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MichelleW
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 2:19pm | IP Logged
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I have been agonizing over whether (and how) to ask this question here, but I don't really know where else to go...
I just had a hysterectomy in November. I put it off and put it off because I am only 37 and we have been so hoping to have more children. When they did the surgery, there was no question it needed done. But I am having trouble adjusting. Everyday for the last 18 years was a day I could be pregnant. It was an ever-present possiblity. Since the surgery, I find myself wondering if I could be pregnant and then reminding myself, oh, right, no way.
But the biggest hurdle right now is s-x. Aside from the physical difficulties we are still trying to work out, I just keep feeling like it is almost pointless now. I know that can't be true. I know in my head that it is not true, that intimacy with dh is still very valuable, but I can't get my heart around it.
There must be other women who have been so committed to life and then had to make this abrupt shift in thinking. Is anyone willing to share her wisdom with me?
Thanks,
Michelle
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saintanneshs
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 2:35pm | IP Logged
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No wisdom, but I can feel your heartache. We'll be praying for you here.
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Kristine
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kingvozzo
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 2:45pm | IP Logged
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I'm sorry that you and your husband are having to face this struggle. I don't have any wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that I will be praying for peace and healing for you.
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 2:54pm | IP Logged
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Michelle,
I am so glad you asked. There IS at least one wonderful woman here who undertands your suffering. I let her know you're here.
In the meantime, plesae know that we are praying fervently for comfort for you.
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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KathrynTherese
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 3:22pm | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
Michelle,
I am so glad you asked. There IS at least one wonderful woman here who undertands your suffering. I let her know you're here. |
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Well, I don't know about "wonderful," but I DO know something of how you feel, Michelle. And I am very glad you asked the question as well.
The healing, the sterility in my 30s (I was not quite 37), the sexual issues. Yes, yes, yes. And for me also, there was no doubt that it was necessary, so we can have absolutely no regrets or doubts about God's will in this, right?
For me, the procedure was literally life-saving: I bled out after my last delivery and almost everyone thought there was no saving me. It was a measure of last resort and a the "miracle of the month" at that relatively quiet hospital (My dh likes to say that the best sentence he ever heard after "I do," was from the nurse who came into the waiting room to announce, "Mr. Mulderink, you were almost a dad with 7 kids. Now you are a man with 7 kids and a wife.")
I think it was relatively easy for me to accept the fact that I would have no more children because I already had 7, and because there was so obviously no other choice in the matter, so this surely was God's will for me. There could be no agonizing, there was no decision to be made in my case. If God decided I was done, then that was enough for me.
But there are issues to deal with beyond accepting that our families are now complete, that there will be no more souls to welcome into them, no more bearing of life within us (and these can be very profound issues to come to terms with!). There is the sexual issue, which you mentioned - how to approach intimacy knowing that it cannot any longer be life-giving?! This is painful! We have accepted and embraced our roles as channels of life, have opened ourselves to all that that entails, and now we must discover a new mindset. Almost 5 years later, I still think about this, Michelle. Yes, intimacy with my dh is important and necessary, but part of what made that self-giving meaningful is gone, no doubt. And it IS an "abrupt shift in thinking" that can be difficult to "get your heart around," as you put it so well... I have not found the perfect answer, though I have found some ways to think about this that have helped.
I feel that this post is already too long, and do not know if you want to pursue this here, or you would rather email me privately, Michelle. Let me know your thoughts.
__________________
KathrynTherese
my books
exhaling
opus gloriae
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 3:48pm | IP Logged
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Thanks Kathryn. Michelle,you are certainly welcmoe to continue this conversation here. However, if you don't want to share anyomre here, I can't encourage you enough to take Kathryn up on her offer.
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Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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alicegunther
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| Posted: March 20 2006 at 8:12pm | IP Logged
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I am praying for you Michelle.
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Love, Alice
mother of seven!
      
Cottage Blessings
Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
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jdostalik
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Michelle,
Know that you are in my daily prayers. I can only imagine your suffering. May our Blessed Mother wrap her mantle around you and give you comfort and peace...
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God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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Erin
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| Posted: March 21 2006 at 5:35am | IP Logged
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Michelle,
You are in my prayers, Kathryn Therese you too are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing.
__________________
Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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MichelleW
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| Posted: March 22 2006 at 2:48am | IP Logged
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I was not expecting the many people who have offered their prayers here. Thank you all so much. I am not sure how to continue the conversation. On one hand I am tempted to continue in private, on the other hand part of me hopes that a woman in this situation in the future who does a search (as I did) will find this thread and know she is not alone. Perhaps we have accomplished that already?
Forgive my indecisiveness.
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Bridget
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Michelle, please continue as much as you feel comfortable. You are generous to want to support others who might be in this situation. (It could be any of us at any time!)
You have my prayers too!
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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jackiemomof7
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| Posted: March 22 2006 at 8:21am | IP Logged
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I too have have dealt with this question, I am so glad you brought it up. My surgery was 6 years ago and I found no support in my homeschooling group. I have felt very alone, trust me I wouldn't have gone through this unless it was neccessary, who would do this for fun? In fact in my situation 2 years later I had to have 95% of my colon removed. Okay sorry to go on, just that this has so been on my mind. For the past 6 - 8 months I have cried every other day knowing I will not have more children which has caused a lack of other "activities" which my dh has been so patient and kind. If I approach anyone for advice all they would do is give me a pill and tell me to get over it. But it can't be solved that way I have to offer this suffering each day to God and ask him for the graces to understand to realize this is a new and different time in my life and to give all my attention to my children and husband. I have been doing better but at night I still lay there with an ache in my heart. When we first married and started NFP I was very scared of giving that much "control" to God. But I told God I would do His will if he would let me know when we were "done" so to speak. When I finally realized I would have to have the surgery I told my husband about the prayer I had made to God to do his will but to let me know when I was "done" we both agreed that this must have been my sign. I don't know if any of this is making sense. I just feel this is again another topic that does not get discussed among homeschoolers. It can make you feel less of a woman compared to the other moms you are with. I can't tell you how many have recently new babies and new preg. there have been in our group this year. I have my oldest daughter go down and get my girls from the Little Flower group because I can't handle seeing the expect moms or the new babies. I am sorry, does any of this make sense, I am not giving any advice just know that there is someone else who is having a hard time dealing with this subjest also.
My prayers are with you. God bless.
After reading this it sound depressed and a little angry but I was trying to be honest, this is not a pretty subject and each of us handle it different. I am very thankful for the children God has given us and I feel like I am acting like a spoiled child not getting his way, by wanting more. But when you have spent 22 years of taking care of children and truly love it, it is very hard to say there will be no more. Sigh, I wish I could express this all so much better please excuse my ramblings.
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Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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MichelleW
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| Posted: March 22 2006 at 4:06pm | IP Logged
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We are going to go ahead and take this to email. If anyone would like to join us, pm me or email me and I will add you to our email loop. I want to encourage anyone with even the slightest interest to join us, whether you feel that you have anything to contribute or not. The Holy Spirit can use us to encourage each other.
Michelle
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jackiemomof7
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| Posted: March 22 2006 at 10:05pm | IP Logged
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Please accecpt my apology if I offended anyone with my post. Not a good day for me with dr office giving me the run around regarding MRI and finding out our son goes to Iraq in the next 90 days. I am normally a lurker who seldoms post because I don't convey my thoughts well in cyberspace.
Peace,
__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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alicegunther
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| Posted: March 22 2006 at 10:18pm | IP Logged
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jackiemomof7 wrote:
| Please accecpt my apology if I offended anyone with my post. Not a good day for me with dr office giving me the run around regarding MRI and finding out our son goes to Iraq in the next 90 days. |
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Jackie, I did not find your post the least bit offensive--just heartfelt and authentic, which is exactly what it should be. I will pray for you and for your son as well.
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Love, Alice
mother of seven!
Cottage Blessings
Brew yourself a cup of tea, and come for a visit!
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Erin
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jackiemomof7 wrote:
| I too have have dealt with this question, I am so glad you brought it up. My surgery was 6 years ago and I found no support in my homeschooling group. I have felt very alone,. |
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Jackie,
My heart is so heavy for you, I hate to think of you going through all this with no support. Know that I will be keeping you in my prayers.
I think this topic has been a great one to discuss and it needs to 'be brought to light.' but I understand your need to go more privately. I pray it brings support and healing. Thank you both for sharing so personally we all need a 'wake up call.'
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Erin
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Bridget
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| Posted: March 23 2006 at 5:57am | IP Logged
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There was NOTHING offensive in anyone's posts. This is a sensitive topic and I'm glad that it's been brought up and the ladies who are affected by it have found each other. The discussion could stay here but I understand how it would be easier to have a frank conversation if it was more private.
My heart aches for all of you. I don't know if I would handle it as well as you have if happens to me. You are amazingly strong ladies. I will keep those we know about and those we don't in my prayers.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Elizabeth
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| Posted: March 23 2006 at 6:41am | IP Logged
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I, too, am glad you ladies have shared. And I want to be sure this thread gets archived so others can find it when they need it. It doesn't get talked about often enough. Kathryn, before this goes to the archives, would you share with us please the poem you wrote about your experience, "To Sing You Must Exhale"?
__________________
Elizabeth Foss is no longer a member of this forum. Discussions now reflect the current management & are not necessarily expressions of her book, *Real Learning*, her current work, or her philosophy. (posted by E. Foss, Jan 2011)
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Karen E.
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Michelle and Jackie,
My prayers are with you as you adjust to all of this .... nothing was offensive our out-of-bounds, and thanks for sharing all that you did.
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God bless,
Karen E.
mom to three on earth, and several souls in God's care
Visit my blog, with its shockingly clever title, "Karen Edmisten."
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MichelleW
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| Posted: June 07 2006 at 7:17pm | IP Logged
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With the moderator's and my sweet email friends' permissions I am posting our email conversations thus far. The hope is that the lurkers who have the same questions will be blest. I am posting each response separately (but all under my name) so that hopefully it will sort of flow like the conversation that it was...
From the 4RealLearning email loop on Dealing with Hysterectomy
Kathryn:
Well, Michelle, I don't know anything about you. Except that you have been
asked to sacrifice the same thing I have been asked to sacrifice.
This gives us a common denominator, and our desire to be open to God's will
and direction is a great foundation.
But it might be helpful to know about the children you do have, and about
some of the circumstances of your hysterectomy. I already shared some of my
story with you, but I am interested in your own, if you are comfortable
sharing it.
Kathryn
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Recent hysterectomy
