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Maggie
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| Posted: March 07 2013 at 12:49pm | IP Logged
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My dear sisters in Christ,
Please pray for me. My heart is hurting so much. My parish priest (and spiritual director) made some very stinging comments about my children to me yesterday.
I had brought up how distracted I was at Mass because a dear friend of mine sits in the front row with her 3 young children. Meanwhile, she is nursing and her toddler won't sit still. Her 5 year old tries to help mama, but it's no use. The 2 year old has her own agenda.
This is normal for this family, and she sits in the front row because her Confessor asked her to stay there for her children's sake. She obeys. But others don't know this.
At the same time, others throw nasty glares and sighs in their direction during Mass...which throws me, and I start to seethe inside I sit further back in row 6-10, depending on the day. My friend has been approached several times by others and told to take her children out of the sanctuary.
I was asked to move to the back of the church.
There are other families who come--but will only sit at the back.
It seems that unless you have perfectly behaved children, you are not welcome towards the front.
While I completely understand the sanctity of the Mass, I have to believe that Our Lord came to us in the helpless form of an infant...who became a toddler...who became a young child. And when He said, "let the little children come to me", I believe He meant it.
There were other more stinging personal comments that were made regarding my daughter misbehaving and then "piously presenting herself for communion." My priest asked if she thought she could fool anyone?
I said of course she does. But she is 7. But she is aware of her faults...and she has a very difficult time with self-control and can get very loud at Mass. It is mortifying. But dh and I think she has an emotional disability and have yet to speak to her pediatrician about this...but often, we believe she has the emotional capabilities of a 2-3 year old.
I was in tears all of yesterday.
My child's sins are outward expressions of her disobedience and disrespect. How many of us before Mass, during Mass, after Mass since in our hearts and minds, of a worse nature than that of a child, and yet we still present ourselves to Communion! We don't receive because we are worthy. We are unworthy of Him! And yet, we have unbounding trust in His Love and Mercy.
I couldn't convey that yesterday. I was so hurt and needed time to think.
But it hurts to hear such things said...and to hear the comments of others.
But in their critical comments, no one has said, "May I help you?".
No one knows the personal struggles inside owns home...or reasons one may need to be at Mass...--and how easy it would be to stay home and not drag my children to Mass.
I do not want commentary on whether children should or should not be in the sanctuary. I believe that is best left to the family's discretion.
At this point, I can't take any more criticism. Please...don't reply if there is anything of that nature to be said.
I merely am asking for a St. Michael prayer.
There is more at work here than a few families who are being told to sit in back or leave.
Your prayers are appreciated as I craft a well thought out and prayerful letter to my pastor. I need to set aside all pride and really think this through.
At the same time, I am so very hurt. Please pray for me and my priest.
Thank you.
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St. Ann
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I am so sorry Maggie!  I will keep your intentions in my prayers!
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SeaStar
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Oh, Maggie, this is so hard
It is so individual from priest to priest as to what they can handle going on in the front row. I have been taken aside by a priest and asked NOT to sit in the back with my wiggly kids... he hated to see families hiding in the back just because of less than perfect behavior.
But our current priest has taken me aside and specifically asked us NOT to sit in the very front row. He is very easily distracted and loses his place in the mass when there is a lot of action going on. He is a former pediatrician, so he can't help watching all the kids.
It sounds as if your priest doesn't understand the nature of kids.. how they are a work in progress.
I will pray!!
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Aagot
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Maybe this is why, in the extraordinary form, the priest has his back to the congregation  Seriously though, your fellow parishioners and priest need to work on being nice and concentrating better on their own business! It is a good thing I am not you as I know I would explode at him. My prayers for you and all involved.
Eta, I would also ask him " Are you trying to get us to leave the Church? Because it sure seems like it!"
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pumpkinmom
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Praying for you and your children and also your parish.
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Betsy
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I am praying your you! This is a cross that our family has had to bear over the years, as well!
I really don't have great pearls of wisdom...but I will share a few things that I have helped me.
:: I always try to approach these situations with humility. This has take 10 years of working on...because I began stubbornly insisting that I have as much right as anyone to be at Mass! I now KNOW that I and my children do have the right to be at Mass, but I choose to be humbled and often remove my children.
::I heard a homily once that changed my entire approach to attending Mass. His homily highlight that our sole purpose for attending Mass is to WORSHIP OUR LORD. That is our obligation, to worship Our Lord. It's not to be feed, or "get anything out of it", it's not to be edified by a great homily, it's not to have our spirits raised by beautiful hymns, it's to worship Our Lord. God will not be out done in generosity, and we often DO often receive many noticeable graces at Mass through the homily, music, readings, Eucharist, etc. But that is secondary or a gift not the goal.
So, now when I approach Mass I go with the attitude to worship Our Lord. The Lord knows my heart. He knows that I would love to sit in prayerful peace and worship by soaking up every word and image that is offered at Mass. However, I must accept the life that the Lord has given me. Often He has called me to worship while standing in the back of Mass, or sitting out side for the entire Mass in a little grotto.....of even spend the time in the car where it is warmer and safer. I am often called to miss communion. I do not know WHY our Lord wants me to Worship in this manor, but I trust that this is what my soul needs. Will He not see my obedience to what has been placed before me? Will I not be as bless as if I had heard that great homily or sang those wonderful hymns? I hope so. I will be honest, it doesn't often feel that way! But, my "dark night" of Mass attendance will be part of my salvation....I am sure!
::Everyone will have their own way to dealing with these types of situations. Mine is my own. Part of what I do it what I need to do to now protect my children from comments and myself. Take this to prayer the Lord will show you how he wishes you to worship Him. :)
::If my Faith depended on the cutting and cruel comments I have recieved within sight of the tabernacle I would never be Catholic.  If I think on them they still hurt even though most of them were years ago...but then I try to turn my energy to our Lord being crowned with thorns and mocked when he *was* and *is* GOD! He understands. Or, our Blessed Mother who had to watch her Son suffer when he had done nothing to deserve it.
Maggie, if my comments aren't supportive or haven't transcended the strange email effect of often becoming distorted...please delete them. I *want* to be the lady at Mass that takes your 2 year old and walks when them in the back so you can have a break!
Again, I will keep you in my prayers as this issue is so near and dear to my heart! 
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amyable
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No advice, but prayers and
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Claire F
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I'm sorry you are in this situation .
A few months ago, I was at mass with my kids and my husband couldn't be there. My kids are wiggly, but nothing too terrible most of the time. But this day, they all were at their worst. They'd asked to sit in the front row, and someone came up to us during communion and asked us to move to the back. I was horrified. For one thing, mass was so close to being over, and at that point I had finally wrangled them all into their seats. They weren't in anyone's way. I figured we were almost done, we'd make it to the end. After this person approached me, I felt my eyes well up with tears and decided to just leave.
I ended up emailing our pastoral associate, who is a friend of mine, and telling her what happened. What bothered me so much was the lack of an offer of help. And, as I told her, what if it hadn't been me? What if it had been a new family who wasn't so sure about attending mass? How many families are driven away because they already feel the pressure of having well behaved kids in mass? Our family is well established in our parish; we aren't going to leave because an usher told me to move. But another family might.
What occurred to me in the midst of my experience is that we, as a Church, are called to be open to life. I don't believe that only applies to married couples. I believe that applies to everyone. That means we should be open to supporting the young families in our parishes. We should welcome children into mass and assume that families will come with their children. Yes, they can be distracting and parents have a responsibility to do their best to regulate (or contain)their childrens' behavior. But the rest of the Church family needs to be open to this life as well. We can't expect families to have children and then punish those families at mass when the children are just that - children.
You are in my prayers!
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Claire
Mom to DS 12/04, DS 5/07, DD 8/09
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Pilgrim
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Prayers, and hugs, Maggie! Thank you for the reminder to not judge, and see beyond what we see on the outside of people! I often feel the Holy Spirit reminding me of this when I feel the little small spirit of judgement trying to creep up, whether at Mass, stores, anywhere. I thank God for the whispering of the Holy Spirit telling me to pray for those who are struggling, no matter what the situation that I see that causes my mind to start judging.
It is so hard to be a parent of children at Mass. Like Betsy said, one wants to be able to just be in the Lord's Precious Presence, and be fed, but we are called as parents to offer up so much, and we pray that Our Lord sees and will someday reward us. Sometimes when I look at the YEARS still ahead in having to walk the back of church for others' sakes to keep a babbling little one quiet, I want to cry, but yet, like Besty so beautifully said, this is where God has put us, this is what He has asked of us! His grace will help us through this time, and one day we WILL be looking back on these times in our lives, and no longer be traveling this moment of difficulty.
May God help you to calm your spirit and approach this with the best charity you can. God bless you for loving His precious gift to you in your daughter, in spite of the great difficulties present there. It is SO not easy to parent a child with such difficulties/differences, esp. when said child's behaviors stand out in a public place like Mass.
Dh has often said (I think it was something he read from Dr. Dobson, or someone very similar), "You can have the best parents, giving it their all, and badly behaved children, and the parents get blamed as being bad parents. Then you can have lousy parents, who happen to be blessed with very well-behaved children, and the parents get all the credit". This has become something we have made a very good reminder for ourselves, as we have some dear friends who have 5 very challenging and needy children, and unfortunately so many people have turned them out and criticized them greatly, even their in-laws, sadly. It has at times been difficult to fight being drawn it no thinking this way of them, or even talking this way about them, with everyone else pretty much shunning them, but by the grace of God we came to see the truth, that they try very hard to be good parents, are very good Catholics, and are some of the most faithful people we know. We may differ from them in our family ways, but that is so with *everyone*! No one's methods are perfect, no one family is the same, we all need to be channels of grace to each other!
And, as Betsy said, if anything I have said doesn't sound right, or you feel hurt by it, due to the wrong way words sometimes come across online/in emails, please don't take them that way, just chalk it up to me not being able to say it right!
May Our Lord and Our Lady hold you close in their tender embraces as you bear this trial!
Our Lady, Help Of Christians, please pray for us!
Our Lady of Sorrows, you stood by as your Son, Perfection Incarnate, suffered from every manner of humiliation, injustice, and physical abuse, please pray for dear Maggie, and help her heart to see what to do rightly in this situation!
St. Nicholas, patron saint of children, please intercede for them!
Mary, Seat of Wisdom, please pray for us!
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3ringcircus
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Praying for you very much.
I have a 7yo boy who has some of the behaviors you mention in your daughter. He is clearly beyond the age where a typical child can sit calmly for the duration, but there are still some masses where he is very active and can be downright distracting if you happen to look our way. Add to that my two younger boys, and it's just a ticking time bomb many weeks. We sit in the front so that they can see and learn to understand what's going on. Recently we have been saved by the Children's Liturgy, and usually attend as a family (they leave during the readings and homily and return during the offertory, after having participated in a simpler version of the Mass readings). Anyway, it is certainly humbling and stressful a good 50% of the time that we attend. And that is without having heard criticism or directives about where to sit. I often repeat to myself, "let the little children come to me", and "where do they think the next priests are going to come from if the active little boys aren't welcome to fully participate? (I have boys, but this pertains to girls as well)"
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stellamaris
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Dear Maggie, I am praying for you, your pastor, and all of your fellow parishioners. May the Holy Spirit fill you all with humility, patience, and true love for one another. This is such a heavy cross for you especially--so painful! Please know I will keep you in my prayers this week.
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Servant2theKing
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Praying for you, Maggie.
Our Lord loves you and your precious children, wherever you may be!
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guitarnan
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Maggie, I so know how you feel! My children were born nearly 6 years apart, but they each possessed an amazing amount of wiggly energy, and even when they were past the toddler/nursery school age, we had our moments at Mass - many moments. And for many of those moments, there was only me to keep two active children interested in the Mass...my husband was deployed. It's so hard. I used to pray, "God, I got here. I'm sorry if that turns out to be the best I can do today." Often, it really was the best I could do. Homily? Readings? Kinda missed those...but we parents must do our best, and I know that is what you are doing!
You are in my prayers, and your priest is, too. Most especially, I will try to remember the critical folks in all parishes in my intentions. May Our Lord open their hearts to the special joy we can all obtain by being near young children as they learn to love Jesus!
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Booksnbabes
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Keeping all involved in prayer. Praying to St. Michael, Our Lady, and the Holy Spirit.
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dinasiano
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[QUOTE=Maggie]
How many of us before Mass, during Mass, after Mass since in our hearts and minds, of a worse nature than that of a child, and yet we still present ourselves to Communion! We don't receive because we are worthy. We are unworthy of Him! And yet, we have unbounding trust in His Love and Mercy.
Maggie,
I never thought of it in this way. Thank you!! You have given me something to ponder today. It's so true- I have done so myself unfortunately.
I am logging off and saying some prayers for you- will say St. Michaels Prayer and others.
God Bless you and your beautiful family :))
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mariB
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Dear Maggie...praying!
Know this...the Lord knows the heart and that is all that matters. We live in a world where everyone is so quick to judge! May you find peace in Him, the One who saves us, the One who loves us, the One who wants us to come to Him...not because we are blameless...but because of His all -encompassing love for us.
"Love is patient. Love is kind"...1 Corinthians 13
Meditate on this today. I will, too, along with you.
In Christ,
Marianne
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Angie Mc
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Maggie, deep breath and know that you are not alone .
Find a way to be respectful and responsible in your given situation.
Find a way to protect yourself and your children from hurt feelings and to quickly dismiss them when they happen.
Strip down to the very basics.
Give your attention to what you can control. It is OK to walk away from engaging in outer conflict. Turning to your inner life and the inner life of your children is "doing something" even if it is not visible.
We are all asked to suffer. It's how we learn how to accept the suffering that helps us to grow closer to God and our loved ones.
I am writing these words to myself, too, Maggie. When two or more gather to pray, we are heard
Love,
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SallyT
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I am praying for you, Maggie. I too have had restless children, beyond the age when many other children have acquired the self-control to sit (seemingly) perfectly, and while no one has ever been unkind to me at Mass (rather the opposite, for which I am thankful), I know all too well what a sensitive spot this can be. We have also had a priest, who is very pastoral, good, and dear to us, misconstrue some difficulties one of my sons was having with Confession as "not thinking that he's a sinner." Fortunately my husband was the one who had that conversation -- he's so much better than I am at thinking and seeing clearly in the moment and finding the right words to respond. I would have been tongue-tied, and then later boiling over with all the things I'd wish I had said . . . somehow not being able to have it out charitably face to face, at the time, does lead to such magnification of emotions, at least for me!
And I am praying for you right now. God love you.
Sally
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Mimip
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Maggie,
You have had such sage advice in this thread. Know that I am praying for you.
You know I have developed a habit that might help you. (BTW if it doesn't just ignore it  ) I too am very easily distracted by others in the Mass. All of us are unique when it comes to this but I started to do something about it.
When a mom and little kids start to get my attention I say a prayer to the Holy Spirit FOR THE PERSON.
Maybe the Holy spirit gives mom more patience to deal with a child, or maybe gives her an idea that will help. I don't know but it helps me "do" something and then get my mind back to Mass.
If its a mom with kids, very often I ask for the intercession of the children's guardian angels. It's just a quick prayer but I beg the angels to help their parents. I got the idea from a friend who very wisely told me that the angels wanted to adore Christ too so if the children were well behaved in church they could do just that. It has worked miracles on many instances!
I also say a guardian angel prayer with my own children before we get out of the car every Sunday before Mass. At the beginning, I would explain the exact same thing: their guardian angels wanted to spend time adoring Christ, NOT reminding them to behave well so please help their them do just that.
Just an idea and please know that this Sunday, Maggie your intentions will be on my heart and in my prayers.
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Mimi
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JodieLyn
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What a lovely idea Mimi.
Restless children are difficult.. what's hard for me to deal with is when we get the frowns and muttering and such when a child does something that every adult there might do: shift in the seat, cough, blow their nose.. it's like children must not make any sound at all or they're "out of order". And Mimi, your idea is perfect for that too.
I've been taking small children to Mass for so long that I have more trouble with concentrating on the Mass when I don't have the children with me. 
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: Unwelcome at Mass
