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esperanza
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| Posted: Jan 31 2006 at 10:30am | IP Logged
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Quote:
| mumofsix "But the thought that my path is to greet each misdemeanour or disappointment, one by one, with as much calmness and love as I can muster, simply picking myself up and starting again if I fail and trusting in God's mercy to bless each pathetic effort I make, fills me with hope, while a promise to myself NEVER to show anger again would stoke the fires of my wretched perfectionism and leave me vulnerable to feelings of hopelessness next time my son does or says something bad. That sort of hopelessness would feed my anger actually, as I would be tempted to throw up my hands in despair." |
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Jane, I am with you on this. I need to pull out
I Believe in Love This book gave me hope when I was so entrenched in sorrow and confusion with one of my teens.
I was attracted to Christlike Discipline
I am struggling with sharing these thoughts with my dh. My ds needs his father's input as he doesn't think much of mine lately 
I am exhausted lately trying to work together with my 14 ds and struggle so much dealing with contention that I am at a loss as to how to discipline..my dh and I have very different views and I truly struggle with this.
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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esperanza
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| Posted: Jan 31 2006 at 10:50am | IP Logged
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Elizabeth wrote:
Kim posted the following on CCM:
<
I am not convinced we can always know which of our kids has made that transition either. Some who appear to be most compliant are stewing inside and others who are most vocal could be on the brink of greatness. God is the only one who can read their hearts.
To me, this is what is meant by the scripture we are saved by childbirth. Its not the physical act of birthing but what children demand of us as we raise them, how we are brought to our knees over and over humbly admitting this is beyond our contol and offering all the trials and challenges to the Lord.
Its an Abraham thing. He gives us these children but ultimately they are His and we do so much better when we recognize that and offer them back to Him. He offered His own children free will and we have taken Him up on that. It hasnt always been pretty, but the loving kindness of our Father and Blessed Mother are irresistable to most of us. Hopefully that same firm but gentle, unshakable love will be what compels our own children to share our faith and walk that walk.
Kim
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This post brought tears to my eyes..because it has been so heavy on my heart at times.Watching my two oldest I have felt these thoughts so many times the past few years. I have thought about the parable of the two sons. I have dealt with some weighty issues here.
This thread caught my attention because of lesser rebellion in my 3rd dc. Thankfully I can appreciate he has better attachment... My two oldest have attachment issues...especially my 2nd dd...and with her I can relate to the Abraham example.
Thanks for sharing this Elizabeth.
This Forum helps nourish this mother's heart more than you all can imagine 
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In His Peace,
Tammy Gonzalez in VA
dh-Johnny
mom to Tara-'85, Noelle-'88, Jeremy-'91, Elizabeth-'93, Emma-'96, Dominic-'99, Gabriel-'01, Elijah-03
and Jacinta-06
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Kim F
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| Posted: Jan 31 2006 at 12:21pm | IP Logged
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Sorry for the cross post to CCM. Guess we are moving this over here. I have such a hard time getting to the board!
Been gelling another thought - I think motive is a huge consideration in all this. I was remembering what we read when I tried to follow my son along reading The Inferno. Dante put souls who been impulsive or tempted by the flesh at a higher rung of hell than those who had premeditated sins.
Applying this to our teens it seems like some people are rebellious and their actions are reactions against someone or something else. They may well have anger or resentment issues and are making a conscious move to reject their heritage. Others who screw up may not be dealing with true rebellion in that sense but rather are struggling with willpower and temptation issues. To me there is a big difference in the two and I suspect more kids fall into the latter category. Not that sins of the flesh or temptation don't land souls in hell. It does! But I think the chances of recovery and repentance are far greater for that type of kid.
Kim
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ALmom
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This has been interesting reading and some really good insights so I hesitate to add anything as I only have 2 teens (18 yo and 14 yo). I thought I'd share a few ramblings for whatever it is worth.
I remember a quote from one of the saints (I think) - my memory isn't what it used to be. Anyways as best I recall it was "We have to work like everything depends on us and pray like everything depends on God".
Sometimes I forget one side or the other - trying to work alone (and then I and dc and dh suffer) or get lazy or forget to be the parent my children need me to be and the wife my husband needs me to be (again, everyone suffers). Virtue does build on nature so we do have to make the effort - but God's grace will provide for our deficiencies if we ask. After a major blunder with dc, I often find myself crying to Mary to fill in all the gaps for me. I struggle a lot with perfectionism (and when I get discouraged, I tend to extreme laziness) so it helps me to remember this aspect.
The other thought that rambled through my mind was - Yes, we have to do the best we can to be the best parent we can. We love, communicate, set limits, provide guidance, admit fault, model as best we are able, learn, read, study our dc, pray, etc. ,etc. BUT we cannot beat ourselves up for our failures. Everyone of us (parent and children) are tainted by the effects of original sin in some way or another. None of us had perfect parents - as adults it is rarely helpful to think about all the wrong things our parents did - God provides grace to us all so at some point I do have to take ownership of my own sins and repent and move on. My children will have to do the same. There are saints from the best family situations and also from the worst - our family is probably somewhere in the general average. Hopefully, I've learned from my parent's mistakes - I'll make different ones, perhaps - but I'm sure I'll do things that hurt the dc. As I recognize these, I admit it and ask forgiveness of God and the dc - try to do what I can to unravel the damage - BUT both I and the dc have to move on.
The other thing that rambled through my head as I read a few ponderings in line with not being able to totally read souls. Some sins are more hidden than others - and as such harder to address because embarrassment doesn't bring them into the open. We pray for God's guidance everyday and ask our dc guardian angels and ours to help us understand the heart and do what is best for our family.
Another thought came to mind. When I was wrapped up in worry about one of my dc, a very kind and helpful priest cautioned me to really pray. He asked me the question - if the devil is going after souls, which souls will he attack the hardest? One of the reasons that we should pray for our priests - the devil will attack them with ferocity because bringing down one priest will bring down countless souls. Sometimes it is helpful to remember that some of our dc that are being so sorely tested may really be called to great things and require greater prayer simply because they will be more severely attacked.
Janet
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mumofsix
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Answering Kim's question concerning having a child with disabilities: yes it is very, very helpful. What is this anxiety about really, but the desire to help our children attain their eternal salvation? That is the bottom line.
I have one son who is guaranteed Heaven: I cannot tell you how RESTFUL that is! (He has Down's Sydrome, is aged 23, my first child. He has not nor ever will attain "the age of reason" and when he dies we will be wearing not black but white.) I also believe that his sufferings are radically helpful to the other sinful members of this family: they are reparative in a profound way.
It helps me too, when I stop to think about it, to reflect that just as my ds 23 cannot help being as disabled as he is, and we accept him completely as he is since it would be foolish and a waste of time to do otherwise - and besides we like him the way he is -so too we should accept our other children the way they are, with all their weaknesses.
To give one example, my ds 18 is very bright, but dyslexic. I have expended a great deal of emotional energy on trying to get him to be more academic. I believed that he had a brain and should jolly well use it. I'm not so sure now. He may be happier doing something more practical and vocational, where cleverness also counts but qualities of character count too. It helps that there are three budding academics following on behind ...  (Dd 9 and ds 4 BEG for "more work Mum".) Yes, acceptance is key and a disabled child will teach you that if you let him.
Jane.
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Helen
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Jane, there are many times I have come home from listening to Father and wanted to run!  My daughter said "oh why? I love him. He's so nice. "
The Salesians of Don Bosco have their special charism. Everyone is familiar with the Franciscan charism of poverty, Mother Teresa's order of dedication to the "poorest of the poor", the Carmelites to a hidden life of contemplation. But not everyone knows the charism of the Salesians. It is purity. I think this also sheds light on St. John Bosco's success with youth. Even today, one cannot enter the Salesians if he/she has sullied the virtue of purity by serious sin.
Father said once:
"Even a good person, it would take him three days to rid his house of impurity."
When I came home from this meeting, I took a look around my house. What is he talking about- 3 days? Well, all that mail that streams in everyday. Can I really call those catalogues pure? Do I throw them out immediately? Do they sit around collecting dust? What about my subscription to that nice gardening and craft magazine - Does the yogurt ad need to use a model dressed only in yogurt lids? or the shower faucet ad? I cancelled my subscription. What about my music cabinet? my video cabinet? my clothes closet? my bookshelves?
St. John Bosco was considered an angel of purity. I think in today's world this is an overlooked virtue. Another quote from Father. He quotes St. Alphonsus di Liguori who says There isn't a person in hell who hasn't violated the 6th or 9th commandment. This principle is demonstrated daily in our 'culture of death.' The sin of impurity leads to murder.
More from St. John Bosco on his feast day:
“To save your soul,” this was the first thought he implanted in the mind of every boy who came to the Oratory. He cultivated that thought every day by including in the daily prayers which the boys said together the ejaculation “Dear Mother Mary ever Vigin, help me to save my soul,” which was recited three times and each time followed by a Hail Mary. His frequent words of admonition, which he would “whisper into the ears” of the boys according to their needs, usually, bore the same stamp. “Become good, and we shall be in Paradise togerher”; “Try to make a good confession and you will have great joy”; “Be cheerful, one day we shall be together with the Lord!” These words, like the two mottoes in his room, “Give me souls, take all the rest, “ and “Only one thing is necessary, to save one’s soul,” were so many sparks revealing his great thirst for the salvation of souls.”
Edna Phelan, Don Bosco A Spiritual Portrait, 114.
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Helen
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St. John Bosco said:
“To find comfort for my poor heart, I went before her wonderful altar and I promised her that on returning to Turin I would do al I could to instill devotion to her in your hearts. And, recommending myself to her, I asked these special graces for you. –Mary, I said, bless our whole house, keep even the shadow of sin from the hearts of our boys, be the guide of our students, be for them the Seat of Wisdom. May they all be yours, always yours, and look upon them always as your children and keep them as your devoted sons for ever.—I believe that the Blessed Virgin will hear me and I hope that you will assist me so that we may all correspond to the voice of Mary and the grace of Our Lord.”
Edna Phelan, Don Bosco A Spiritual Portrait,123.
Finally, St. John Bosco was totally devoted to the Blessed Virgin Mary and he entrusted all of his boys to her maternal care. Since Our Lady is our sweetness and our hope, she makes the practice of virtue easy (a spoonful of sugar...) The simplest, shortest, gentlest way to begin or increase your spiritual practices is to bring Our Lady into your life, a little bit at a time. Mary Vitamin is a daily, short spiritual reading, very much in keeping with St. John's resolution. You may want to try it, or have your teenagers try it, or both of you try it.
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Ave Maria!
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Angie Mc
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mumofsix wrote:
It helps me too, when I stop to think about it, to reflect that just as my ds 23 cannot help being as disabled as he is, and we accept him completely as he is since it would be foolish and a waste of time to do otherwise - and besides we like him the way he is -so too we should accept our other children the way they are, with all their weaknesses.
Jane. |
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This is what Christ does for us!
I had this thought...St. John Bosco (I'm assuming) and Christ himself had close relationships with human beings who chose to reject them. For some reason, this thought reassured me. Yes, I will do all I can to love my children to God and to connect them to their earthly family. Beyond this, I need to take a huge leap of faith and place my trust in God...and not keep trying to control what isn't mine, but rather is His.
When I write this, it seems silly. Obviously God is completely trustworthy...why do I make this so hard?
Love,
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Angie Mc
Maimeo to Henry! Dave's wife, mom to Mrs. Devin+Michael Pope, Aiden 20,Ian 17,John Paul 11,Catherine (heaven 6/07)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Teenage rebellion.
