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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 1:02am | IP Logged
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i have been thinking about something.
i do not think being a SAHM is anything like being a Homeschooling Mom.
Hear me out.
My DH has a fulltime job. But - since i homeschool the children - so do i. yes?
while i try to do everything i would do when i was a SAHM only, i can't. there are people here at home all day (not away at school) plus - i am supposed to be teaching them. i can't be giving the science experiment my full attention if i am doing the laundry. i can't be sitting and helping my dd to work on her phonics if i am also trying to do "house stuff."
i see the books (and books and books and books.....) written to Homeschool moms about how we are supposed to magically be balancing it all.
i think i have come to a conclusion that it is an unrealistic expectation.
if i was working a fulltime job outside the home - i would not be able to be doing laundry, doing dishes, cleaning bathrooms, mopping floors, vacuuming rugs, cooking meals, shopping, etc, all on my own. My DH and i would have to split these jobs. and i wouldn't feel guilty about it.
So - even tho i DO have a fulltime job - except it is done at home by homeschooling - i still feel like i am never doing enough, never accomplishing all that i should, etc, etc. (and this is not even factoring in having Fibromyalgia and IBS, both of which can be debilitating.)
Now - my DH helps around the house - a LOT. but i always feel like he has to do so because i have dropped the ball.
so - thoughts? opinions? am i just making excuses? or do Homeschool Moms have unrealistic expectations placed on them?
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mom2mpr
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Yes. I know I place unrealistic expectations on myself. Especially since I grew up with a SAHM, whose kids went to PS and was a perfectionist. Yikes.
I just realized last week-ha- that I DO have a full time job in schooling my kids. More than full time if you count planning and getting stuff together--which I am having a hard time doing. Dh does not help me around the house and while I am training the kids as best I can, I am floundering.
So, give up my ideas of having an open, welcoming home to school my kids? I am trying to figure this one out as doing it all is killing me. And in my heart I cannot invite people over to my mess. I guess some would think it was OK but I have a problem with it and need to figure out how to get over it.
Because it isn't going to get better and I cannot do it all, perfectly.
SAHM, nah!! Our primary job is homeschooling mom and it is so much different.
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Anne, married to dh 16 years!, ds,(97), Little One (02), and dd (02).
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drmommy
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 8:40am | IP Logged
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Well, all I can say for me is that perfectionism and a nice clean house went out the door when I started homeschooling two years ago! Because hubby works 80 hours per week, and I work outside the home 9-2 three days per week, homeschooling is pretty much done afternoons into the evenings, and on the two days I don't work (which we have activities also) and even on Saturday mornings. I don't have a house cleaner, because I would have to clean up my paper clutter first! I have four children, and they have to help a lot in the chore department (17, 12, 10, and 7). But, that being said, it is super difficult to balance everything, and there are holes. Homeschooling is a full time job, yes, but one that I love dearly. We don't do other crafts (the girls have sewing) or that many field trips (no time), or watch any tv, so we are missing some things in homeschooling, and a lot of "fun", but I know that they are safe and learning our faith in a loving environment.
As for the house, what I have noticed is that the teenagers will come over our house, a lot, after their public school, because our house is inviting and full of love....even if it is a paper mess! I meet friends for a quick coffee to get together, so I don't feel like I have to quick clean, and we keep our social life pretty bare, as hubby isn't home with his schedule...but we do have our Saturday night date night, which comes first all week, along with Mass at 8 am on Sunday! So, a good friend won't even look at the house, she will just feel the love when she walks through the door.
Yes, Laura you DO have a full time job...teaching in all areas of life, not just academically!! And the faith...not an easy task, that's for sure.  I bet your house if fine, children loved and husband happy. That is what matters!!
However, my husband BETTER NOT say anything about the house...he knows better! 
Be at peace...this is where our dear Lord wants you now, and you are doing a great job. Hey, we all are! Even if it does get crazy sometimes. I think, hey, my girls are not going to do any fun things, but we do..help at a ranch, piano, sewing, and just laughing a lot. They will remember Mom being happy and joyful, and have great memories of school being like that. I try not to look around, because I could go into pretty dark places if my eyes start to wander and then I start to feel inadequate! Be at peace...just being here with our friends, you know you are covered with love, and you know that love conquers all. 
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MicheleQ
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| Posted: Jan 05 2010 at 11:51am | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
| so - thoughts? opinions? am i just making excuses? or do Homeschool Moms have unrealistic expectations placed on them? |
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I don't think you are making excuses, I think you're right, you can't do it all!
Deciding to homeschool means making a choice to let other things go or getting help. I know many moms who get outside cleaning help (beyond my financial means but I would LOVE it and don't think less of anyone who is able to have it), tutors for various subjects, etc.
My husband is great about helping out (he's out grocery shopping right now in fact) but I do understand that dropping the ball feeling. I don't think it's justified though because as my husband reminds me often, we are a FAMILY and families work together. As the mother I am the heart of the home but that doesn't mean I have to wash the dishes every time.
Again, you can only do so much and if you are homeschooling you have added a lot more work to the mix.
God bless,
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Michele Quigley
wife to my prince charming and mom of 10 in Lancaster County, PA USA
http://michelequigley.com
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Bookswithtea
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Absolutely. Dh and I often make decisions that are hard, and inevitably, one of us says at some point, "Our moms and dads didn't have to make this decision because we were in school." 
You aren't dropping the ball. You just have more balls in the air than any one person can juggle. When I get that feeling, I end up on my knees, because I know that Jesus' burden is light. If I am feeling burdened, its because I've taken on responsibilities that he is not asking of me. Its just that is *really* hard to figure out what to cut when your choices are getting laundry done, teaching phonics, or making a nice cooked homemade dinner.
I feel your pain.
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 07 2010 at 11:52am | IP Logged
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So - do you think books like MOTH are mostly helpful or hurtful?
i say mostly - because i think there are some good ideas in there.
However - they seem to really suggest that Mom should be able to get it *all* done (or oversee the delegating of everything) - if you would only schedule your time correctly.
Dad is "nowhere" on those schedules. Cuz he has a "real job"?
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Marcia
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QUOTE: Dad is "nowhere" on those schedules. Cuz he has a "real job"?
Family balance is hard to keep. It means sometimes mom is doing a lot more and sometimes dad has to pull the reins harder in our family. Delegating can happen sometimes, but it can be really hard.
I personally think I often have unrealistic expectations of myself. And that can depress me. I set the bar way higher than I can make....but if you are shooting for the moon and end up in the stars....that's not too bad either.
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Marcia
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Homeschooling 10th, 7th, 5th, 2nd, PreK and a toddler in tow.
I wonder why
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JodieLyn
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I know one friend who thinks that MOTH is something every mom should try.. just to see that it's totally impossible to fit in everything and you're gonna have to pick and choose. 
It simply won't work for me.. I'm not wired to follow a schedule like that so it's an effort in futility anyway.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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SuzanneG
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| Posted: Jan 07 2010 at 12:24pm | IP Logged
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cactus mouse wrote:
| So - do you think books like MOTH are mostly helpful or hurtful? |
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Hurtful? How can a concept where one mom explains a concept, system or plan that works for her be hurtful?
It's always good to hear how others have prayerfully considered their cirucmstances, families, and situation, and how they problem-solved to make things work. Take that information and process, and prayerfully consider it for your family.
Tweak, discuss, figure, pray, disregard, come back, use it or don't!
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Suzanne in ID
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MicheleQ
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I think the problem comes in when others take it as a "must do" for everyone instead of a "this is what works for me and might work for you". I haven't read MOTH but in charity I will assume the message is the latter.
As always, we can't compare. My life, my circumstances, my choices and my energy level isn't the same as someone elses'. I have to do what God asks of ME and not get stuck on what someone else is doing that I'm not. I may find some helpful ideas in hearing about what they are doing but I have to be able to let go of what I know doesn't work for me.
My dh works mostly from home and I am well aware of how fortunate we are in that. It took some adjusting initially but it truly a blessing.
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Michele Quigley
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http://michelequigley.com
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guitarnan
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I definitely think books like MOTH (which I haven't read, because I would never use a schedule - that's why I am such an eclectic homeschooler ) are meant to be helpful, not dictatorial or guilt-inducing.
I have a friend who has a blog for SAHMs. She homeschools her large family. She has some great ideas - some which work for me and some which don't. She blogs about them and it's fun to read about her experiences. That doesn't mean I feel pressured to do everything her way. Yes, her home is tidier than mine, and she feeds her family on less than I spend. That's okay.
I think Suzanne's and Michele's suggestions about taking life plans to God in prayer are so helpful - once I learned to include God and (usually) dh in my plans for our day at home, things worked out much better. I am nowhere near the perfect anything, but I know I'm striving to find God's plan for me, and that's a very peace-filled feeling.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Barbara C.
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I think what Laura is saying is that something like MOTH may make someone feel inadequate. "Look at all the things that woman can do. Why I am unable to do it, too? What's wrong with me?"
Sometimes it is so hard to keep things in perspective when it seems like everyone else has it so together. Sometimes when you read these parenting/organizing books you don't hear as much about the failures or how the individual circumstances of that person's life (temperament, family dynamic, finances, skills, talents) contributed to their success.
I always say that when I stayed home from working outside the home I just downsized from three jobs (medical billing, housework, and parenting) to the last two. Then I added homeschooling.
I remember the Tightwad Gazette recommending that a SAHM try to work the same number of hours on housework as her husband works at his job...but then again she didn't homeschool.
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Barbara
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CrunchyMom
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My husband is a part of my "rule" and he likes having a routine outlining the ideal so he knows where his help is most needed at a given time.
Different family dynamics are just different. If I were more choleric like my husband, we could probably institute something similar to the MOTH system fairly effectively.
So, I'm not sure it is simply a matter of Moms versus Dads or homeschool versus SAHM as much as it is differences of temperament, situation, and priorities. No one can do "it all," but that doesn't mean that various systems that help one balance their chosen priorities differently are flawed. I elaborated on my ideas regarding this somewhat in a blog post I mostly referred to blogs, but the same is true of books and other ways that different ideas are communicated.
Most books and systems of this nature also have one revisit their "plan" on a regular basis. This implies that, everyone will have things that don't work and need tweaking, always. Even the homes that appear from the outside to be well-oiled machines likely have elements that fail to reach the ideal of its inhabitants. At some point, in humility, we must all be faced with our personal limitations.
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[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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folklaur
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Barbara C. wrote:
| I think what Laura is saying is that something like MOTH may make someone feel inadequate. "Look at all the things that woman can do. Why I am unable to do it, too? What's wrong with me?" |
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thank you, yes, this is exactly what i meant.
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CrunchyMom
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cactus mouse wrote:
Barbara C. wrote:
| I think what Laura is saying is that something like MOTH may make someone feel inadequate. "Look at all the things that woman can do. Why I am unable to do it, too? What's wrong with me?" |
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thank you, yes, this is exactly what i meant. |
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I'm pretty sure that it is a particular temptation of women in general to compare themselves to each other in that way. It seems more an issue of the attitude of the individual rather than the fault of any particular system or outside influence. This is not a modern phenomena of homeschool mothers in particular, imho.
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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JodieLyn
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Laura, I think just about any book about organizing will do that. Because!!! they write the book because they found a solution that worked for them. And allowed them to do everything that they make a priority. And if you were a person who didn't wing it well, who flounders without specific direction.. something like MOTH will be a Godsend. And let you set your priorities and get things done.
If you're like me it would only show up how very poorly you could follow a system like that. And if I set great store in being able to follow that system it could make me feel horrible about myself.
But I know that it's a poor system for me to use. That it has a very poor likelihood of working. And my natural inclination is just to pass it along.. that's a great idea but doesn't fit me, I might look at it longingly for a bit.. like a shoe or dress that I just love that doesn't come in my size.. but then I move on without berating myself that my foot is too big, or that I'm too tall for that dress.
It also sounds like you're a bit frustrated with trying to get everything around the house done as well as homeschooling, while your dh only has his out of the house job. At least you keep pointing out how these programs focus on that. And that's really something that you need to pray about (I'd have to pray for a good attitude) and discuss with your dh. Let him know how you feel and why.. maybe even show him on paper how much time school takes.
I think sometimes we can get to the point that we trust another so much that we don't consider whether they're struggling to get all the things on their plate done. Not to mention how homeschooling changes as our kids get older.. taking more thought and time.
No matter what system you use, as things change, kids grow, it needs to be reassessed, and maybe some grace given to those who aren't there as much missing that the situation has changed.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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guitarnan
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I do think you have to factor in homeschooling time, particularly when you have littles or teens taking tough subjects. Someone with six hours of time during the school day can do housework and pay bills without constant interruptions. We can't.
And - side note - after reading a local news story about bullying in schools, I will say some extra prayers of thanksgiving tonight for the privilege of having my children home with me. I am blessed, even in the messiest and busiest weeks.
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Nancy in MD. Mom of ds (24) & dd (18); 31-year Navy wife, move coordinator and keeper of home fires. Writer and dance mom.
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Bookswithtea
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JodieLyn wrote:
| I know one friend who thinks that MOTH is something every mom should try.. just to see that it's totally impossible to fit in everything and you're gonna have to pick and choose. |
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The ironic thing is that this is where I finally realized that I was not capable of doing everything I wanted to do or thought I should be able to do. 
I own and I do reference books like MROL and MOTH, but they can be difficult at times to take. The attitude is sort of, "my life was a mess and then I did this, and now I am super-mom!" I don't think either author means to sound that way. They are just enthusiastic.
In reading Simplicity Parenting and meditating on my word for the year (Quiet), I am coming to some very very hard realizations about what I can truly accomplish within my own temperament, strengths and weaknesses. The cutting process is excruciating.  But its good, too. I am learning to read a blog, book or scheduling manual without wishing I could accomplish all that another mom seems to handle easily. I am learning to assume the best of both myself and the authors... that there are other priorities that are lower on the scale for her, and that I might be stronger in another area. And I am trusting that God gave us the children *we* have because our strengths, weaknesses and temperaments are exactly the right mix to help us all to grow up and into Love of God.
...and sometimes, its just better for me if I don't read those books, blogs, or whatever, for awhile...
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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ALmom
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One of the good things about being a SAHM, homeschooling mom is that no matter how perfectionist your tendencies, no matter what faults you have or weaknesses from your temperment - you cannot ignore them for very long at all. They come hitting you in the face just because you are all together, everyday, messing up the house, doing all those things as family.
It hits us in the face on such a regular and close level, that it simply cannot be ignored, shoved under the rug, or left unattended for very long without causing intense pain. Now facing our own weaknesses is never a picnic - I'd rather believe I was perfect and had it all together. I cannot pretend that even to myself in the messy life we lead. Everyone here in my house knows without a doubt what my faults are - we see each other in close contact practically 24/7. I will say we begin to address things and work on them - and sometimes simply because we are forced to do so.
I hate delegating (I'd rather do it myself because I'm "quicker" and do a "better" job anyways - do you see those choleric/melancholic tendencies that can drive your fellow man insane). Well, guess what - like it or not, I have to delegate and learn to prioritize and accept the best effort of someone else. It has been very important for me to learn to accept good enough. (A different temperment might have to learn something else - I see some of that in the tendencies in children) Of course, there are days (particularly when I'm under stress) when those tempermental/ selfish/ prideful weaknesses rear their ugly heads and I revert to old patterns. But all the strains and stresses of homeschooling are the best means anyone could devise to keep me working at conquering these things. I have been shown over and over again that God wanted me to homeschool more for my own sake than for the children's sake.
I don't know if that is any different than parenting in general - honestly I've never done anything but be at home and homeschool. I do know that the fact that we are together so much, that we are in our house all the time, that I have such a range in ages that we are busy with teens and trying to help youngsters all at the same time (and many of you are fortunate enough to have babies and toddlers too). The extra demands come with their own challenges - but there are different ones that we don't have. I've seen very faithful, Catholic moms have different sets of training in faithfulness in terms of balancing the respect due to the authorities in the school and the responsibility to oversee and ensure the education of their children and the protection of their tender souls. I've learned a lot about respectfully holding your ground from them. That too is draining and time consuming. We all, no matter who we are or what we do, have to chose how we spend our time and balance and prioritize.
I am not sure there is really as much difference between us when we are taking our duty seriously. Now that there is such a network of homeschooling moms, I think we have more of the support that was often lacking in the really early years. I think it is easiest to be most sensitive and hurt when we are faced with prejudices - and they can come from either group, I believe, so it is important to rejoice in the good and help each other through the bad. Just my off the top, mellowed from doing this so long 2 cents.
Janet
Janet
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folklaur
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JodieLyn wrote:
It also sounds like you're a bit frustrated with trying to get everything around the house done as well as homeschooling, while your dh only has his out of the house job. At least you keep pointing out how these programs focus on that. And that's really something that you need to pray about (I'd have to pray for a good attitude) and discuss with your dh. Let him know how you feel and why.. maybe even show him on paper how much time school takes. |
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actually, no - this was spurred from another conversation in which i was privy to many moms beating themselves up for not being able to do it all.
i said upthread how my DH and i share house responsibilities - altho sometimes - especially after reading some of these types of books, i feel like i *should* feel inadequate for doing so.
in the previous conversation that i was mentioning - people started suggesting to overstretched moms how they should get books like MOTH. my feeling was these poor women already were at their limit - a book like MOTH could either 1. help, or 2. convince them that there was no way they were cut out for a homeschooling lifestyle. (thus my "hurt or help" question - which i also see was misunderstood and i got admonished on...)
they also seemed to be under the impression that their DH's had no child/house responsibilities at all - and that was when i realized that often, the homeschool/time management books i have read seem to also imply that Mom should be able to do it/manage it all - as in, Dad's job was going to work, Mom's job was EVERYTHING else.
so - i simply wanted to discuss the idea, and hoped to be able to get some input from other moms whose opinion i trust. which i thought was you all.
however, i seem to have not been understood very well at all, and i think i would rather just bow out now, since now i feel like i am supposed to be defending myself and my dh - who, God Bless him, does oodles.
so - sorry for confusion, and feel free to just let this thread die.
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Topic: SAHM or Homeschooling Mom...
