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Dawnie
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Merry Christmas, everyone! Although I haven't confirmed it yet w/ a test, I strongly suspect that I am pregnant w/ our 4th baby. This is an unplanned-but-no-surprise pregnancy. My husband and I are ok about it being "unplanned," but I am struggling w/ what to say to nosy family members if they ask, "Was this planned??" DH and I teach NFP through the Couple to Couple League (CCL), so I guess I'm worried about being a bad advertisement for NFP. In this case, it isn't that NFP didn't work, it's that we weren't using NFP! My cycles just returned after 18 months of breastfeeding amenorrhea, during which I had virtually no sexaul desire. So, when I started cycling again and actually felt some desire, it was like trying not to eat after a very long fast! KWIM?? I'm sharing this here partly b/c I'm confident that you ladies will understand and partly b/c I'm anoymous here! LOL Anyway, I don't want to share all that w/ my parents, in-laws, and brothers and sisters, but I also don't want to lie to them. I mean, the pregnancy was unplanned, but that's really not any of their business I'm more anxious about my family's response than about actually having another baby. I want to be charitable in my response to them, so I'm looking for some "canned" responses to rude questions about family planning. I'm not very holy yet, so I have to have what I'll say planned out, or I'll end up losing my temper!
God bless all of you,
Dawn Sauer
Mom to Mary Beth (6), Anna (3), and Lucia (19months)
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Mom to Mary Beth (99), Anna (02), Lucia (04), Clara (06), and Adelaide Victoria (2/28/09)
Visit my blog!Water Into Wine:Vino Per Tutto!
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Martha
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 BTDT! I think you did plan this baby, although it may not have been a thought-out plan. I mean you do know what causes them and you did do that anyhow, right? So see you did some instant planning and it coincided with God's plan - so it all worked out like it's supposed to. 
How about taking the offensive approach via an announcement?
You might like this poem:
A Message for Nana and Papa
Have you ever cleaned out your pocket
And discovered a ten dollar bill?
You really weren’t expecting it,
But it gave your heart a thrill!
Have you ever opened the door
And there before your eyes
You saw the flower man standing
With an armful of surprise?
Well a surprise is exactly what’s happened
To us as a man and a wife
The Lord has been gracious and perfectly good
By adding to us a fifth life!
We could have told you in person
But it’s very important you see
That we only see thoughts and reactions
Of happiness, smiles and glee!
So once you’ve had time to digest it
And been able to ponder it all
When you have a nice word about all that you’ve heard,
Feel free to give us a call!
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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JSchaaf
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Unplanned by you and dh, maybe, but certainly planned by God! I have no answers for you to use with the family-when we found out we were pregnant with #3 my mom actually asked if we knew how these things happen...
Jennifer
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MEBarrett
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Like Jennifer said, we always tell people that none of our children were planned (it's really true!) by us but all are part of God's plan for us. That's all they need to know. You'll probably get all of those dopey jokes about owning a TV or taking up a hobby but it is a good opportunity to culivate serenity. Put on your most serene smile and busy yourself with dinner or something.
BTW I love that poem. Gonna need that one this weekend! Thanks Martha.
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Blessings,
Mary Ellen
Mom to seven beautiful kids
Tales from the Bonny Blue House
O Night Divine
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Martha
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| Posted: Dec 22 2005 at 6:21pm | IP Logged
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Just in case you'd like poetic options to chose from, here's 2 more you might like. I change the wording a bit to fit as neccessary. Feel free to do the same for yourself. 
Seventh
I know I’m number seven,
but the fact you can’t deny –
is that God, Almighty Giver,
is the Author of my life.
My soul is no less special,
and my spirit no less great
than those that came before me
be they one, or six, or eight.
So many eyes are blinded
by the whispers of this world –
to them, there is no miracle
in a human life unfurled.
A baby’s just a plaything,
a burden, or a chore,
and we must proceed with caution
to prevent too many more!
Only a fool would trust the Lord
to give as He desires
and live a life of trust in Him…
whatever that requires.
A new car may be exciting,
a new house may be a prize,
but my new life is better
than any thing that money buys.
So all the world may roll their eyes
when seven they now see –
but I can’t wait until I meet
the fools who welcome me.
~ by baby Wilson
Expecting Again
We just can't wait to tell. . .
Come May our family will swell!
Yes, it is true. . .
Number 8 will soon debut.
Please join us in our glee,
As we anticipate so happily
This blessing from the Lord above,
And please welcome this little one
with lots and lots of love!
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Erica Sanchez
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Dawn ~ congratulations! I don't have any good replies as I struggle with that myself, but wanted to share that we only "planned" one of our 6. The funniest thing is she is by far our most stubborn, strong-willed child! I think God was trying to tell us something.....let Him do the planning! Thankfully, we weren't that great at the NFP thing.
The biggest question I've been getting this time around is 'do we plan to have any more?' I don't remember being asked that before.
I love the poems!!! Thanks for sharing, Martha.
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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mary
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Congratulations!
I hate that pple even feel it's okay for them to ask if a baby is planned or not. I don't think it's a question that ought to be asked or, honestly, answered. I would never want any of my children to hear a story and think that they were unplanned and perhaps unwanted at the time. I'm probably overly sensitive about this question, but I think it's rude and takes from the joy of hearing that someone is expecting. And, the answer really belongs between the husband and wife, and no one else. I don't have an answer for you - so far I pretend like I didn't hear the question and change the subject.
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ShawnaB
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Dawn, many, many congratulations! I was asked frequently if number 3 was planned! (The assumption being that she was likely an accident...) Then, when we adopted #4 10 weeks after #3 was born...folks asked incredulously, "were you planning to adopt??!!!??"
I have given way too many long explanations...often feeling like I was defending myself against an insanity charge...but these days I have started saying truthfully, "yes, it was all planned." Because truly it was. I just don't mention that it was not planned by us!
I have watched my dear, charitable, long-suffering pal Chari, momma of 6, field the question "Wow, you have 6 kids...are you DONE now???" She sweetly smiles and says, "I'm not sure." She's my hero...conquering rudeness with sweetness everytime!
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Shawna, wife of Jacob, mom to Abraham 8 Amelia 5 and Jillian & Jonathan age 3 years http://www.psalm121family.com
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kingvozzo
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mary wrote:
| I hate that pple even feel it's okay for them to ask if a baby is planned or not. I don't think it's a question that ought to be asked or, honestly, answered. I would never want any of my children to hear a story and think that they were unplanned and perhaps unwanted at the time. I'm probably overly sensitive about this question, but I think it's rude and takes from the joy of hearing that someone is expecting. And, the answer really belongs between the husband and wife, and no one else. I don't have an answer for you - so far I pretend like I didn't hear the question and change the subject. |
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This is so true. We knew someone once who constantly referred to their last child as their "accident" and not in a loving way. 
I think people have gotten so nosy about this subject.
With each of our 3 kids, my dh and I have been asked if they were planned or if we were done. We usually try to laugh it off and say something like "God had it planned." We don't want to be preachy, but we do want people to have a small idea of how we look at our children.
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Noreen
Wife to Ed
Mom to 4 great kids and 10 sweet ones in Our Lady's arms
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juliecinci
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I have one!
On number five (who also was not planned) we used to say "not planned but very much wanted."
We were Protestants who didn't believe in birth control and I liked to point out to my Catholic family (!) that we actually wanted and welcomed any children we received so that it didn't matter if we had "planned" our baby or not since we wanted more children anyway!
That usually worked.
Oh and congratulations!
Julie
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Julie
Homeschooling five for fourteen years
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Becky Parker
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When our 4th was born we were asked many times if we were "done". My husband just grinned and said, "Well, lets see, the van has two more empty seats so I guess we're not". People didn't know whether or not he was serious but they usually dropped the subject. Of course, if we are blessed with two more we may need to change our line or buy a bigger van!
Becky
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Mary G
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Becky,
This reminds me of my SIL -- her dad said they should get a suburuban (this was when they had only 4 or 5 of their now 10 kids). SIL explained that a suburban would never be big enough as they planned to fill a 15-pass instead. She said this jockingly, but they're just about there and my side of the family thinks it's just great!
Merry Christmas to one and all!
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MaryG
3 boys (22, 12, 8)2 girls (20, 11)
my website that combines my schooling, hand-knits work, writing and everything else in one spot!
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Erin
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Dawnie,
As a Billings teacher I can certainly relate to your feelings. You don't want to sound as if the method doesn't work. That you particularly as a teacher don't know what you are doing. Let's be honest though, you really did know that you could have fallen pregnant and used that time anyway. I know as this is how my current pregnancy occured. Obviously you were open to this pregnancy so don't bother family with all the nitty details, after all your personal details are private. Tell them yes your pregnancy was planned (God certainly planned it and really so did you, you just didn't say "darling now let's talk about whether it's time for another baby")
Dawnie, I have been a teacher for 11 yrs now and I have become realxed about it all in my personal life. I certainly am not when teaching I stay very proffesional there, but I always see it as a ministry to those who would otherwise be using contraception, This is the way for God's grace to be able to work in their lives. And it is really amazing the amount of couples who start off adamant they won't have more and then later say it doesn't really matter if they do.
However for myself I know see it as important for me to know and understand this beautiful women's body that God has created, isn't he truly incredible it blows my mind. But over the years I've learnt to not be a control freak here but to try to do God's will more. You know I don't know if I'm expressing myself here properly as I can't even put it into words to myself well. Not meaning to ramble.
The best one liner I heard on the magnum opus group that I am comfortable with when confronted with 'how many more'- is "I don't feel as if we are all here yet"
Enjoy your blessing, congratulations. Wonderful news.
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Erin
Faith Filled Days
Seven Little Australians
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ALmom
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First in order - Congratulations. What a wonderful blessing a baby is!!
We also taught NFP and seemed like we were always pregnant when starting a new class and had a bunch of nervous students wanting to ask the very question - but a little more polite than the typical stranger that confronts you with - was IT planned. They always waited for us to volunteer info - and didn't ask nosy, rude questions.
In our class we typically shared some info without being asked - how excited we were about our baby and how much each child is such a blessing. We chose to share that we had prayed for and desired this dc as this really was the unspoken concern of frightened NFP learners just starting to learn a method everyone else was telling them was a failure. We usually shared this briefly in the context of where it was most relevant. You should not feel obligated to share details unless you want to. It is not deceitful to keep information to yourself that is personal and nobody's business. The baby was certainly not a surprise but even if your baby had been, you really are under no obligation to share that with anyone. At least in the classes we taught, there were charts that addressed this. There are times when God really wants the baby and it happens despite perfect adherence to all the rules. We are not hiding this as teachers - we are not required to share intimate details of our own lives. There is far too much emphasis on us always being "in control" as if we want to tell God how to arrange our lives. A surprise is a wonderful happening even when it is a full surprise and part of living NFP is growing to recognize this and to recognize that God gives the grace to love and cherish every child He sends.
Generally the question to us was phrased - Is this the last - which we always answered with "I hope not!" If it was phrased as Was it planned - our response is always - "we are very excited about OUR BABY. Isn't it wonderful?" It doesn't really directly answer the question in its rudest phrasing - but it answers the question that is really behind any well meaning question, ie we are happy and not struggling. One relative always asked me - Is your husband happy (OK) with this. Of course he was! I got to where I put dc on the phone to make the initial announcement because the relatives would always be excited with them and then had time to let the "shock" sink in before talking to me. Now, I don't think they are even surprised anymore.
After a while, you become a "lost cause" and people stop bothering you. I cannot say at which #, the message finally gets through, but somewhere along the line everyone you know just starts being excited too - the excitement is contagious. Suddenly the advantages start becoming evident to them - elderly friends don't have anyone to take care of them, visit them, etc. because there aren't many and they are so busy. My grandmother was the envy of all her elderly friends and she had a certain status because of all her grandchildren. She insisted on an assisted living facility instead of moving in with us/her children (but always knew she had that option) and whenever we visited, which was often, the whole facility showed up in the commons area to visit with us and my grandmother would try to sneak us away to have us to herself- but she was so proud even though she had often expressed concern with us having too many dc. Our dc great grandparents and grandparents always have a grandchild to visit, play with, see, etc. I had an uncle that was single that started telling people that he'd never have to worry because he had so many nieces and nephews that there'd always be someone to take care of him even though he did not have wife or children.
When people at work are stressing over retirement money, and how they will survive in old age and how they will possibly afford assisted living, etc. wondering how we will possibly make it, my dh smiles and says he'll never have to worry. There will always be our dc, even if all the prudential plans fall apart, he'll not be left alone in old age.
It is not that we bring this up in a defensive way. It just becomes obvious in normal interaction with people. Of course there are always a few die hards that think you have committed the gravest sin for having more than 2 dc. These are people you cannot do anything about anyways, so don't worry about them. I spent one vacation in DC at a hotel where everyone was glaring at me (I was pregnant with # 4 or 5 at the time). I tried to figure out what we were doing to offend - the dc had exercised exceptional behaviour; remembering everything we had told them about elevator etiquette and quiet in the hotel, etc. I couldn't fault our behaviour, etc. People literally glared at us and refused to enter the elevator with us, etc. I was beginning to feel really low but as we were leaving I noticed a bulletin of the conference being sponsored by the hotel we were staying at _ The Human Genome Project and then I knew. We simply had more dc than these "scientists" could tolerate. I had to smile to myself and move on. We had been in their face throughout their conference. I'm glad God let me see that poster as we were leaving - nothing we could have done or said would have convinced them unless God's grace moved them so it would have been pointless to even bother with explanations!
Love the poems by the way!
Janet
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Erica Sanchez
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Awesome post, Janet, especially the DC hotel part!!! We are in a very similar situation with my grandfather in a nursing home...he has 24 great grandchildren, 21 from my siblings alone...with 2 on the way!!!! I wish my parents were a little more excited about their 21 + 2 on the way...they usually come around once a baby is born and they realize God is taking care of everything!
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Have a beautiful and fun day!
Erica in San Diego
(dh)Cash, Emily, Grace, Nicholas, Isabella, Annie, Luke, Max, Peter, 2 little souls ++, and sweet Rose who is legally ours!
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Liz D
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When people asked my husband if we were done having kids, he'd say "Yes...Until the next one comes!"
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Liz
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rebeccafrech
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My dh got tired of being asked by his family "When will there be enough?" Luckily, a friend of mine gave him a t-shirt that he wore on Christmas Eve that silenced all the questions.. It says "B4 you even ask...
Yes, these are all my children, and they're awesome!
Yes, we have television, we just don't need it.
No, this is no some sort of daycare, it's 24/7
Why should we fix it if it's not broke?
Yes, we know where they come from...God
We had planned on just two; my spouse just can't count
Yes, we've heard of birth control; no birth and no control
You should enjoy our large family; our kids will be paying your Social Security
We didn't plan the first two; why start now?
Are we done??? We're just getting started!"
It has some lovely quotes on the back about the blessings of big families by Mother Teresa, JPII, Benjamin Franklin, etc.
you can buy it here http://www.catholicposters.com/shop/product.php?prodId=684&c at=32+33+46+ maybe it will do the trick for you that it seems to have done for us!
Blessings,
Rebecca
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Martha
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Rebecca,
Motherhood (of all places!) used to have a long sleeved pink shirt that said "Birth control is for sissies!" - that I just loved, but wasn't pregnant at the time. Of course, now they don't have it! I guess I'll have to make my own.
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Martha
mama to 7 boys & 4 girls
Yes, they're all ours!
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Donna
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Liz D wrote:
| When people asked my husband if we were done having kids, he'd say "Yes...Until the next one comes!" |
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 !!!
I like that one.
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Donna
DH, Keven
Jason, Stevie, Marie, Jackson, Clara, and Aaron
Jacob, Sam, and Regina with God
Grandbabies Leigha and Elsie
Moments Like These
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SaraP
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I think it's a terribly rude thing to ask someone if a pregnancy was planned, but in order to respond charitably think about what they are really asking: they want to know if you are surprised and/or upset or if you were anticipating this and are pleased.
So a short, sweet response would be a big smile and something like, "Well it certainly wasn't an accident!"
And remember that NFP is really nothing more than knowledge and what you do with that knowledge is entirely up to you, your DH and God and it's not ANYONE else's business. So you aren't a bad advertisement for NFP - you knew when you were potentially fertile and made choices accordingly and that's exactly how NFP is supposed to work!
Quote:
| Motherhood (of all places!) used to have a long sleeved pink shirt that said "Birth control is for sissies!" - that I just loved, but wasn't pregnant at the time. Of course, now they don't have it! I guess I'll have to make my own. |
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I've seen these, too, and I love them! I think you can get them online from a company called MollyAnna or something like that.
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Mama to six on earth, two in heaven and two waiting in Russia. Foxberry Farm Almanac
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to Charitably Respond to Negativity
