| Author | |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
jhigdon wrote:
The attitude from my oldest is throwing me for a loop. Hormones? Picking up on the stress from me? It's gotten worse. Even a talking to from Dad didn't seem to help too much. |
|
|
Nine has been a horrible time here for my girls. I think it's a combination of hormones changing and the mind waking up - realizing they are not just "little kids" anymore but they are not yet mature. I've heard other moms say the same - you are not alone!
It was hard, but the only thing that seemed to make ANY difference here was me being extra sweet and serving to my DD...when I could. Or maybe that was just my kids love language or something. And we just suffered through a lot of it.  I feel like we've come through the other end for now (dd just turned 11 - and the next one is only 7. phew)
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 2:18pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie Mc wrote:
jhigdon wrote:
| I feel as though all these different options I try don't work. Like I'm going in circles. Does that make any sense? |
|
|
Absolutely! I call it "chasing my tail" and I HATE it . This is truly a cross...to try sooooooo hard and yet feel sooooooooooo much...failure  .
|
|
|
I *so* understand this. I think my biggest cross is that. So many problems and NO solutions - oh I come up with a ton of solutions but none of them *work* or one would really hurt a child or dh, etc.
((And Angie, the rest of your post was so helpful (to me  ))
Just wanted you to know you are not alone in that. I think we may have similar personalities, because I hear my voice in everything you are saying!
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 2:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
jhigdon wrote:
Also, for my prayer life, as a Carmelite, I am supposed to do the Morning and Evening Vespers, and the Night Prayers if I can, an examination, and half an hour of contemplative prayer. I need to work this into my schedule as well.
This is key. |
|
|
One more thing and I'll be quiet. 
I found using DivineOffice.org SO helpful in getting those Liturgy of the Hours into my life. (I'm still trying, but w/o this it would be nil). You can put it on audio, and listen while you are doing something else like the dishes. No, you can't always do all the responses you should because you are not reading it, but it is so much better than the NOTHING that was getting done before. Baby steps, baby...baby steps.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 4:14pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes, 9 is a horrible age for girls. I have two more coming up but geez! Nothing can please her sometimes.
I don't have much more to add that the others haven't. I will pray for you.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 5:40pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
 Hugs to you!!!! This is NOT an easy path, even in the best of circumstances! And, I echo what others have said.....constantly re-evaluate if home educating is what you're called to do! You have very real concerns to consider! It's tough!
A couple things come to mind as read your post, and I'll just throw a bunch of stuff out there~~~~~~
******************************
Piggybacking quickly on the chore-thing. Your oldest daughter is old enough for a ra-ra-session with you and your husband! She is at such a great age to get her "on-board" with you and it will help the attitude thing----b/c she'll feel like a big-kid/adult-like. Can you and dh have ice cream with her late at night and explain your challenges (sort of, of course). Tell her that she's at a great age to start learning how to run a home, learn new things and helping with family-life? In return, she gets to start doing x, y, and z, b/c she will be doing more, she'll get more priviledges, more freedom (within reason at within you and your dh's discretion).
A "rally-session" is much different than a "talking-to." I tend toward the "talking-to" myself  , being the *nazi* that I am.....but I *know* that's not always the best way to go about doing things, and my husband is a good balance for me that way.
Ever since I had morning sickness last spring, my oldest daughter-9.5 has been cleaning up the kitchen after dinner on her own. I took 2 weeks of training her on everything, and then she and I created a checklist (at her request). She cleans up the kitchen about 70% of the time. The other 30% of the time, she gives the 2 younger ones a bath or gets them ready for bed. Here is the checklist: 2010-11-17_170351_kitchen-clean-up.pdf
We are totally into "rallying" my older two girls (they are 9.5 and 8). I could NOT do this without them! But, it does take a lot of proactivity on our part. Communicating and brainstorming with my husband and many times depending on HIM to handle / say things b/c I'm fuming or know I wouldn't handle something very well.
Before he leaves town, he has a meeting with the older two and lets them know "my state" and gives them ideas of how to help. If we need certain things done, he writes these expectations down for them. Sometimes it's very specific, sometimes not. We decide ahead of time what is important to focus on and rally them for, then I step away.
I elaborate on this only to give an example of how it works for us, based on all of our personalities, our roles, my husband's work and travel situation, our house set up, etc.....everyone's situation will be different, but right now, this is working for us.
And, yes, they ARE hormonal and they ARE difficult....but we can still "try" over and over again and hope and pray for them (and us! ).
*****************************
OUTSIDE HELP
If this is at all within your budget, it's something to consider.
I have had various outside help at different times and in different ways.....and looking back, I wish I would've done more of it. Especially having more "Mother's Helpers" when my kids were younger. It's $5/hour where we live! And, $10 gets me A LOT! These girls are also EXCELLENT at organizing craft projects and supervising art projects, etc.
:: Are there any homeschool-girls that are near you that could come during the day? Our lives would all be much easier if every girl between the ages of 10-14 were homeschooled!!!!!!
:: Are there any school-girls that could come on weekends or between the 3-6 pm hours?
:: The younger they are, the better....they tend to be less busy, and they are still "having fun playing" instead of "babysitting" and your kids will like them more.
For the past couple of years, I was always on the lookout for a semi-elderly lady to come help 1 morning a week during school hours. I never really found anyone until recently. And, frankly, I wasn't really "that serious" about "formal schooling" at a young age, so I didn't make THAT much of an effort. But, now that they are older, it's different.
I asked the question about Weekly Morning Help from the Ouside on this thread, and at the end of the thread I compiled "options" for a morning helper. Maybe it will get your juices flowing about how / if this would be helpful to you.
*******************************
And, I think you mentioned ERRANDS and NOT BEING A PART OF YOUR SON's SCHOOL as one of the things that "puts you over the top." I can totally see that. That would be frustrating and a definite consdieration for us too.
I move heaven and earth to have a very long list of people to call for child-care for all different reasons and situations. Can you and dh brainstorm a list of people that you can call ahead of time and ask if they would consider being a part of your child-care-team? I don't acutally CALL it that...I just made it up...but it "sounds good."
:: Neighbors - people who work from home? semi-elderly? other SAHM? Empty-nesters who work but are home after 6:00 and available to come over for 30 minutes so you can "run a quick errand." Or neighbors who can come over after the little ones are in bed so you can pick up a prescription? Or go to the basement to work on a quick project for an hour?
I also have Neighbors who are willing to pick things up for me at the grocery store. Do any of your neighbors go to the same places you do and could help eliminate a couple of your stops occasionally?
There is an elderly man across the street...recently widowed. We often send a plate of food over to him in the evening, and he is SO WILLING to run my girls to choir practice on Friday mornings when my husband is out of town.
:: Friends
:: Family
:: Parents of Friends
Young Teens -- I leave my girls with 12-13 year olds as long as one of my neighbors are available for questions and emergencies. This opens a whole new area of flexibility for us.
Teen Boys -- can come over after kids are in bed for a date night....they do homework and make sure no one breaks in . I have 2 teen boys who are happy to babysit if I need them "after hours" ....they just don't want to be changing diapers.
How about families with only one child? I have 2 of these famililies who are SO HAPPY to come over for an INSTANT play time for their daughter and the dad or mom stays for an hour while I have my meeting or can run errands in peace. I know that if I have something to do right after school hours, they are very willing to come over on their way home from school for an hour.
I guess I look at it like this.....I find people who are "willing" and then know who i can call in certain situations.
***********************************
Again, sending you many hugs across the miles and praying for you as you pray and discern everything!
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SuzanneG
Forum Moderator
Joined: June 17 2006
Location: Idaho
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5465
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 7:08pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've been turning the following words of yours over in my mind throughout the day....
jhigdon wrote:
| My husband very much wants the kids to be homeschooled. As do I. It's just the day to day, and the constant struggles, the feeling that they will never end and that if one more big thing happens, you're just going to crack. |
|
|
jhigdon wrote:
| Trying to find time with my husband is impossible too, it seems. He works long hours, and when he comes home, he can hardly think. He helps by taking the little ones and putting them to bed, and spending time with the older ones. After that, trying to talk to him is out the window. He's usually passing out as I am. |
|
|
jhigdon wrote:
| JodieLyn, my husband works at a facility where he cannot bring a phone it. I am able to talk to him very briefly at work some days, but nothing where we can "really" talk about stuff. Trying to find time with him is really one of the biggest hurdles here. I feel that a lot of my stress comes from not being able to talk to him about a lot of stuff. Then feeling the burden of having to figure it out all on my own. |
|
|
I think they're significant, and I want to encourage your efforts in this area!
Even though your husband works long hours and is completely TRASHED at the end of the day, he STILL NEEDS TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR STRUGGLES! And, you are NOT COMPLAINING. You are CONFIDING. Do not feel guilty about this. He may be able to DO absolutely NOTHING to help you or problem-solve or relieve your burdens, but you can strengthen the marriage and your family life by having the confidence and courage to CONFIDE in him.
And, I'm not saying DON'T problem-solve with him or talk about all these things or try to find solutions and answers. I'm just saying that they are TWO SEPARATE things!
1. Confiding in each other. Sharing what's going on inside you. The good, the bad and the ugly!
2. Identifying Problems/Challenges. Problem-solving. Brain-storming. Planning. Executing.
Step 1 entails this:
Cry!!!! Tell him what you're ANGRY about, tell him what you're SAD about, tell him what you're HAPPY about, tell him what you're PROUD about! He really does need to know.
If you're concerned about him "trying to fix everything"....preface it by saying "I don't want to solve any of this right now, I just need you to know what I'm feeling!"
******************************
Establish some sort of "ritual" that you do on a regular basis. When? Where? How? Boundaries?
Every couple has different ways of doing this. I think there are a couple threads on this somewhere.
ie: On "trashed nights"....when talk time is limited or my husband is too tired and needs to get to bed, or he is traveling, we do "high-low-lights".......
:: My high of the day (the best part of my day)
:: My low (the worst part)
:: His high
:: His low
That's it, lights out! It takes 2 minutes--tops! But, we made an effort to connect and find out something about each other.
*******************************
Bishop Hermann gave a day of recollection at Women for Faith and Family and his talks were recently published in VOICES in the Michaelmas 2010 issue. He elaborates on Familiaris Consortio and on page 28 of this issue he wrote this:
Quote:
Marriage is a very challenging vocation in which both husband and wife have to live together intimately; inevitably revealing to each other their personal weaknesses. To be able to make these adjustments to grow together instead of apart, they need the help of the Gospel to make this possible.
I think it is worth reflecting on the reliance couples must have upon the grace of God to make marriage work. Far from being a life of self-indulgent use of each other's bodies for selfish satisfaction, it is a call to be intimate in mind and heart. Pope John Paul puts it this way: "Willed by God in the very act of creation, marriage and the family are interiorly ordained to fulfillment in Christ and have need of His graces in order to be healed from the wounds of sin and restored to their 'beginning', that is, to full understanding and the full realization of God's plan". |
|
|
(emphasis mine)
We are called to be intimate in mind and heart. Right now, your mind and heart are sorrowful about your challenges in running your home, your children and your dc's education decisions. We have to share these with our spouse in order to "realize God's plan."
__________________
Suzanne in ID
Wife to Pete
Mom of 7 (Girls - 14, 12, 11, 9, 7 and Boys - 4, 1)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
SeaStar
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 9068
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 8:56pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I can only add that everything becomes radically different when you are dealing with serious illness and special needs with your children.
Time moves differently... you are at the mercy of doctors and appointments and pharmacies. You have totally lost control over what you wish your life would be like. And then, when you are at home, you can't seamlessly go on with your planned schedule because so many worries and "to do" items are swirling through your mind. Guarding your thoughts becomes extremely difficult.
You have the challenges of a young family mixed in with all the challenges of illness. God bless you- it is not a wonder you feel at your wits end!
So much wonderful advice is being offered here... I am adding my prayers to those of many others
__________________
Melinda, mom to ds ('02) and dd ('04)
SQUILT Music Appreciation
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
joann10
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 10 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3493
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 9:22pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am so thankful for all the great advice in this post!! I am where you are right now, right down to considering sending the kids to school just to get a little peace.
I can't offer any other advice---in fact I am struggling greatly right now, but I will be offering up all my troubles to you and your family....
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Mimip
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 17 2009
Location: Florida
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1526
|
| Posted: Nov 17 2010 at 9:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Such great advice here, just want you to know (and Joann) that I am praying for you as you discern and make really tough decisions.
__________________
In Christ,
Mimi
Wife of 16 years to Tom, Mom of DD'00, DD'02, '04(in heaven) DS'05, DS'08 and DS '12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Paula in MN
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 25 2006
Location: Minnesota
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 4064
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 6:26am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I've been gathering so much great information from this topic! Thank you for sharing all your ideas.
__________________
 Paula
A Catholic Harvest
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
hylabrook1
Forum Moderator
Joined: July 09 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 5980
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 7:10am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Just wanted to add to wonderful advice and thoughts here to say I'm praying for you.
Peace,
Nancy
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 10:23am | IP Logged
|
|
|
SuzanneG wrote:
| We are called to be intimate in mind and heart. Right now, your mind and heart are sorrowful about your challenges in running your home, your children and your dc's education decisions. We have to share these with our spouse in order to "realize God's plan." |
|
|
Loved your post, Suzanne! esp the distinction between complaining and confiding!
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Angie Mc
Board Moderator
Joined: Jan 31 2005
Location: Arizona
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 11400
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 11:28am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Willa wrote:
SuzanneG wrote:
| We are called to be intimate in mind and heart. Right now, your mind and heart are sorrowful about your challenges in running your home, your children and your dc's education decisions. We have to share these with our spouse in order to "realize God's plan." |
|
|
Loved your post, Suzanne! esp the distinction between complaining and confiding! |
|
|
Me too . As a talkative extrovert by nature, I need to constantly be reminded (and remind myself) to "confide" not "dump all over my husband with much emotion and many words"  . I need to confide in a reasonable, responsible, and well-timed manner, to the best of my ability. I also need to counter/balance any verbal/emotional intensity with twice as much contentedness and light. Goodness, this goal will keep me struggling and challenged for as long as we both shall live .
Love,
__________________
Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
About Me
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
amyable
Forum All-Star
Joined: March 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3798
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 1:17pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Angie Mc wrote:
As a talkative extrovert by nature, I need to constantly be reminded (and remind myself) to "confide" not "dump all over my husband with much emotion and many words" . |
|
|
Dh and I are both introverts (although when emotionally roused I can be as talkative and dump-a-tive as any world class extrovert ). I wanted to share what has been working for us in case it helps someone in a similar situation. When life is stressful and busy for both of us (like most of the time, lol), I rely on google docs and emails to keep dh up to date. Esp. the google doc. I "share" it with him and it emails him with updates. He then can add notes back.
It's at his leisure, he doesn't have to hear my barrage of wild thoughts and I don't go half as "off track" as I do when we are just talking. Since he reads and offers sympathy and suggestions, I feel heard. It's SO much quicker than the long drawn out dumping, I mean *confiding* sessions I used to have - which may have only been 10 minutes but often that's more energy/time/privacy than he has. Plus, it gets it off my chest *in the moment* when I really need to talk (because I can hit the computer at any time - he's reading it later).
Of course we still talk, but now we even have more time to talk for fun with out thinking I've got to hit him with my problems quickly or we'll run out of time.
I don't know, maybe it's just for computer geeks like us.
__________________
Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: Nov 18 2010 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I wanted to add too, that if you decide school would be best, there is no shame in that choice. I know many homeschoolers believe you should only homeschool, but life is so much more complicated than that and there are many holy, competent children in private and public schools.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
mamalove
Forum Pro
Joined: May 16 2007
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 117
|
| Posted: Nov 19 2010 at 8:49pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
illness and depression are very valid reasons (in my mind) to think about out school. From what you are saying, there should be no shame if school seems like a good choice for this year.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Sharyn
Forum Pro
Joined: June 20 2009
Location: Australia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 417
|
| Posted: Nov 20 2010 at 8:28pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Praying for you!
__________________
Mum to dd (00), ds (03), dd (04), ds (06), one in God's care (08), dd (09), ds (11), one in God's care (13), and ds (13)
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
StephanieA
Forum Pro
Joined: May 11 2006
Location: N/A
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 394
|
| Posted: Nov 22 2010 at 8:32am | IP Logged
|
|
|
You wrote: Also, for my prayer life, as a Carmelite, I am supposed to do the Morning and Evening Vespers, and the Night Prayers if I can, an examination, and half an hour of contemplative prayer. I need to work this into my schedule as well.
I usually lurk here now (dial-up internet still...grrr), but I wanted to address your statement above. I have 9 kids and have been homeschooling 18 years. But before marriage, I spent years discerning a religious vocation. I became an affliate to an order (spending many weekends there, etc.). But I finally discerned that God was calling me to the married state. However, this does not diminish my deep desire for a close relationship with God, especially quiet moments in church before the Blessed Sacrament and uninterupted daily Mass.
However, this is not the time. My children need me. God wants me to be there for my children. This is His will for me at this time.
Is God's will for you to be a Carmelite at this time? I can tell you that at times I would rather spend quiet moments with God than to attend to my family. I yearn for quiet prayer time, but those moments are SO far and few. This is HUGE sacrifice for me. I need a prayer life, but now isn't the time for it to be scheduled. My 3rd son has entered a monastery and at times, I almost envy him. Ooops
My husband began the Divine Office. He quit helping me put the kids to bed to do it. He was so happy with his prayer life, but it was too much for me. So I had to have a talk with him. Is this really what God wants?
I am NOT advocating no prayer...just not the scheduled prayer of a third order if it not the time for you. I plan to do a third order when my children are older and don't need me for many daily (and hourly) needs.
I read this book, "Martha to the Max". Interesting that the author said that many Marthas (as in the Bible Martha) seek perfection...in themselves and situations. In reality, only God is perfect. Perfection is an illustion. We must accept imperfect situations. This is humility. We can't do it all or be it all.
Just a thought.
Blesssings,
Stephanie
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jhigdon
Forum Newbie
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 38
|
| Posted: Nov 23 2010 at 5:09am | IP Logged
|
|
|
I just posted a whole response, and it got deleted! 
Anyway, I'm sorry I've been MIA. There has been a virus in the house. I got it, then my husband, then one of my daughter's, then my three year old autistic son got strep. Things are always harder when he gets sick because of his lack of language skills.
Stephanie, I really appreciate your post. I see so much wisdom there. I have thought about not being a Carmelite, because my life is so busy. But I've also considered what my life would be without Carmel, and I fear I'd be worse off. Out to sea without a life jacket, so to speak. Even if I can't make all the committments, even making some, and even just making a small amount of time for prayer, makes all the difference for me. And the Carmelite community is such a big part of my life. I can't imagine not being a Carmelite. Does that make any sense?
For now, I still don't know exactly what to do. We didn't do any school last week, save two days (and even then it was not a full days work), and I'm taking this week off because my son does not have school at all this week.
I think I need to just stick out this school year because we have plans at the end of May to visit my in laws in Louisiana, and we wouldn't be able to do that with all the kids in school because we'd have to pull them out, and they'd miss two weeks. I'm sure that wouldn't go over very well.
It's still hard being here all day every day, alone with the kids. I guess I'm just going to put this all in God's hands and see what He does with it.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
jhigdon
Forum Newbie
Joined: Sept 16 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 38
|
| Posted: Nov 23 2010 at 5:11am | IP Logged
|
|
|
And a big THANK YOU to responding about my nine year old.
Man! I had no idea this type of thing started so early!
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Considering quitting homeschooling
