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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: July 05 2010 at 8:51pm | IP Logged
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Wonderful conversation, ladies. 
I agree...I don't think the decor is as important as the atmosphere. I have often found myself treated more welcoming in a messy home than in a home that is neat as a pin.
My home usually stands on a precipice between the two.  It does not stay clean long.
One tip I've picked up from visits to the homes of different hsers is not to apologize for the condition one's house is currently in.
I've been in homes that were not tidy yet the housewife bubbled over with welcome and seemed blissfully happy and content in her home.
I've been in homes that are more kept than mine and the housewife fretted and apologized the whole time.
Embarrassingly, I find myself more comfortable in a less than orderly home because I feel I can relax my expectation regarding my own home. I'm not talking about disrespecting the home my husband has provided for us and not keeping it in good, clean condition; but in remembering that the relationships and the people within my home (and those who visit us) deserve more of my attention than the current condition of my house.
Little things which (I think) make my home a place others would like as a family home are:
* A welcoming smile
* Scented candles
* Something recently baked
* A refreshment offered (here's where that teatime between meals comes in nicely)
* Have a pot of coffee/tea on the stove at all times or a pitcher of iced tea/lemonade available
* A cleared off table (no matter how you have to clear it  ) & pretty centerpiece
* Taking an interest in our guests and what they say rather than the condition of our home
* Listen more/Talk less
* Don't portray negativity or criticism when speaking of others
* Soft music in the background
* Soft laying on of hands (& and a welcoming smile) when your children come quickly, loudly, interruptingly to you (I know, easier said than done sometimes but remember that your guest(s) is/are watching your reaction.
I recently watched a Duggar episode and a family that was visiting them commented on how the mother, Michele Duggar, never seems hurried or frazzled or annoyed with her guests or what is going on around her.
It's the calmness, the inner strength, the peacefulness coming from the mother and which emits joy and contentment to those around her which makes a home worthy of its family.
I think...
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Becky Parker
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| Posted: July 06 2010 at 6:45am | IP Logged
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I'm posting your list on my bulletin board Cay!
My dh and I have been talking alot about this because his mom and her husband, who are very used to living in a fine home, will be coming to visit for a couple of weeks. When we go to visit them, we stay in a hotel because they get nervous about the kids being there.
So of course I'm stressing and telling my husband we need to put our life savings into remodeling our home! He keeps assuring me that the decor isn't what makes a home - much of what has been mentioned in this thread, actually.
I need to do the things I can to provide a comfortable place for them and try to keep a peaceful demeanor. I'm sure that will make more difference then a newly remodeled kitchen (which wouldn't be that bad either , but I'm sure it's not going to happen this year!)
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Becky
Wife to Wes, Mom to 6 wonderful kids on Earth and 4 in Heaven!
Academy Of The Good Shepherd
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: July 06 2010 at 8:51am | IP Logged
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Becky Parker wrote:
| I'm posting your list on my bulletin board Cay! |
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I tried keeping it realistic, Becky. I hope it was anyway. I'm going to go back and add one more thing in there.
Becky Parker wrote:
I need to do the things I can to provide a comfortable place for them and try to keep a peaceful demeanor. |
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This is the key, Becky. Make sure your guests are comfortable. But their comfort at the top of your list.
And keep a peaceful spirit about yourself. Perhaps we can all help give you suggestions on doing this because it's a known fact that household guests (especially relatives) can test our peaceful waters.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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Cay Gibson
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| Posted: July 06 2010 at 9:08am | IP Logged
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Becky Parker wrote:
| My dh and I have been talking alot about this because his mom and her husband, who are very used to living in a fine home, will be coming to visit for a couple of weeks. When we go to visit them, we stay in a hotel because they get nervous about the kids being there. |
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A couple of added thoughts...probably things you already know but...
Remember that people will talk about you and your home and your children anyway. And some people are forever negative and critical. They can't help themselves.  No matter what you do for them, they may still be negative and critical. Or say something about your family, children, home, lifestyle that is less than appreciative of all your hard work.
Do it anyway.
Mother Teresa's words; not mine. 
You mention getting nervous about the children. I can totally understand this while being in someone else's home but in this case this is your home and your children's. In being too nervous about our children while our guests are present, we make our children resent the company that are visiting.
Perhaps instruct your children before the relatives arrive to remember a couple of good etiquette (perhaps write them out for copywork so the children will remember them twice). This way you will only have to give gentle reminders to the children, "Good etiquette, children" rather than getting frustrated.
* Think of others first.
* Direct your children to focus on their guests and not themselves---tell them what your expectations are (ie: making the guests feel comfortable, making sure Grandma has her quiet time/nap every afternoon, offering Grandpa cream for his coffee every morning, etc.)
* Take all rough play, running, hollering and loud noises outside because it makes Grandma nervous. 
* Tell them that when you ask them to pick up a mess you want them to do it pleasantly and willingly and not worry about who made the mess in the first place (big issue around here )
* Remember there are guests in the house before drinking the last glass of milk or eating the last piece of cake.
* Enjoy the grandparents/aunts & uncles being there. They might not pass this way again.
Can anyone think of anything else that I'm forgetting? Things you'd want your children to remember?
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
Cajun Cottage Under the Oaks
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: July 06 2010 at 9:24am | IP Logged
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Don't mob them at the door.
Lots of happy excited children are overwhelming to many people.. if you can get the kids to at least let the guests come inside it's easier on everyone.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
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Servant2theKing
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I wrote a long post earlier (and promptly lost it)...thanking you all for the thoughtful ideas shared here. I find myself intentionally seeking ways to be present to our children lately, even in the midst of a few Summer projects, to put our own personal mark on the home we moved into 6 years ago. Since dh works long hours, I'm trying to spend extra time with dc, doing things they all enjoy...having friends over for a campout, playing board games (we played Chinese checkers before bed last night and first thing again this morning), staying up late watching classic movies from the library, fixing simple treats that make us all feel like we're on vacation. This time is well spent...everyone is more peaceful, happy and content. Oddly, even the painting we've been doing in various rooms is creating a warmer, cozier atmosphere that seems to better enhance our desire to have a welcoming, loving Domestic Church! I hope and pray that trying to create a true family home now will make our home a place they always want to return to when they have families of their own someday! Like Cay mentioned, we will not pass this way again! Our relationships with one another truly make a house a home.
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Belle
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Cay Gibson wrote:
Becky Parker wrote:
| My dh and I have been talking alot about this because his mom and her husband, who are very used to living in a fine home, will be coming to visit for a couple of weeks. When we go to visit them, we stay in a hotel because they get nervous about the kids being there. |
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You mention getting nervous about the children. I can totally understand this while being in someone else's home but in this case this is your home and your children's. In being too nervous about our children while our guests are present, we make our children resent the company that are visiting.
Perhaps instruct your children before the relatives arrive to remember a couple of good etiquette (perhaps write them out for copywork so the children will remember them twice). This way you will only have to give gentle reminders to the children, "Good etiquette, children" rather than getting frustrated.
* Think of others first.
* Direct your children to focus on their guests and not themselves---tell them what your expectations are (ie: making the guests feel comfortable, making sure Grandma has her quiet time/nap every afternoon, offering Grandpa cream for his coffee every morning, etc.)
* Take all rough play, running, hollering and loud noises outside because it makes Grandma nervous.
* Tell them that when you ask them to pick up a mess you want them to do it pleasantly and willingly and not worry about who made the mess in the first place (big issue around here )
* Remember there are guests in the house before drinking the last glass of milk or eating the last piece of cake.
* Enjoy the grandparents/aunts & uncles being there. They might not pass this way again.
Can anyone think of anything else that I'm forgetting? Things you'd want your children to remember? |
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Wonderful ideas Cay. Especially point four , though I think that one can be applied ALL the time in this house, not just when guests are here.
I adore my MIL. She's been more of a mother to me in the 16 years I have known her than my own mother has been in my life time. But I used to fret a lot before her visits too. I'm no slouch, but her home is always pristine. (Okay so really there is no one in it all day since she works and my FIL practically lives outside, but still)
I would spend days deep cleaning before she arrived and she'd still spend most of her time tidying my house! I soon realised it wasn't a criticism of how I keep my home, but more the kind of woman she is. She cannot sit idly, she must always be doing. And I suppose because when I am in her home I am constantly tidying up after my Dh and kids she probably feels like she must do the same.
One time she visited it all ended in tears. She's the kind of woman who loves through service. She loves to help. I did not realise that by picking up my family's mess in her home and insisting she sit back and relax in my home that I was actually making her feel useless, unneeded and a burden. Once I figured that out, I no longer cringe when I see her drag out the vacuum cleaner or mop. (She actually loves my vacuum because it's an upright and she is a tall woman so she doesn't have to bend to vacuum in my home!) Now I just smile and say "Thanks Mum, since you're doing that, I'll go hang the washing on the line."
When I was younger I saw her as being a little condescending and controlling. Until I figured out this is how she loves and what better way to bond with her than to simply stand beside her and work with her. I have learnt a lot from her and I think she has been quite surprised to learn a thing or two from me.
Just figure out what it is that makes your MIL tick. Once you figure that out, and with Cay's guide for household rules, your visit should be beautifully smooth. In theory anyway
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RyaneM
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Great ideas, ladies. This "family home" idea has been on my mind a lot lately. Thanks so much for starting this thread, Cay.
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Ryane in NY 
Mama to ds (3/05), ds(1/09) and dd (4/10)
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4Real Forums : Our Lady's Loom, Larder, and Laundry
Topic: Making a Family Home
