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Pilgrim
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 4:04pm | IP Logged
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CatholicMommy wrote:
cathhomeschool wrote:
CatholicMommy wrote:
Me, not wanting an argument: "J, I am washing dishes now; please check the living room for any dishes."
J: "I didn't leave any dishes in the living room!"
Me: "Just bring me whatever is there, please."
J: "These are YOUR dishes. Not mine."
Me: "That's ok. I just need them so I can wash dishes. Please go back to what you were doing now."
J: "Well I didn't leave them in there."
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LOL. I get that same conversation here!! *The key* for me is to not engage (which is exactly what you did). Some days I fail miserably.
When mine are being annoying to each other (the screeching thing) I send the offending parties outside or to their rooms. "But I didn't do anything!" "I didn't say you did. You need to go outside and get some energy out." Or "I didn't do anything!" "I asked you to stop arguing and you didn't. You can go to your room and argue by yourself." (Sometimes I encourage them towards obedience by adding "Yes Ma'am is the only answer.") I do think boredom and personality are large factors in the screeching type things. |
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I am all for improving things around here.
May I ask how the interaction I described above was "engaging" him. Once I made my last statement, I returned to washing the dishes, he stared at me for a few seconds, then went back to his project. That is how most of these sorts of interactions go. He starts his defense-mode, I tell him essentially "I don't care" (in not as few words) and that's it. He can mope and fight and argue all he wants; the only things he gets is entirely ignored (he doesn't throw fits - he only did it twice and realized the reaction he gets, so he doesn't bother).
I guess I'm just not sure how it was still engagement - something I have always tried to avoid.
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Like Lindsay said, I'm not Janette, and I'm sure she'll clarify, but I also took it as she was saying you "did not engage", as in, you were doing the right thing.  It seemed she was agreeing with you.
On another not, I've been getting some of the SAME arguments you are getting out of your son from our 4 yo.  I'll ask him to pick up items from the floor, or some such, and I get "'so and so' did that". Boy is that frustrating.
I've been telling him, "Listen, even IF "so and so" did that, you are part of the family, and if I ask you to do something to be a helper to ANYONE in this family, you need to do so. We all do a lot of work here, and you can be a helper to Mommy and the family when I ask you to do something, so please do as I asked". Other times my response is more like "Okay, you're right, pick it up anyway." 
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SallyT
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 4:08pm | IP Logged
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Heh. Boys.
One thing I do which does somewhat derail the "Wha? Wha'd I do? I didn't do anything" thing is to say, for example, "You are screeching at the baby, and that's inappropriate table behavior.* It needs to stop." It doesn't always stop immediately, but if I've pointed out what they're doing, they at least can't argue so much that they weren't doing it.
Sally
(and yes, my kids could argue with me for hours over whether or not they should have to put dishes in the dishwasher or take the trash out. "But it's not my dishes!" *sigh*)
*We don't have a baby any more, so the child I'm thinking of right now can't go, "But she's screeching! Why do you let her? You love her the most!" That would certainly happen if we had a baby at the table.
If we did have a baby, I think I'd say, "That's inappropriate table behavior for anyone over the age of one" -- or however old the screeching baby is.
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 7:45pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for the clarification! I could read it that way too - I just didn't at first 
Thank you!
Ok, back to the original thread
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 8:03pm | IP Logged
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CrunchyMom wrote:
CatholicMommy wrote:
I guess I'm just not sure how it was still engagement - something I have always tried to avoid.
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I'm not Janette, but when I read her post originally, I thought she meant what you did was "not engage." In reading your post, I see that it looked like she was saying the opposite, so I'm sure she'll come clarify herself. But I'm pretty sure she meant to say that you did the right thing. |
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Lindsay's right. That's exactly what I meant -- that you didn't engage him and that that was a good thing. Sorry for the confusion!!
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cathhomeschool
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 8:07pm | IP Logged
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BTW this conversation has been so good for me as I think the desire to engage from my 10yo has been stronger this week...or maybe I'm noticing it more or have less patience this week! I keep letting the little record play "Do not engage. Do not engage. Do not engage." This evening I finally told him that I'd have to start charging him money for wasting my time (which is valuable) if he wants to keep talking at me when I've made a decision. ...He then proceeded to try to talk at me one more time... All that because I'm making him read Rolf and the Viking Bow instead of his choice, Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I'm horrible, I know...
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CatholicMommy
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| Posted: Jan 18 2012 at 8:30pm | IP Logged
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Thank you all for the clarification! I could read it that way too - I just didn't at first
Thank you!
Ok, back to the original thread
(I thought I had posted this earlier, but I just came back to the tab, and it said I had tried to spam the forum and didn't post. I'm not sure what happened there... so I'll hit post now and see what happens )
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: When a child thinks they do no wrong
