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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: Jan 03 2011 at 9:40am | IP Logged
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I'm at a loss where to place my ponderings and questions. And there are several.
The kids and I are headed to Mass at the Cathedral...guess I'll start there, huh  ...and then to eat w/ friends.
While I'm gone, I'll leave you w/ my post Simpler Expectations (which probably should have been "Crippling") instead. 
The long and short of it is that I have flagged down my worse flaw. Expectations of others cripple me. Terribly.
What are your thoughts concerning this?
(P.S. I'm offering a door prize at my blog to the first person who guesses my Saint of 2011. Gotta try to have some fun despite being "crippled", right?  )
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
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Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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JodieLyn
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I'm trying to see what it is you're talking about.. others expectations.. is that like you take soup to someone who is sick and then they expect you to do that everytime they're sick?
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KC in TX
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Maybe, it's more like she's expected to run coop, so she does. She's expected to run a young ladies group so she does. These are just examples not necessarily what she is talking about.
I feel this way often. I know what you mean you mean, Cay. I'm trying to scale back as much as I can. Simplicity and Order are my words for the year along with Joy. I've lost a lot of the joy in living my life and my children are suffering for it.
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JodieLyn
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hmmm well in her blog she mentions things like.. not feeling pressured to attend things every single time... so I was wondering it it was more the.. if I start doing this then I'm expected to do it without fail every single time no matter what.. and then feeling like you can't do things for one time because the expectation is that you will do it always once you start.
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Erin
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Cay
 Well having read your post I'm going to assume KC is correct in her definition and add family members expectations are big too.
First hs group - Cay I've struggled with this big time and had guilt layered on by one group member in particular who has the same expectations of others that she has of herself. That everyone turn up to everything and that I help organise most activities etc.
Now I struggled with, 'if I don't now one will.' Dynamics in our group are such that this is true. Well last year, after suffering burnout, I officially stated I wasn't attending everything and I wasn't organising but others were most welcome. No one took up the gauntlet and we haven't met all year. Well obviously they don't care enough to do something, their choice.
Cay it came down to this; I was responsible to my husband and children first, I was answerable to God for that vocation and nothing else. My season now was with them. So if it benefited where I felt the most need was for my children I would organise otherwise some things could wait till other seasons. ie. I felt my oldest needs were the most important so I encouraged her and friends to start a book club, they run it, I provide guidance if asked (and transport).
I've learnt alot taking a step back.
Family expectations, harder I know. I'm the oldest and my family have me pigeon-holed as the; tactful one and the perfect one. (Believe me this makes it hard for my brothers' girlfriends to be compared to me) I've just had to put my head down and focus only on my 'little' family and let lots of family stuff go.
But perhaps you are talking practical matters, I can't empathise there as my family live in other towns.
Oh Cay this could all burn you out.
Have you asked your dh what he wants you to do? so often we think to ask our husbands last and they can often cut through the emotions and see clearly. And have you asked your precious girls what they want?
You mention on your blog post that you were going to leave commitments as is, and only commit to not taking on anymore. I humbly ask you, is this wise? (talking from sad experience here)
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Erin
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hylabrook1
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I am definitely coming back to this thread!
Peace,
Nancy
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leanne maree
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Cay,
I read your post and I agree with several of the women here, I couldn't try to imagine your Saint though.
Expectations. they can cripple you.
Ir is hard to let go of those expectations though.
I have been known as the clean freak, by friends, this something I learnt from my Mum, who wouldn't leave the house without dusting each day- I'm not that bad, But when Mum would come over or when other people were expected I would clean up furiously. I let go of that expectation. Boy has it set me free.
I am a bit of an organiser and can get things up and running and then feel disappointed when people can't make the event or can't see the value in it,
I am interested to hear more of your situation though, and see how we have gone in assuming your expectations.
leanne
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Leanne
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Cay Gibson
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Sorry to leave y'all hanging in limbo. I didn't realize how unclear I was.
It's so hard to explain and I'm fixing to head to Adoration but, in brief, my friend nailed it today during lunch. She told me, "HOnestly, Cay, we're all like kids in a candy shoppe. We want it all!"
And I thought, "Exactly! How true!"
I see it all as good and worthwhile and I love it all.
As of now my planner looks manageable. All my husband sees when he leaves in the morning is me and the children in bed so he thinks we have the easy life. If I get out of bed earlier than 7:30 I'm wasted for the day (I'm a night owl ). I gave up trying to rise and shine early alongtime ago. That's not me. I like the silence of the night, not the twittings of the mornings. 
Anyway, with older children (I have 2 in college) comes larger responsibilities and larger expectations and I have to say it is the expectations of my family that engulf me the most.
Again...hard to explain.
My family will (and does) always come first, yet, not matter what I do and how well I do it, I always feel it's not enough or good enough.
And I know that isn't true. I do alot and am so blessed.
WHen I think about it deeply though, I'd like to be able to retreat and live the contemplative life. That's where my job as D.R.E. is perfect! I get to study and read and plan and share our rich Catholic faith! And, since I'm not in a monastery, I get to live the benefits and riches of being a wife and mother as well. And I get to homeschool our children! And I get to study, read, plan, and share our educational adventure with the others in our co-op group!
Life is so full...
And I know one day this will all come to a screeching halt and I will be forced to slow down. Might possibly be cloistered w/in my home due to health and I won't like it one bit.
I think my own expectations cripple me. Again...I can't explain it. Life is so good right now...
I've been told I "think" too much.
Ya think?
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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leanne maree
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Can someone fix my last post, I held down the enter key and I can't seem to fix it.
Sorry
leanne
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Leanne
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Cay Gibson
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Reading over this, I can see I'm still unclear! Still!
I truly love my home (did I mention we have a hobby farm, garden, chickens?---very low-scale, mind you) and would be happy to stay here day in and day out.
I want to be Tasha Tudor!
I was incomplete about my "manageable planner." If everything went according to "plans" it would be manageable but I was reminded again today (twice) how our plans are not our own when we have large families. It's those unexpected things that aren't in the planner that trip me up.
And when I trip I feel "crippled" by others expectations of me. Even though I know better... 
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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leanne maree
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So pleased that you are doing better. Sometimes all it takes is a friends comments to bring us to our realisation.
Leanne
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Leanne
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Cay Gibson
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Ah, but does feeling mean I have chosen what is better?
I remember Mother Angelica saying a long time ago that when you have peace you know it is from God.
I have peace...except when I "trip" due to those conflicting responsibilities...all of which can be linked back to family (family first).
No matter how balanced we seem to get our lives, there is always something waiting to "trip" us.
Thanks for listening. I'm grateful. Writing it down is how I sort things. Sorry to be so "out there".
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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guitarnan
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Cay, I write things down to help myself think...you're not alone!
I know that my mother worries that I am "overcommitted" and she often tells me to give up the things I do so I am not so stressed. (Not homeschooling or work, but everything else.)
I agree that the dynamics of parenting college-age children are challenging in a totally new way! (I am much greyer than I was in the summer... ) Stepping back at the right time is hard - not to mention trying to figure out which time is the right time!
I don't believe I am called to a contemplative life, but I find myself wishing for time in some mountaintop monastery (okay, at Ettal in Germany!) with time to spend with Our Lord and with God's beautiful world. I think I need to find tiny ways to work in time with God (prayer, Adoration, ???) in the place I do live, in the time I do have, and accept that this is enough for now. If I'm meant for more contemplation later in life, I'm sure God will give me the time!
Meanwhile, I've been trying to spend a bit of time each week reviewing my outside commitments and making sure that there is meaning and purpose to each of them, not just a desire to keep an activity going or add something to our list of outside activities/organizations. I still feel at peace with these commitments, but I have also learned to be less shy about asking for more time or saying that I need to postpone meetings/events to meet my family responsibilities.
It's a never-ending struggle, isn't it? As far as I can tell, I will probably be juggling scheduling issues even when I'm one of the church ladies (we have a lovely group of widows who come to daily Mass, pray for everyone and decorate the church).
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Mackfam
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I'm going to take a stab at this, Cay.
I was wondering if some of this could be a factor of temperament, Cay? Perhaps revisiting your temperament - taking a good look at the strengths of your temperament(s) as well as the weaknesses, seeking to balance those with an opposite virtue would provide another angle from which to view this.
Cay Gibson wrote:
| I have peace...except when I "trip" due to those conflicting responsibilities...all of which can be linked back to family (family first). |
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Recently, I have been reminded of the need for interior peace, which I'm prayerfully trying each day to cultivate. I'm grateful for the opportunity to grow. Exterior peace is not guaranteed; there will be disruptions, interruptions, re-schedulings, emergencies, true needs. The one thing needful. Interior peace - quiet and stillness from within. This is a prayerful journey and exercise, one I am traveling myself. Recognizing this peace when gifted with it leaves me filled with joy and contentment, relaxed and malleable to His ways and plan.
I have some thoughts...ideas...
** GUARD the gift of time...because it is a gift, a blessing that requires stewardship. Just as I seek to be a good steward of my husband's income, our home and material blessings, and the gifts God has given me...so too must I be a good steward of the gift of time. I would never willy-nilly spend my husband's hard earned money. I try to be as thoughtful and scrutinizing in spending the gift of our time. It is a resource spent frugally and carefully considering the pertinent needs of our family at that moment. It means consideration and brainstorming a number of variables. Each family is so unique and therefore one family's "full" could be another family's "quiet" and vice versa. This is something that both my husband and I brainstorm together. I suppose we grow into our roles, don't we? I find I am comfortable making more decisions on my own regarding the careful use of our time and where it is spent and can now share just "the biggies" or "stumpers" with dh, seeking brainstorming and his help in balancing the decision. These brainstorming sessions discerning the spending of family time sometimes/often involve key children to assess their willingness to serve and sacrifice on behalf of their desire to spend family time.
** GUARD quiet and leisure time with and for the family. This is a sort of sub-topic to guarding time, but it's just so important I had to put it down all by itself. We need quiet and stillness. Be still and know, we are told. Our current culture moves at a pretty break-neck pace. As children get older, and teens enjoy spending time with friends and doing things outside the home this does become more challenging, but I believe it is still doable and a worthwhile thing to guard, as long as we seek (as husband and wife) to ensure a balance for the needs of the family and the individuals within the family (more on-your-knees-brainstorming). An excellent book on this topic is Leisure: The Basis of Culture by Josef Pieper. Mr. Pieper shows how throughout history all cultures found leisure important, even essential. He goes on to show that contemplation of God requires leisure - quiet, stillness - and that without fostering this leisure a culture is bound for collapse.
** Claim moments. This seems obvious, and I hope it doesn't sound patronizing! I mean it in this way - so often we allow life to drive us, or direct us and our moods (we/I feel out of control and disgruntled at the seeming chaos of it all...the fulness of it all...the constant comings/goings). God can and does change plans mid-stream. We've ALL lived through that. We serve our families as best we can, but after enough re-direction I can become sour, irritated, exhausted, overwhelmed. There ARE moments to claim though. They're usually small and hidden, couched between needful comings and goings, and can be overlooked completely...but they are there!
--> Become sensitive to simple, quiet moments, however short, wherever they happen.
--> Recognize them.
--> Embrace them.
--> Acknowledge them.
--> Prayerfully offer thanksgiving for them.
--> CLAIM those moments as a gift!
--> Smile in that moment.
--> Do something light in that moment.
--> Etch the moment in memory and resolve to revisit that moment in your memory for a smile reminder of God's goodness.
Healthy boundaries are a tool our family makes use of - both in guarding the needs and limits of our family, and in fostering individual family member's health (physical, mental & spiritual), to include mom's. I must acknowledge that I need healthy boundaries as well as my family. You serve your family beautifully, Cay, and generously! I don't want to diminish or discourage that in any way. Working prayerfully and practically with my husband to establish healthy boundaries for myself and our family yields such peace. It's a peace I can draw from and claim even in times of uncertainty.
Cay Gibson wrote:
"HOnestly, Cay, we're all like kids in a candy shoppe. We want it all!"
And I thought, "Exactly! How true!"
I see it all as good and worthwhile and I love it all. |
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Follow those kids through the candy shop though as they exuberantly consume all the delights and treats before them. After a while, they've all got a terrible stomach ache from gluttonous consumption.  Saying no to a worthwhile and good opportunity doesn't diminish its goodness, nor does it in any way mean that you aren't living up to expectations!! It means you are carefully guarding family time; that you are a frugal steward of this gift so that you can savor the opportunities that do fit within your family boundaries.
>> OPPORTUNITY - WONDERFUL CO-OP WITH FANTASTIC CLASSES. No thank-you. It sounds wonderful, and what a blessing it will be to so many families. Our family has chosen to guard "x" day and "x" time so we must thank you for the offer, and say no-thank you.
>> OPPORTUNITY - SPONTANEOUS FAMILY GET-TOGETHER/NEED. Quick assessment of level/seriousness of need balanced against healthy boundaries in place for my family...could result in...We won't be able to make it; this is our family game night evening and we lock the doors and make popcorn. OR...We can be there but will be leaving at "x" time in order to be home for family quiet time and bedtime.
Whatever the decision made, it does not violate the healthy family boundaries in place, and therefore there is peace.
We can allow ourselves to feel burdened by others expectations, or even unreasonable expectations of ourselves, but it is suffocating to the spirit and physically draining. It evacuates all the air needed to breathe within this vocation. It erases all the margin. All the white space meant for leisure, meant for the joy of just being...is gone. Likewise, comparing myself to others is fruitless and snuffs cheerfulness and contentment. God so perfectly chose each of us to be the  of a particular family, and He gifted each of us with gifts, unique and mysterious, to meet the moments of our days with the families He blesses us with. He alone knows the intimate and sometimes deeply hidden needs within a family which benefit from one mother's particular gifts, or that may invite a mother to grow in virtue, pruning habits. There is such mystery there that I'm in profound awe of it. Comparing, looking at others and critically lining up my gifts with theirs, my inadequacies with their blessings, cannot factor in that great mystery, and it can sometimes be consuming enough to direct a mother's heart away from the generosity and mercy provided within her family. Contentment can't live beside comparison...and my heart longs for contentment, therefore I choose not to compare, but rather to be grateful both for my blessings and for the blessings in others when I see them. It frees me to be cheerful, content and gratefully accept others generous sharing of themselves!
Having expectations in the framework of reasonable goals agreed upon by husband and wife can be good. When they become crippling, those expectations have become burdensome. Time to lighten the load. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. There should be room and space for cheer, for ease, leisure and light in your daily duty.
I have to say...in reading your blog post...I see you articulating all of the answers there already! I can relate to the idea of being so close to something that perspective is (re)gained by writing and sharing and spilling thoughts out. Praying that in doing so you feel renewed, refreshed and lightened, Cay, and that there is nothing in my words that adds to your burden! Sending !! May Our Lady assist each of us in cheerfulness seeking contentment, and in pruning expectations down to Her Son's!
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Jen Mackintosh
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amyable
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I haven't thoroughly read through all the replies - I apologize if I am repeating someone.
I *think* I understand what you are getting at Cay. It isn't half as much the "busy-ness" of your life as the manner in which you feel forced to do it.
I have what many other homeschoolers would consider a quiet life (right now only two activities, so most of one day and half of another). Yet I still feel crippled, crushed often by the expectations and responsibilities.
You said in your blog post:
Quote:
| "I want to be able to give, to ministry, to care for, to console, to write, to teach, and to retreat without having that presence in the background say, "But you haven't done enough for me." There is always someone there, you know, lurking in the corners, saying you haven't done enough, given enough time to, fed enough, forgiven enough, held enough..." |
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I hear that voice too. I *really* don't think it's God.  I keep coming back to "love" - re: the verse in Corinthians where Paul says he could move mountains or speak with tongues of angels but if he has not love, it is NOTHING. As finite human beings, some of us with less strength and blessings than others, I think God knows we can't do much. I see Corinthians not as a curse, as in "Oh GREAT now I have to love it all too or it doesn't count???" but a blessing, in that He just wants us to do what we can in love and let the rest fall away.
Which brings me to my next point. I think it might have been Joyce Meyer that taught me, "Do not live in other people's minds." You can NEVER NEVER have peace this way. To me, living in other people's minds is what makes all my plates fall from their precariously balanced spinning positions. A little real life example from last night... a little background: dh has had all week off so we have had lots of time together, plus we've all been sick, and he had PT and was in pain that day, and I'm doing 98% of everything still due to dh's unwillingness/unableness to move around much. (meaning I've got my mental 'baggage' and he's got his).
I came downstairs with all my mental plates spinning after putting the girls to bed and dh is playing wii with the 3yo. Dh gives me this "look" - he was probably just tired or a little fed up with the 3yo messing with his wii playing, lol. But I started "living in his mind" and wondered just WHAT was wrong, WHAT did *I* do wrong? WHAT was I supposed to do to fix what is wrong with my dh?? 'Cause something was obviously wrong  . So all the plates I was spinning started wobbling and coming down on my head.  I felt dh's unspoken expectations of me (real or imagined) and it was just too much. I can feel much the same way with extended family, friends, etc when with them.
After all my blabbering, I have no real advice! Other than to say, it's just a cross you have to bear to do only what you can in love, and let other's "feelings" about you slip away like water off a duck's back. If YOU are loving, than that is all that matters.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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hylabrook1
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One thing I struggle with is finding the time to THINK! I want to make the best choices, have time to pray, care for my family, read wonderful books, hike with dh... But NO ONE (I'm talking about family members) will stop expecting me to *Be there* for them whenever they feel like it's time for me to do something, go somewhere, chat about something (both silly and very serious). And, especially since my dc are older/getting older, I don't want to miss any opportunity to help them work through the issues and topics that they want to talk through with me. Then, I wind up feeling overloaded with the things that everyone in my family needs and there is no room, anywhere, for me to recuperate. I want to be acting rather than reacting, you know?
I don't really have lots of commitments outside of the home that are for me, personally. I try to grab quiet minutes by staying in the car during dd's karate classes and things like that. I';m sure that really does help - I'd probably feel even more depleted if I didn't have that time. And, at the same time, when I do have a chance to think about what I do, I recognize that I do find energy and refreshment in those things that are *expected* of me.
Reflecting on my life, though, I can see that I've had this same sense of living by expectations set by other people at every stage. It's just that the particular pressures and needs were different. Maybe that's just life? I mean, if we felt too *at home* in this world, would we need to long for Heaven?
I do think it's good to take some time and consider our lives. Often there are some things that can be adjusted to our benefit. This thread is a great call to reflect on that!
Peace,
Nancy
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Mackfam
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| Posted: Jan 04 2011 at 9:36am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
I have to say it is the expectations of my family that engulf me the most.
Again...hard to explain.
My family will (and does) always come first, yet, not matter what I do and how well I do it, I always feel it's not enough or good enough. |
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Are you allowing yourself to feel "not enough or not good enough"...or do you have a sense that someone is communicating this to you?
Cay Gibson wrote:
If everything went according to "plans" it would be manageable but I was reminded again today (twice) how our plans are not our own when we have large families. It's those unexpected things that aren't in the planner that trip me up.
And when I trip I feel "crippled" by others expectations of me. Even though I know better... |
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So, is it the fullness of life, Cay, the number of activities pulling on you...in combination with allowing yourself to feel you have fallen short of expectations when you're not able to pull off every activity, every conversation, every good and worthy opportunity you had planned?
Amy's post reminded me of a favorite verse of mine which is similar to the verse she posted:
Colossians 3:14 wrote:
| "And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony." |
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I'm wondering, if after reading Amy and Nancy's post, if this about an exhaustion and generally overwhelmed sense in trying to keep up with the ever-evolving daily duties (expectations)...older children and their pressing needs, younger children, husband, extended family, home education??
I can consider:
** daily duties requiring cheerful obedience - HOLINESS THROUGH OBEDIENCE TO MY VOCATION
** the gift of time and service offered to family - LOVING NEIGHBOR AS ONESELF & HONORING PARENTS
** carving out time to refresh and renew self physically and spiritually - FOSTERING AND NURTURING MYSELF AS A CHILD OF GOD AND A TEMPLE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT
I have standard mom/wife/vocation responsibilities and duties...little people with constant chatter...someone who always needs to have a question answered, a request granted...a teen that needs to talk and be heard....a husband that feels stress and needs a sounding board/cheerleader/helper. In addition, we have aging parents on one side of our family that we try to honor by assisting physically as much as we are able (still keeping in mind the healthy boundaries of our family). On the other side of my family I have a dear and very loved brother that is sick that we try to spend a great deal of time with...both of these family needs draw on our time and factor into family peace for us.
As a family, we regularly assess:
** Whether our family obligations and needs can be met.
** If I'm feeling pulled in too many directions, ask for help!
** If I'm unable to meet all the needs, peel back superfluous layers & activities that draw on my time in order to accomodate the most needful.
** Am I meeting needs in a proportional way? In other words - have I placed too much weight and burden on myself in one area (home education) to the detriment of other areas...and thus peace and balance are lost?
** Ensure/work so that family health is maintained.
** All members of the family get time for quiet and renewal - even if that is 1 hour locked in the bedroom.
** Sleep needs are top priority here.
In love we serve our families...
** we do our best
** work with what we have
** guard thoughts so that we don't allow ourselves to feel burdened by a projected sense of failing to meet others expectations of us
** keep expectations and goals reasonable
** assess and adjust expectations and goals regularly
...and allow the love with which we offer our ourselves daily to bind all the parts of day together in harmony.
__________________
Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19, ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Angie Mc
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Location: Arizona
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Posts: 11400
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| Posted: Jan 04 2011 at 10:26am | IP Logged
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Cay, I don't mean to be comic relief, honestly I don't, but the first thought that popped into my mind reading only your OP is...
Well stop being so darned good at everything!
Really!!!!! You need to hang around with the likes of ME more...Angie Slack . I don't write books...run co-ops...publish a blog...raise CHICKENS!!! REALLY?!!!! And I say that with no pride, like I've figured something mysterious out...I just don't...can't...do so much and do it well. But I digress .
Look, friend, if you need to learn how to slack, then maybe I do have something to offer. Do what you can, when you can. That's it. Tell people things like, "Thanks for trusting that I'm doing what I can, when I can" and "I would love to do more but I can only do what I can, when I can" and the ever popular, "I hate to say no to this fabulous opportunity, but I can only do what I can, when I can."
Combine this with trying not to make too many promises, to others or to yourself. Promise ONLY the most important stuff - then keep the promise. If you need to break a promise, so be it! Do so, say you're sorry, make it right as soon as you can, then move on quickly. We all overextend sometimes. My brother jokes that he never knows when he's crossed the line, until he has surely crossed the line . That's who he is and I love him for it, so be it!
Oh, I've gathered many blessings by flying more solo these days. When the group thing just isn't working, too many expectations or too much energy to communicate too many expectations, it makes sense to back out, gracefully if possible...or get kicked out if necessary! Whatever it takes to breath fresh air and sigh relief.
I probably won't get around to reading all the good stuff here, I can only do what I can, when I can, and I have a boatload of duties for this week. But know that I think you are great...not because of all that you do, but because of who you are...one of the kindest and most transparent women I know . I'm praying for you and ask that you pray for me.
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
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stellamaris
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Location: Virginia
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| Posted: Jan 04 2011 at 3:11pm | IP Logged
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Dear Cay, I want so much to reply to you, but I don't know if my experiences will have anything to do with your situation. I feel you are starting down a path of self-knowledge which I have also walked. It is a good path, but can be painful at times. I had the help of a wonderful spiritual director who challenged me to consider WHY I found myself constantly over-extended, attempting to fill other people's expectations of me, striving to fill my own expectations of myself. Sometimes I didn't want to hear what he had to say, and it has taken me a very long time to see myself more clearly in this area.
I will share this much...your physical, emotional, and spiritual health and well-being must be a primary consideration for you. You are entering a time of great family demands and many physical changes. Serving others to the point of exhaustion is so dangerous! Trying to do "enough" is the highway to stress and collapse. I don't speak lightly here.
It has helped me to meditate on the fact that even Jesus did not heal every leper, or teach every man, or rebuke every Pharisee. He did not cure every cripple. And He did not succumb to other's expectations. He did the Father's Will...WHICH WAS NOT EVERYTHING WHICH COULD POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN DONE...and then He could say He, "I have done the work my Father sent me to do."
For myself, I had to address issues of inappropriate guilt, perfectionism, and pride. I had to give up doing ANYTHING AT ALL for a period of time in order to try to get to the root causes; only by stepping out of all of my service activities (and they were legion) could I begin to understand the role they were playing in my life and why I over-burdened myself so. It was a very painful process which is still continuing to unfold in my life. Of course, I could not step away from family responsibilities, nor did I want to. I did, however, try to set stronger boundaries, letting my older children resolve some of their problems on their own and allowing them to "move off" into their own lives. This was and is very hard to do, at least for me. I have learned to accept help more graciously, too.
As I said, perhaps nothing here pertains to you. Take what does, leave what doesn't. You are in my prayers as you grow in Christ in these struggles.
__________________
In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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ALmom
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| Posted: Jan 05 2011 at 5:18pm | IP Logged
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Cay, is it possible that you are simply shifting into a new dynamic in the family. Don't you have a recently graduated child who is going to college and living at home. Old boundaries don't work, you want to allow them wings - but they are living at home and well, that impacts everyone at home.
We have had one child go off to college - and you have to shift because those children who are away still need you - but you cannot drop everything instantly to answer their latest crisis either - but you need to be there for them. It is a matter of figuring out the new dynamic.
Then our next child has graduated and is living at home and taking courses and working and doing some volunteer work. The volunteer work (firefighting) has some very, very odd hours and because the child lives in our 4 walls, I cannot sleep when they are out (and calls can happen at 2 AM) and I have no clue. But neither is this a highschooler who needs me to dictate "the schedule". But we are sharing cars and have to coordinate - and I'm a planner and child is a free spirit. We all have to figure out new ground rules for the new relationships, dynamics, needs, etc. It takes time, understanding, a lot of patience.
I don't know if this is part of your angst - but threw it out. I gotta go pick up dh from work but maybe this will help.
Janet
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Crippling Expectations
