My in-laws live only 15 minutes away, but we haven't really seen them much this pregnancy/new baby. Sort of a strange relationship. I know it's another thread, but I hope that I can be close with my future daughters-in-law...
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Molly Smith in VA
Mom to seven beautiful children, ages 1-14
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Christine
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My husband usually takes two to three weeks off of work, so that he can help me. This time, he can only take one week off. I am hoping that the baby is born around his due date (12/27), as that would give my husband a little bit more time off of work.
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Christine
Mommy to 4 girls, 5 boys, & 2 in God's care
Memories of a Catholic Wife and Mother
Pretty Lilla Rose
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doris
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This is all very interesting and topical as I was just thinking, 'OK, I want another baby, but how on earth would I cope with ZERO help and three not-very-big kids?' Well, for a start in the dear old UK my husband gets two weeks' PAID paternity leave, which is great. We've just moved house and have yet to find a parish 'home' so I don't know if there would be much help forthcoming from there. (In 3 months living in London and going to 2 different local churches, not a single person has come up and said hello and the priests haven't bothered either ... but that's a different story.)
A brief insight into the 'help' my mum offered the last time she came to stay -- I was cooking the supper and hoovering at the same time. She sat doing the crossword but was kind enough to lift her feet up so I could hoover underneath!!
As others have said, I'm looking forward to being a different sort of grandma at some point.
Elizabeth
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JennGM
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I have one phenomenal mother who tries to help out all her daughters (she had 5) when they have their babies. Depending on how much help their dh and other family give helps her gauge how much help to give. She'll fly to NE to help one sister. For the one sister who has had 4 c-sections, she gives more help with meals and laundry and cooking.
I've only had one child and it was a c-section. Dh stayed home for 2 weeks and then my mother helped. She came during the day for all the meals, put dinner in the oven and leave when my dh would come home. She was terrific...and her example was her mother, who would go for all her daughter's births.
For all the kids she's made the traditional homecoming meal of chicken and rice, and makes French Toast (Mom's way) for the first breakfast treat.
The best part is she tries to fit in and do what is needed in the way the daughter and husband needs/does it...not try to recreate or reorganize.
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Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
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Nina Murphy
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Praise be to God that you are feeling cared for, Elizabeth. Oh I long for the days when women were FORCED to have a lying-in period and the other women came to take care of the household for her in order to promote proper healing, prevent infection, and assure adequate care of the baby. It was a matter of protection for mother and baby!
As for me, I do not have the kind of mothers who come to help. 'Nuf said.
My sister used to help but with the last one, she had to work and my mom convinced her it wasn't "healthy"....that I should hire outside help, and not expect family members to sacrifice their lives and come in at such a stressful time.
My husband has not taken time off for the last few births (except for Joey's RSV hospital stay...he stayed all night with him, and got up to go to work the next day) due to very stressful work situations.
It has been beyond rough on me and I KNOW contributed to poor post-adjustment and some bitterness, sadness. My children DO what they can and so does my father-in-law (who we live with). It has always just been a really hard time for us, no matter what.
Friends have offered to bring dinner and that has been wonderful (esp. after Joey's premature birth). But what I always desire the most is: peace, quiet, rest.... and knowing the chidren are taken care of, perhaps just having someone offer to take them out and occupy them. An invite for some of the children by another mom is always what I would most benefit from (because you can always do "take-in" or frozen meals...).
Still praying for you, Elizabeth.
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God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Postpartum Help
