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SallyT
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| Posted: Sept 01 2012 at 11:33am | IP Logged
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For sure we're praying for you!
Can you get to Confession today? That might be the logical place to start: receive the graces of that sacrament and let them start working on you. As I said, I always find it really hard to drag myself there, and can come up with a million excuses not to go ("Oh, darn! It's after four! I'm sure the line's out the door already, and I won't get in anyway, so I'll just go next week . . . "), but I can't think of anything I'm ever gladder to have done, once I've done it, even if I'm a total bumbler in the confessional and part of my confession is that I didn't want to come.
If you can do that, putting your foot in the door, receiving healing and grace (and also clearing the way for you to receive Communion tomorrow), that might make getting to Mass easier. If there's a Vigil Mass, and you're already there for Confession, you could just stay . . . Otherwise, set yourself up to go tomorrow. Put out your clothes and the kids' clothes. Go to bed early. Set the clock so that you have time to eat some protein before your Communion fast starts. I'd love to do the old-fashioned "fast from midnight forward," but I can't, and I'm glad the Church in her mercy gives me a chance to have breakfast, so I don't faint in choir!
In other words, just do the things you have to do, and try not to focus on the feelings involved. Little tasks, baby steps, but baby steps that set you up to get there, instead of being derailed.
It's so easy for me to say these things, and much harder, I realize, to do them! I'm trying not to offer this in the spirit of advice (me the expert, you the recipient of my superior wisdom!) but of encouragement, because these things are hard, and once you're in a rut, it's so difficult to climb out. I know this from my own experience. But God really does extend His hand to you, and it's full of grace, meant for you to take.
We love you and are praying for you!
Sally
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Sept 18 2012 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
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I went into the church for the first time last night and prayed. It was short (my dd was doing some AHG work in a meeting room), but I did it. I still have not gone to Mass, but I'm slowly, slowly, working up to the challenge.
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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SallyT
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| Posted: Sept 18 2012 at 11:28pm | IP Logged
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Good for you. Praying for you.
Sally
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Maureen
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| Posted: Sept 19 2012 at 4:58pm | IP Logged
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The Lord is calling to you. "Come to Me!"
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Maureen, mom to 8 treasures
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asplendidtime
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| Posted: Sept 20 2012 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
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Thank you for this thread Lara, beautiful! Just what I was needing to read today. I can so relate where you wrote "tired of reading and it not changing me"...... I could so much relate.
Thank you for the beautiful replies, they were such an encouragement to read. 
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Rebecca~Mama to
Noah 17,
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Mary 14,
Tim 13,
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Zoe 9,
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Genevieve & Gabriella 1
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Sept 22 2012 at 7:59pm | IP Logged
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For starters, just saying this "out loud" is really a huge step in my opinion. I think when we keep fears like this bottled up, they can overwhelm us and trap us. I would second the great observations of all the other ladies. I too am a "foodie", and can ses a HUGE difference in my mental outlook and energy level when I cut way back on, or cut out entirely white flour, sugar and things like that and replace it with veggies, esp. things like field greens from the salad dept., more water, and some exercise. Just a little bit of exercise can really help.
Also, I am a Baptist convert too. One thing to remember is that we are not "always" at Mass for us. Sometimes we are there "for Him". When we first convert, as I am sure you probably remember, there are a lot of sensory consolations...a honey moon period of grace, as if the Lord is just rejoicing in finally having us where He intended us to be. Later, there may be periods of dryness. Even though Jesus is God, love is a two-way relationship. Sometimes, we can always be in "take" mode. I find myself doing this when I am depressed and start feeling sorry for myself, lose all enthusiasm for living etc. (i.e the "why bother" with "fill in the blank" ) Then, I tend to kind of want to blame it all on God and really get off track spiritually. The key is to remember that we aren't foolin' Him! He knows us better than we know ourselves. Think about the poem...whose title I like more than the poem itself, but it is good nevertheless, The Hound of Heaven. Jesus seeks us out in the most remote recesses of our hearts. He does not fear to tread where we fear to tread within our own hearts. He has already seen your fears, your failings, your deepest desires for love and acceptance. He knows that you are completely burnt out, and that you feel pressed down and trodden in life. So just tell Him you need Him. You will be surprised by how quickly He rushes in to save you and comfort you!I have been there, done that!
Also, is there a way that you can go to Mass....alone? I know that my husband and I have a really hard time wrestling with the children at Mass..getting them ready...holding them, training them to sit still..all back in a cry room, that has improved, but you still don't really feel a part of the Mass. We love to go as a family, but sometimes, when we are exhausted, one of us might mention to the other that, "I can't see going through all of that tomorrow.", in a tired voice, and the other is always quick with, "How 'bout I take the early Mass, and you go alone." It really does wonders to be able to just be alone with Jesus! Also, I cannot tell you how wonderful Holy Hours are. And, don't feel as if you have to go and spend hours and hours, or say prayer after prayers. Sometimes, I just go and sit, and tell Jesus that I really wish I had a pillow so that I could just curl up in His prescense and sleep, and how overwhelmed I feel, and a lot of "Please help me, Lord! prayers. You sound a little like me in that you are a paralyzed perfectionist. I am a perfectionist, but I am my own worst enemy. If I can't do it perfectly, sometimes I don't do it at all. Is there a little but of that going on here spiritually?
Also, I would say from the sounds of your note that you need to do the "self-care" that others have mentioned. I remember the year I had twin girls and just getting a shower was sometimes more than I could even accomplish for myself each day. I would just grab whatever was around to eat, and ended up gaining 30 lbs in the first few months after they were born!!!!     I barely slept, and put myself dead last. I would often even have to hold my bladder for hours upon end..sounds odd I know...in the middle of the night because I had FINALLY gotten my very easily awakened twins to sleep for a few hours in the wee morning, and I thought, if I get up, they will get up, and it will be hours before I can close my eyes again. So, I would lay there, usually with them on either side of me, husband had long since decided to sleep on the couch since his work was being affected by their crazy sleep schedules, and I just had to lie there, motionless. In retrospect..sort of stupid! I should have just put them in a crib in another room and gone to bed! But, I did not have the heart to do that!!!! So, there I was, slowly killing myself by thinking I was being loving, and now I am paying the physical price for my neglect of self! I am really having to climb out of a hole as far as being out of shape...I am sort of angry with myself I must admit!
I would write out what is bothering you. Just be honest. You can throw it away later. This helps me sometimes. For some reason writing has a brain-heart/soul connection, and you will feel better after you do this. The second thing you should do is go to confession, and then to Mass! You NEED the grace of the sacraments as a soothing balm to your soul right now!!! It's like refusing to take medicine to save your life! You will feel much, much more free! Then, I would write down a food plan for your day, commit it to the Lord, and then only try to eat what is on that paper. No silly stuff like "wheat berry smoothies with avocado blah, blah.." Just pick things you KNOW you can actually commit to, and try to make sure they are as healthy as options as you can commit to, right now. If you fail, then just say a quick prayer for help, and move on to the next meal plan. Abstinance with food can bring much clarity of thought. It is not like a "diet", but more like giving up the space that food takes in your will and making room for God to act.
Anyway, I could go on, but the first step is just admitting that you feel this way! And yes, I can see where just reading mainly kid's catechism could sometimes make things seem like a fairy tale, and sometimes saint stories can be a little TOO sugary, which is a turn off for some people. As a convert, perhaps you would like the Hahn's? The other suggestions of folks were good too, I thought.
Also, I remember my Dad, who is a Baptist, once said something interesting to me. He said, "Well, you Catholics go to church and center it all on Jesus, but we go and fellowship and focus on each other etc." I thought, "WOW! That is EXACTLY right and that is EXACTLY as it should be!" The focus is Christ. IF there is fellowship, and IF the priest is a good homist, and IF there is a nice social afterwards and folks we really mesh with, then GREAT, Praise the Lord! But, if not, then maybe Christ is calling you to center yourself on Him, and Him alone for this period of time. Embrace the challenge and the invitation to be one with the Creator of the universe, AND the creator of your unique and worthy-of-love soul. THis is what happens EACH and every time you receive Christ in the Eucharist. Each time we receive Our Lord is a miracle, and I am often humbled, especially as a convert, as to, "Why me, Lord? Why did you call ME to this church, in this little town, and give me the gift of You? There is no greater treasure on the face of the earth than Our Lord in the Eucharist. Don't miss one gift! 
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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dinasiano
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 6:52am | IP Logged
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Kim,
Thank you for this! I know it was meant for Lara, but I really was touched and encouraged by what you wrote.
Dina
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mamaslearning
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 7:36am | IP Logged
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I was at church yesterday because our AHG troop was selling donuts. So, we were outside of Mass in a gathering space, but I was near enough to see and hear. I was a bit nervous, but overall calm (I had planned on going in with my dd, but help was needed to set up the tables). So, a small group of us were out there, quietly waiting for Mass to end and after the homily it looked like someone was getting sick in on of the back pews. Before long they come running out with a child in their arms that is seizing and frothing at the mouth asking for us to call 911. It was very unsettling, especially for the girls. As for me, who does not deal well with medical things and tends to panic, I was surprised that I was able to stay there and give what little support I could to the girls (the other moms were on the phone with 911, trying to contact the boy's mother since she was at home, and another went to fetch her doctor husband). So, I cried and I tried to explain to the girls what was happening (and reassuring them that crying was okay, I just couldn't stop myself). They were wonderful and even suggested praying for the boy. After the ambulance left, Father came over and prayed with the girls. All of this happened while the Mass was still in progress, and the ambulance was gone before Mass was over.
So what did I learn? I learned that I could handle seeing an emergency, not actively participating, but at least observing without having a full-blown panic episode. I also took away from this the knowledge that if something happened at Mass, I would be okay. This is huge for me! When I attended Mass, we always sat up front and it's amazing how many people faint during communion. It always bothered me and played into my irrational panic and fears. So, finally coming to the point of knowing that it will be okay, is huge.
*sigh* I don't want to read too much into this, but it does feel like He's tugging on my sleeve and showing me the way through my web of fears.
10 Bright Stars wrote:
Also, I am a Baptist convert too. One thing to remember is that we are not "always" at Mass for us. Sometimes we are there "for Him"................Even though Jesus is God, love is a two-way relationship. Sometimes, we can always be in "take" mode. |
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Kim, thank you! This thought opened my eyes a bit. I have been in take mode for a long time (I deserved it since I felt all *my* plans had been thwarted by Him  ). I think it's time to apply all of what I have been learning - take care of my health especially - and start to give back to Him.
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| Also, is there a way that you can go to Mass....alone? |
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My husband and I just talked about this yesterday, and I'm going to take the oldest to early Mass and we will exchange kids so he can go with one or two at the next Mass.
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| So, there I was, slowly killing myself by thinking I was being loving, and now I am paying the physical price for my neglect of self! I am really having to climb out of a hole as far as being out of shape...I am sort of angry with myself I must admit! |
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I fell hard for the ap philosophy, but I misunderstood it and twisted it into something that was killing me. I, too, placed all of their needs above my own, and in the process destroyed my health. It is a tough road out of that place, but yesterday I made the choice of doing a 20 minute workout instead of eating a bag of chips. It was an interesting conversation in my head, which I'm sure sounds silly but I had to have a q&a with myself in order to look at all my options - eat the chips and feel bad, eat the chips and not care that I'm hurting myself, keep gaining weight OR take that first step and do a workout.
Kim, thanks for taking the time to write and share your thoughts. It was very helpful! I can't express enough how this forum and you wonderful ladies have helped me over these tumultuous two years.
(I hope I don't sound too disjointed, but I have very little time this morning and I just had to reply before I got my day going.)
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Lara
DD 11, DS 8, DS 6, DS 4
St. Francis de Sales Homeschool
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Sept 24 2012 at 5:53pm | IP Logged
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You both are most welcome! (Dina)
I said our family Rosary for you after I wrote the post, Lara, and prayed for you at Mass as well on Sunday. I will continue to keep you in my prayers, and please keep me in yours too! I suffer from all sorts of self-induced fears as well! So, definately a kindred spirit.
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Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Do not want to go to Mass
