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Chari
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This is so beautiful, Alice...you should turn it into an article....or a blogpost, at least!
Praying for you, dolorsofmary!
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Chari...Take Up & Read
Dh Marty 27yrs...3 lovely maidens: Anne 24, Sarah 20 & Maddelyn 17 and 3 chivalrous sons: Matthew 22, Garrett 16 & Malachy 11
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dolorsofmary
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Thank you all so much for your wonderful suggestions. They are so beautiful. I have in fact made my desire known via e-mail that I want playdates. And at the 2nd to last preschool playdate I went around to each lady that I knew who had little kids andtried to arrange aplay date. I did not do special prayers over it though. What a great idea! Thank you!. There is definitely a clique there. But at the very last playdate it was at a nother lady's house and I got there late. I made a special food that everyone thought was very yummy and there were less peopple and the people were different and it was actually much better. But I know next week we will have the playdate back at the same place we always do - wehre the cliques are. I dread going but I go for my son. I guess I need to offer it up like I tell my son to do when he complains about things. I feel empowered to speak up the next time I hear someone talk about their playdate. I really do feel like a the little match girl looking in. But through my persistence I have added 1 lady to our repertroir of playdates. So I have a total of 2 ladies whose houses we go to now and I don't think we could do a third so that is good. Still there are many there who never ask me for a playdate even though I have mentioned it to them very very recently. I just feel how rude! I think they would would defend themselves vehemently if said anything. I am beginning to wonder if I smell or something. I feel sorry for the moms too because back when I was little the kids could just get together and themoms stay home and clean house but now they have to put up with me, I suppose I must smell or maybe they fear being around me becuase they might grow older sooner since I am an older mom, I don't know. I did not extend my self in the past becuase I was caring for my aging parents for 2 years and I so I was very much overextended but now maybe after Christmas I can do something for group. We'll see. Actually what I'd love to do is a Las Posadas for Christmas but we need many homes to do that or at least a lot of doors.
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CrunchyMom
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Dolors,
Alice's advice it wonderful! And she has a lot of experience and wisdom in this area.
I just wanted to say that praying for those ladies, as you mentioned, is probably key. When I feel offended by others, its the only way I can sometimes find peace and good will towards them. It is often a HUGE struggle to pray for them through my pain, but it also helps me charitably find excuses or sympathy for their behavior.
For instance, you mentioned feeling overextended by the commitments to your parents in the past as keeping you from doing more. You also mentioned the difficulty of adding even a third home for playdates to your commitments. Perhaps there are circumstances in the lives of those by whom you feel snubbed which make them feel the same way, like they just *can't* add another commitment or extend themselves in that way. We never know what others are struggling with, and I've found it is much better for my own peace if I can work (and sometimes it is REAL WORK, and sometimes I fail  ) to assume the very best of those around me, especially those that annoy or hurt me the most.
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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4 lads mom
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CrunchyMom wrote:
Dolors,
We never know what others are struggling with, and I've found it is much better for my own peace if I can work (and sometimes it is REAL WORK, and sometimes I fail ) to assume the very best of those around me, especially those that annoy or hurt me the most.
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Amen, Amen, Amen!!!! Anger and resentment are harder on us than surrender.....a very tough lesson I seem to need to learn over and over. 
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Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
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alicegunther
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Dolors, I am so happy to read that things are improving.
Many, many thanks everyone for the kind words. You are all beautiful!
Love, Alice (mother of eight and new baby due 4/11)
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Love, Alice
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Angie Mc
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Hey ALICE! Congratulations and thanks so much for sharing your charism for helping others to fulfill their social needs, espeically among home educating families.
Dolors, Catholic homeschooling circles can be very difficult to deal with, which isn't meant to discourage but rather to reassure. We are part of the Body of Christ, but we are not one big happy family. On one hand, I have found THE most generous, kind, loving, and fine examples of God-loving people. On the other, I have met some of the most demanding, unhealthy, and entitled people I've ever known. It IS perplexing. The key is to find just one or two ladies that *you* "clique" with. Offer yourself freely to others, but don't beg. Be available, but don't be desperate. Participate in what is good, but not in what is wrong. It is better to stay home and offer up lonliness than to be emotionally and spiritually exhausted by others who either are unwilling or unable to be a friend. PRAY and TRUST that God brings you and your son friends in any way that HE sees fitting.
Two more thoughts that came to mind, Dolors, is that you have the GIFT of your age! Perhaps you can find other women of your age who are caring for children in different capacities. You could meet them after school at parks or on weekends. Also, as your child develops his own interests, they will lead to friends based on that interest. Much to my surprise and happiness, our family has made some of the sweetest friends through baseball, the main interest of my 2 sons.
Love,
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MNMommy
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I feel like I need to add a couple comments. I remember when we moved to TX, and I had to find SAHM friends. I put a smile on my face and joined every group I could find. I was resolved that I would have to meet 100 women to find one good match for us. I wasn't going to settle on my choice of families, either. I spent a year in this mode. It was exhausting, but very, very fruitful. So, my advice to you is to put the time and energy into slowly building these relationships. They take a long time to build.
My second comment is that you may very well have to shoulder more of the work in the relationships. I hope I can eloquently say this. When my kids were younger and there were fewer of them, I set up and hosted most of our play dates. I also chauffeured the other kids to and from our house. I had a smaller, younger, and less busy life than the other families, and if it was going to happen, I had to make it happen.
For instance, I found a wonderful little girl who became friends with my oldest dd. This other girl was the youngest of four dc. Their family was constantly on the go, and the littlest one didn't get play dates b/c she was attending her brother's and sisters' activities. I often picked her up and returned her after play dates. I signed my dd up for soccer and then asked this little girl to be on the team. We drove her to every practice every week b/c her parents were driving the other dc to their activities. The parents thanked me profusely for my extra effort, and I was OK with it b/c my dd wouldn't have had a friendship with the little girl without my extra work.
Now with my clan, I'm not able to be as flexible or available. I still do a lot of pick ups and drop offs, but I am much slower to setup play dates. They take a lot of energy that I don't have to give. Also, if I'm invited to someone's house, I have to worry about it being baby/toddler proof and getting out of my delicately balanced routine.
I hope something in this helped. It's much longer than I anticipated. I'm sure the "problem" isn't you. It's just the circumstances of everyone else's lives.
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Jennifer
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ekbell
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On the topic of age differences.
When I was a young mom with one child, I remember being a bit shy of a older mom I met- she had done so much more then I had and she had also gone through so much more to have her little boy.
I felt so young and callow in comparison.
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Sharyn
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It took me a long time to understand that humility and forgiveness were what was required in this situation. I am a convert and when I converted from atheism I assumed that Catholics were people with no faults. They were perfect people. They were always going to be nice, friendly, understanding. I was shocked and very saddened initially to find it not quite like I imagined. Catholics are not people without faults, they are people who by God's grace recognise their faults and fight against them. We have the same human faults as someone who doesn't believe in God, but in understanding we are God's children we work on weeding out those faults. We all have our own particular weaknesses and we are all weeding at different rates.
When I realised this I also realised I needed to look at these people who were upsetting me as 'works in progress', who needed my forgiveness and encouragement, I needed to love them in spite of their failings. After all they have to put up with my failings. That's what being a good sister in Christ means. We love one another inspite of our weaknesses.
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Sharyn
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I would also like to add an encouragement. From the time I joined my local Catholic Homeschool group to when I made good friends was many years. During these years I was hurting much and felt friendless. But God answered my prayers in his time. And I see the wisdom in this now. I now have some of the best friends you could ever ever have. I thank God so much for these dear ladies.
Trust in God, be patient, be forgiving, be content to be small, serve those who are given you as your sisters in Christ.
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Mum to dd (00), ds (03), dd (04), ds (06), one in God's care (08), dd (09), ds (11), one in God's care (13), and ds (13)
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Sharyn
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Just thinking one more thing here (we hope lol). I know how hard it is to put in the effort when it seems like it's only coming from you.
I was just thinking of what my son says sometimes when I ask him to do the dishes. He says 'why me'? and I say 'who else?, you are my son'.
And I think this is the same thing, we say 'why me God?' and He replies 'because you are my daughter, who else should I ask?'
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KauaiCatholic
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what a beautiful series of posts. such wise advice to be found here! once again, I am so very, very grateful for this board.
I am praying for all who are lonely and in need of friends, and for those who will be their friends.
ETA: 4Real IS my Catholic homeschooling group. and I am so thankful for all who share their experiences, good and bad, and make me feel less alone in this journey.
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 Viviane
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We can do no great things; only small things with great love. -- Blessed Teresa of Calcutta
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hylabrook1
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You beautiful ladies have given very wise advice. Even though I have been a mother for many, many years, I have been blessed by what I've read on this thread. All of these life lessons are things to be remembered and reminded of at any age, in any circumstances. God loves us so much by giving us opportunities to grow closer to Him by living our lives grounded in Him.
Peace,
Nancy
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dolorsofmary
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THank you all for your wonderful advice! Thank you thank you thank you! It is so spiritually edifying! I love your advice. Yet something someone said helped me be more articulate. You see there is one lady - much younger than me She well how do I say this without being hateful. Hmmm.... not sure. Well what got me thinking was the phrase someone wrote in response to my note that I cannot take on another playdate was this... that same woman has taken on a playdate with a newbe but has never ever ever ever asked me to come over for a playdate. So in other words she and is getting to know others and overlooking me and always talking about the fun playdates she has with the others right under everyones nose. I recall doing a slow burn when I would go to her house for a women's night long time ago and she and the others would always talk and laugh about their gatherings outside of that function. no children were allowed there. I just don't understand it. I would try to make conversatino with her and she would respond to me briefly and then go immediately back to her clique. The clique would just stay together at one place nd stay there and I just felt very sad. Like the newbe who i am friends with and we seem to be fast friends is getting all these playdates and she is brand new to homeschooling but I've been around since my son was born and he is 5 and no one, no one, and i repeat no one ever ever ever makes a play date with me. in fact one big wig in the group I invited her over for a playdate and her kids didn't like the boy toys we had and she never returned the favor or called me afterwards so that was it. I have 2 steady friends for playdates. One homeschools and the other doesn't. I have gotten many many many phone numbers for other playdates but no one hardly ever gets back to me or they are busy and they'll call me but then they never do. my main beef is the talking about their playdates with others. I also told the first woman that I mentioned that I might call her for a playdate since her children are close in age to my son and she said nothing. wow. but i offer this all up as a humiliation so I can get a little closer to our Lord.
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guitarnan
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Hmmm...
My first thought is, well, at least you know that here you'll get lots of responses!
I have moved often in my 25 years of marriage (  ) and it's normally hard to find friends quickly - sometimes it doesn't happen at all during a three-year tour in a particular place. But...this group sounds as though there are specific issues that make friendships harder. (Like, why are people criticizing the prudential decisions of other parents...out loud...in public...???)
It sounds from your previous posts as though your schedule is pretty full, and as your son grows older (as was previously stated), you'll be able to make other connections via sports, music, etc. That's good...maybe this is a time to just sit back for a bit and enjoy your son's wonder at discovering all the fun things about our beautiful world that bring joy to children...nature, museums, reading, playing catch, swingsets...these years are precious!
I have to say that I would personally not want to be friends with overly-critical people...just something to think about...
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JaysFamily
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Is it possible for you to just have play dates with the mothers that have been kind to you, whether they're in the group or not? Have you considered searching out other Christian homeschooling groups? I do things with some local Catholic groups, but we also do some things with a different homeschool group that is Christian, even though there is only one other Catholic family at the meetings.
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JennGM
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Dolors, so much of how you write sounds so familiar to me, as it sounds so much like you have a lot a melancholic temperament and are an introvert -- which I have both.
I have to examine myself when I go to social functions. So much of what I perceive isn't there at all, and I can make a little thing into a large issue (you said "I recall doing a slow burn") is so melancholic -- things get bigger and I get angrier the more I think of it.
I'm not dismissing your concerns, but I do find things go more smoothly for me if I remember that I need to step outside of myself, not over analyze, try to join in conversations even if I wasn't part of the original beginning, try to not sit back and watch but participate and lead if need be.
I also have to try to think the best of these people. Maybe they are having bad days, their temperaments are different, they are focused on their child/ren and not really focused on expanding. Perhaps there is some bond that makes it easier for them to do a playdate rather than me (allergy concerns, same ages/gender, right around the corner, same schedule) and it's not necessarily a preference.
Also, being an introvert, it's easier for me to do one-on-one conversations, build friends one at a time, but that doesn't happen in large groups. It's draining and hard.
So this a long way of saying so much of raising a child requires knowing myself, my temperament, my faults. There are quite a few resources to understand temperament through a Catholic focus.
I give you kudos for doing these social functions. I actually have never done play dates. I am an older mom, and have only 2 children, and sometimes yes, things can be lonely, but playdates just seem so...so contrived and modern, and exhausting.
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dolorsofmary
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Thank you. actually I'm an extrovert and but I would say that it is true that i have a melancholy disposition. thank you. I am very enthusiastic but very melancholy with some things. I was an introvert growing up. that is a good idea to examine things through personality in a catholic perspective. what a great idea. and play dates are contrived I believe BUT for an only child in the area of US I live and not knowing anyone else - playdates are a lifeline. Thank you!
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guitarnan
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It gets easier once children are 6+ years old and can more easily pursue group-oriented activities (sports, dance, etc.).
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Angie Mc
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KauaiCatholic wrote:
| ETA: 4Real IS my Catholic homeschooling group. and I am so thankful for all who share their experiences, good and bad, and make me feel less alone in this journey. |
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Viviane, I'm with you (and thank you)  . I thank all the ladies who started this gathering via the CCM yahoogroup years ago and who keep it going at 4Real. This gathering has helped me through 2 moves, growing children, changing family needs, and most recently a shift away from formal homeschooling groups to a more diverse local social network.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow!
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: clique @ the homeschool preschool playday
