| Author | |
insegnante
Forum All-Star
Joined: April 07 2006
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1143
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
|
 |
|
Claudia, I am so sorry to hear this and am praying for you.
I don't want to somehow be insensitive with "false hope" by saying this because I have never been through this at all myself, but I have heard of misdiagnosed miscarriages (there is even a site by that name -- http://www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com) and since your baby's growth is so close to the age he or she would be, might a followup ultrasound show something different?
__________________
Theresa
mommy to three boys, 3/02, 8/04, and 9/10, and a girl, 8/08
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 3:37pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, I am so so sorry. My last miscarriage was the most difficult thing that I have ever had to deal with. I've had miscarriages before, but always prior to 6 weeks. The last one I finished at 12 weeks to the day. I have not written about my experience yet, and if you'd rather not hear about it, please don't read any further. It was very helpful for me to hear the stories of others to help prepare me for what was to come. I understand you may not feel the same.
Physically it was crazy scary, out of control, messy, and very painful. It lasted for three days, a lot of stop and start and off and on until the third day - that was when all heck broke loose and my husband rushed me to the ER where I turned down a blood transfusion and signed myself out AMA. We were treated horribly there - I won't even get into that here. I passed out in my bed for the last time after my husband brought me home. (I blacked out numerous times that day...) I got progressively better throughout that day. I am now 12 days past and while I'm still a bit 'spinney, foggy, and weak' I am getting stronger each day and pretty much back to normal activity with a few more stops for rest along the way.
After all of that though, I will say that I am very very glad that I chose to go through it all naturally. I felt very strongly about keeping the integrity of the birth in tact. I will add that 9 of my babies have been born at home and I am a huge advocate of homebirth, so I'm sure that factored into things for me. I wanted to experience all that I could of our baby's existence - if that makes any sense. I know not everyone feels this way, and in no way do I intend to belittle the feelings and desires of those who feel differently. It is a deeply personal decision.
While I am loads better physically, my tender heart is a different story. I feel so very empty, even with a nursing toddler/baby in my lap, I constantly sense that someone is missing. I know this will get better, and God has granted me with many consolations along the way for which I am thankful.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I am just so very sorry that you have to endure this. I apologize if I have shared too much here...
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
12stars
Forum Pro
Joined: April 25 2008
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 3:52pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
No not all Lisa, in many ways you have helped me through my own process of grieving and understanding what God wants for us.
I feel just the same as you described a sense of tremendous loss.
Even though I am still nursing my little son, and I find comfort in him, but once my body does what it needs to do I am not sure what to expect and only pray for strength.
One thing that I have been inquiring about and have not really gotten anywhere is the burial of the body. Our local Catholic cemetery is about 2,000 when all is said and done, and we cannot afford that. This is the hardest part for me not knowing what to actually do about the remains. I am having a hard time locaing a priest as well. They are all busy.
I totally understand allowing your body to do this naturally, but I am very unsure as to what to expect.
I am coming to the conclusion that everybody does what is best for them, but through each of your experiences I am able to understand much more and what I should do.
This is so tough, I hope you fel better soon Lisa. My deepest sorrow is knowing that this has happened to many of you as well.
Thank you so much Lisa for taking the time to share with me.
__________________
Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 3:58pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, it is a problem because it's so early and so many won't consider that baby a person, no death certificate etc. Some simply choose their back yard.
And I suggest that you are ready with whatever you want for putting the baby into. I used a small jewelry box I had and a piece of the recieving blankets that all my children have used. My grammy made me a set of 6.. it's now a set of 5 and 1 that is missing a corner.  but I'm so very glad that I made that choice.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
12stars
Forum Pro
Joined: April 25 2008
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 4:00pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Yes I think that is the route we will have to take as well.
I found these tiny bitty caskets at heavensgain.com so I might just get one of those.
__________________
Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Bookswithtea
Forum All-Star
Joined: July 07 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 4:10pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JodieLyn wrote:
| Some simply choose their back yard. |
|
|
I have a friend who did this. She has a small Mary garden in their yard, with a lovely angel statue that overlooks where she buried her two miscarried children. She was able to find a priest to bless the little garden as well. I think its really beautiful.
That said, this is definitely a touchy issue. She received a lot of criticism from other Catholic moms and one priest who really felt strongly they should be buried only in a Catholic cemetery, so you might not want to be too vocal about this choice. .02
__________________
Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
nissag
Forum All-Star
Joined: Nov 23 2006
Location: Massachusetts
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1511
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 4:54pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm sorry Claudia. I have had miscarriages, but never as far along as 12 weeks. My latest was 8-9 weeks. I went naturally at home - it took 5 days or so.
I haven't read all of the responses, but I am confident you'll get some good answers. And in case no one has mentioned it already, check out the Elizabeth Ministry, and Heaven's Gain. EM has some wonderful books for everyone in the family about miscarriage - especially helpful when you want to explain to siblings. And HG has lovely caskets. You CAN have a burial for your baby and some cemeteries have special places put aside for preborns - and some of those will offer services for free. Your parish priest or deacon may know about one near you.
I'll be praying for you. It's so difficult emotionally, and there is no right way to feel.
Blessings,
__________________
Nissa
Deacon's wife, mother of eleven, farmer, teacher, creator, cook.
At Home With the Gadbois Family
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
KC in TX
Forum All-Star
Joined: Aug 05 2005
Location: Texas
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2621
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 5:57pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I'm so sorry.
__________________
KC,
wife to Ben (10/94),
Mama to LB ('98)
Michaela ('01)
Emma ('03)
Jordan ('05)
And, my 2 angels, Rose ('08) and Mark ('09)
The Cabbage Patch
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 9:47pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, I have had two "official" miscarriages that were at 8 and 12 wks. and I'm pretty positive I had one several months ago (without being aware of a pregnancy) because I passed a little bean-shape with a tiny cord made up of three threads attached and had more intense bleeding and cramping than usual. It was awful to hold that little shape in my hand so unexpectedly, true. I think the unknowing is one of the hardest parts God asks of us.
Having said that, I will say that I have chosen to deliver at home, and I am SO glad I have the memories of seeing those little tiny ones and the placentas or parts of them. This might not be true for all women and I agree with Lisa that this is so personal, and it depends on your medical condition, but for me: it was healing.
I hated the deciding part....I was a mess deciding what to do both times. Because I HATE the waiting. I hated the waiting so much. Not knowing when or where. SO that is something to consider. But I think God is good. I actually went through an evening with contractions and expulsion of contents, with severe pain and figured it was pretty much over; but the LAST thing to come out on the following day with no pain (when I went to the bathroom at La Bou restaurant, believe it, or not) was the intact fetus. I am so glad I was able to "catch" him or her. It was very emotional. And I was so happy to be able to "connect" in that way and finalize it.
I know women who are absolutely glad they were put to sleep and didn't have to deal with the trauma of the delivery of babies that were farther along....because emotionally and physically it was just TOO much.
I would trust your husband's instincts on it, as well. What does he think?
I must say my kids were absolutely devastated at the first one, and one particular child having difficulties crying out in the middle of the night wanting God to put the baby back for a day or two. (I don't think you can avoid this pain, nor do you want to, per se. They learn valuable lessons and build character during these times. We just told the little ones who didn't understand something like: God wanted the baby with Him and He makes us, so He knows best, and......this little life just had a short "mission" here on earth in God's plan.....and: we will see him or her someday again, so it should motivate us to get to Heaven!) But with the second one, they were just quiet, and more resigned. They seemed more concerned for me. They truly seemed to be more capable of processing it after going through the reality once before.
I will pray for you all.
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Willa
Forum All-Star
Joined: Jan 28 2005
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 3881
|
| Posted: Dec 30 2009 at 11:53pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Bookswithtea wrote:
JodieLyn wrote:
| Some simply choose their back yard. |
|
|
I have a friend who did this. She has a small Mary garden in their yard, with a lovely angel statue that overlooks where she buried her two miscarried children. She was able to find a priest to bless the little garden as well. I think its really beautiful.
That said, this is definitely a touchy issue. She received a lot of criticism from other Catholic moms and one priest who really felt strongly they should be buried only in a Catholic cemetery, so you might not want to be too vocal about this choice. .02 |
|
|
In our case it was the opposite -- we couldn't get the babies (twins) buried in a Catholic cemetery though they were 16 weeks along plus. The hospital wanted to incinerate them (I had to be induced since I didn't go into labor naturally and it was over three weeks). We got someone to agree to let us bring them out.
They are in our back yard. My husband made a small casket and then enclosed it in cement and attached a St Francis statue on top. That is so that if we ever move to a different location we will not have to leave them there, and also, since we live in a forest, so that they would be protected from being dug up by wild animals. I feel like this is a lot of detail but I wanted to share how we did it in case it helps others. We also were fortunate to get a priest to come and bless the site. My kids would put flowers and little treasures there.
__________________
AMDG
Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
12stars
Forum Pro
Joined: April 25 2008
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: Dec 31 2009 at 12:31am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Thank you all for your words of encouragemen, you don't know how precious they are right now 
The waiting and unknown is very hard.
I have moments when all is well and I am fine emotionally and other moments that are just so painful. It is so amazing how such a experience can put so so much into perspective.
I think if I could get away with a intact baby and a D&C I would opt for that, but then like everyone has said it is so personal and painful that I also want to be home and do what is best for the baby.
__________________
Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Kristie 4
Forum All-Star
Joined: June 20 2006
Location: Canada
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1508
|
| Posted: Dec 31 2009 at 8:26am | IP Logged
|
|
|
My prayers for you. It is such a difficult time. You are so blessed to have this support- when I miscarried women who had miscarried came out of the wood work and supported me. We couldn't bring home the baby's remains (the child had died weeks before the doctor's new) and that was very difficult for us...
__________________
Kristie in Canada
Mom to 3 boys and one spunky princess!!
A Walk in the Woods
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
kbaldwin
Forum Rookie
Joined: May 24 2008
Location: Maryland
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 67
|
| Posted: Jan 01 2010 at 7:32pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
I am so sorry I will be praying for you
__________________
Christ's Peace, Kim wife to one great guy mom to 8 terrific kids Patrick,16/Daniel.12/Timothy,9/Brigid,7/Anthony,5/Connor,4/V incent,2/Alexander,7 months
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JennGM
Forum Moderator
Joined: Feb 07 2005
Location: Virginia
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 17702
|
| Posted: Jan 01 2010 at 9:18pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, I'm so sorry.
I've experienced two miscarriages, and for one I had a D&C and very glad I did.
Now, for 12 weeks, my SIL recently experienced this at this stage. This is so much farther along. Has the doctor given an option to induce, let you deliver in the hospital? That is what they did, and they were able to hold him in their hands after delivery.
For them it was such a better option than waiting and going through the bleeding. For many of my relatives, doing it naturally ended up having to go to the doctor for complications and needing supplements because of anemia.
I'll pray that you can decide what is best for you and for peace in this loss.
__________________
Jennifer G. Miller
Wife to  & ds1  '03 & ds2  '07
Family in Feast and Feria
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
4 lads mom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Sept 26 2006
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1944
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 8:49am | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, I am so sorry for your loss, it is so difficult. I lost a baby at 8 weeks and 18 weeks. The 18 week baby had been gone for a few weeks, we found out about it on a routine u/s. We were utterly devastated. I chose to be induced, I had three very little guys at home, a few with health issues, and I needed a bit of control over the situation. The induction went fine, the birth was not difficult, but oh.... many tears shed when we held our little Benjamin. The hospital took pictures for us, (very important, I felt), and gave us a little box with the pictures and a tiny blanket someone had crocheted. I cherish those things now. We were fortunate to have a burial at Catholic Cemetery, I think close to 80 people, mostly other homeschooling families, attended his burial. It was bittersweet....Physically, I did okay, took a few weeks to recoup, didn’t help that we were in the middle of finding a house, had just sold ours a few days before this all happened, and had to leave in just a few weeks....it was truly the Grace of God that carried us through such trying times.
I found I grieved at “strange” times, like getting everyone in the van, and looking back and feeling someone was missing....that was such a hard emotion to go through.....that hung on for a while and was unsettling to me, but I know it is normal. We got little Christmas ornaments with our little guys’ names on them.....it always makes me feel like they are included.
I will echo what everyone else has said, losing a child makes Heaven all the more real....and spurs us on to obtain what we were sent here to do in the first place. I feel deep peace knowing that some of my children, in their innocence, are in the presence of the Beatific Vision....exactly where I want all of my children to be one day, That peace goes a long way, eventually with time, in filling your arms.
God Bless you, dear Claudia..I’ll be praying!!!
__________________
Mom of four brave lads and one sweet lassie
Scenes From This and That
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Lisbet
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 07 2006
Location: Michigan
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2706
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 9:54am | IP Logged
|
|
|
At mass, the 'veil of eternity' is opened - so I know that each time approach the communion rail - Mary Rose is there with me!! Sweet Consolation!
I am so saddened that so many of us have been through this.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
LLMom
Forum All-Star
Joined: Feb 19 2005
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 995
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 12:03pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia,
I am so sorry. I have been through this 5 times, all around 11-12 weeks. It is hard. I have had one D & C (emergency) because I like Lisa, was passing huge clots and passing out. Because it was an emergency D & C, they didn't put me to sleep; I was awake the whole time with only a numbing of the cervix. So, that, along with my homebirth experiences led me to try to have all of my other miscarriages at home (that one was #2), which I was able to do. There are signs to look for to know when things aren't progressing as they should. I don't remember all of them off the top of my head, but big clots and passing out are warning signs! As I was miscarrying, I was in constant contact with my midwife, telling her what was going on so she could help me assess the situation. And it did take me a long time to pass the baby for most of them. The waiting is terrible, but try to know that your little one is still nestled under your heart during this time. SO sorry.
__________________
Lisa
For veteran & former homeschool moms
homeschooling ideas
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
12stars
Forum Pro
Joined: April 25 2008
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 372
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 1:14pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
LLMom wrote:
Claudia,
I am so sorry. I have been through this 5 times, all around 11-12 weeks. It is hard. I have had one D & C (emergency) because I like Lisa, was passing huge clots and passing out. Because it was an emergency D & C, they didn't put me to sleep; I was awake the whole time with only a numbing of the cervix. So, that, along with my homebirth experiences led me to try to have all of my other miscarriages at home (that one was #2), which I was able to do. There are signs to look for to know when things aren't progressing as they should. I don't remember all of them off the top of my head, but big clots and passing out are warning signs! As I was miscarrying, I was in constant contact with my midwife, telling her what was going on so she could help me assess the situation. And it did take me a long time to pass the baby for most of them. The waiting is terrible, but try to know that your little one is still nestled under your heart during this time. SO sorry. |
|
|
I am not sure what is happening or why it is taking so long. The only thing that I keep thinking of is what the Doctor told me that because I am farther along after the 6-8 week mark, that the placenta is really attached to the uterus. But yes I do find much comfort in knowing that my little one is with me and warm. I have a thing for children being cold.
My emotions are a rollercoaster yesterday I was just paralyzed with ups and downs.
But this is what has strengthened me:
I will echo what everyone else has said, losing a child makes Heaven all the more real....and spurs us on to obtain what we were sent here to do in the first place. I feel deep peace knowing that some of my children, in their innocence, are in the presence of the Beatific Vision....exactly where I want all of my children to be one day, That peace goes a long way, eventually with time, in filling your arms.
Somehow this is something that our Lord has given me knowledge of as well. That is very comforting to me. I am saddend to think of women that have no idea, that this is going on with their little Saints.
But yes I can totally relate to this as well:
I found I grieved at “strange” times, like getting everyone in the van, and looking back and feeling someone was missing....that was such a hard emotion to go through.....that hung on for a while and was unsettling to me, but I know it is normal. We got little Christmas ornaments with our little guys’ names on them.....it always makes me feel like they are included.
Because this all so new those strange times well do come at strange times. I have not been able to go to mass because I feel like a vulnerable heap of sobbing messand I amnot sure if I will be able to get through mass. But I will try to go today and get to confession as well.
Thank you all for your concern and replies, I know I am not alone in this sorrow.
I am so sorry for all that have lost precious little ones also.
__________________
Claudia in Southern California
Wife to George,
Mom to DD 14, DD 10, DD 7, DS 4, DS 2, 1 in heaven, and now due 5/11.
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
JodieLyn
Forum Moderator
Joined: Sept 06 2006
Location: Oregon
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 12234
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 1:20pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
Claudia, it does take time.. it takes time for your body to adjust etc. Many women don't know until further along but it's not unusual at all to find that the baby stopped growing a couple of weeks before you have any indication that there's something wrong. Your time of waiting was elongated because you found out so early that the baby was with God. So there may be nothing wrong at all, it just does take time.
__________________
Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
Nina Murphy
Forum All-Star
Joined: May 18 2006
Location: California
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 1546
|
| Posted: Jan 02 2010 at 6:07pm | IP Logged
|
|
|
JodieLyn wrote:
| Claudia, it does take time.. it takes time for your body to adjust etc. Many women don't know until further along but it's not unusual at all to find that the baby stopped growing a couple of weeks before you have any indication that there's something wrong. Your time of waiting was elongated because you found out so early that the baby was with God. So there may be nothing wrong at all, it just does take time. |
|
|
Yes, I've had to wait a week or two each time. I know women who chose to deliver naturally (who were farther along) who have waited.....yes: MONTHS. Now I don't think `I could do that. I'd become paranoid about toxicity and just long for "closure". It's not in my temperament.
Every one of us is different. Listen to your body, your heart, your husband, your doctor, your most trusted ones. It'll be OK regardless, don't WORRY about it. You have very little control. God knows.
__________________
God bless,
~~Nina
mother of 9 on earth,
and 2 yet-to-be-met
|
| Back to Top |
|
| |
|
|
Forum Locked) 
4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: I have never been through this before
