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Karen E.
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| Posted: April 16 2005 at 10:16am | IP Logged
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momtomany wrote:
I've been asked if I regretted having Joseph, since we only had him for nine days and his death broke my heart. If we hadn't been open to one more, it wouldn't have happened. But his short life was a great gift to our entire family. my husband and I ...
Being open to life is painful. |
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MaryAnn,
First of all, my heartfelt condolences on your losses. I have lost five children to miscarriage, but I agree with you wholeheartedly that each and every one of those babies was a gift to our family. Each one, in some way, drew me closer to the Lord.
I lost two before we had Emily, then Elizabeth came along, and I thought we had "the miscarriage problem" under "control." When I lost three in a row after Lizzy (at ages 39/40) I thought the Lord was telling me that our baby days were over. Then came the miracle of Kate (now almost-3.) I was once again surprised by the Lord's ways.
You said, "Being open to life is painful," and again, I wholeheartedly agree. I remember talking with my priest about the losses and saying, "For me, being open to life means being open the possible death of my babies, too, if that's what God wills." And yet, I know how He uses our pain for good ... He uses it to call us Home, to call us to remember that this earth (and its pain) is not our home.... And He regularly reminds me that I will one day see my large, beautiful family in Heaven.
__________________
God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: April 16 2005 at 10:46am | IP Logged
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momtomany wrote:
| I've been asked if I regretted having Joseph, since we only had him for nine days and his death broke my heart. If we hadn't been open to one more, it wouldn't have happened. But his short life was a great gift to our entire family. |
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Mary Ann,
I can relate so much to what you've shared. I know this is getting very off-topic, but I would really like to share our own story with you. Before our youngest son was born we were pregnant with a little girl. Halfway through the pregnancy we had an ultrasound that showed abnormalities. The level II ultrasound revealed that our daughter had a very rare genetic disorder that is "incompatible with life". My husband and I never flinched about whether to continue the pregnancy. We believed with every bit of our being that we should not abort her even if her life would not be long. We spoke with our priest about what the Church teaches about medical intervention - we had just joined the church 3 months earlier and were unsure about how much to do after she was born. We decided that we would not do extraordinary medical intervention to keep her alive, and that she would be allowed to live out her life exactly as God wished it. Our doctor completely disapproved, believing it was a waste of money to continue to the pregnancy, but he complied with our wishes. We were told that she would miscarry or be stillborn. We carried her full-term. When she was born she let out a hearty cry and our doctor was clearly surprised by her health. Our priest was there for the birth and he baptised her in our room right away with our older son, her godparents and other family members present. She had a cleft palate and so could not naturally eat. We had the nurse teach us to feed her with a special bottle and we just held her and loved her for the day. Late that evening she eventually slowed her breathing until she just quietly died in our arms.
Her life has been so meaningful not in spite of it's length, but I believe because of it. She was meant to live exactly the life she lived and it had purpose exactly as it was designed. The doctor who had disapproved of the decision came to see us the next day to express his condolences and to share that his opinion of our decision had changed after having delivered our child! The staff where I worked at the time was deeply touched by our decision to let Sydney's life play out. They shared our story with their own children and began developing an attitude of life in their families. Our story of peace with the death of our child has offered support and comfort to a friend who recently struggled with the birth of her child who has life threatening defects. There are many other people who have been touched by our daughter's short life that we don't even know about. Her ability to touch people in this world has continued long after her death, and I suspect it will continue. When we let God's will be done regarding the life he entrusts us with, it can create enormous ripples of good in the world.
Now the flip side. As I've mentioned, a couple of years ago I lost my uterus and ability to have any more children. It was a very difficult time for us. We were converts to the faith and did not have any understanding of being open to life before converting. We embraced life wholeheartedly after understanding it. Then God took away our ability to welcome new life.
momtomany wrote:
Being open to life is painful. If I never have another baby, that will be sad. If I am blessed with another pregnancy, I will be stressed about the outcome. But I have to believe that this is God's way of making me grow. No matter which way it goes. But not being open to life would be to refuse God's gift, whatever it is. |
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It was my husband who understood this first. Being open to life is not just about having more children. We are called to be open to God's will regarding life. My husband realized that he was all about being open to life when it meant welcoming new life, but when God asked him to accept that there would be no more children - he was MAD! Being open to life can indeed be painful. We were failing in our openess through our anger and pain about no longer being able to carry any new life. For us, openess to life meant we had to be open to the reality that God would not ask us to serve him by carrying a child again. It can be a hard cross to bear, but I believe the ripples from this sort of openess will be broad as well...
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MichelleW
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| Posted: April 16 2005 at 12:07pm | IP Logged
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I'm sorry, I have not read all the posts (though I did read Richelle's--thank you so much for posting your story and living your story, I can feel the Holy Spirit in your life).
I wanted to mention a couple of very beautiful older women who have had such an effect on my life. Both of them raised their own children, both were 'done' long before they were ready to be done, and both have become such lovers of people (young women in particular) that they will forever be bright points of light for many many people.
I talked to one of them last year when all my doctors wanted me to get a hyterectomy at 35 (I didn't). She said that having babies and raising children is a beautiful and fulfilling honor, but that is not the final goal of our lives. Instead it is a training for what God will use us for after we have raised our children. Our lives don't end when our children learn independance, instead they are beginning in a new phase. By necessity we have had to be family focused, but then we will become focused and available to really reach out and minister to those outside of our families.
Her perspective was helpful to me. I think that it has helped me to understand and appreciate this part of my life as a phase. A phase to enjoy, and then grieve the end of, and then anticipate the next one. The next one will last at least as long and I want to use it, to follow our Holy Father's example and be useful to the end . But that also will be a phase, to enjoy, and then grieve the end of, and then anticipate the next one.
And thank you, ladies, for being who you are, for loving and obeying the voice of God and for being so honest and blessing the rest of us so much.
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Willa
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| Posted: April 17 2005 at 9:42am | IP Logged
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>>She said that having babies and raising children is a beautiful and fulfilling honor, but that is not the final goal of our lives. Instead it is a training for what God will use us for after we have raised our children. Our lives don't end when our children learn independance, instead they are beginning in a new phase. By necessity we have had to be family focused, but then we will become focused and available to really reach out and minister to those outside of our families. >>
Someone on another board said something similar, that what we learn in the hearts of our homes will eventually be what is of service to the wider community. I know that our society tends to marginalize "service" and ministry but perhaps part of our future role in society, as a group, will be to help restore society's sense of the value of the mother's ministry.
Also, I have been pondering Elizabeth's post about how we who have desired to be open to life often find ourselves mixed in tragedy... Mary Ann's and Richelle's stories show this. In a way, those who "plan" their two children and then are "done" seem to escape easily, while those who try to be generous, prudent, virtuous in the service of God through matrimony get hit by the worse things nature has to throw at us.
But I think that MUST be the point, since it IS such an obvious aspect of openness to life. Talk to any family with a Catholic sense of generosity to life, no matter what size the family is, and you will find tragedy and sorrow. I think it's almost universal. Miscarriages, health problems resulting from motherhood, disabled children, wayward children.
It made me think of Our Blessed Mother. A sword pierced her heart.... and when you think of it, unlike Our Lord Himself, she didn't sign on to this heartbreak with full fore-knowledge and perspective on the significance of what she was doing. Her choice was to accept, but what she was accepting she had no idea.... the out of wedlock pregnancy, the flight into another country, the Cross...... humiliation, discomfort, and pure pain. She knew a sword would pierce her heart later, because Simeon told her so, but none of the details were within her vision when she uttered her Fiat.
Surely this mystery of generosity is at the very heart of the meaning of motherhood and we may accept the rose and its thorns as she did. "The women will be sanctified through childbearing..." There is a notion of sacrifice and sorrow mingled with utter joy and delight in motherhood. Both the utter joy AND the sorrow would be cast aside with the "I'll have two perfect children spaced three years apart". For me, it would be like Midas' daughter's reaction to the rose he turned into gold by his touch "Oh, what an ugly, cold,lifeless thing." It looks sort of the same, it even looks "better" in a worldly sense but it's far inferior.
I absolutely loved Richelle's point about "openness to life" being sometimes accepting that God wills no more new life in your family. That is a kind of fruitfulness in itself and a very profound and significant one. Hannah and Elizabeth and Sarah in Scripture demonstrate that. For all those open to life, there will be that closed door someday. If we didn't grieve for that somewhat, wouldn't we be trying to close a door for ourselves that only God can rightly close, a door of our matrimonial receptivity? We'd be contracepting our will to be generous and open, in a way, and shutting the door to a spiritual fertility, perhaps.
Those consecrated to a religious life, by their vows, close the door to the unitive and procreative miracle of matrimony -- but open the door to something wider and deeper-- a spiritual unity and procreativity. Maybe we each have a chance to do that, too, in a different way, in our passage from our childbearing days to our days as grandparents and beyond. OR more likely we ARE doing that in our childbearing years, but the passage to the beyond-childbearing years decreases the "natural" aspect of the generosity and increases the "supernatural" aspects, at least potentially. We decrease so we can increase in Him, perhaps?
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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teachingmom
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| Posted: April 17 2005 at 10:59pm | IP Logged
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MichelleW wrote:
| Her perspective was helpful to me. I think that it has helped me to understand and appreciate this part of my life as a phase. A phase to enjoy, and then grieve the end of, and then anticipate the next one. The next one will last at least as long and I want to use it, to follow our Holy Father's example and be useful to the end . But that also will be a phase, to enjoy, and then grieve the end of, and then anticipate the next one. |
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Michelle's use of the term "phase" in connection with Elizabeth's original question makes me think of a beautiful apostolate that some friends of mine began. For those in the Washington, DC area, this coming Saturday, April 23 will be the 2nd annual Phases of Womanhood Conference. (Click on Programs and Events.) In the words of one of the organizers, the goal of the conference is to help transform society by helping women understand their authentic dignity as women and their important mission as transmitters of life and culture in each of the different phases of their lives. I will be at the conference. It may be a great way for some of you here to think and pray about these important questions.
__________________
~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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amiefriedl
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| Posted: April 18 2005 at 1:54pm | IP Logged
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Ladies,
FWIW, I have a mother-in-law who has homeschooled 3 of her 7 children back in the 70's and 80's and spent the 90's homeschooling several of her teen grandchildren through the school year and over the summers.
She even attended classes at a local community college with her grandsons (high school aged, from a family of 9 children) for some of the more scientific and advanced math courses. She would attend for 'no credit' and get in for free because she is a 'senior citizen' and be able to assist them with their homework in the afternoons. Then in the late afternoon and evenings, Grandpa would work them like dogs on the farm and they would crash in bed that night and start all over again. It was certainly a great experience (full of it's own frustrations of course  ) for them all. And the mother of the boys was able to focus on her new babies and the other hsed children at home.
It was not all peaches n'cream. Expectations were high for everyone involved and there were some very stressful moments but it worked. The boys were exposed to some 'old school' discipline that they didn't get at home and I know will shape their lives in positive manner in the years to come. And my 60+ year old mother-in-law got some free astronomy and trigenometry classes (among others) out of it! Plus it was all sort-of amusing because her grandsons were the youngest students in the classes and she was the oldest and they were both at the top of the classes, sometimes grandma held the highest and sometimes the grandson!  All the professors were amazed and went from reluctant skeptics to amused admirers!
After watching all this I am convinced there is a firm place for some grandmas (and grandpas!)in the homeschool. There are some huge 'gaps' to deal with of course when she and I discuss child rearing/schooling. My mil is always amazed by the choices I have today in materials and such. But her homeschooling style was a gradual learning curve towards much of what everyone is 'doing' here with CCM. She is why I'm where I am today. She is why I have what knowledge I have about homeschooling/Catholicism and can build from here. She does really understand the philosophies; intuitively I'd say, but she has difficulty putting her terms into a spoken philosophy with any clarity. (I know the feeling!) She and my fil are 'just prior' to pre-VatII converts and missed much of the nuts n'bolts of Catholicism from an academic point of view, but she can know truth when she hears it and she is very sensitive to souls.
She loves to tell the story of how her youngest son (now almost 30) woke up one morning (somewhere around 12yo I think) and as she discribes it, "had a thick glaze over his eyes and couldn't hear anything she said." She relates that she pounded and pounded to get through the 'glaze' for a few weeks and then just decided one day to toss in the towel. She says "I just sent him outside with his Dad to work and about a year later the glaze lifted and we picked right up and moved right on." He went on in later years to score a 99/100 on his GED, a went on to college and a nice professional career in computers. He is still an avid reader and self-learner and is even working very hard at this time to change careers and become 'self-employed'. I remind myself of that story often when I'm 'freakin out' about teaching my kids.
I probably don't talk to her enough. As a in-law, I sometimes really enjoy my 'familial autonomy' but I have too much of a 'wall built up' anyhow and need to open up. But those are separate issues  , but of course food for thought for us future mother-in-laws!
Sorry to ramble, but I figured some of you might enjoy my mother-in-law's experiences and stories in this midlife topic. You all are very important to your children and their future spouses. The knowledge and experiences and stories you have will save souls in the near future and for generations to come.
Gotta run and plant some strawberry plants before it storms. Hope I've made sense here.
__________________
In Christ the King through Mary our Mother,
Amie
Blessed with an awesome hubby and Mom of ds10, dd7, dd3 and dd 10months.
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tovlo4801
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| Posted: April 18 2005 at 6:11pm | IP Logged
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amiefriedl wrote:
| Sorry to ramble, but I figured some of you might enjoy my mother-in-law's experiences and stories in this midlife topic. |
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I for one really enjoyed hearing this story. I think someone said this earlier, but it really helps to give a possible "picture" for what's ahead. Thanks for sharing this!
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LittlefarmMom
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| Posted: April 26 2005 at 12:53pm | IP Logged
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Hello, Faithful Moms.
(I couldn't find this thread from the list of topics, so I went in another way, and now I hope this thing I'm typing shows up in the right place ... )
I want to tell you two things I've learned (among many) in this my first year of not homeschooling.
1. Just as it is necessary for conventionally schooled kids to have a year of de-schooling before the home school will run well and happily, I've found that I am needing the same kind of transition time. I need time to adjust to arranging my life around a different set of goals each day - a changed set of necessaries and a changed set of possibilities. Allowing myself to take the time seems to be essential to this transition. (Even though the kids leave pretty much one at a time, the adjustment when the house has only me in it feels like the most startling adjustment.)
2. And (this one took some figuring out) I must not be an idolator and worship the gift instead of the Giver. I am a mom, but my job as a mom is to make myself unnecessary in the lives of my children - so I prepare them to fly the nest, and cheer them on as they do it (even if they're making decisions that are scary to me to watch) and I don't ever "worry" to anyone but their Dad. Worrying to the child, whether or not you're out loud and explicit about it, utterly undermines the child's confidence. It's very destructive, I think.
And I am a wife. When the kids are gone, here's this man I married. And every moment I ever spent putting him and my relationship to him at the very top of the priority list before this moment has been time and money well invested. It seemed through the years as if I didn't have the leisure to "ignore" the kids, or house, or other outside commitments in order to pay attention to my marriage and my man. But I'm so very glad I did it anyway. Otherwise, here we'd be --- and I wouldn't know him.
And mostly, firstly, and eternally, I am a child of God. Raising kids was an important way for me to learn sanctification, contentment, trust, obedience in vocation ... and it has been necessary for these developing humans to have the best I was capable of giving.
BUT - hanging on to the beautiful childhoods of my kids is idolatry, pure and simple. Raising them was not an end in itself - it was a means to my holiness and for better or worse, it was their launching pad into their own lives and vocations. But it wasn't the goal. It was the means.
When the baby days are over, you've got kids to nourish and raise and equip. When the kid days are over (for each kid, and for the parents), you've got the young adulthood of teen years for practicing Real Decisions and such things. And when the teen days are over, you've got a new adult who will be required by God to serve Him first, love Him best, and love their neighbors.
And then what? What's a mom to do when there are no more daily, daily, daily necessities of child rearing? She comes to the God who has loved her into her own "adult" years through the training ground of active motherhood, and she waits and listens and loves. She finds the things she has been being prepared to do (even things she was utterly unaware of), and she sets an example of trust and contentment.
More musings later, if y'all can stand it. I must get on with the things this new life of mine asks me to do today - just know that if you have a habit over the years of being supple and pliant under the mighty hand of God, in due time he will exhalt you. Just keep saying "Behold the handmaid of the Lord," and you will know what there will be to do.
Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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Leonie
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| Posted: April 26 2005 at 5:14pm | IP Logged
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Stephanie,
I am SO glad to hear from you.
Al throughout this conversation, I wondered if you were there and would step in. I have been thinking about you and how your life must be different right now. I knew you would offer some wisdom fom one in the throes of this situation.
Thank you for your thoughts!
Leonie in Sydney
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LittlefarmMom
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| Posted: April 27 2005 at 9:45am | IP Logged
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>>Just for kicks, I flipped through an issue of More (for women who are forty or more) at the doctor's office recently. There were two very interesting articles on how and why to get divorced. Sigh. The culture again. There are plenty of midlife books with a new-age spin. No, thank you. Where are the resources on embracing this next stage from a Godly perspective? Anybody know? Anybody have thoughts on aging gracefully? <<
Elizabeth,
As has been the case on many an occasion, you and I are wondering the same thing at the same time (and usually about ten mountaintops before we need THAT map, but, as I tell people all the time, "I'm a planner!")
I went to a silent retreat at a convent this past weekend. (Something I did not have the leisure to do when there were kids to school.) The topic was old age, prayers of intercession, and usefulness in the kingdom of God. So ... now I'm back again, here with the most faithful moms I know of, to give you all a bit of what I saw up that part of the mountain.
Like I said yesterday, our time of active motherhood is a means, not an end. This is a really important point because so many of us were overcoming a big pile of crud to get to the homeschooling life. Once we've got it in hand, it seems to us like a foretaste of paradise (although we hope paradise will have fewer loads of laundry and perhaps a more easily cleaned bathroom in it). We get so that we never want to leave!
There are so many joys, and when a woman has given herself body and soul to her vocation of motherhood, she can accidentally slip into believing that nursing the babies and snuggling with the toddlers and challenging the minds of the growing teens is "hers" - she owns it. It belongs to her. --- But that is a lie of the devil. The blessing is good ... but it is not God.
One of the first signs that we're starting this form of idol worship happens before the first child really strikes out in some sort of independent life. Do we feel somehow saddened and personally deprived when we have to stay home from something the child is doing? Maybe it's a piano lesson or a baseball game. Maybe it's a class for homeschooling kids at the library. Or a visit with grandma or the neighbor. But Mom has to stay home because there are other things calling her - babies, laundry (always laundry), illness, other children needing more attention at the moment ... it could be anything.
And suddenly she feels left out! Up til then, she'd been a witness to that child's life. She'd shared in each part of it because she insisted on being awake and aware at the birth, nursing that child when the child needed it, not allowing it to scream piteously for her in a child care facility or dumping him off at the babysitter's while she went to pursue her own life carrying a briefcase or a laptop. And now he's disappeared off the radar. poof. Just like that. She can't see and hear him, and she feels a fear rise up, and mostly, in the end, she feels hurt. Left out. Like the big sister who can't be tossed into the air by her Daddy anymore because she's gotten too big. So she stands and watches while he tosses her little brothers.
That's the moment.
Beware at that moment. The devil is ready to lure you.
See, the problem is that the grief is genuine, understandable, natural, and right. Your baby is growing up, and you're doing exactly what you should be doing. You're making yourself unnecessary to this budding person. But you had an emotional stake in this that made you so good at the job. And this is a real loss.
So, grieve. Feel the sadness. Don't pretend that it's not there, don't try to make it go away by butting into the child's life and taking over all opportunities for "masterly inactivity" or experiences that didn't include you. (Let the child share with you - don't make him feel responsible for keeping you in the emotional loop. It's his experience - let him have that.)
And when you grieve, bring your tears to Jesus. Talk to the Blessed Mother (she experienced a bit of pain of her own regarding her Child, after all, and still remained supple and pliant in God's hand). Shed a few tears in the arms of your husband - like when the child was weaned, or learned to walk. This good thing still makes a mommy sad.
But never, never, never, never, never give that child the impression in any way, by any word, or sigh, or look, or action, that you do not want his independence.
This is much more destructive than we know. Most of us went off to conventional school, and learned to pay attention to everything but our own families from a very early age. But our kids have been with us! And they're tuned like violin strings to our moods, our tones of voice, our desires, and our pains. When a child who is acting in a responsible, happy, and independent way sees that his mother is in pain AT ALL, he is likely to stop what he is doing. So ... if he sees it, reassure him that you're just bein' the mom. You'll get over it. Really and truly, you're pround of his (or her!) strength and capabilities, and you'll love to hear all about it when he's done going away and doing.
Okay.
That's enough for today. As you can see, I've got a veritable book inside of me on this topic, so I won't blast you all away with all these thoughts. I'll think 'em, and I'll type 'em, little by little, and you women go do your laundry and revel in the blessings still underfoot.
Off to my new life's responsibilities!
Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: April 27 2005 at 10:03am | IP Logged
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LittlefarmMom wrote:
One of the first signs that we're starting this form of idol worship happens before the first child really strikes out in some sort of independent life. Do we feel somehow saddened and personally deprived when we have to stay home from something the child is doing? Maybe it's a piano lesson or a baseball game. Maybe it's a class for homeschooling kids at the library. Or a visit with grandma or the neighbor. But Mom has to stay home because there are other things calling her - babies, laundry (always laundry), illness, other children needing more attention at the moment ... it could be anything.
But never, never, never, never, never give that child the impression in any way, by any word, or sigh, or look, or action, that you do not want his independence.
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But, nope, that's not it. I routinely miss all sorts of things, mostly because there are so many of them that I can't be everywhere. And when my children are four, they go away with my husband on a plane to a destination of their choosing. And then, they do it again every year. The first time is a bit of a tear-jerker, but I help them pack, buy the duffel bag that marks the rite of passage and celebrate their coming and going. This year, the three biggest went to England. Next year, they will go to Germany for a month.
When my sixteen-year-old got his driver's license, I had no problem letting him drive. Last weekend, he drove himself to a university six hours away for an admission tournament. I think I'm a big independence-encourager.
I think my problem has been a lack of imagination. I just have not spent much time pondering what the next stage holds. I had no vision of myself that didn't include a baby on my hip. Perhaps, one day, I will learn to stand up straight .
When I think of them leaving, I do hope they won't go far, but that's as much for them and for their siblings as for me. I want Katie to have the same sense of a big family and great big brothers when she is ten as she does now. When she ten, Michael will be 24 and Christian will 21. They won't be part of her daily world but I do hope they won't be 3000 miles away either.
YOu've given me much to think about, Stephanie.I'm glad you joined us. And you are right; I do tend to think about these things way before it's necessary.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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LittlefarmMom
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| Posted: April 27 2005 at 11:52am | IP Logged
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Oh, Elizabeth!
(I'm up to my usual tricks, as you see.  ) I need to re-speak myself. I wasn't meaning anyone in particular (or any part of your post in particular), regarding this matter of hanging on too tightly to the active years of our kids' childhoods --- this is just the beginning of the train of thought, barely chuffing out of the station at this point. I'm looking back over the years of what all has happened here, in my life, and seeing where I had to get past the bumps in the road. The first signs of independence are the first bump for me. (For some women, it's the other way, I've noticed. They have a very hard time with the DEpendence of their babies. But I loved that part.)
Now, I want to say ... how COOL is THAT?! Your kids get all these little rites of passage, all leading to genuine independence, and what cool, fun stuff they get to do! They'll be able to share all these memories when they'll "old" (like us ) and the family gets together. "Remember when I went with Dad and I was sick the whole time?" Dad'll say, "I sure do."
>>I think my problem has been a lack of imagination. I just have not spent much time pondering what the next stage holds. I had no vision of myself that didn't include a baby on my hip.<<
That's exactly what I've been going through too - for quite awhile now. For that thought (the "What Will This Day Be Like, I Wonder ..." part of Maria's new life outside the Convent) --- let me tell you one thing. When you get there, you will see it. You are still you, and you are becoming more and more you while you grow and change and grieve and adapt and learn in the vocation of your active motherhood. Really and truly. This is at least in part, I think, what the Apostle was talking about when he said that women would be saved through the bearing of children. When we do it right, it turns us into who we were made to be. And then, when the kids venture out into their lives, we look in the mirror, and we say, "Oh, hi! I know you."
More thoughts later.
Stephanie
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Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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LittlefarmMom
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>>Like Elizabeth, I do not have real life role model of this stage and future stages in life. Like Elizabeth, I turn to books to help me formulate a picture of this vocation. For me, this is often fiction.
Leonie in Sydney<<
Leonie, I've been thinking about this too. You know the fiction role model who's been coming most to my mind lately? The Grandmother in _Pilgrim's Inn_, _The Bird in the Tree_, and _The Heart of the Family_, by Elizabeth Goudge. I think about her ministry of intercession, and bearing the burdens of her family, and how she was very, very careful not to intrude ... and how she amazed her daughter-in-law by being able to quiet the children and be heard, without raising her voice at all.
I too am building a literal and physical "place" where I hope my family will be able to come and mend and rest when their lives get to be too much for them. I too want to bear quietly the burdens of other people, taking on my more worn shoulders the burdens of the present and making things easier for them by ... um ... by just "being."
I think that's one thing we miss in our modern, busy world. We miss (pass by, gloss over, don't notice) the fact that those who know how to just Be (be contented, be trusting, be deeply satisfied) are like emotional and spiritual ballast to the ships of others.
Anyway, I like Grandmother.
Stephanie
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Stephanie in Stevenson, WA
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Elizabeth
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I've been thinkging about the role model thing. I like Laura Bush: graceful, feminine, poised, still nurturing in different ways. Not a complete picture, of course, but a nice beginning.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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teachingmom
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LittlefarmMom wrote:
One of the first signs that we're starting this form of idol worship happens before the first child really strikes out in some sort of independent life. Do we feel somehow saddened and personally deprived when we have to stay home from something the child is doing? Maybe it's a piano lesson or a baseball game. Maybe it's a class for homeschooling kids at the library. Or a visit with grandma or the neighbor. But Mom has to stay home because there are other things calling her - babies, laundry (always laundry), illness, other children needing more attention at the moment ... it could be anything.
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Like a weekend Ignatian retreat? I was away in early March on one. When I called home at one point, dh told me that my oldest two children were invited to go skiing with a cousin the next day. We have never skied with the children. We have hopes of doing it one day, but with the pregnancies and babies, it just hasn't happened yet. What a great gift from my brother and sister-in-law! But . . . skiing! Without me? I felt so left out. I wanted to see the excitement on their faces as they flew down the hill the first time. And be there for the inevitable falls. I was worried for their safety. How could they possibly be safe engaging in such a risky activity without me right there with them?!! I can tell you that it was with extreme effort (and many prayers for their safety)that I composed my thoughts and was able to put the girls in God's hands and continue the retreat well.
LittlefarmMom wrote:
And suddenly she feels left out! Up til then, she'd been a witness to that child's life. She'd shared in each part of it because she insisted on being awake and aware at the birth, nursing that child when the child needed it, not allowing it to scream piteously for her in a child care facility or dumping him off at the babysitter's while she went to pursue her own life carrying a briefcase or a laptop. And now he's disappeared off the radar. poof. Just like that. She can't see and hear him, and she feels a fear rise up, and mostly, in the end, she feels hurt. Left out. Like the big sister who can't be tossed into the air by her Daddy anymore because she's gotten too big. So she stands and watches while he tosses her little brothers.
That's the moment.
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So, how did you read my heart so clearly, Stephanie? Is it a universal experience? I think in general I passed the test of that moment. Only God (and my husband to an extent) knew how difficult that sacrifice was.
Your musings are a good reminder to me that I will face this again . . . and again . . . and again. This is really only the beginning for my family. Does it always hurt? Or is it sort of like strenthening a muscle, where it gets easier and easier?
It's good to "see" you again, Stephanie.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Leonie
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Stephanie and Elizabeth,
I am also in the path of collecting role models. 
I like Mrs Austin in the Meet the Austins series by Madeleine L'engle.
I am interested in how Helen Hegener, from HEM, is still involved in her grown children's lives, still promoting home education and has carved out a lifestyle for herself and her dh together in this new stage of adulthood/mothering.
Someone posted a list of married saints to the CCM list and I want to follow up on these, read some more, find more role models.
Leonie in Sydney
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4Real Forums : St. Anne's Tearoom: Growing in Wisdom over 40
Topic: Midlife
