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stefoodie
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 8:24am | IP Logged
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Erin, glad you mentioned this. In the dating/courtship books by Jason Evert and by Josh Harris they talk about how dating has changed over the years and that it was the automobile that changed it. Young people are more independently mobile now than they were years ago. I was going to mention that even in my Mom's courtship time she "dated" but it was more a benign dating and not how dating is viewed now by most people. What we have now in America is recreational dating, or as one boy we know put it, their concept is "Let's just have fun and see where it takes us."  In the more traditional families, dating/courtship is almost always seen as leading towards marriage and permanence.
One aspect I've failed to mention is spirituality. In our family we expect any potential spouse to attend Mass with us, etc. if his parents will allow him (in my case I was 19 and dh was 25 and he didn't need permission). Same thing for girls. They are invited to family Rosaries, family parties (not often but sometimes in celebration of a saint's or Marian feastday) -- there's usually a familial and spiritual aspect built in to the relationship, even early on. I think that helps a lot to cement the seriousness of it. It's not just a casual thing.
A friend of a friend (American) did things this way to "weed out" her child's would-be girlfriends. They would invite the girl to family dinners, acted like she was already part of the family (let her wash dishes and help with cooking, etc.), actually TOLD her that since they wanted to be bf-gf that they wanted her to get to know the family as much as possible in preparation for marriage. So far, her method has been successful.
Betsy wrote:
does anyone discuss/encourage/recommend to their dating children that when they get married they should be ready for children either immediately or say with in a year (not to presume that this is always possible)?
I believe I remember Kimberly Hahn talk about this a LONG time ago. Basically saying that if you want to get married you better be ready for kids vs. we are going to get married and live without kids for a time(say 3-6years) to get to know each other/pay down debt/start new job/etc. |
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Yes, we've covered this with our dd. This is the most difficult part really. A lot of people assume that we're being strict with our dd because we don't want her to get married young. That's not the case at all. We don't have any objections to her getting married young, but it's also true that most people she's met aren't ready to make that leap yet, and are still quite focused on the success equation -- finish college, then grad school, find a job, save up for a car and house, etc. and THEN get married, and wait for a few years to have kids, when they're "more stable". Most of the parents we know are also of this mentality.
I think a lot of it goes back to the pro-life issue. Because of the contraception mentality permeating most of society, it's difficult to de-program oneself or one's children and say it's okay to do things differently if you are called to do so. You don't have to follow this or that model -- what you need to do is figure out what God wants for YOU, even if that means going against the grain.
One more thing and then I'll shut up about this  -- Consecration to the Blessed Virgin is so, so important I believe esp. these days. My dd 18 was consecrated last year and I credit that for the many graces she has/we have been given so far with regards to courtship/dating. Clarity of mind, of purpose, a commitment to purity, etc. My mom and I both owe a lot to Mama Mary's intercession in our marriages. I'm hoping and praying she'll do the same for all our children.
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stef
mom to five
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Mackfam
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 8:36am | IP Logged
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stefoodie wrote:
One aspect I've failed to mention is spirituality. In our family we expect any potential spouse to attend Mass with us, etc. if his parents will allow him (in my case I was 19 and dh was 25 and he didn't need permission). Same thing for girls. They are invited to family Rosaries, family parties (not often but sometimes in celebration of a saint's or Marian feastday) -- there's usually a familial and spiritual aspect built in to the relationship, even early on. I think that helps a lot to cement the seriousness of it. It's not just a casual thing.
A friend of a friend (American) did things this way to "weed out" her child's would-be girlfriends. They would invited the girl to family dinners, acted like she was already part of the family (let her wash dishes and help with cooking, etc.), actually TOLD her that since they wanted to be bf-gf that they wanted her to get to know the family as much as possible in preparation for marriage. So far, her method has been successful.
<snip>
One more thing and then I'll shut up about this -- Consecration to the Blessed Virgin is so, so important I believe esp. these days. My dd 18 was consecrated last year and I credit that for the many graces she has/we have been given so far with regards to courtship/dating. Clarity of mind, of purpose, a commitment to purity, etc. My mom and I both owe a lot to Mama Mary's intercession in our marriages. I'm hoping and praying she'll do the same for all our children. |
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Stef,
These are lovely thoughts and I'm filing them away!!! I so enjoy listening to all your thoughts on this subject as it is on my mind more and more! Thank you all for sharing so generously! 
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Jen Mackintosh
Wife to Rob, mom to dd 19 , ds 16, ds 11, dd 8, and dd 3
Wildflowers and Marbles
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Bookswithtea
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| Posted: July 27 2009 at 9:41am | IP Logged
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stefoodie wrote:
One more thing and then I'll shut up about this |
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Please don't? I'm really enjoying your thoughts...
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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stefoodie
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| Posted: Aug 30 2010 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
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just saw an article that might be a nice little addition to this thread
The Family Dynamics of Dating Dilemmas
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stef
mom to five
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: courtship revisited
