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StephanieA
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| Posted: Sept 06 2006 at 4:46pm | IP Logged
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It really, really helps--even if one or two kids are out in the afternoon--if I can stay home. There is just so much less chaos. And, frankly, afternoon driving exhausts me like nothing else can
Bingo, Elizabeth! It seriously helps if "I" am at home too. I have figured this out even about Saturday mornings and cleaning. "I" need to be here to oversee and delegate. We have a shortened Friday, so we are done after lunch. I do my grocery shopping and running around Friday afternoon. This leaves Saturday night for family time and Sunday free (well, mostly) for total downtime. If I can drop off for music lessons and dh or sons pick up, I do it. My second son will go to ALL lessons next semester with the girls (violin) because I won't drag the newborn out. I will compensate by doing a few of his chores around here.
I try to stay out of the car during the week or else school falls apart.
Basically, I want our home to be a place my kids and husband WANT to be. I try to keep it....homey - not too "perfect" but where there's a little food in the refrig, a decent meal at supper, and a cheerful mom.
When I am stressed, everyone feels it. If I can delegate the running, it is key to a happy home here (except the grocery shopping. I haven't hit upon the kid that can find what I need or that can spot a "good deal" as in the off-brand  .
Blessings,
Stephanie
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: Sept 06 2006 at 4:58pm | IP Logged
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We have a large family (at least I think it qualifies). I have two teenagers and an almost 12-year-old plus the younger ones. Soccer has worked beautifully because it's not at all dependent on high schools. It also works because the bulk of my husband's work is related to professional soccer so soccer doesn't detract from our family; it's a part of our family culture. They take trips with him to his worokplaces which happen to be professional soccer venues. They talk soccer and they all play soccer together. soccer training has turned into well-paying jobs for my eldest and refereeing is padding the pockets of my second son. I think dance will continue to work throughout high school years as well, at least that has been my experience watching other families whose daughters dance seriously.
My husband thinks that some of the busy-ness in the afternoons and the effect on our family is mitigated because we homeschool. When he's not traveling, he works from home. That means that even if we don't all have dinner together, it's likely we had breakfast and lunch together. And we spend the bulk of the day together. I think he's right to a degree. I know that afternoon driving still takes a huge toll on me and on the wee ones. That's why I'm trying to keep them local until they can drive or until they are playing at such a level that they know coaches really well and those coaches will come get them (as in Patrick's case).
I also happen to live in a place where traffic is a very big consideration. It took me forty-five minutes to drive four miles to the chiropractor this morning  .
When I first wrote the blog post I was recalling a woman I know well. She has four children--4, 7, 11, and 14. The older three are in public school. Her oldest two are both girls and have danced competitively for years. The oldest just made the freshman cheerleading squad. Rather than drop dance, she's just going to add cheerleading. So mom will pick up from cheerleading and drive to dance five nights a week. On Wednesdays, they'll make a brief pit stop between dance and cheerleading for half an hour of youth group because it's required for Confirmation. I asked where the other kids were going to be and she told me they'd be home with dad. She said her parents (the grandparents) are aghast. But she maintains that this is the way life is now...
If that's the case, we have a problem as a society. Those kids are in school all day and mom is gone all evening. They're running hither and yon. Dad is holding down the fort. Who is homemaking? Is home worth coming to?
It's this contrast that makes my dh think that homeschooling makes a huge difference. And he's right in a lot of ways. The girl above will have to fit homework in wherever, whenever. My children have their studies tailored around tournaments. We are together for the bulk of the day. Those kids are scattered in three different schools.
But there's a part of me that says it doesn't matter. It's not relative. I can look at my own situation and see that we are still stressed and all is not as peaceful as I'd like to be.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Elizabeth
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StephanieA wrote:
My second son will go to ALL lessons next semester with the girls (violin) because I won't drag the newborn out. I will compensate by doing a few of his chores around here.
I try to stay out of the car during the week or else school falls apart.
Blessings,
Stephanie |
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We're cross-posting Stephanie! This has been my solution too, for a time. My firstborn has very few chores any more. He helps with the driving and he does do a good bit of grocery shopping. It will get me through the newborn year but then he leaves for college and I'll once again be without a driver. A friend of mine commented the other day that homeschoolers should think twice about hiring cleaning ladies; it's really drivers we should invest in.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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guitarnan
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A wise friend in a nearby city told me she limited her kids (one of whom is my daughter's godpapa) to "Scouts Plus One." The One Other Activity could be youth group, music lessons, sports...but only one other thing. If they dropped Scouts (they didn't), they could add one other activity.
This has turned out to be a good way to limit activities. We don't always use it...at our last base (WV), we didn't need to limit so much because so many sports were within walking distance. Now, in Maryland, we're scaling back. I can't do dinner in the car every day...actually, I can't do it any day. We're all so in love with our family dinner time that it is not fun to give it up. We often have one "crunch" day where we have several things going on, and we do lots of crockpot meals on those days.
For us, one of the huge benefits of homeschooling is the flexibility to get to activities and rehearsals, and still be able to maximize our Dad Time. (Dad loves not having to get his own new cell phone - today's errand - return clothes that don't fit, take tools back to Home Depot...you get the idea...)
My husband went to work (he's only been in this office a month) today and expounded on his idea that public school is "factory school" - designed to keep parents at work and kids out of trouble, from the early Industrial Age. Amazingly, his co-workers agreed with him that schools generally don't have the ability to help children realize their true potential. When we add on the after-school things, there's no family time left.
I recently read "Take Back Your Kids," which is a really interesting book. The author, William Doherty, talks about his efforts to get parents in his home state to work together to eliminate Sunday sports matches and other activities that pre-empt family time. (There's other stuff in the book, too...it's a good read.)
In the end I think we all have to decide what is best for our individual situations. My super-bouncy daughter needs a lot of physical outlets, organized or not, and someone else's child might not need the same kinds of physical activity each week. I can't decide for you, nor can you decide for me. I do know, for myself, that when I'm feeling really overwhelmed, the first thing I do is cancel out of all "extra" events/activities. Once I've cleared my own schedule, I'm much more ready to keep up with the things that are important to our family.
It's truly a joy to have the flexibility homeschooling provides. We couldn't possibly have so much time together any other way. Having said that, I know deep down that family time has to come first...the rest is extra and we can put it aside if need be.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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StephanieA
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I can look at my own situation and see that we are still stressed and all is not as peaceful as I'd like to be.[/QUOTE]
Yes, but if they were home ALL day everyday (I am talking older teens here) this, in our family, has caused stress. For us, too much togetherness in our 3 bedroom abode can get us all on each other's nerves.
My teens needs some outside activity. Some days in the summer last year when everyone was home all day, many days in a row, things were equally as stressful, but in a different way. I think balance is important. But it will vary from family to family, child to child. Some families are just more contemplative, while other tend to be (and need to be) more active to stay less stressed. My sister can sit and knit and relieve stress. I would go nuts. I have to move outside, walk, throw balls with the kids, whatever. Then I feel so much better and less stressed.
But running crazy as many in our local private high schooler do ...well, the home life is gone. The mothers are missing out in having simple down time to talk and relax with their children. What a shame! Add to this the hours of homework. When do kids have time to discern, to think, to explore who they are and what is important to them, not to mention prayer?
When I think of this, it makes homeschooling even more appealing to me despite the large amount of work that I face each day.
Blessings,
Stephanie
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JodieLyn
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My oldest girl is 9 and oldest boy is 8. Between homeschooling, dh's job (firefighter), the area we live.. we end up with a lot of flexibility.
DH is working long long hours during the summer, and it gets cold here and there's only an outdoor public pool. So all children who can are on swim team or in swimming lessons during the summer. It's all in one place and everyone except the littlest get their turn in the pool. I may be stuck there for hours on end. But it's for a very limited 6-7 weeks. And then the pool is closed down. There's just not that much expansion that can be had for increasing the hours of swimming. So that's nice that it's limited and will remain limited even in teh high school years.
We're going to try soccer for the first time, it's probably the one sport my dh really likes and so I've agreed to fill in for him until his work slacks off enough that he can be the primary runner around of children.
But again, weather makes sure that it's a limited season.
I see the need already for my boys to have that physical outlet. Luckily we use wood heat as do many people around here.. and we'll have them out splitting wood soon as they're capable of doing so. (my 8 yr old can already split kindling).
My dh is also a runner, though he doesn't get to it much these days.. but I'm hoping that with the kids being big enough to go with him he'll pick that up with them.. we live on a dead end street and I'll send the older two out for a run to the end of the street and back when they've got too much energy to know what to do with it.
Sports isn't the only way to expend energy.
We already find that with dh's job that as long as we have the recovery time that short periods of intense activity aren't too much to deal with.
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ALmom
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I really think the key is working with dh and assessing priorities. We do not have 1 activity per child rules - but we do strive to limit outside activities. We did get sucked into too much one year and it was a disaster.
I do not think our young dc have any great needs for a lot of outside the home activities, but I do listen to and pay attention to expression of interest and we investigate how it will fit into our family dynamics as a whole.
One dd had very serious needs for outside activity. It became abundantly clear and we did need to try and meet those needs. We did some experimenting the first year we started outside the home stuff (she was about 13). Well, without thinking, we allowed other dc to do something as well and woa - we had 3 in sports. Now I have never experienced so frantic a year, trying to be 3 places at once, dc at 9 being out till 10 playing baseball, and on and on. Dh looked at me and we both knew something had to go. In the end, the boys were not terribly interested in organized sports. Was there another way for them to get physically fit? Team playing teaches something good, but was it worth it for THESE boys? Our answer was No which is not to say that someone elses would be different due to different talents, interests, needs and family dynamics.
What about our dds. Well for one, who never paid attention to whether she had walked or struck out, the answer was abundantly clear. She was having a great old time, but could care less and was not putting forth even nominal effort to make it even fair for us to ask a coach to work with her. The other dd had worked really hard, having never played ball or even seen it until age 13 and was just beginning to get to the point where she was getting some playing time. We felt we should allow one more year. She also was just beginning to get good enough on violin to play in orchestra (which we sensed would end up being her real love) so we allowed her to do this as well, with the understanding that she might have to choose eventually. She also took piano lessons - and we were unaware that she would be traveling for competitions, etc. We were still novices in the music thing. Well, it didn't take dd long to realize that she would have to choose as she was missing games for music (something that the coaches knew about and had agreed to before she played) but it was clear what would happen. After that year, she only did her music, which was plenty. It did fit in well with the family as her concerts became our school music appreciation class and we did lots of this as a family. Her brothers weren't always thrilled with going, but never felt slighted for not doing sports. Actually, one ds is actually very much of a home body for now. Until we see a need, we are not going out of our way to find something for him.
At some point one of the other boys began piano lessons (he had been a very good baseball player but didn't like the late nights, etc. and really prefers playing pick up games at the park, so though he had a great 2 years in baseball, he really does not miss it) This child actually wanted harp but that was not feasible financially or logistically (cannot see driving an 8 yo 3 hours to the nearest instructor and going to Chicago to get a correctly sized instrument) and for the moment he is very happy with piano, though we do try to take him to concerts where harps are playing. The logistics of piano were simple - he rode with his sis and had lessons after hers. I'm having to drive him this year, but it works as I bring the toddler with me and use the teachers waiting area to have story hour one on one with the toddler who loves to be on the go.
Another child took Cello, but didn't practice much. We backed off but are open minded to resuming once the school year settles, provided she is willing to really practice. We have a 6 yo that would like to take violin. We will probably start him soon, but the studio is down the street (and the other very good teacher lives very nearby as well). These dc probably won't be in orchestra unless they get really enthusiastic and we see a passion developing - and even then they may have to wait till they are a bit older before joining.
Some of the decisions have been easier this year as we now only have 1 car at home. We sent the other with dd in college for safety reasons (some things she has to do at night and the car means she doesn't have to walk in the dark). As she meets more people and has someone to count on for ride or walking with her, we'll bring the car back home. When dc have any outside activities, then I have to drive dh to work and pick him up in the evening (actually another blessing as we get a few minutes to visit before the descent of the dc greeting dad).
It was sometimes hard for me to realize that we couldn't do it all - and shouldn't try. We really are not depriving our dc when we have time at home. We do have to balance this with an honest respect for our dc talents and interest and needs. If things get too hectic, I don't feel bad about cutting back on the 6 yo. He has plenty of time later. My dh is the best guide here. If something were to change in the family situation - healthwise, new baby, etc., then we might need to re-look and re-think the plans. I no longer have a driver at home so any activities require me to drive.
We are doing co-op this year - one day a week, very inexpensive and I do story hour with the littles as my contribution so it is not very burdensome for me. It was driven by a dd desire for Latin and my awareness that we were dismal failures at attempting Latin at home. I found a tutor (really good) for $50/hour and since this price is shared by 12 students, we really have a great deal. The co-op is only once per week, but that is about all I could stand and for Latin it is better than no guidance at all and though the teacher would have preferred twice per week, we have students from over an hour away that could not come more than once per week and the teacher is working with us. It is worth it for me to let the other dc do a few things while sis is in Latin. And we actually have a volunteer mom doing a Biolgy lab and Latin class for the younger dc so it is really working out well. Even have a mom using Pudewa program for writing so I'm getting a chance to see how it works with my dc without investing mega bucks in the program. Ie this was meant to be this year. It might be something we do regularly, it might be something we do on some years and not others. We take it one year at a time.
Oh, and yes, homeschooling does allow us to preserve family time while doing these things. All of dd music lessons are during the day, so that we are at home in plenty of time to tidy, do dinner and greet dad. Only orchestra invovled one night per week (it was hard for one year before we moved nearer to other folks and we shared driving with other families). It helps that music teachers try to accomodate our schedule - we have an early afternoon time so that it is after the better part of our AM academics, yet early enough for wrap up time afterwards. It takes less than 15 minutes to get there.
We do know folks who are in so many things the family never sees each other. We had one year where we felt like we were always on the run and found ourselves praying for rain outs of baseball.  We attempted to eat together picnic style at the ball field - but it does not compare to a relaxed family dinner at home. We knew that we could not do the same thing again - and really paired down what was really needed and what was just littles discovering that there was something out there casue big sis had an activity now (she really, really needed it - dh and I knew in our hearts that this was so). She did do lots of lessons - but all were in the day, she was driving after the first year and financially contributing to these lessons so we did not feel a great need to make her scale back. When we lived further away from her teachers, she did have to limit organ lessons to once per month. (When we lived further away, she was not yet driving and I could not get school done and it was not fair to the youngers to live in the car while carting sis to all her stuff). She was required to schedule her violin and piano lessons back to back so I only made one trip per week. AFter she was driving herself, it didn't matter how she scheduled them as long as she could still do her chores and schoolwork. Would she have improved on organ more rapidly with lessons every week - of course! There were certainly those around us who could afford and had no problem with doing extensive lessons, practice, etc. We simply had to restrict what was truely not feasible for our family. She didn't start violin until 13 - so I know that if organ really becomes a love and she wants to ramp up, she can do it. It is sometimes hard when you have people around you with dc in music from age 3 (and there are arguments for ear development, etc. and sometimes you feel like your dc are being denied opportunities) but really you know that no matter how wonderful this may be for that other family, it is not good for yours. We really do have to guard our family time and our dc time for unscheduled play. None of our dc will start music that young - it just cannot happen in our family.
Janet
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hylabrook1
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Boy, do I ever know that whole pain of missing my teenage drivers! Between dd#2 and dd#3, I went for years without driving the crew to dance classes and their drama troupe. Now ds is learning to drive, but it will be beyond this school year before everyone's activities are not a major hit to me. It is a huge deal if I am not here to prepare dinner, or if I am technically *here* am too tired from the afternoon's running around to feel like doing it.
When I think of the value of being home for my family, making *home* a real home, I know they all feel more loved and more at peace when I have been available to have the laundry done and returned before dinner, etc. One friend has a policy that if her children's running takes too much of a toll out of her homemaking time, then the children need to trade extra chore time for the extra time she *loses* by driving them around. This might be one way to scratch each others' backs and still keep home going smoothly.
For me, the main problem is fatigue. This undoubtedly is more due to fibromyalgia than to too much effort on my part, but I often have to pull in a bit because otherwise I am flat out useless for way more time than I was on the go; it's a real cost/benefit thing.
There is always a temptation, I think, to have the idea that what you do with your time is not *real* because you're not punching a time clock. Flexibility is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't mean not giving any place to the very real realities of being a wife and mother. When people ask me if I *work*, I am so tempted to say, "Well, no, I don't work; I'm broken." All sarcasm aside, there is so much emphasis on output, product and not enough appreciation of the more intangible, but no less real, things that we can only give or do when we are less frenzied.
Just my random thoughts on the subject. 
Peace,
Nancy
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Meredith
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lapazfarm wrote:
I was that busy, busy Mom for awhile. Something every evening and all weekend long. But I finally decided that my children need outside activities AND a homelife. I got "drastic" and made a new rule limiting them to one outside thing each. Just one. It is working very well so far. Ds is enjoying his Karate and dd loves marching band. I drop off and dh picks up after work. This enables me to get the dinner on the table and run any errands I need as well because I do not need to wait around for them to finish their activities. For dh it is just a couple of quick stops on the way home twice per week. He is happy to do it knowing that it means I can get more done at home.
It seems to be working very well so far as I am doing better than ever at getting things done around here, getting dinner made, and having energy for my dh in the evenings. |
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This is EXACTLY what we do, to a tee  Sce the new year's activities just started back up it's going great so far, and it has been really helpful for me to be present for him when he comes in with said child from said activity, there seems to be alot less stress with this method for us! Also having meals pre-planned has been a life saver for me
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Meredith
Mom of 4 Sweeties
Sweetness and Light
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lapazfarm
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Oh, I forgot about scouts, since they slowed down so much over the summer. Ds does that, too in addition to his Karate. So, that is an exception to the "one activity only" rule as he has ALWAYS done scouts (since tigers) and hopefully always will. I guess it's more the "scouts plus one" rule like Nancy's friend. Luckily scouts is right after Karate on thursdays so it is not an extra evening out of the house.
Also, my littles do not get outside activities. I can't afford it, for one thing, and I feel it is more important for the olders.
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Theresa
us-schooling in beautiful Fairbanks, Alaska.
LaPaz Home Learning
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hylabrook1
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Well, I think God has been watching out for me! I was getting discouraged because I had not yet (in the second week of school) worked out the details of my daily schedules. I was dreading looking at the particulars of Tuesday, which was to include 3 hours out in the middle of the day with dance classes, rush home to teach Atrium, then get dd10 to children's choir, go back to the gym to get in 30 minutes of workout while waiting for dh, ds17 and dd14 to be finished with their tai chi class. You could have given me an entire year without Tuesdays and I wouldn't have been sorry!
BUT today the class list for ds's "boys' jazz" class came out, and there were 10 little boys and 3 16-17 year olds. One of these older boys' mom had decided he was planning to be out of the house too many times in the week, so the other boy asked my son whether he really wanted to do the class with "10 munchkins". Both decided NO!! Yeah!! This means a much decongested Tuesday because of the placement of that dance class in the day, as well as time for a full day of school. That, in turn, means that the rest of the school week will be less frenzied since we won't be making up for all that lost Tuesday time.
You see, there was a reason I wasn't getting around to figuring out all those details, because now I DON"T NEED TO!!! Talk about God closing doors and opening windows!!
Peace,
Nancy
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Not a rhetorical question
