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donnalynn
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I hope everyone had a lovely Mother's Day...somehow more than ever I am feeling so inadequate.
All around me I see other homeschooling mothers who are working, writing books, touring the homeschool circuit, and various other activities with vigor and grace and here I am about to withdraw from my local women's group at Church. I tried being their treasurer for the year and was wracked with guilt and a last minute panic when I realized I almost gave up seeing my dd in a violin recital for a meeting. It's is not a large time commitment but my schedule is so not my own. I will complete my term - which for me is feeling like a huge accomplishment - isn't that crazy?
I do not for one minute begrudge other women the ability to do this but I keep wondering why I can't? Dh is the sole bread winner (and often the bread maker too!!) - he can make much more money than I could - we've looked at options. It just doesn't make sense for me to work for less money when dh can easily pick up a few more hours counseling or tutoring.
I don't have a particularly large family (at least by Catholic homeschool standards - isn't that funny in itself that I think that way - is there a standard?). I've got four, the youngest is going on 7 and I feel more overwhelmed than ever. We are hoping to possibly add to our family and I wonder if I am not just asking for trouble or at the very least a nervous breakdown!!
This will be all in God's hands soon and there is the strong possibility that we won't be so blessed - but at this point I wonder which is causing me more angst - the thought of possibly having another baby or not having another bundle. 
I guess I am wondering what it is like to feel like you are carrying out your vocation well! (This is my question BTW) How do you know when you are doing enough - how do you know you are doing well?
I worked so hard yesterday on a sun dress for dd - she doesn't like it - it felt like such an accomplishment but I know she's disappointed - I think she was looking for something more fitted and without the ability to put in a zipper - it just didn't come out like what she pictured. 
Posting before I chicken out...
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donnalynn
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amyable
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I can offer you no more than  and prayers, because I feel *just* as you do - and have the same questions. How do you *know* you are doing enough? That you are fulfilling all of your calling? I feel this emptiness inside and this drive to do more - to write a book, start a business, whatever - but is it from God, or is it simply the conditioning I've received growing up in this culture?
I'm especially conscious (sp?) of it right now, because if we made a bit more money, we'd be able to afford a house that would fit us all more comfortably. Dh says it's his "fault", but I can't help thinking, "No, it's MINE. I could be bringing in money. You bring in more than enough."
I'll be reading this thread with interest.
ETA: I don't think I expressed myself very well.  I can't seem to make the words say what my heart is feeling.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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stellamaris
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Dearest sister in Christ, I know that I could have written a post just like yours, and I think there are many others out there who from time to time feel the same. I have often meditated on Jesus's words from the Cross, "It is finished!" He knew he had completed the work the Father gave Him to do, but we know that he did not do everything from a "human" standpoint. When he died, there were still lepers needing healing, sinners needing converting, the hungry, the poor, and the infirmed. However, He did the Will of God in being obedient unto death, and in doing this He fulfilled His vocation as our High Priest, Savior, and Lord. Likewise, we can not do everything, yet so often this is the standard by which we judge ourselves. Not, "Did I do the Will of God?", but, "Did I do all the wash, all the cooking, all the volunteering?" We do not ask, "Am I being faithful to what God has called me to do?", but, "Am I doing as much as my neighbor/friend/mentor?" You will know when you are doing well when you can offer the moments and events of your day to God with a clear conscience, knowing they were done in love and in service, even if what you did was very little. You will know you are accepting God's Will for your life when you can begin to accept your own limitations and even be grateful for them.
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to  dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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Bridget
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The women I know that write, speak, work and organize outside their families seem to have a special gift for that. And they prayerfully discern what God is calling them to do each time a new situation presents itself. They don't take outside positions or activities lightly. Often they do struggle with managing it all.
I wanted to be one of those moms a few times and stuck my big toe in to test it out. Each time there was such a problem of one kind or another that I decided God isn't calling me to those extras right now.
Yes, it is alright to just be mom and a wife. If God wants anything else from you, He'll let you know.
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God Bless,
Bridget, happily married to Kevin, mom to 8 on earth and a small army in heaven
Our Magnum Opus
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Kathryn
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I heard somewhere that tending to your "domestic church" IS enough. I know how you feel...pray, pray, pray.
Best,
Kathryn
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Servant2theKing
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I sure hope and pray "just" being a mother is enough, for that's all I am...some days it's a struggle just doing that! I do notice the more I pray and try to remain in God's will the more at peace I am with living the humble life of wife, mother, home educator and keeper of our home! We don't all need to go out into the world to follow our calling...some of us are simply called to live the little way of nurturing family and home.
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stellamaris
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Our Lady was "just a mother".
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In Christ,
Caroline
Wife to dh 30+ yrs,ds's 83,85,89,dd's 91,95,ds's 01,01,02,grammy to 4
Flowing Streams
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JennGM
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Donna, I feel the way you do so often. I don't know how other moms do it, but I can't.
I do have to catch myself when I'm feeling inadequate and remember that I'm thinking in a worldly sense that puts down the role of the mother. Motherhood is the highest and most beautiful profession in the world. Someone pointed out to me that John Paul II's on the Dignity of Woman did talk about working in the world and the role women play, but also reminded us of the fact that there is no greater thing to be than a mother. (I don't have the quotes, sorry.) After all, like Caroline pointed out, Mary was just a mother.
I have very little energy, and can't seem to do even do my job here at home very well. Adding homeschooling makes the job even more difficult on a daily basis.
One of the priests in my parish is always telling me I'll have plenty of time to do music at church, or volunteer for other parish work, but right now my main focus should be what I'm doing right now -- being a wife and mother.
So when I feel like I want to do something else, God tugs me back and helps me focus my attention back here, so I can do my first job well before I put any energy elsewhere.
It is hard, though, because it's a humble, unknown-except-to-God kind of role. Some weeks or months on end there's no nurturing for myself, with friends or culture. And so much of the time I feel like a failure. I just have to remind myself to keep my eyes on my own work.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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JodieLyn
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Quote:
How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe?
How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No. A woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness. ~G.K Chesterson
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Lisbet
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Jodie, that quote is perfect - I have long kept that taped the the inside of my coffe cupboard - it keeps me going...
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
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Mark, 5
Greta, 3
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dawn2006
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Hi, Donna. Our names are very similar and our oldests are very close in age!! I have this quote at the bottom of my blog:
Quote:
| "Without even knowing it, I had judged myself guilty by someone else's standard. I had condemned myself by that standard and was left feeling like a complete failure. To my family and loved ones I was doing just fine, yet I was blinded to that fact by my own self-induced guilt." |
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It's from Sally Clarkson's Seasons of a Mother's Heart. It has been the biggest ephiphany I've had this last year and realizing it has helped me know what you've asked: that I'm doing my vocation well, and I'm doing enough.
A friend of mine always advises me "not to compare your insides to someone else's outsides" and that helps me a lot, too, when I feel less than others.
Finally, when feeling like I don't compare well, I take a big break from reading blogs, parenting books, homeschool philosophies, etc. I center on what my dh wants and what I can accomplish in a day. After a week, a month, I feel more whole and then become watchful of what I put back into my 'ideas' diet, KWIM? I've found that while that doesn't necessarily translate into more art projects or a cleaner house, there IS a net gain in my peace of mind and satisfaction, which in turn ripples beneficially for everyone else.
HTH. Hugs, prayers.
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Dawn Farias | wife to Ariel | mom to Gabriel 9, Daniel 7, Elizabeth 5, and Michael 3 | blogger at Be Absorbed | native Texan but currently living near Seattle
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Bookswithtea
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Bridget wrote:
The women I know that write, speak, work and organize outside their families seem to have a special gift for that. And they prayerfully discern what God is calling them to do each time a new situation presents itself. They don't take outside positions or activities lightly. Often they do struggle with managing it all.
I wanted to be one of those moms a few times and stuck my big toe in to test it out. Each time there was such a problem of one kind or another that I decided God isn't calling me to those extras right now.
Yes, it is alright to just be mom and a wife. If God wants anything else from you, He'll let you know.
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This is how I feel about it, too. Every time I try, God seems to frustrate it. I've come to the conclusion that God wants me to just focus on home and hearth. If its enough for Him, then it must be ok.
I do believe that the moms who do more are definitely called, kind of like an apostolate. They aren't superwomen, but they are given special graces that I am not given.
Fwiw, I always get a little melancholy over Mother's Day. I feel keenly all the things I haven't done well over the year. I think I may just be glass half empty type...
Awesome Chesterton quote. I think I'll tape that one to my fridge!
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Blessings,
~Books
mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and due 9/10
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Cay Gibson
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At life's end I truly hope to be remembered as a wonderful wife and a loving mother. If I succeed at this, then everyone who knew me will remember me fondly.
That's my only wish and my greatest prayer.
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Cay Gibson
"There are 49 states, then there is Louisiana." ~ Chef Emeril
wife to Mark '86
mom to 5
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aussieannie
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I love that quote Jodie, it's just the best, I love Chesterton for putting it so well!
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Spiritual Motherhood for Priests
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MarilynW
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aussieannie wrote:
| I love that quote Jodie, it's just the best, I love Chesterton for putting it so well! |
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I was just going to quote the same thing. My other favorite quote:
The Most Important Person on earth is a mother.
She cannot claim the honor of having built Notre Dame Cathedral.
She need not. She has built something more
magnificent than any cathedral-a dwelling for an immortal soul,
the tiny perfection of her baby's body…
The angels have not been blessed with such a grace.
They cannot share in God's creative miracle to bring new saints to Heaven.
Only a human mother can.
Mothers are closer to God the Creator than any other creature;
God joins forces with mothers in performing this act of creation…
What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: to be a mother?
-Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty
In our vocation as wives and mothers the most important thing is getting to Heaven with our spouses and children - and also in creating a peaceful, loving home with rhythm and routine and peace. If we can manage to write or speak to work too - that's great. But these are so secondary to raising our children and having a home which (most of the time) is peaceful, clean, organized and where our spouses and children love to be. I have tried to do lots of things - and it really does not work for me - I always think of the Bible verse about cutting off anything that causes you to sin. In my case I try to remove anything that means I cannot be fully present to my husband and children.
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Marilyn
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MarilynW
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Just to add too - there are seasons I think. Maybe at certain points we can do more out of the house - but for me right now I just struggle to keep on top of laundry, meals, cleaning and also educate and spend time with my kids. Cannot do anything more than this.
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Marilyn
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Sarah M
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stellamaris wrote:
| Likewise, we can not do everything, yet so often this is the standard by which we judge ourselves. Not, "Did I do the Will of God?", but, "Did I do all the wash, all the cooking, all the volunteering?" We do not ask, "Am I being faithful to what God has called me to do?", but, "Am I doing as much as my neighbor/friend/mentor?" You will know when you are doing well when you can offer the moments and events of your day to God with a clear conscience, knowing they were done in love and in service, even if what you did was very little. You will know you are accepting God's Will for your life when you can begin to accept your own limitations and even be grateful for them. |
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Wow, Caroline. This is so helpful and inspiring and encouraging. Thank you for posting it.
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Bella
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Donna,
My eyes just about popped out of my head after reading your post! 
My "just being an at home mom" took a hit tonight, by one of DH's female coworkers!  ( I rarely attend his work functions, as it is never fun-and DH doesn't enjoy them that much,either! Tonight was a must-go situation.) Honestly, the conversation went like this...
Me..."So, DH tells me you're moving because of your DH's job! That is so refreshing to hear, as marriage takes so much sacrifice at times."
Her..."I suppose. So how long have you and DH been married?"
Me..."This summer will be 19 years!"
Her..."Wow! How do you even have anything to talk about anymore? I try to talk to my DH, but his work bores me to death, and of course we don't have kids. Does DH talk to you about work?"
Me...laughing..."He does talk about his work-it is boring sometimes-but it's more important that I am there and trying to be supportive-and I do give my .02! Of course, we put a limit on topics we talk about-his work and our dc each get 20 mins."
Her...laughing.."Does it turn to weather then, since you don't work? What else would you talk about? I think it would be very,very boring."
At this point oldest dd came up, and coworker turned away....a good thing, as I was biting my lip, to hold my tongue!
This was this coworker's last day, and I am trying to just let her stinging words roll off.
But yes, Donna, it is quite enough to be a mother. I speak these words from a dc raised by a mom who was absent and abusive. All I've ever wanted, was to BE AVAILABLE to our dc. I never wanted our dc to feel the ugliness and emptiness I hold deep inside from being raised w/o a loving mother who was never available to me.( I'm not suggesting mothers who do things outside of motherhood aren't available-just offering my experience.)
I have had many conversations with God, about the irony of me being a SAHM-and hsing! Why? I am a HORRIBLE housekeeper and cook-DH is the better cook! My family isn't large,either.
I can relate to so much of what you write...I even feel inadequate here at 4Real,as it seems everyone is so academic,crafty, and domestic...and I don't even blog!! (' ')
I,too, appreciate the quotes! Thank you!! For me, it is very hard to not compare my life to others. Sigh.
Prayers and hugs!!
And..I'm posting before I chicken out!!
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Peace and Blessings,
Bella
Wife and Mom to my sweeties!
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CrunchyMom
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Bella wrote:
| Does it turn to weather then, since you don't work? What else would you talk about? |
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Right, cause if you worked in an office, that would be SO interesting to talk about.
Obviously, she has no idea what real conversation is, what it means to discuss ideas or GOD! She assumes you must be bored because she is a boring person--which is exactly what the world produces. Boredom.
I may be a lot of things as a stay-at-home mom, but I'm rarely bored!
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Lindsay
Five Boys(6/04) (6/06) (9/08)(3/11),(7/13), and 1 girl (5/16)
My Symphony
[URL=http://mysymphonygarden.blogspot.com/]Lost in the Cosmos[/UR
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Pilgrim
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Us women can be so hard on ourselves. We compare ourselves in so many realms.
I, too sometimes feel inadequate, and compare myself to others. I wonder, how can others who have 6,8,10 or more kids homeschool, and get it all done, when I can barely get anything done with dd each day? How do others, do canning, sewing, decorate for the seasons of the Church year, etc, etc, etc?
But then I have to remind myself, I AM doing my best, and that is ALL God asks of me. And I know that if I try to add more to my day, or more activities I will not be at peace, and be able to peacefully deal with the trials that each day brings, or stop and enjoy those little moments that happen with my children throughout the day, the ones that memories are made of. My children and husband need me to be emotionally well, and if I do more than I can, I know I will not be at peace, and the patience and understanding goes out the door. And when I'm too busy, I notice that I get frustrated with having to stop and just listen to my children, and then I realize, "wait a minute, this is what it's all about, taking the time to listen, teach, love, respond to, and build to the best of my ability little saints". To give of myself in those little moments to the precious children and husband God has given me, that is what it is all about. When things are going too fast, we don't take that time, it's always hurry up.
I sometimes feel inadequate because others do a lot of canning at harvest time, and I cannot. My husband does a great part of the majority of the canning, if any gets done. But, I know that if I do the canning, everything else falls apart, and our house is a big mess for weeks until it gets caught up. The funny thing is, then I feel inadequate for not keeping up on the house.
I guess the best we can do as SAHMs is to prioritize what is the absolute most important things to us, accomplish those to the best of our abilities, and pray for the Lord to fill in where we lack in abilities. We are after all only human, and cannot expect ourselves to perform above our abilities. All of this said with love, and commiseration, as I have to fight against feeling inadequate, too. It's worst when I'm tired, I've noticed.
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Is it ok to be just a mother?
