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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
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Kathryn, I'd like to direct you to these Videos that Jenn just posted. *Just* before reading your latest post, I listened to 10, 11, and 12 about habit formation. It sounds like he's really got some bad habits to fight here, and I think the speaker does an inspiring job of laying out CM's strategy for instilllling the habit of a given virtue.
Lent might also be a good time to address some of this in a positive way. Like, what if out of love for your son/brother, the entire family gave up screen time for Lent. You could of course do this without such extreme measure, but it you got rid of the screens, maybe even putting the television physically away in the attic so there is no temptation to sneak. And, of course, you can cultivate other habits in its place (like, what will he do now when he rolls out of bed).
It does sound like his personality is very extreme or that his actions are approaching obsessive (like an addiction) for them to rob your family of so much peace. In the face of addiction, extreme measures are necessary where in most people, moderation is doable. I would expect "withdrawal" and "detox" symptoms, but the situation reminds me of the potty lockdown threads, where you just plan for it to be your focus for a set amount of time.
From the frustration you've expressed, I would guess that three things would help as a start: no screen time, keep hands to self, do work and chores in a timely way. Keeping at three for Lent to begin, I would develop a strategy for addressing these issues head on. I think you need strategies that will keep you calm., which is why I suggest blacking out screen time entirely. You won't have other habits (like lying or sneaking) interfering in your experiment. Then perhaps after your forty days of detox, you will be able to reintroduce using screen time within habits of moderation.
As you said, he's been engaged in these negative behaviors, constantly, for years. It will take a lot of work from everyone to help him change. But, I do think you have to work hard to come at this from a place of love. You know that there is more to him than his annoying habits, and your entire family wants to help him become his best self. It doesn't seem that a punitive oriented approach is working, and you need to find the positive habit to nourish instead of simply getting rid of the negative.
Maybe talk to him about the habit of keeping hands to himself and come up with a signal to remind him that doesn't involve nagging (your simply placing your hands on his hands, for instance, and directing them away from the sprayer), and then "parrot" his appropriate response, "sorry Mom, let me get a towel to clean that mess I made" and have him repeat it back and act accordingly.
Like Angie said, whatever you decide to work on, we'll help you brainstorm, but I do think that you have a series's of habits that need retraining, and you cannot address all of them at once, at this point.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 12:54pm | IP Logged
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It sounds to me like maybe he's desperate for some sort of stimulus and that's why there's not anything you can do that is worse than not getting that screen time. and any screen time is worth the consequences.. like ADD/ADHD actually needs more brain stimulation to feel calm (which is why stimulants like caffiene or ritalin helps them be calmer).
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 1:36pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
It doesn't seem that a punitive oriented approach is working, and you need to find the positive habit to nourish instead of simply getting rid of the negative.
Maybe talk to him about the habit of keeping hands to himself and come up with a signal to remind him that doesn't involve nagging (your simply placing your hands on his hands, for instance, and directing them away from the sprayer), and then "parrot" his appropriate response, "sorry Mom, let me get a towel to clean that mess I made" and have him repeat it back and act accordingly.
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I/We *try* to find some positive attributes but his negative ones are so all consuming, it's extremely difficult. It's not like one slightly annoying, occasional habit, it's his whole personality and demeanor on a constant basis.
And we use the "parrot" approach all.the.time. It's like NOTHING gets thru to him and I think that's why we are so very exasperated because we have tried and tried and tried and repeated and repeated and repeated for so long but he's never been motivated enough to change.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 1:41pm | IP Logged
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JodieLyn wrote:
It sounds to me like maybe he's desperate for some sort of stimulus and that's why there's not anything you can do that is worse than not getting that screen time. and any screen time is worth the consequences.. like ADD/ADHD actually needs more brain stimulation to feel calm (which is why stimulants like caffiene or ritalin helps them be calmer).
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We did get an Rx for ADD meds last year but b/c of all the side effects and other parts of his personality and medical history, we didn't feel comfortable trying it. It's times like these though when he's at a 10 that we think about reconsidering and thinking the side effects might outweigh the other parts.
Like in previous post to Lindsay, there's never been ENOUGH motivation for him to change and the doc would say he CAN't change b/c he NEEDS that stimulation you mention. ?!?!
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 1:47pm | IP Logged
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anitamarie wrote:
Maybe you could keep something in his hands to keep them busy. Like some of these things.
One of my friends did this for her son, and it helped with the fidgets.
The sneaking away is just disrespect, defiance and disobedience. The deadly D's. We do essays or sentences for stuff like this.
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I gave him a squeezy ball I already had for this exact person during a math review earlier and all he did was kept throwing it up in the ceiling and dropping it.  For this particular time it didn't work but it could work. I know I have some of these other things too.
The deadly D's...RIGHT ON! That's exactly what I think. How can I possibly find the positive attributes when it's these that I'm constantly dealing with?!  That's why I use so much punitive. I don't know how to turn it around and parent with love when there's so much negativity.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
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well.. have your tried just something with caffeine? most people I know use coffee.. no sugar.
And there is a middle ground with meds for ADD. A friend has used the meds so that the child could learn coping strategies, since it's really hard when the ADD is preventing the learning. But then once they have those then you can wean them off the meds. So it doesn't have to be long term med use or no med use at all.
do you have a trampoline or swings? Those type of full body movement also tend to help children regulate better.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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Oh and remember that side effects can different from person to person. Just because they're possible doesn't mean that your son would have them. It's also been my experience with different types of meds (not any for ADD but like benedryl and such otc meds) that the more your body uses the med for the intended purpose the less sideeffects there are.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 4:51pm | IP Logged
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Kathryn,
I've skimmed (but not read thoroughly) every response. I don't think I'm going to present anything new. I'm really just underscoring other responses.
My sense is that you're working with a very intense, active, distractible, curious fella. And that makes me  . Because that describes my 11 yo. Try to work with the grain of a boy, rather than against it. Rather than grabbing the reins and pulling back so hard on his activity, use the reins and point him in purposeful directions. I think someone mentioned this already, but it's important enough that it bears repeating: read Meg Meeker's book, Boys Should Be Boys. Go to the library and pick it up tomorrow. You'll be done by the weekend. Give it to your husband to read after that.
Breathe and relax a little!  You have a boy. He needs clear expectations, loving and logical consequences, help and reminders when it comes to "toeing the line," lots and lots of physical activities, lots of love and encouragement.....applied over and over and over again.
Boys are very, very active and physical - and of course some boys more so than others. This is not abnormal, nor something to be tamed. It simply is how a boy operates. They MUST use their hands. They MUST investigate. They MUST be active. They LONG to understand. They NEED to be able to explain and know FOR THEMSELVES. How this boy looks to a mom's eyes:** distracted
** destructive
** physical
** boisterous
** disruptive Boys can be provocative and this almost always plays out in physical ways (swiping the ball from someone else, turning lights on and off, pushing buttons on things to provoke a response).
And....boys are often very selectively focused in order to (a) understand, (b) know, (c) figure out, (d) decipher....whatever it is they are currently focused on.
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1) Ensure P-L-E-N-T-Y of opportunities for boy-focused-hard-working-physical activity. Lots. More than you think is necessary. Way more! 10 yo boys are longing for manly, tough, physical activity. Put him to work! Let him stack wood, shovel snow, clean out dog pens, cut yard (with training), build things, play sports, climb ladders, solder electrical parts and pieces (with dad), etc, etc, ad infinitum. When my boys hear, "no" from me all the time, they become frustrated and act out. A lot. And it's usually because I'm giving a knee-jerk "no" to something physical that they need to explore. Set some healthy boundaries, step outside your comfort zone a little with regard to giving him some more freedom to do boy things that are naturally going to make a mom uncomfortable (pocket knives, open flames, blades that cut....these are biggies and boys NEED them!!!  ). ALLOW HIM TO EXPLORE PHYSICAL OUTLETS OFTEN!
2) When it comes to priorities for habit training our family works very similarly to Angie's suggestions - choose one thing to work on as a family, make it a priority, and tackle it together. Clear expectations. Clear consequences. Neutral voice. One.habit.at.a.time. Priority work!Family Meeting to identify the priority
We have a family meeting, identify family behaviors that need work (ex: disrespectful tone). Dad's presence and leadership here is important! Boys look to dad!!!!! In the family meeting we talk about respectful ways we can use words, like ways that we might ask questions seeking to understand how to do a job. We explain our expectations --> if you speak disrespectfully (snotty tone, talking back), I will immediately stop everything and expect you to rephrase your words. No matter where we are. No matter who is standing there. Period.
Before the family meeting
Husband and I meet and talk together before our family meeting to discuss and identify a problem - don't overcomplicate this....don't bring in all sorts of mitigating factors and reasons....just identify the problem, ie: snotty tone. Dh and I decide together ahead of time on our approach so we can work together as a team. Make consequences logical, and don't REMOVE physical activities as part of the consequence; physical work is too needful for a young boy, any boy. If the problem is a snotty tone, he needs to correct it and make it NOT-snotty. The consequence has to be simple for you to remember, and simple for him to complete.
After the family meeting
In the course of the day, if snotty tone arises: identify no-longer-accepted behavior in neutral but firm way, and require respect. (neutral but firm voice - this is to convey my authority, which as we have already identified in the family meeting, is supported by DAD'S AUTHORITY!!!!!! This is super important for a boy!! It's also to convey that we meant business and are serious about our habit training priority and to underscore family expectation) --> "That is disrespectful - rephrase your words." Period. All hands on deck. All focus on one habit at a time. Making use of any tools, removing any obstacles. Priority work!
Some boys need a little extra help in removing obstacles that may get in the way of them bringing their attention to a task (like completing a chore, or lessons). This generally means: orderly spaces (or at least an orderly area where you are asking him to do some work), you looking with his eyes for visual distractions, employing the gift of time to help you so that distractions are at a minimum, identifying potential curiosities (that end up being distractions). On curiosities: (and this could be the pencil with the eraser that can flip halfway over, carpet with a snag, desk with a hole right in the center, etc.) I find it helpful to provide/encourage a time for a boy to investigate, enough so that it is no longer a distraction. Keep your expectations reasonable. Break up the time you require attention and focus with some purposeful physical activity. If he is bouncing around and going bonkers - he needs activity. Give him one, but it needs to be useful, purposeful. If it's not useful a boy will usually react to their perception of that job (as silly) by not doing the job.
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Taking some of your particular examples:
Kathryn wrote:
| 2) ****Constantly***** redirecting him to do his tasks from basic eat your breakfast, brush your teeth to math to reading to whatever lesson at hand. He makes what SHOULD be a 10-15 minutes job, lesson etc. take 5x as long dragging everyone else down because he won't move along. |
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Yes. Some of this must be done. Redirection is a mother's middle name or rather her moniker....(please think of an image of Arnold in the Terminator when you say this: MOMMY- THE REDIRECTOR. Tiring, but necessary. Work on your habit of redirecting neutrally and I think this will help you. Also, take one job (eating breakfast) and define it a little better....and then make it the priority and work on it. Be neutral, even positive -->Me: We've been getting started a little late lately, so to help us I'm going to close the kitchen at 8:30 so we'll know it's time to move on. There will be no eating after 8:30. The kitchen will re-open for lunch at noon. Do you each understand what I mean? Great. Kitchen closes tomorrow at 8:30.  Don't worry about the other things you'll still have to redirect....ONE HABIT AT A TIME!!!! After everyone is in the habit of finishing breakfast at a certain time, move on to morning ablutions. This one's simple around here - you don't eat unless you've made your bed, gotten dressed, done morning chores. People like to eat here....so they do their morning work expediently!
Kathryn wrote:
| 3) Turning on the tv and/or computer without permission....again, constant, constant, constant. He's had privileges revoked, not allowed to go to friend's houses because of it, not allowed to have friend's over, not allowed upstairs and yet every.single.second he can possibly sneak it by us, he does it. I've taken away the internet key (which he was taking to play his video game), I took his web cam he got for Christmas, I've taken his favorite Zoo Tycoon game, I've taken his Nintendo. Again...all his favorite "button pushing" things but when you roll out of bed and go upstairs to watch cartoons or play your video game, you lose privileges for the day. It's like he can NEVER earn privileges. |
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My first reaction to this is that there are a lot of electronics involved. My blink response? Put them all in the top of your closet. Every one of them. Electronics can be an enjoyable appliance, used in moderation. For a boy, they can bring on SERIOUS behavior issues - acting out, physical aggression, impulsive behaviors. I could go on, but I won't. This one would be easy for me, and no-nonsense. No more electronic anything, except an electronic toothbrush. A withdrawal period is to be expected. Insert physical activity of choice here x100.
Kathryn wrote:
| Always pushing the envelope.... |
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Yep. That's a fella! Let him push it a little!! I had to do some habit training in terms of my thought process for this - ** Is this an issue of respect? Rephrase.
** Is he just being physical? (may be loud, boisterous, annoying, perhaps even dangerous to me. send him outside and let him be physical.)
** Can I redirect his physical activity in a purposeful way? (make a list of these with your husband ahead of time because you will have a hard time thinking in the moment!  )
** Am I saying no to something I could be saying yes to?
** Could I say yes if I requested a boundary or a requirement? (Yes, you can burn the burnpile in the backyard as soon as dad is home - for now, get all the kindling together and in place and stack the burnpile, then finish your work so that you're ready to go when Dad gets home.)
Kathryn wrote:
| backtalk, mouthing, groaning if he doesn't like something, rude to siblings etc. |
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All of this falls under the heading of disrespect in our home and it's all tackled the same way. After a family meeting so we can identify examples of disrespect (being rude to siblings, groaning, mouthing off, backtalk), and giving our explanations clearly with Dad being the clear leader, and mom agreeing to support and carry out Dad's leadership it looks like this:DISRESPECT -->
Me: That was disrespectful, choose different words and tone. ************************************************************ *
I know it's hard not to hit the roof!!!! My husband and I sometimes have to have little debrief sessions in the evening, after bedtime just so I can blow off a little steam! Am I really dating myself if I quote The Honeymooners??? One of these days.....POW! right in the kisser. THAT'S HOW I FEEL some days! What's important is training myself to act decisively, firmly, with authority (because I have authority and I'm also supporting Dad's authority), with a moderate voice. It isn't a voice or response that is completely detached and robotic. In fact, it can be loving. It's a voice that says, "We've talked about this, you understood, I'm requiring you to toe the line."
to you, Kathryn! We're cheering you on!  
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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CrunchyMom
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 5:35pm | IP Logged
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Kathryn wrote:
CrunchyMom wrote:
It doesn't seem that a punitive oriented approach is working, and you need to find the positive habit to nourish instead of simply getting rid of the negative.
Maybe talk to him about the habit of keeping hands to himself and come up with a signal to remind him that doesn't involve nagging (your simply placing your hands on his hands, for instance, and directing them away from the sprayer), and then "parrot" his appropriate response, "sorry Mom, let me get a towel to clean that mess I made" and have him repeat it back and act accordingly.
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I/We *try* to find some positive attributes but his negative ones are so all consuming, it's extremely difficult. It's not like one slightly annoying, occasional habit, it's his whole personality and demeanor on a constant basis. |
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Sorry, that may not have been clear. What I meant was whatever his bad habit is, find the opposite good habit (that he is obviously struggling with) and work on that. So, if he is being disrespectful, instead of the negative "stop it" actively work on the habit of speaking respectfully to others.
__________________
Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 13 2012 at 11:06pm | IP Logged
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Mackfam wrote:
read Meg Meeker's book, Boys Should Be Boys. Go to the library and pick it up tomorrow. You'll be done by the weekend. Give it to your husband to read after that.
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I already went to library once today and I made back to the library 2 minutes before closing before I had to pick up my oldest from ballet.  I actually did read this book last year when the discussion was going on but I grabbed it again and actually it was sandwiched between 2 other books about raising boys so I'm going to look thru as well.
Mackfam wrote:
| Boys can be provocative and this almost always plays out in physical ways (swiping the ball from someone else, turning lights on and off, pushing buttons on things to provoke a response). |
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Oh and how I **try** not to let it push my buttons it just does. 
Mackfam wrote:
My first reaction to this is that there are a lot of electronics involved. My blink response? Put them all in the top of your closet. Every one of them. Electronics can be an enjoyable appliance, used in moderation. For a boy, they can bring on SERIOUS behavior issues - acting out, physical aggression, impulsive behaviors. I could go on, but I won't. This one would be easy for me, and no-nonsense. No more electronic anything, except an electronic toothbrush. A withdrawal period is to be expected. Insert physical activity of choice here x100. |
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I've always felt like we do limit it in moderation but I guess when it becomes his be all/end all focus, they do need to be put away. Problem I do remember after reading about in the Meeker book is it seems I'm "fighting" on either end with this. I'm either constantly doing diligence here to minimize it and yet still give him some of this wired world he seeks and yet most of the neighbor kids and other friends are all "wired" and that's 80% of what they want to do. We sooo limit it relative to so many of these other kids but then when we do, the other boys limit wanting to hang out with him b/c I keep saying "NO...go play outside!" I mean, we live in TX, our weather is pretty mild so on any given week there's usually at least several days of play outside weather. Me, him and the baby actually went to the park for about 30 minutes after 1st library trip and picking up 2nd daughter from ballet even tho it was 49 degrees. I just felt he needed to spin that merry go round, climb the playground etc....even at 11.
So, I need my notebook out to take notes. I get all these ideas jumbling around in my head and then forget to implement half of them. I did ask DH to put a code on upstairs computer and tv so once they're turned on NO ONE can watch or do anything w/o us actually going up there and knowing what's going on. Then we keep the internet key downstairs so I've "locked" it away (where it used to just sit on my desk down here which is how he would sneak it but I've hidden it now). Plus, the rule has always been to only use the internet when we're up there to supervise what they're doing on the web.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Kathryn, I'd like to direct you to these Videos that Jenn just posted. *Just* before reading your latest post, I listened to 10, 11, and 12 about habit formation.
what if out of love for your son/brother, the entire family gave up screen time for Lent. You could of course do this without such extreme measure, but it you got rid of the screens, maybe even putting the television physically away in the attic so there is no temptation to sneak.
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I'll check out those videos. I tried to watch tonight but too much else going.
Re putting away the tv's, welll...not really loving that idea. Actually I think the heart of the screen time is the disobedience and disrespect for the rules that it's not to be watched until after 4 and with permission. Computer games are week-end only. So, I understand, in theory, but really we all use the computer and tv in other ways throughout our day...DH in morning w/ news, I run a part-time computer business, oldest DD uses it for her schoolwork, I plop the 2 youngest in front of Baby Einstein and/or Little Bear when I need to do focus work with him so I feel like it's so limited already. I've just got to get back to the heart of him obeying and respecting the house rules. The one thing I would like to have is DH NOT turn it on in the evening until all the kids are in bed. This is one area that does cause friction and upset b/c kids are trying to see what dad's watching instead of being in bed. But then again, I should limit going back to computer until after they're in bed too but I usu. come in here to prep for the next day and check emails b/c by the time they're in bed, I'm pooped. 
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Angie Mc
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Kathryn, tell me:
10 things that are great about you as a person.
10 things that are great about you as a mother.
10 things that are great about your son.
10 things that are great about your family.
Thanks!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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CrunchyMom
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Kathryn wrote:
CrunchyMom wrote:
Kathryn, I'd like to direct you to these Videos that Jenn just posted. *Just* before reading your latest post, I listened to 10, 11, and 12 about habit formation.
what if out of love for your son/brother, the entire family gave up screen time for Lent. You could of course do this without such extreme measure, but it you got rid of the screens, maybe even putting the television physically away in the attic so there is no temptation to sneak.
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I'll check out those videos. I tried to watch tonight but too much else going.
Re putting away the tv's, welll...not really loving that idea. Actually I think the heart of the screen time is the disobedience and disrespect for the rules that it's not to be watched until after 4 and with permission. Computer games are week-end only. So, I understand, in theory, but really we all use the computer and tv in other ways throughout our day...DH in morning w/ news, I run a part-time computer business, oldest DD uses it for her schoolwork, I plop the 2 youngest in front of Baby Einstein and/or Little Bear when I need to do focus work with him so I feel like it's so limited already. I've just got to get back to the heart of him obeying and respecting the house rules. The one thing I would like to have is DH NOT turn it on in the evening until all the kids are in bed. This is one area that does cause friction and upset b/c kids are trying to see what dad's watching instead of being in bed. But then again, I should limit going back to computer until after they're in bed too but I usu. come in here to prep for the next day and check emails b/c by the time they're in bed, I'm pooped. |
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I think having the codes on them might be a good compromise, and perhaps for Lent, you can simply make some more rigid goals for its usage.
However, I never thought you'd "love" the idea ...which is why I thought it would be a good experiment for Lent.
In my opinion, even if there are other issues at the heart of his using the television (like disrespect and disobedience, lying, sneaking, etc...), if this is a major area where he so consistently can't control those impulses, *I* would take away the temptation completely so I could *better* work on those other areas. Lent means it isn't forever or indefinite.
Anyway, you certainly have to make these choices with your dh in the context of your unique family dynamic. I just wanted to clarify that, in my experience, getting rid of the thing most likely to be the source of conflict is often the speediest course for creating family peace, creating an environment where it is easier to work on the virtues of obedience and respect without added temptation and distraction.
Whether it is because of the chemical and physiological issues of ADHD, an emotional need that you haven't diagnosed, an issue of bad habits, or a combination of all three, it seems clear to me that your son is suffering. I can't imagine the pain when you love someone so much and yet struggle to "like" them so much. I know you are suffering, too.
Have you read Five Love Languages for Children? Not trying to overload you with resources, but I think its also possible for dynamics like this to be cyclical. Your son probably perceives that you don't like being around him, and he may be interpreting that as not feeling *loved* and acting out in annoying behavior accordingly, which means you don't like being around him, etc... Perhaps Five Love Languages would help you find specific things you can do to try and make sure your son knows he is loved. You can love immensely, but if a child doesn't *feel* loved (maybe you have very different love languages), his behavior WILL suffer. Perhaps that would be a better activity for Lent, working to discover your son's love language and forcing yourself to use it in a special way every day. In case you haven't figured it out, I do think that Lent will afford you a unique opportunity to address this issue
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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anitamarie
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Oh, Kathryn, to you. I've been thinking a lot about your situation with your ds. I have soooo been there, more than once.
A few more things came to mind that we do when we are having a particularly hard time with one of the dc. As hard as it is, we try to spend a little one on one with that child doing something he/she likes. It helps us to re-connect and remember what we love most about that child. We both try to do it so that we both can reconnect with that child. It's amazing the turnaround we have seen in some behaviors when we do this.
Also, you sound like you need a break from him for at least a little bit. If at all possible, maybe your dh could take just him for some guy time on the weekend. That would give him the attention he needs and wants, give him time with another male, give him time alone with a parent, and give you a rest from the behaviors that are bothering you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
About him, it's got to be a little hard for him to be surrounded by female people all day long. (Again, time with Dad, even helping Dad on a project can be helpful here.) Especially ones who so easily do the things that he's having trouble doing. He probably wants to do the right thing, but can't even wrap his brain around how to begin. Also, he may be feeling bad about not being able to meet your expectations, and some of his negativity and acting out could be coming from there. One of my dc has actually said, "No matter how hard I try, I can't make things turn out the way I want." (Welcome to the human race, right?) But it was said from a place of frustration from not being able to conquer certain habits.
It's so obvious how much you love him and want to help him be the man God made him to be. I'll be praying for you. You are not alone.
God Bless,
Anita
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Kathryn
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Angie Mc wrote:
Kathryn, tell me:
10 things that are great about you as a person.
10 things that are great about you as a mother.
10 things that are great about your son.
10 things that are great about your family.
Thanks!
Love, |
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I'll have to work on that. Honestly, coming up with 10 for each category will require some effort. I might need DH's help with that. I've done this in the past but do need the reminder to shift the brain gear from all the negativity.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 14 2012 at 9:13pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Have you read Five Love Languages for Children? Not trying to overload you with resources, but I think its also possible for dynamics like this to be cyclical.
In case you haven't figured it out, I do think that Lent will afford you a unique opportunity to address this issue |
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I haven't ever read the book but I did check out that site a few weeks back when someone had referenced it on another chat. Yes, cyclical would def. be what happens.
We are starting to gear up for Lent and think about this all. One thing none of us have done in a while is go to Confession so that is step 1 right now.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 14 2012 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
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anitamarie wrote:
It helps us to re-connect and remember what we love most about that child. We both try to do it so that we both can reconnect with that child. It's amazing the turnaround we have seen in some behaviors when we do this.
If at all possible, maybe your dh could take just him for some guy time on the weekend.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
He probably wants to do the right thing, but can't even wrap his brain around how to begin. Also, he may be feeling bad about not being able to meet your expectations, and some of his negativity and acting out could be coming from there. One of my dc has actually said, "No matter how hard I try, I can't make things turn out the way I want." |
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Yes, I've been trying to remember the good points (as Angie pointed out) and WRITE THEM DOWN! I've done this several times when it seems we reach a climax in behavior like this.
Also, DH hunts and we have some land in OK but he hasn't been in a while. DS LOVES going up there and running wild. It really does reset the internal attitude for both DH and DS. They need to get up there before baseball season starts. Funny thing is that he does then call and "miss me" sooo much when he's gone.
Last, SOMETIMES, I *know* in my heart he TRIES to do the right thing but so many times it comes out wrong and then he gets defensive and the attitude wall comes up.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Angie Mc
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| Posted: Feb 15 2012 at 10:34am | IP Logged
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Kathryn wrote:
Angie Mc wrote:
Kathryn, tell me:
10 things that are great about you as a person.
10 things that are great about you as a mother.
10 things that are great about your son.
10 things that are great about your family.
Thanks!
Love, |
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I'll have to work on that. Honestly, coming up with 10 for each category will require some effort. I might need DH's help with that. I've done this in the past but do need the reminder to shift the brain gear from all the negativity. |
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Kathryn, you are doing a great job and really working this thing! I'm really proud of you (hope that doesn't sound patronizing .) You are right, a brain shift in focus from the negative to the positive is important. Yet I was going more for the practical.
For example, I can think of a person in my life about whom I would be hard pressed to come up with more that 4 objectively great things about them (beyond the obvious that the person is a child of God, etc) . I know this sounds uncharitable and harsh, but its my honest truth. Plus, this person can be very difficult...far outweighing the good shared with me. Needless to say, this is a very strained relationship.
Yet, I am a great cook. (OK, I'm not really great but it fits with my "great" question format.) And, this person really loves to eat...really appreciates and values food. So...I combine these 2 great things to form 1 powerful relationship builder.
Let's say you are great at cooking and your ds loves to create things. You could make this into a powerful relationship builder + deal positively with habit formation. Your ds could find a recipe that he would like to make, you could help him make it, + you could talk about the importance of attention to his hands (they need to be clean, fingers rolled away from knife blade, holding utensils properly, etc.)
I'm certainly convinced that there are way more than 10 things about you and your family that make you GREAT! So if you would like to pick your strongest things, we could help brainstorm ways to combine them for power!
Our family relies heavily on our strengths. We manage our weaknesses, too, but it is from our strengths that we are able to face those weaknesses!
Keep up the great work!
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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Kathryn
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| Posted: Feb 27 2012 at 7:33pm | IP Logged
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Ok...so I haven't forgotten about this thread. I'm still working on my 10 great things list. However, I have done some serious pondering and praying about this situation and the ebb and flow of it. I know there are certain areas that make life with this child easier but sometimes it does require a lot of management on my part and when I get lax...we see the effects. So, I've tried to get more focused in re-implementing ways to help him. I've also been brought to my knees in the way I have negatively REACTED to this child on many occasions. So, this Lent is being spent with ME making some serious changes in how I respond and parent him. I am already seeing more peace and while far from perfect, if I can get my reactions under control, that would help immensely.
Continued prayers and insights appreciated.
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Kathryn in TX
(dd 16, ds 15, dd 8, dd 5)
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Maureen
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Kathryn,
You've sure got your hands full! I just wanted to offer a word of encouragement. Your son sounds a lot like my sister-in-law's son. He was a challenge. My brother-in-law said that he really had to learn to choose his battles. In the end, they did end up putting him on some medication. Though, he still required a lot of effort to train. (I'm definitely not saying that medication is the solution for your son; that is for your family to determine. Incidentally, I heard my in-laws mention once that they thought perhaps his ADHD was a result of some strong drugs he had to take as a baby when he had RSV. So, they felt that it had altered something in his brain.)
My encouragement is that this boy, now 21, has turned out to be a great guy. He still has his "energy," but he knows how to better direct it. And he has just married a very organized, type A girl, who helps keep him structured.
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Maureen, mom to 8 treasures
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: The difficult child
