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JennGM
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My mother has said over the years that God helps pick our Advent and Lent penances. I have found this true. I have resolutions, but there are things that happen that are "out of our control." My father got sick right after Thanksgiving, my friend's baby died -- all things that required Christian charity, but an upsetting of the routines. That affects the children.
I know with me I'm super sensitive to noise and atmospheres, and my boys are the same. I can't keep them in a tunnel. The Christmas "stuff" is everywhere we go. And it excites them. It brings back such lovely memories, and they can't wait to see it unfold.
After the Advent wreath was pulled out, my oldest pulled out all the hymnals to sing all the Advent hymns he knew, and then start practicing the Christmas carols. It's been a joy to hear him playing on the piano and singing. I have kept the outside music to the minimum, but they keep the music in their hearts. Sometimes it can be loud. 
When they get "crazy" for my boys they literally are so excited inside they don't know what to say or do, so they just are bouncing off the walls. The talking is non-stop at those times. That's when if we are home we can have the downtime to calm down. It's just not in the little person to know what they are feeling and how to control it.
And so much of it starts with me -- because *I* am affected by all this extra "stuff" and "noise".
Sally, your comment about the college girl brings back memories. My mother used to say she hated the line in "It's Beginning to Look a Like Christmas" -- "And mom and dad can hardly wait for school to start again." She loved having us around. But she admitted that when we were in school, it takes a while to detox the child. Not detox in a bad way, but when you're in school, your responsibility is about you. When you go home, that shifts a little, and you have to work things out for the family. Homeschooling makes that easier.
And then we started going to college, when we were completely from home, completely on our own, and basically, selfish. Coming home was hard on the family because we weren't fitting in because we wanted "our" way. It took a while to readjust back into the family. It always did happen, but hard on everyone else.
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JennGM
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JodieLyn wrote:
JennGM wrote:
| My family did the midnight mass routine. DH is an early to bed person and its not his tradition. I loved it though. |
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You know, DH's dad is very early to bed. He spent so many years getting up at 4am to get to work that for Christmas he'd just get a good nap in and then get up and get dressed for Midnight Mass.
I definately understand it not working though. It's funny sometimes the least change can make it "too hard". We had an 11pm Mass on Christmas Eve a couple of years and it just didn't work for me.. it was too early (of all funny things) we'd get home and the kids wouldn't settle down well, not like after Midnight Mass. But with my family (not Catholic) being local Christmas Morning Mass at 9am is also real hard to work with. I'm glad we have our Midnight Mass back.  |
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I don't like "fitting in" Christmas Mass. Morning mass doesn't work well, so we've been doing evening Mass. It's my annual cross, because those are the children's masses whereever we have visited, they are PACKED, and the music isn't like midnight Mass. I'd love to have a 9 or 10 pm...even a 7 pm. 4:30 and 5:30 just are the worst times of day for our family, and to make it Christmas in a packed church, I just feel it's not giving the Christ Child the adoration He deserves!
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juliana147
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Jenn, I love midnight Mass, too. But it does not work for my family, for a number of reasons.
Here is what I do:
Check your tv listings for Christmas Eve. In almost every town I've been in, Midnight Mass with the Holy Father is broadcast at around 11 PM.
This is my time to reconnect with the Lord, the Holy Father, and Rome. I am the only one who stays up. I pour myself a cup of tea, cuddle under a big blanket, and pray. I turn out all the lights except the Christmas tree, to help me focus on the Mass.
It has become *my* special tradition. It's ok that it doesn't work for the rest of the family. It is a little quiet space of time that I can see the beautiful decorations at St. Peter's, hear the voices of the choir, and really take to heart the Pope's message to us each year.
I don't know if it would work for you, but I thought I'd mention it as an option. It might even work if you are out of town, visiting family, if you keep the volume down!
eta: of course, this is in addition to attending a regular Mass with my family!
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JennGM
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When we're home for Christmas, we watch it before Mass, DVR it, and then dh and I watch when the kids go to bed. It's our tradition, too.
And I'll play Handel's Messiah "For Unto Us A Child is Born" over and over again.
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SallyT
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Our 5 pm " family" Mass is the Mass with the serious ("traditional") music, funnily enough. Midnight Mass in our parish now is in Spanish. I've become very spoiled . . . I always did love Midnight Mass, but now I sort of love going to bed at a decent hour. We sing the 5 pm, then sing the 9 am on Christmas, so I get to do both, which again I have come to love. But then, I'm one of two volunteer choir directors, so I have a lot of control over the music, at least!
I love the idea of curling up in the quiet with the Holy Father's Midnight Mass. How cool! I wish we could get the Christmas Lessons and Carols from Kings College Cambridge at that hour, too . . .
Sally
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SeaStar
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JennGM wrote:
I know it's meant to be helpful, but I am feeling a little defensive on the way the thread has turned. I was sharing just how excited my boys are. Perfectly natural. And, like Melinda said, my oldest is more spirited, so he has a hard time sleeping especially when anticipating (but he was like that as an infant--doesn't want to miss a thing). He wants to sleep and has a hard time. wehave a 7:00 rule for waking the family up. Nobody goes downstairs until it's time. He redpects that and loves it, actually. he is older now so doesn't wake us up all the time when he is frustrated. He is learning slowly how to calm himself and do activities that he will relax.
In this area he isn't doing anything wrong. We set parameters and try to provide low key meaningful ways to prepare.
We keep the talk of gimme down, no lists, etc, and try to help them see helping others and giving to others and being sweet to brother is the appropriate behavior.
I just was sharing--we have had more discipline times during this season.
But what I was sharing is the joy and expectation that sometimes comes out a little crazy and frustrating for Mommy at times.
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I have to say I feel the same way.
At this time of year, there are so many things that get kids hyped up over Christmas. Everywhere we go- from the dentist to church even- people are asking my children: what do you want for Christmas? What is Santa bringing you? What is on your list this year? I am not encouraging this in my home. Strangers are doing it for me.
Along with that, there are changes in decor, inside and out. Kids are seeing bright lights and sparkly decorations. Seasonal music is played; the mail increases. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, things are just different.
Kids notice. And even if we try to downplay things, each child is a person who will have his/her own reactions. I am sure Jenn's sister never imagined her son would go downstairs in the middle of the night and open up all his presents. These things come up. I had no idea my ds was pinning all his hopes on the UPS man until he started watching out the window and burst into tears one afternoon.
But even considering all that, the truth is that we try to be helpful here but we don't really know each other IRL. We don't know all the challenges and circumstances each family faces. What might seem extreme to one family may be normal for another, as Jodie mentioned.
The craziness that comes with the holidays is not always because we are slack parents without enough discipline or proper bedtime routines. I feel very taken aback that this was even implied.
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Pilgrim
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juliana147 wrote:
Jenn, I love midnight Mass, too. But it does not work for my family, for a number of reasons.
Here is what I do:
Check your tv listings for Christmas Eve. In almost every town I've been in, Midnight Mass with the Holy Father is broadcast at around 11 PM.
This is my time to reconnect with the Lord, the Holy Father, and Rome. I am the only one who stays up. I pour myself a cup of tea, cuddle under a big blanket, and pray. I turn out all the lights except the Christmas tree, to help me focus on the Mass.
It has become *my* special tradition. It's ok that it doesn't work for the rest of the family. It is a little quiet space of time that I can see the beautiful decorations at St. Peter's, hear the voices of the choir, and really take to heart the Pope's message to us each year.
I don't know if it would work for you, but I thought I'd mention it as an option. It might even work if you are out of town, visiting family, if you keep the volume down!
eta: of course, this is in addition to attending a regular Mass with my family! |
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Neat idea! Sounds very comforting and a very peaceful time to really connect with the Lord and meditate on Christmas.
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CrunchyMom
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SallyT wrote:
I wish we could get the Christmas Lessons and Carols from Kings College Cambridge at that hour, too . . .
Sally |
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How does one listen to the Lessons and Carols? Is it online streaming somewhere, or do you have to wait until someone posts it on YouTube?
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JennGM
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SeaStar wrote:
I am sure Jenn's sister never imagined her son would go downstairs in the middle of the night and open up all his presents. These things come up.
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I know! I think that's really it. I've been surprised at being continually surprised as a parent. Every day you see that individual person with his own thinking and will. I can't read his mind! You would think I would expect and not be surprised.
My nephew learned his lesson and so did my sister. They have had to set parameters, and my nephew says he won't ever do it again. But it happened, out of the blue. He didn't do years on end, just two years ago, and that one time.
It's great family lore now. He'll never live it down. The funny thing is that HIS cousin opened EVERYONE'S presents that year, too...so my nephew is proud to say he at least practiced self-control and opened only HIS.
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SallyT
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Lindsay, you can stream it live on the BBC, I believe, and it's also broadcast on various radio stations.
Info from the Kings website
Hear last year's, and access a link/schedule to listen to this year's on Monday. I think this is where we've listened to it. If you're on ET, then they're 5 hours ahead, so broadcast is in the morning.
And yes, I think what we're all seeing in our children is not misbehavior strictly speaking, so much as immature minds/bodies/nervous systems coping with overload of various kinds, for which I find it hard to blame or punish them. Redirect, yes. Remind, yes. Occasionally "take a break" in a quiet place, yes. But also understand that it's not that they're not *trying* to be good.
I always think of those Gesell Institute parenting books and their theory that child development is a spiral from periods of equilibrium to periods of disequilibrium. They of course mean this more broadly and developmentally, but we all see these specific eruptions of disequilibrium at times like this, with some children manifesting their sense of inner chaos in more outwardly chaotic ways than others. It's not that rules aren't there, or that they don't know them perfectly well; the flesh just is weaker than usual sometimes.
I myself feel in a total state of disequilibrium, and it's so hard to keep my own cool, which does not help matters . . . We just do the best we can. And we try to laugh at things. Right now Steroid Boy is singing "O God Beyond All Praising" at the top of his (very good but shrill boy soprano) voice, for about the billionth time today, and the study is littered with craft sticks and glitter, and I'm still stressing over gifts bought and unbought, made and unmade, in spite of my better instincts . . . Yeah, this is Disequilibrium House, all right. And I'm trying to see that as a good and lively thing.
(and speaking of losing one's cool, or rather finding it, our furnace is now comprehensively dead, too . . . OK, Lord, offering it right on up, but really! I'm truly, truly grateful that it's not worse, but on the other hand. . . says the human, fallen me!).
And I love the story of the dueling gift-openers. I *still* keep all our presents put away until last thing on Christmas Eve for that very reason.* Right now most of our things are hidden in the back of the big van, which is parked on the street a distance from the house and locked up tight, because otherwise, the curious elves will stumble on them.
Well, another blessed day in Advent to all!
Sally
*Well, for the reason that at least in years past, we'd have been lucky to make it to Christmas Eve with wrapping even remotely intact.
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CrunchyMom
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Our kids are such a mish mash of temperament and behavior, aren't they? I used to think that I was more disciplined than my sister because she could NOT keep from shaking and peeking at a present under the tree. I doubt she could keep from it NOW  Now I realize that I simply enjoyed waiting whereas she did not. It did not require disciplined behavior on my part in the least to wait for surprises. Heck, my mom even had me wrap my own gifts some years, and I never peeked in the box!!! But I know now that was just as driven to keep things a surprise as my sister was to find out then and there, but that it boiled down to taste, not virtue .
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JennGM wrote:
SeaStar wrote:
I am sure Jenn's sister never imagined her son would go downstairs in the middle of the night and open up all his presents. These things come up.
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I know! I think that's really it. I've been surprised at being continually surprised as a parent. Every day you see that individual person with his own thinking and will. |
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I love this part of parenting, too! In fact, it's one of the greatest joys in seeing some of the unique and very individual and unpredictable ways each of my children grows into a particular situation. Many times it's tremendously humbling for me. Sometimes, it's a call for me to help them moderate. Other times, it's a call for me to relax my expectations. All the time, it's a blessing of parenting. I couldn't agree with both of you more!
I'm grateful to have a minute to address the idea of having differing viewpoints on one thread.
I'm a happy, confident parent. Confident not because of my own skills, but rather because I deeply trust in God's mercy, His gift of grace through the Sacrament my husband and I share, that He'll make up for all I lack, and that He expects me to hold up my end of the deal through hard work...which I can do! I enjoy my vocation and my family with all my heart. When I think of all of you, my friends, I know that you feel the same way about your families - we all delight in the unique gifts God has given us, and we each grow through the individual crosses God may feel confident in giving us at a given time. I'm not a perfect parent - goodness knows I am immersed in the school of hard knocks. I wouldn't have it any other way because I'm hard headed, just like my kids!
I enjoy sharing our unique family experiences, just as I am grateful for the variety of other experiences shared here at 4Real. Our many parenting styles and experiences make for a collective whole that I see as a delightful part of our ministry here at 4Real that is lived out in the day-to-day of our posting, but over time, is a growing body that I hope encourages through its sharing. I like this "bigger picture" view and sometimes it is motivating in how I may post, or in my overall posting style.
As I shared earlier, in posting an alternative view of an atmosphere of home life and children's behavior around this time of year, my intention was simply to provide our experience based on the question asked by the original poster. Our experience is different from most others shared, and I enjoy providing some of the tools I learned (school of hard knocks again) in getting to our different experience because that's what I look for when I read posts. I like learning here! I enjoy and have benefited many times over from the quiet gleaning when someone else shares their experiences and how they got there.
Nothing else was implied and I'm happy to clarify that further in private if needed.
My posting style (back to having self-identified as a happy, confident, imperfect parent of imperfect kids) is one that is uniquely me. I enjoy being positive. I enjoy brainstorming. I like being light-hearted, don't take myself too seriously, and really enjoy laughing with others at my foibles! I enjoy sharing experiences here with all my friends because I trust that you all will assume the best of me just as I enjoy assuming the best of all of you!  I delight and am blessed through reading and learning from the many different styles and approaches shared here on this thread and across the board as a whole. I enjoy the "big picture" tapestry of experiences shared because I think it is an encouragement.
Thanks for letting me clarify my intentions and how I view sharing when an experience of mine may not necessarily be validating to other experiences shared on a thread. I'm really looking forward to further sharing here! 
Becky Parker wrote:
| I've been in tears about my kid's behavior lately. It's just awful! My mother is here staying with us and she requires quite a bit of physical care, as well as the emotional tole it is taking on me to see her this way. Combine that with these wound up kids and it's just nuts. |
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This has always been a particular challenge for us: when extended family comes to visit around this time of year. It does upset the apple cart, so to speak. Like Becky, I work hard to provide a balance of honoring family, recognizing the value of having them in our home during such a holy time of year, and observing a healthy balance of excitement and moderation in the children so they don't go off the deep end! We role play words of gratitude and give little mini-briefings each morning about those things expected of an individual child so they can see areas where they have freedom (and I remind myself that these are areas I need to relax!). Anyone else work hard to help kids balance when extended family is around? Have you found any other tools that help the entire family?
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JodieLyn
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Mornings are nice.. it's chilly so we tend to sit around the fire in the living room.. and everyone is sorta sleepy and waking up and not bouncing off the walls. I'm just not in a hurry to make things happen yet for the day. Kids are watching silly Christmas specials on the tv and I'm here on my laptop (on my lap so I'm sitting with them). Gonna go and catch up on our Advent reading when the show is done. 
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SallyT
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Again, I'm really grateful to have used my December Audible credits for the last couple of years for some good seasonal audiobooks. Our schedule can go pear-shaped at the best of times, and now . . . audiobooks are saving me, as are crafts with the aforementioned craft sticks and glitter glue!
As is iTunes classical radio, though at the moment some rousing music from Carmen is on, and Steroid Boy is acting it out . . . Tomorrow he can go outside to blow off some of this over-the-top energy!
And Jenn, yes, I remember from my own college experience the difficulty of re-entering family life, from my own me/myself/I-world of school. One learns to be an adult fairly quickly, but to learn to be a *gracious* adult can take a little more time, even if one has been brought up to be gracious. I had been steeling myself last summer to deal with this kind of transition, and it didn't happen then, so I was off my guard! At least she goes off to work every day -- friends of mine run a Catholic book/religious-goods shop (with *gorgeous,* hard-to-find items, such at Betsy's beautiful chaplets), and Ada works for them gratis when she's home. She adores it, and presumably there the world is seeing her very wonderful better nature! That does buffer the re-entry quite a bit. It's not just younger children who have difficulty this time of year, as I am being reminded. And work of some kind for everyone, whether it's out of the house or in it, is a good form of redress.
Honestly, though, we're still recovering from the hospital stay last week. That threw us out of all our routines, especially those related to our Advent observances, and then the college girl came home the next day -- and I'm still trying to gather all the loose ends and catch up. Most of the problem as I perceive it here, to tell the truth, is that *I* feel out of sync and unhappy, because the days aren't unfolding beautifully and peacefully and meaningfully in precisely the way I had envisioned, with more handmade and thought-out gifts and happy secrets . . . I think I have to not read Tasha Tudor any more this Advent. Because I found myself buying things in Wal-Mart yesterday and having a tiny internal breakdown about it, because I don't like Wal-Mart to begin with, and this isn't how we do Christmas.
Except that this year it appears that it is. And I think that my household would seem more peaceful and my children lovelier if *I* just made my peace with the fact that I didn't get it together early enough, and that stuff has happened along the way, but that God is gracious anyway, and the Incarnation is a marvel no matter what.
Sally (whose children are now cleaning the house, and who is going to walk up to the thrift shop to see what random tiny wonderful things she can find, because that *is* how we do Christmas!)
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JennGM
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| Our kids are such a mish mash of temperament and behavior, aren't they? I used to think that I was more disciplined than my sister because she could NOT keep from shaking and peeking at a present under the tree. I doubt she could keep from it NOW Now I realize that I simply enjoyed waiting whereas she did not. It did not require disciplined behavior on my part in the least to wait for surprises. Heck, my mom even had me wrap my own gifts some years, and I never peeked in the box!!! But I know now that was just as driven to keep things a surprise as my sister was to find out then and there, but that it boiled down to taste, not virtue . |
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No presents go under the tree until Christmas Eve when they are in bed. So we're not tempting them, but perhaps that unknown is even more "painful" for the excitement! They are stashed in a secret location that I cannot reveal.
Lindsay, I can't believe I've found another mother who had her children wrap their own presents! My mother did that, too. She would hand a taped gift box and tell us to mark it to us, and please wrap it while we were wrapping the rest of the gifts.
The temperaments in all my siblings was to not peek, so I am not really prepared for a child that would peek!
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JennGM
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Jen, Thank you. I'm not angry, as you can see because I've stayed in this thread. I just wanted to be honest, because writing can't provide true conversation. I've been here long enough to know styles of posting, and know that no one meant anything harmful or mean. I just wanted to say share that I was feeling a bit defensive that it was implying that these children are intentionally being naughty and our parenting was lacking.
The clarification has been good and everything is fine.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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JodieLyn
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I don't put out presents because.. we don't put up the tree until Christmas Eve Not to mention then I don't have to constantly police the toddlers about both tree and presents.. it makes for a much nicer Christmas Day for me.. because I'm not already sick of the whole Christmas tree and stuff. 
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Becky Parker
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JennGM wrote:
Lindsay, I can't believe I've found another mother who had her children wrap their own presents! My mother did that, too. She would hand a taped gift box and tell us to mark it to us, and please wrap it while we were wrapping the rest of the gifts.
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Me too! Our situation was difficult with my dad having died of cancer and my mom working nights. But, strange as it sounds, one of my fondest memories of Christmas is staying up way into the night on Christmas Eve wrapping gifts with my mom, even my own. She had them in taped boxes as well. My husband thinks this is absurd but it really is a lovely memory to this day.
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Becky Parker
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Regarding peekers, my oldest ds is like a rock. I could leave an open bag on the counter and say, "don't look, your Christmas gift is in there" and know that he just wont look. When he was younger he wouldn't even tell me what he wanted for Christmas so everything was a complete surprise. But! Kids 2 and 3 are terrible about it. I currently have everything out in the trunk of my dh's car so it goes with him to work every day. Then I know they can't peak. The problem is getting everything wrapped. We have a large van and ds told me to use the back of it for my wrapping center. He said he would even pull the last seat out for more room. I could sneak out to the van at night and wrap things out there. Sounds like an odd idea to me, but it just might work.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Becky Parker
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Joined: May 23 2005
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2582
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| Posted: Dec 20 2012 at 6:13am | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
Becky Parker wrote:
| I've been in tears about my kid's behavior lately. It's just awful! My mother is here staying with us and she requires quite a bit of physical care, as well as the emotional tole it is taking on me to see her this way. Combine that with these wound up kids and it's just nuts. |
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This has always been a particular challenge for us: when extended family comes to visit around this time of year. It does upset the apple cart, so to speak. Like Becky, I work hard to provide a balance of honoring family, recognizing the value of having them in our home during such a holy time of year, and observing a healthy balance of excitement and moderation in the children so they don't go off the deep end! We role play words of gratitude and give little mini-briefings each morning about those things expected of an individual child so they can see areas where they have freedom (and I remind myself that these are areas I need to relax!). Anyone else work hard to help kids balance when extended family is around? Have you found any other tools that help the entire family? |
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This would be such a helpful discussion for me right now. I'm really struggling. My mom has always been my rock and now I'm seeing signs of dementia and well as physical decline. It is so hard and causing so much stress. My kids are just reacting, I think, to my own stress. They also find it difficult to see grandma this way. It happened so fast! I'm hi-jacking here, but maybe I can start a new thread elsewhere.
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Crazy kids?
