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jackiemomof7
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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 4:34am | IP Logged Quote jackiemomof7

Hi Ladies,

I was just wondering if any of you have started to have your nest empty. My oldest left for Germany in October to serve in the army for 3 years there. And early this morning my 2 oldest left for Minneapolis to attend Le Cordon Bleu school. I still have 5 here at home and to many that would be a full nest, but I have got the empty nest blues awfully bad right now. The 2 oldest (22 and 20) have not lived at home for a few years they got an apartment about 40 min. from us and went to the local community college. So they were close and my blues weren't to bad. I have noticed though that I am not doing the schooling that I need to with my other 5 in fact for the past year and half I have really not put much effort into it. I finally sat down and thought it through and realized that I thought if I didn't do school, maybe they wouldn't grow up. Maybe I could make time stand still. KWIM? So my husband and I sat down and talked (he is a GEM!) and I am trying to get back on track. But now with the recent leaving of my 2 child, my 3rd one will graduate this year, she is going to the Carmelites in Neb. the last weekend of this month to find out if that is where she is calling to be. Now this is my first dd and she is my right hand if she leaves me soon I don't know how I will respond.

So anyone else going through this? My heart is aching and my mind is numb. I am trying to turn my prayers more towards this, but sometimes..... I just don't know.

Thanks for listening....

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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 7:13am | IP Logged Quote Bridget

Dear Jackie, I'm not anywhere close to having kids leave, but when it does happen I'm going to feel just as you do. I'm dreading it.

Hang in there! I'll pray for you!

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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 11:54am | IP Logged Quote Meredith

Jackie, ditto what Bridget said. Our Lady of Perpetual Help, pray for us!

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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 5:46pm | IP Logged Quote momwise

Jackie....my oldest ds practically made my house run. It's been a while since both my 19 and 24 y.o.ds left so I'm not feeling it so acutely right now. Now the thought of dd leaving next summer...I'm with you there. My dd is my right hand woman and second mother to the children and just a pleasure to be around. I can't even think about it.

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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 5:50pm | IP Logged Quote Leonie

I think this is not often talked about in homeschooling circles - we are afraid of sounding too over prortective or clingy or too dependent on our kids.

But it exists.

My dh was transferred interstate last year and we left in March, the older three sons ( university and jobs) staying behind.

Having them here for the holidays now is bittersweet.

The way I get through it is prayer and acceptance of the seasons of life. And I am still connected to my older kids lives, albeit long distance, while having a responsibility for the younger four who are still at home and hoemschooling.

Balance and seasons.

Richard and Linda Eyre have a book on this topic - I haven't read it but I like several of their other books so I am sure it is good. They are parents of nine.



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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 5:59pm | IP Logged Quote Elizabeth

I have the book Leonie. Empty Nest Parenting Of all their books, it's the one where Mormon doctrine is most obvious. Still, if you pick around it, the book is a decent read and it's good insight into the stage of life for those of us who have never been there. It's also good for people whose only experience is with their own parents and that experience isn't one to look forward to repeating.

When I first saw this thread this morning, it brought to mind a conversation I had with Bridget a couple of weeks ago. I was talking about how hard it is to acknowledge that my baby days are over, just as I'm about to face my first one leaving home.She commented that part of the reason that this is tough is that it's talked about so infrequently in the circles of support on which we rely. Part of that is that very few of us are there. And I guess part of it is the reasons Leonie cited above. But we need to keep talking because we're all in this together and we're all going to empty our nests...


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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 10:34pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

Jackie,
Hang in there, dear.
There's something grand about having children spaced out from the young adult years to the toddler years. As the older ones are moving out, there are still the littles, and when the littles move out, there's the grandkids.

Our homes will always be full with new sons/daughters-in-laws, new grandbabies. I don't see the kitchen traffic ending at all.

The other day my 18 yr old asked me if he got married after getting his degree, if he and his wife could just live in the one bedroom cabin behind our house and save their money to build a house. Sure, honey.

My oldest dd plans to stay here through college as well. I'm glad because I really think college campus is no longer the best place for young adults.

I'm not harboring promotion of allowing our dc to live in our homes forever and eat our food without giving anything in return. That would be unresponsible parenting. We're suppose to teach our children how to fish, not hand them a fish to eat. I truly want to liberate my dc not to bum off the system, which includes their own family.

But I'm all for helping our children if they are furthering their education or working and saving up. And when you have enough children with enough age span, there is always someone coming through the doors...plus extra.

I see my older two growing up and getting married and having babies. And my two younger girls will still be young and living at home to enjoy their nieces and nephews (my grandchildren) with me. The thought of all that creative floortime that Willa has sent info on is just getting me warmed up.   

I especially love having daughters because there are always plans for shopping and cooking together.

I truly understand where this thread is coming from. I've had the same weepy moments, but I think it's more about having to let go of my own feelings for my diminishing youth and my lost fertility; and opening the door joyfully to the next generation of fertile mommies and youthful babies.

It's a natural feeling. It's a part of who we are. There's a sadness over facing our own immortality; but it should not take away from that joy that (was it Willa?) wrote about on another thread. I have no idea where to find that post, but I can focus on the remembrance of the post and keep my thoughts on the goal: Take Joy! I'm thankful for every year I get to be here with my earthly family. More importantly, I want to enjoy it with them, not sit back with regrets or sadness. Regrets are the one thing in life that takes away from the joy of living.

Am I living in an idealized world? I don't think so. I'm cultivating the ideal already. This weekend I'm down to 2 girls. Everyone else had places to go/things to do. The 3 of us got home from shopping only to find daddy had a new dryer box for the 4 yr old to play house in.    We just finished drawing flowers and fixtures on it with crayons.

Tomorrow we've made plans to go to Subway and head for our favorite campground that we heard was completely destroyed by Rita. We might go to the movies. Who knows what we'll do. We have the whole day to enjoy one another!

And, you know what, if, for some reason, my girls decide they need ol' mom to stay home with the future grandbabies while they all go shopping and eating out, I will more than gladly get out that collection of illustrated classics I'm hording now, nestle up on the sofa with the next generation of sweet babies God has entrusted to me, and I'll enjoy them even more.

Perhaps we'll go in the kitchen and bake and bake and bake. And I'll let them roll the dough and puff flour on my face and eat all the cookies before their moms get back to pick them up. And I'll still be drawing hot pink flowers and making magenta picture frames for those grandchildren just as I do with my own.

I'm in training right now. The best is yet to come.


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Posted: Jan 06 2006 at 11:06pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

Jackie,
For some reason after I post I always feel I've written the wrong thing.

I truly sympathize with you. My oldest is 18 so I'm on the footstep of facing these transitions as well. Last year he spoke of entering the service at the same time a friend of his did. His friend's mother is a hsing friend of mine. She turned 40 last year (I turn 40 this April ) and she was (is) having a hard time. Her son is the oldest of 6. She also had to have a hystorectomy (sp?) after he left. So there were lots of feelings and emotions there. There were also lots of hormonal issues as well. and that's always very difficult to process. She spoke to me alittle about her feelings but I sensed that it was too painful for her to really share outright.

I don't know how I'll feel in six years when my oldest ds is done with community college and my oldest dd is done with the local college. If they leave, I'm sure I'll feel that void as well; the one you're feeling. I've heard it said that, though spoken with well intentions, mothers facing empty-nests would rather nothing be said if you have not walked that road yet. THus my regret for my first post.

I'm trying to get my mind focused now...while I can...and develop a prayerful relationship with God at home. Each year I grow more and more content to just be home. If God calls all my dc to move away from here, I hope my relationship with God is such that I can release them with joy and cling to Him with joy.

I'm trying anyway, because I know that it may come, but the void that one child leaves is impossible to fill.

I just wanted to say that, though I'm on the doorstep, I'm not in the difficult postion you are in with having 3 leave at once. And that first dd leaving and being your right hand person at that!!! oh, that will bring me to my knees quick, I know.

I am sympathetic and will keep you in my prayers. I know it's hard, and can only suggest that we Take Joy! in each moment, each day.


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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 5:39am | IP Logged Quote Elizabeth

Dear Cay,
Please don't regret your first post. It was lovely. And though neither of us is where Jackie is (and I'm hanging on to hear how that is), we're both in the same place. Our dear sons are exactly a year apart and you and I are just a few months apart. So, I benefitted tremendously from reading your vision. I wish I'd read it three years ago. I don't think I realized then how quickly a woman can move from postpartum to pre/perimenopause .

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 6:41am | IP Logged Quote Elizabeth

Another thought:

As I was folding a million loads of laundry this morning, I was thinking about Cay's post and about Jackie's and Leonie's. Part of the pain, I think, is that Jackie and Leonie have their older children leaving the immediate area. I don't think it would be nearly so hard to cope with them out of the house if they came to visit frequently, particularly if they had our grandchildren in tow. But, we are an increasingly mobile society (she writes as her golden-haired boy looks at colleges in Kentucky and California). Cay has every reason to believe that her vision will be pretty close to what she gets. But Jackie's reality is that her oldest three will be out of state, even out of the country.I think it's more likely that my oldest will ultimately end up at the college that is really the closest one to us. Not because it's the closest; it's all about the soccer, much to my chagrin . But then what? It's a great big world...

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 7:05am | IP Logged Quote Willa

Jackie,

My oldest is going back to college this Sunday. At least he's in the same state there, but he's over 200 miles away.... it isn't on the scale of your empty-nesting, yet, but I do feel a bit of that pain. I know it's healthy for him to be managing his own life and I am proud of what he is doing, but it hurts, it hurts. I was not prepared for how much, when he first left, this summer.

I think the mobile society is part of the empty-nesting pain as Elizabeth said. I've only seen my parents once or twice a year since I married. They live so far away.   In the old days, they would be here near us -- and there would be every likelihood of all my young ones raising their families right near our doorstep. Not anymore.

Cay, I liked your positive post and don't think you should regret..... I loved that vision of you surrounded by grandbabies, and flour, and magenta crayons.   I want my kids to know, too, that they're not tied to any apron-strings, but that they and theirs are part of my life forever whether they live close or far.

How I hope we can keep track of each other as we get older, so we can see how we all do homeschool grandparenting and empty-nesting!   I am sure there is a role for us, there, too.

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 3:41pm | IP Logged Quote jackiemomof7

Thanks ladies! I was scared to bring this topic up because it is not discussed much, kind of like that silent no-no. I am proud of my kids that they felt they could go that far from home. They call often but it is still so very hard. I was only 20 when I had my first one and 18 months later my 2nd, so I kinda feel like we grew up together. Then to homeschool them (after they attend catholic school for 3 years, don't ask!) brought us even more closer we had to learn together how to do it and make it work. There are no other homeschoolers around us (closest group is about 40 miles away, that my younger ones now go to once a month) so we had to be with each other 24 / 7. I loved talking to them we had such great conversations (okay I am crying as I write this). I am close to all my children but something about them was alittle closer,can't explain. I hope you all don't mind me sharing my thoughts here, like I said no one else close by to talk to. My husband has been wonderful we are trying to spend more time together finding us as we realize that in 10 years they will all be gone. Dad feel the empty nest too just not the same as mom, bless their hearts....

Thanks again for the support, maybe we need a board for the 40 and over crowd

P.S. I am glad my daughter is thinking of joining the Carmelites. But if she goes, I will never be able to hug her again. She is my shopping and cooking buddy. Is it wrong to be so close to your children. I am not stopping them, don't get me wrong they are not aware of my feelings, I put the mommy sunshine face on and let them fly....

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 7:42pm | IP Logged Quote Leonie

Elizabeth wrote:
Another thought:
As I was folding a million loads of laundry this morning, I was thinking about Cay's post and about Jackie's and Leonie's. Part of the pain, I think, is that Jackie and Leonie have their older children leaving the immediate area. I don't think it would be nearly so hard to cope with them out of the house if they came to visit frequently, particularly if they had our grandchildren in tow. But, we are an increasingly mobile society ...


Yes, that is it.

It is not so much about leaving home as it is about being far away.

Maybe I will have to continue to parent and then to grandparent long distance. Maybe I won't get the chance to pop over to see my older dc and their future families or to discuss day to day life, or to babysit, or do any of the small things Cay mentions, except for long distance and ocasional visits.

That is the way it is now, even with email and blogs and mobile phones. It is not the same, when older dc live far away.

Yes, we still connect and have joy but its not the same. Its not only about the empty nest - its about the distance.

I know God is with us on this journey - but it is still a journey.

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 8:49pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

Elizabeth wrote:

...we are an increasingly mobile society ...


Leonie wrote:
Yes, that is it.
It is not so much about leaving home as it is about beign far away.



That's where I caught myself once I posted. I realized that what Jackie was talking about was not just children moving out of the house to live across town. She was talking about across the globe.

So I felt like I had not addressed her post with sensitivity.

Perhaps it's a Cajun thing but families often stay here and live geographically close. If one does leave, it is not an easy move and, many times, they come back home. And it's not because of hurricanes and mosquitoes.

I caught myself realizing that we live in an ever increasing mobile world and there's a good chance our dc could/will move across country.

My older two tell me they plan to stay here in Louisiana. The 18 yr old has an uncle who has a high position with the Railroad. He talked to Corey the other day about going to work for them. Railroad employment would mean no need for degree but extremely good pay and benefits. It would also mean moving wherever they deem to send you. Corey would rather accept lower pay and stay here than move.

Then there's my 12-yr-old. He asked me the other day if he could stay in this house forever.
(Unsure which emoticon to use.)   

So I was writing from my personal surroundings and experience and, in hindsight, I realized that not everyone lives close to family anymore. Welcome to the modern world. This is where ideal and reality clash.

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Posted: Jan 07 2006 at 9:16pm | IP Logged Quote Cay Gibson

Cay Gibson wrote:
There's a sadness over facing our own immortality; but it should not take away from that joy that (was it Willa?) wrote about on another thread.


I know Joy was talked about somewheres here but I can't remember where.

I did find a post on Cindy's blog concerning Joy that I read earlier and had on my mind.

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Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 1:42am | IP Logged Quote Leonie

Leonie wrote:
Elizabeth wrote:
Another thought:
As I was folding a million loads of laundry this morning, I was thinking about Cay's post and about Jackie's and Leonie's. Part of the pain, I think, is that Jackie and Leonie have their older children leaving the immediate area. I don't think it would be nearly so hard to cope with them out of the house if they came to visit frequently, particularly if they had our grandchildren in tow. But, we are an increasingly mobile society ...


Yes, that is it.

It is not so much about leaving home as it is about being far away.

Maybe I will have to continue to parent and then to grandparent long distance. Maybe I won't get the chance to pop over to see my older dc and their future families or to discuss day to day life, or to babysit, or do any of the small things Cay mentions, except for long distance and occasional visits.

That is the way it is now, even with email and blogs aned mobile phones. It is not the same, when older dc live far away.

Yes, we still connect and have joy but its not the same. Its not only about the empty nest - its about the distance.

I know God is with us on this journey - but it is still a journey.


An addendum to this.

We just returned from dropping the older three boys off at the airport. They have been with us for two weeks, on holiday.

My youngest son, now ten, sobbed and sobbed at saying goodbye again to his big brothers. The next three up had very sad faces, too.

I think, in large homeschooling families, there are not only connections between parents and children but also between older and younger siblings.

This can make separation hard.

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Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 6:11am | IP Logged Quote jackiemomof7

{think, in large homeschooling families, there are not only connections between parents and children but also between older and younger siblings. }

Yes, Not only is it I who hurt,but the other children. When Matthew left Friday Morning, my 15 year old son help him finishing loading his car and tears just ran. He is the next boy in line and he looks up to his brothers so much. I don't think he feels he is ready to be the "big brother" at home now. Not only do parents roles change during this course of life but the children's also.



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Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 12:24pm | IP Logged Quote Willa

Leonie,
My 12yo son is at a very unsentimental stage in his life. But after his oldest brother returned to college after Thanksgiving break, he literally counted the days until he'd return for Christmas. Every day he would announce how many days were left, like a talking Advent calendar

I don't even want to go into detail about our "babies" and how much they love having their brother around, especially Aidan.

I think you are right and that their pain probably affects us as mom since we are the "heart of the home".

Also, Jackie, I was thinking more about your situation last night.   I have 2 boys, then my one girl, too. My girl is getting to be a real right hand around the house, and she is a joy to have around, as well. She has a possible vocation -- and sooo-- well, last night your situation suddenly became so real to me -- flash forward just a few years and I might well be there!   Oh, I can see why you are hurting!

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Posted: Jan 08 2006 at 5:17pm | IP Logged Quote Leonie

Willa and Jackie,

I wrote about this spearation and the relationship between older and younger siblings on my blog.

One thing I shared was how the movie "Because of Winn Dixie" has helped.

Here is part of my thoughts, fwiw

<<On New Years Eve, we watched the children's movie "Because of Winn Dixie'. Jonathon and I had read the book earlier this year.

And the pathos in the movie spoke volumes to me and gave me the words to share with the younger four children, about the departure of their three older brothers.

"Its like Gloria says, in Because of Winn Dixie. She tells Opal that you can't hold onto those things or people that you love. You have to love them while you have them."

The same applies to family, siblings, children leaving home, the empty nest and the synergy of unschooling.

Love it while you have it. And give it all to God.>>>



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Posted: Jan 09 2006 at 5:52am | IP Logged Quote jackiemomof7

Thanks Leonie, I have been thinking about renting the movie to watch and we will rent it now.

I understand her statement and truly believe it. It just seems the problem I am having and didn't realize until recently is this fear, the fear of my kids leaving. Not for them but for me. I have been a mom all my adult life,what will I do when they are gone? Will I really still be needed? Now the practicle side of me knows that this is nonense, that I will have time to do all kinds of wonderful things, but this hidden thing in me that has been nagging at me, that some how has frozen me,is what I can't seem to push past. But now that I see it for what it is (my newest cross) I will put forth more prayer and ask my priest for guidance. Because I felt for a while I was teetering on the edge of dispair. Thankfully my eyes have opened and I see that this is just change not something that is threating me.

So today as we start school back up,my children will be greeted by a mother who is thrilled that we are learning and that they are growing in all things. (and now mommy knows that she too is growing and learning new things)

One last thing, is Elizabeth mentioned about examples of parents on how to handle this change in life. I thought back on my own mother and when I left home then my sister. To be honest I don't remember much because I was to caught up in myself (ugh, how sad) I was scared about being left at college, not thinking about her crying the whole drive home. I was thinking of my wedding not how she would feel as I became a wife. I guess her example is what I am doing smiling, because bless her heart that is all I remember is her smiling and just being there when i needed her.

Well I am off to love the 5 still here and to enjoy each moment with them today. Thanks ladies, you helped me through a really down time, but I think the light is shinning now and I can move on. God bless you all and this forum so we can express what us mommies feel somedays.

__________________
Jackie wife to Jim for 27!! years, proud army mom of Chris(25),Chef Matthew(24) and Sister Grace of Benedectines (21),Joshua(19),Nicholas(17),Jaymee(15), Elizabeth(13) and 2 in Heaven.Grandma to 3!
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