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montessori_lori
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| Posted: April 27 2012 at 7:00pm | IP Logged
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Besides The Difficult Child, we also purchased the set of DVDs and CDs called Total Transformation. These were extremely helpful. They guided us into setting consequences for the kind of behavior you are describing that happened with your daughter and the laptop. My daughter was also quite physically aggressive with our son (her older brother). We learned how to create a safe environment where he did not need to worry about getting hurt.
With consequences for misbehavior firmly in place, we never had to "wonder" if we were doing the right thing or think about what to do when she misbehaved. It was a huge help. You can find out more here: Total Transformation. A little pricy but SO worth it.
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Maggie
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| Posted: April 27 2012 at 7:27pm | IP Logged
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montessori_lori wrote:
Besides The Difficult Child, we also purchased the set of DVDs and CDs called Total Transformation. These were extremely helpful. They guided us into setting consequences for the kind of behavior you are describing that happened with your daughter and the laptop. My daughter was also quite physically aggressive with our son (her older brother). We learned how to create a safe environment where he did not need to worry about getting hurt.
With consequences for misbehavior firmly in place, we never had to "wonder" if we were doing the right thing or think about what to do when she misbehaved. It was a huge help. You can find out more here: Total Transformation. A little pricy but SO worth it. |
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I have heard of this on the radio, but always thought it sounded a bit gimmicky.
After reading/listening to both Popcak and Guarendi...and reading Leman(sp?)...1-2-3 Magic and ...and some others I cannot remember...my thought is: "How different can this really be?"
Is it that different?
Everyone, thank you for the book recommendations. I have ordered from the library as your comments were coming in. 
Thank you all for the prayers!
__________________
Wife to dh (12 years) Mama to dd (10) ds (8), dd (1), ds (nb) and to Philip Mary (5/26/09), Lucy Joy (12/6/09), and Margaret Mary (3/6/10) who entered Heaven before we had a chance to hold them.
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montessori_lori
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| Posted: April 28 2012 at 8:39am | IP Logged
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I think the advertising for Total Transformation can sound a little gimmicky, but it is a fantastic program. SO thorough, so much good advice, so much insight - it is every bit as much for parents as for the children. You will learn how to change what you do which in turn changes how your daughter will behave.
I believe TT is one of the main reasons my daughter is doing well now. I really can't recommend it highly enough. And, if you have already read other sources like Leman, 123 Magic, etc. and are still having trouble...well, after TT you will not need other resources. You will have the answers to the questions you've been asking here.
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: April 28 2012 at 12:30pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
If needed, physically restrain her until she has quieted to a less destructive state then remove her to her room until she is completely calm and ready to apologize for unkindness AND make right whatever she threw, broke, bit, ripped if it was a destructive fit. She MUST make right whatever she destroyed or hurt, and she must apologize for being unkind. When determining whether or not to release a child from his/her room after a fit, I ask them if 1) they are ready to apologize and 2) they are ready to repair "x"? If yes and they are calm, they can come out. If no, they stay in.
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This. Over.And.Over.And.Over.
Maggie, I want you to consider 3 things for yourself.
The first thing is that as the mother of a spirited/difficult child you honestly need to work hard every day. Once I accepted this as my job...once I accepted that this wasn't going to change, that she wasn't going to "grow out of it", that she wasn't going to be the child *I willed her to be*...I was able to stop feeling sorry for myself and throwing tantrums of my own. It is what it is, as they say, and there is A LOT OF RELIEF in that. Notice, I said that I needed to accept my role as the mother of a spirited child...I did not and would not accept wrong behavior on the child's part. So go ahead and scream into your pillow or cry in the shower or write strongly worded entries in your journal. But from this day forward, challenge yourself to present a public face to your dd that is clear, calm, focused, firm, and detached from her shenanigans. Stand up straight! Smile! Be an example of how to live a happy life!
The second thing may seem paradoxical. While I have to work hard, I can work smart which makes me look and feel as if I'm not working hard. I call it working dumb or smart (and believe me I'm the dullest knife in the drawer sometimes  ). So I ask myself questions like:
Do I want to do the dumb hard work of allowing my child to get out of control because I'm so exhausted from her shenanigans? Or do I want to do the smart hard work of having clear, consistent boundaries?
Do I want to do the dumb hard work of reading a gazillion books about parenting this child or do I want to do the smart hard work of choosing one book that is good enough and sticking with its principles and mastering its approach?
Do I want to do the dumb hard work of applying a gazillion techniques willy nilly or do I want to do the smart hard work of finding key principles and a few techniques that stick to our whole family's highest values?
Do I want to do the dumb hard work of flailing around my house in chaos or do I want to do the smart hard work of ordering it in a way that helps not only the spirited kid, but also the whole family?
Do I want to do the dumb hard work of kicking myself every time I fail or do I want to do the smart hard work of forgiving myself quickly and seeing it as a sign of needing to refuel or regroup?
OK, you get the idea  . And here comes the good part, the third thing! All of this hard work, whether dumb or smart and often both, needs a proportionate amount of refueling for mom. A runner would not expect to run a marathon eating only an apple. Sure, someone laying around on a couch all day could just eat an apple and draw enough energy to continue laying on the couch all day, BUT MOTHERS OF A SPIRITED CHILD ARE MARATHONERS!!!!! You need REAL FUEL for your REAL HARD WORK!
Here are a few examples of my fuel: showers, social media (currently here and twitter), foodie stuffs (gourmet cheese, craft beer, chocolate), listening to greatest hits and talk radio, brushing my dog, having breakfast or lunch with a friend, talking on the phone with a friend, naps, reading picture books to my kid/s, making a nice meal, trying a new recipe, watch a baseball game. What fuels you?
Not only do these activities refuel me, they help me to not focus on the shenanigans 24/7. These children can SO EASILY become the center of EVERYTHING...and that simply isn't true - they aren't the center of the universe or the family for that matter. Only God is the center of all things, and the family is the smallest unit of society, not any individual. This child needs to see that life, happy and purposeful, goes on with our without them. They can choose to do their part within a family that treats its members with kindness, or not, but none the less, other family members have the right and duty to claim their happy and purposeful lives. Family members, who are more mature and/or are not neurologically rigged in a spirited manner, have their roles (and their own weaknesses/challenges too) to play within the family to help each other. A happy and purposeful life includes being able to absorb and love each member of the family as uniquely sent by God to participate in the salvation of souls!
OK, that got long winded and I'm not able to go back and edit for brevity  . Maggie just know that I'm praying for you and I'll ask my 19yo spirited dd to pray as well. She is still learning how to manage her spiritedness (the work of a lifetime) and she still struggles with some things (like asking for help) but she is happy, kind, funny, original, hard-working, and a great family member. We all absolutely adore her  . All the hard work, both dumb and smart, somehow helped her to become the lovely young woman God is calling her to be.
I'm rooting for you, Maggie! Keep up the great work!
ETA: The above presumes that all family members are growing in their faith and working toward a vibrant faith life as individuals and as a family. "I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing." John 15:5
Many prayers and love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Servant2theKing
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| Posted: April 28 2012 at 1:22pm | IP Logged
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Maggie, coming back to share that it took a Holy Spirit inspiration in my own life before I ever began to gain some sense of control (especially over my own reactions) in dealing with difficult child(ren). I realized that I needed to have a sense of Godly authority, and a sense of command over my own feelings or reactions, before my children could recognize that dh and I were in charge (not them). I've noticed when children are most out of control parents have no idea how to convey their God-given authority to their children. In saying this, I'm not referring so much to outward action (although action is certainly part of it), rather a sense or an air of self-assurance, that we as parents are the ones called by God to lead, set boundaries and guide our children on the journey to Heaven.
Children also need and thrive on boundaries and a sense of grace-filled order in their lives. When it's not there they often flounder or sometimes end up totally out of control. Key elements that can help a family regain proper order, with parents guiding and children respectfully following, are a regular prayer life and some form of structure from day to day. Family prayer helps ground and root a family. While I'm not a time schedule type person, our family (especially dc) benefit greatly from having expectations spelled out by way of lesson plans or chore lists. It's impossible to argue with a piece of paper! Best of all, parents aren't left reinventing the wheel every single day through verbal management that often leaves things open to debate or argumant, or worst of all, what sometimes feels like all out war!
I would reiterate the wisdom others have already shared regarding the necessity of gently, yet firmly, establishing clear understanding that family members are not allowed to take out their frustrations on one another through violent outbursts. It's also important to refrain from singling one family member out as THE difficult one. Too often family dynamics can develop a pattern where others are automatically exonerated of their part in any wrongdoing, while negative focus tends to be misdirected toward a family "scapegoat".
The biggest remedies for any family difficulty are first recognizing that a problem exists, then seeking positive, grace-filled solutions! You are already on the path toward making things better for your family! May God bless your efforts abundantly.
Dh just came home from work early, and I really need to give him time and attention, but I will close by offering continued prayers, and sharing our two favorite prayers for difficult times ~ the Memorare and the Holy Spirit Novena! Pray! Hope! Trust! Hold Fast! 
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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stacykay
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I can't offer advice, just many prayers, Maggie!!!
In Christ,
Stacy in MI
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Jenn Sal
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Maaggie, I am praying for you! My 10yo is your 6yo. You and I can laugh and cry  together. Honestly, your description is EXACT!!! St. Monica and St. Rita Pray for Us!
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Jennifer, Texas
Wife to Mark, Mom to Cora 13,Kade 10, Sarah in Heaven 12/05, Colette 7, Corin 5, & Kieran 2
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Angie Mc
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Jenn Sal wrote:
| My 10yo is your 6yo. You and I can laugh and cry together. Honestly, your description is EXACT!!! St. Monica and St. Rita Pray for Us! |
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I can vouch for that...and Jenn can vouch for me .
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Marcia
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| Posted: April 30 2012 at 8:05am | IP Logged
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Angie Mc...thank you.
I needed to hear that.
I personally had relaxed during this second trimester with baby #6 and the habits of my children have fallen. I'm back on track now and see that it was ME that was allowing chaos in our family and it was driving me crazy!
Thanks for taking the time to post so much and so clearly. We as moms set the tone in the house. Today it's going to be joyful around here!
and very organized!
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Marcia
Mom to six and wife to one
Homeschooling 10th, 7th, 5th, 2nd, PreK and a toddler in tow.
I wonder why
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SallyT
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I have to say, these are such excellent responses. Even though I wasn't the one asking for prayers, I'm particularly grateful to Jen and Angie for their long, detailed posts. None of my younger children have been quite as difficult to deal with as my oldest was as a little girl (I guess I'm just a tougher customer these days, or else they really are rank amateurs compared with her); still, I need the reminder that *my* tone is the household's tone, and that in a properly balanced universe, children aren't the center.
And I like the reminder that refueling isn't just okay, but necessary. It's so easy for us to forget, I think, that self-sacrifice for our families isn't the same thing as self-annihilation -- our children benefit from seeing us conduct ourselves with dignity, as the loving queens of our households.
So, I'm going to go be one now. Queen for the day. And God willing, I'll do the same tomorrow.
Thanks for blessing me today.
(and now, back to our regularly scheduled prayers for each other)
Sally
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4Real Forums : We Pray to the Lord
Topic: difficult child
