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Betsy
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cecilia4kids wrote:
Have you ladies with a few children (like 4 or less) do you ever feel being judge by those with larger families as to why you don't have more? |
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More than a few times I have had Catholic women say to my face that I have x years of fertility left and I should have this many kids by then. In each of these instances they had no knowledge of my life circumstances of what my pregnancies entailed.
It's a very hard cross to bear when you are doing God's Will and get criticized by the very people that should be supporting you. My prayers are with you.
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Pilgrim
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Thank you ladies who've struggled wth not being blessed with more children, and wanting more, for sharing your hearts.  It's so good to share these things so we can see the road others are walking, to have a new perspective, and maybe not judge so much! It can come from both sides of the fence(misunderstandings, judgements). It is so true, we all as faithful Catholics should not judge each other's circumstances when we know not what others are going through.  We usually receive statements from others about spacing our children, or stopping all together. People can be so ridiculous in what they say. We are all so blessed to be part of this forum where we can share, support, learn and grow!
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JennGM
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cecilia4kids wrote:
Have you ladies with a few children (like 4 or less) do you ever feel being judge by those with larger families as to why you don't have more? |
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I have only two children here on earth, and we have been blessed with primary and secondary infertility, miscarriages, and high risk pregnancies.
I sometimes *feel* judged, but that's just my own perception, as no one has approached me. I have been slighted a few times when I'm planning or doing things for *only* my two and others have a larger crew and I "wouldn't understand."
Like Pilgrim said, it's different crosses for each side, and I have to keep my eyes on my own cross.
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Lisbet
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JennGM wrote:
| Pilgrim said, it's different crosses for each side, and I have to keep my eyes on my own cross. |
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Absolutely! Thanks for saying this Jenn.
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leanne maree
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We have 4 children.
3 arrived in quick succession.
1 dd arrived 6 years later.
that was 13 years ago.
we are open and desire more.
My dh & I must be happy and content with the little gifts we have been given though.
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Martha
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9 with number 10 due in 10 weeks.
Sure I feel overwhelmed sometimes.
I remember feeling that way with 2.
I think parenting is just hard.
At least the more I have, the more I learn, and the better - I hope - I do as the years pass.
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JodieLyn
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What's somewhat shocking is that it wasn't that long ago that it wasn't polite to mention a lady was pregnant in mixed company.. and now strangers will stop you in the veggie aisle at the grocery store and ask very personal questions like they have the right to know the answers 
I am just very thankful for the lovely people who smile at children and compliment good behavior, whether there's 1 or 15 in the group. 
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amyable
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5 here on earth, with 4 suspected miscarriages (early). Dh's pain/back issues leave me mostly single parenting/caring for the house so he has decided NFP is the way to go for us for now. I'm 42 so it's probably forever. Not that we don't WANT more... although some days...  
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guitarnan
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We have two...quite far apart, due to secondary infertility.
With so many friends bearing the difficult cross of infertility, I am so very grateful for my two. I think large families are wonderful and try to say so when given the opportunity (especially when grocery shopping, etc. - prime time for negative comments about large families  ).
I am blessed to be a part of a co-op where families of all shapes and sizes are made to feel equally welcome. I know what a blessing this is...and I do try to pass it on.
I am in my very late 40's and know for sure that it's time for me to start looking forward to grandchildren, great-nieces and great-nephews (unless we are called to help out with our nieces, which we are very ready to do).
I think being in this phase of life is another waiting time (Deborah's comments really ring true to me - we moms need to accept so many things, don't we?) and I hope I'm doing a good job of waiting for God to reveal a bit more of His plan for us.
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VanessaVH
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We have 3 currently, (ages 5, 3 & 2) with another due in 9 weeks, and 1 born into heaven last June at 12-16 weeks gestation, and another possible very early miscarriage in 04'.
I question every day how I am going to mother 4 children under 6, it scares me to death. I have always wanted a large family (which to me is anything more than 5....)But the fact that we have ended up all C/S has me worried about health implications of having more.
This pregnancy has been the hardest yet, and I am not sure if that is because of all the C/S, or because it came so close (3 months) after the miscarriage and the emotional and physical implications of that. At this point I am not sure what I am scared of more; having more children, or having a medical need to use NFP for a long time, as the phase 2 is extremely hard for DH (and consequently me!) Just trying to plug along and trust, and hoping that my uterus looks good when they do the C/S!
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mom3aut1not
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Katherine,
Don't get me wrong -- I love my kids, and I appreciate the differences that the ASD kids have. It's just the prospect of being over 50 and having a child even more impaired that the ones I already have in addition to their needs.... that's overwhelming. So, I am just hoping that God doesn't want us to have any more. If He does, then I accept that, but it would be very hard. I'm definitely older in a physical way than I was at 42. I am not sure how to explain it; I know that I didn't feel substantially different between early adulthood and mid-forties, but after that, I did feel older. Not old, just older and different. Clear as mud, but that's the best I can articulate it for now. It feels as though I am moving on to a different stage in life which I guess is true.
I do have to say that I have never had the experience of feeling judged for my little family. (After people saw one or two of my SN kids in action, they didn't tend to be judgmental about the size of our family.) I have been judged a rotten mother because of the behavior of a couple of my children. (Having a chid melt down in public because she's terrified if you don't hold your hands on the shopping cart in a certain way but you have to write the check gets you the "If you'd just spank her, she wouldn't be so spoiled" line and general disapproval.)
I do have friends who have gotten a lot of flack for the size of their largish families. I know someone else who has only one child and felt that people were judging her. I know it's hard; I just haven't experienced that except from my mother. but then she raised not to have any children at all.
One thing that did happen that was sort of humorous was when I was coming out of an expensive food store with a friend. I had all my children at the time with me, and she had three of her children with her. This was not the kind of place we would normally shop at, but it was fun to look. As we left, a woman approached us and asked if we were daycare providers or nannies or something. I don't remember the specific term as it was twenty years ago. My friend said (in an somewhat offended and stern way} "Madam! These are our children!" I'll never forget the way she said that. I guess people in that expensive neighborhood were not used to seeing women with three children each unless they were childcare providers of some sort.
Deborah
Mom to Elizabeth 28, Kathryn 25, Kristin 23, and Joseph 11
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Nat B
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Martha wrote:
9 with number 10 due in 10 weeks.
Sure I feel overwhelmed sometimes.
I remember feeling that way with 2.
I think parenting is just hard.
At least the more I have, the more I learn, and the better - I hope - I do as the years pass. |
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Thank you for the reminder Martha - I had forgotten that I found two children very hard too. We are the largest family in our parish, and only know one other family with five children, so it seems to strange to have this many children - everyone we meet has some sort of comment for us. Sometimes I blame being stressed on the amount of children, forgetting that I have found mothering difficult from the beginning (I am very introverted). But God is good - He knows what we need. I hate to remember the selfish girl I was before children  . It is always the days I forget to focus on God and his goodness that I struggle.
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cecilia4kids wrote:
Have you ladies with a few children (like 4 or less) do you ever feel being judge by those with larger families as to why you don't have more? |
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Oh, Yes. In fact, I have had people in one of the Catholic Homeschool groups I was in ask me outright why we didn't have more (and once it wasn't like we were just talking between the two of us, we were in a group of people. I was dumbfounded.)
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krygerzoo
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Deborah, I knew you weren't complaining about your kiddos! You obviously love them like crazy!! You are a dedicated mother and your children are so blessed to have you!  God specifically chose YOU to love them! It can be so overwhelming, though.
And as for being tired -- I'm 42 and can feel my slowing d*o*w*n  ! I totally empathize with you because having a two year old is waaaaaay different than older children with ASD. I have older kids that are a help to me.
Oh, and the judgement.... ack! It is hard to be in public with their meltdowns. They "look so normal" and people just think 1) the kid is a spoiled brat &/or 2) you are a lousy parent. Argh. Heavy cross.
Blessings,
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I have definitely felt the need to have a T-shirt made that explained our situation, especially since we teach NFP. We once had a priest interject when my husband was giving a brief overview of NFP to an RCIA class that since we hadn't had a baby since my son (who was 6 at the time), that NFP obviously works great - when in actuality we hadn't used NFP to avoid pregnancy once in those 6 years. Another time, someone was talking to our son who was maybe 5 at the time, and tried to get him to say to us, "Where's my sister?" (in what he thought would be a cute, demanding sort of way) when we had JUST miscarried... and my son knew it.
I cannot believe the things that people say to those with larger families, either, and wish folks could just smile and enjoy all of our beautiful children, no matter how many or few.
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We have four kids, all girls. At this time we have no intention of seeking another pregnancy anytime soon if ever, but we would happily accept another baby if it is God's will. I won't get into all of the reasons we will be choosing to abstain, as some are quite personal.
In our area, there are not many families with more than three kids. I think four or five is about the average for the "large" Catholic family around here. We are more likely to hear comments about "trying for a boy".
I am more likely to hear knocks from my closer friends about having too many kids. My parents (dad is practicing Catholic, mom is Baptist) are highly skeptical of NFP and make comments about how we should stop having kids/"get tubes tied". One of my friends is a practicing Catholic (attends Mass faithfully, highly active in parish) but has always had a blindspot for the rules of Catholic chastity and contraception, often refers to children as burdens, and has announced since before his marriage three years ago that he doesn't want kids.
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Chris V
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We have three little girls. Three of the loveliest little princessy-pink little girls  I would *love*, LOVE to have more ... but my husband is content . I could begin an entirely new thread on this, because I'm sure that I'm not alone in this struggle. All I can do is pray about it. God's will be done. I'm happy that I have them, and will forever remain open to life ... with God, nothing is impossible - especially the conversion of hearts!
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mamaslearning
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Barbara C. wrote:
| We have four kids, all girls. At this time we have no intention of seeking another pregnancy anytime soon if ever, but we would happily accept another baby if it is God's will. I won't get into all of the reasons we will be choosing to abstain, as some are quite personal. |
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This is me as well. This has been a very difficult decision.
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make comments about how we should stop having kids/"get tubes tied".
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I was given a lecture after this birth and all the events that transpired, and was told that I should get my tubes tied so that it wouldn't become a burden to my husband (the abstinence).
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cecilia4kids
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Oh, yes, as NFP teachers, that is the common thought, oh, they are using NFP just perfect since they have their perfect size family, etc not knowing that its not to prevent but to seek and isn't happening!
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| Tracy: I have definitely felt the need to have a T-shirt made that explained our situation, especially since we teach NFP. |
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Here is interesting post: http://simchafisher.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/why-doesnt-the- church-just-make-a-list/
God Bless,
Cecilia
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SallyT
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We are converts who contracepted for many years of our marriage -- I have (in the right company, mind you) joked that you can track our conversion process by the spacing of our children. We have four: a daughter, 17; a son, 13; a son, 8; and a daughter, 7. See what I mean?
This whole process, incidentally, was very fraught, with my husband and I not on the same page with regard to Catholic teaching (and for the sake of clarity, before anyone assumes anything, he WAS on board with it, and I was not). This is the kind of thing that I'm not about to spill to someone at coffee after Mass, by the way, whereas I'll apparently tell the world on the internet. Such is the weirdness of life.
At the time our youngest daughter was born, we were in a state of fairly severe financial hardship; going from artificial birth control to NFP, even, was an enormous leap of faith and felt very "open" to us by contrast. We'd have welcomed more children, and I had my fingers crossed for a long time, but felt that our reasons for at least making what felt like a token gesture towards avoiding pregnancy (and I know it's not a token, but that is what it feels like when you're coming from the "total protection" mentality) were serious and prudent.
I was 39 when my youngest was born and began intense perimenopause at 41. By 44 my cycles were done. So what we have is what we have. I put on some weight during that time, and people were continually asking me if I was expecting -- I always felt worse for them than for myself, because I knew that no matter how I tried to answer, I'd make them embarrassed. I did have a hard time letting go of the "one more baby" dream, but am pretty much at peace with it now.
Family size is funny, though: in my extended family, my generation reproduces at a rate of two children per couple, maximum. My brother and sister-in-law are childless by choice. So from their perspective, we're rabbit-breeding freaks, and we've gotten snide comments about overpopulation and "concerns" that we can't possibly give that many children adequate attention. Meanwhile, in homeschooling Catholic circles, for a long time I felt like a phony for not having ten children (and that was me making myself feel that way, not anything anyone ever said). Let me tell you, I'm far more comfortable surrounded by people with big families than by people whose default setting is to be "done" before they ever started.
I also think it's absolutely true that no matter how many children you have, your hands are full. When I had one child, I was consumed by her. When I had two, I was consumed by them. Ditto three and four. It's not like having fewer children makes you somehow more part-time as a parent, with so much more time to spare from the ol' mom job.
And I thought that post and comment thread at Simcha's were a great read.
Sally
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: How many children do you have?
