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amyable
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I wanted to add - although I don't have the guts to do it myself - it should be totally appropriate to have rules for your family and to smile and say (beforehand), "Our children have more than we can handle, thanks so much (sincerely) for your generosity in the past, but Valentine's Day just can't be a gift giving occasion anymore. It has nothing to do with you as the giver, but has everything to do with our goals to live a simple life with all that entails. It seriously goes against our religious principles to have too much."
I mean really, would they give out 25 junk plastic Bratz toys to an Amish family? (knowing my relatives, they just might  but you know what I mean.  )
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folklaur
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amyable wrote:
I mean really, would they give out 25 junk plastic Bratz toys to an Amish family? (knowing my relatives, they just might but you know what I mean. ) |
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(I am picturing my inlaws doing this....)
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CrunchyMom
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I think that I would try to casually communicate it before some serious "leveling" that would involve a "we've been meaning to talk to you about this thing that is bothering us..."
I think that *I* would take the upcoming birthday as an opportunity to bring it up casually--an e-mail, if that is how you often communicate with them, would be an acceptable non-threatening way, imo.
Perhaps something like, "With Dd's birthday coming up, we thought you might be thinking about what to get her. She really likes x, x, and x, and I've seen her eyeing x (make it chatty like Jodie suggested)."
Then if redirecting isn't enough for you and you feel the need to communicate further your opinions, you could add a paragraph saying possibly, "We've really been struggling lately managing all of the toys in the house. It is sometimes a burden to maintain all this while we create the environment we desire for our home. If you don't like the suggestions above, please let us see if we can help you come up with an alternative that Dd will love and will also help us to keep a handle on the toy clutter. We know how much you love to give gifts, and we appreciate your generosity and the love you show our children!"
I think that it might also be appropriate to cite a particular book, quote, or something that communicates some of your values. You might even phrase it in terms of an "experiment" to make it sound less threatening. Like, "We have been reading some about simplifying your life [and embracing gospel poverty] and we'd really like to start incorporating these ideals more into our family by exercising more control over the amount of stuff that comes into our home."
Admit you are weird and make it about your quirkiness (not their lack of taste  ), but try to make your quirkiness endearing
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stellamaris
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I wonder if the problem here isn't in the gift giving, but is a power struggle over whose values are going to most influence your child(ren). If the grandparents have no respect at all for your household standards, then there is something more going on besides just a desire to give a gift to their grandchild. Has your husband been able to discuss this with them? Do they respect the fact that he is the father of his own family and do they honor that? Does the family in general have boundary issues? Perhaps they are afraid that you are going to turn their grandchildren against them? You want each child to have a special relationship with their grandparents, but it is a two-way street. Grandparents must realize that the grandchildren are not their family, and it is not their place to impose their values. Is there any way you and your husband could sit down and discuss this entire problem with them at a time separate from the actual gift-giving? They may need some reassurance, but they also need to understand that they have to respect your parenting choices. As a grandparent myself, I know this can be hard to do, even if your children are fine parents and share many of your values. It's just tough to let go. If they cannot do this, you will have even bigger conflicts in the future.
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guitarnan
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Caroline has some very good points, and I love Lindsay's suggestions for how to open a constructive dialogue with the grandparents.
As children grow older, their gift preferences change, so there are always opportunities to start this conversation.
This is really a great thread. So many of us have relatives with boundary issues.  I know I'll be revisiting this thread a few times during the next year!
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stellamaris
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Linday's suggestions are excellent. I love that they are low-key and not confrontational. I would add one thought, and that is to take this whole problem to our Lord in serious prayer, asking for the Holy Spirit to give you wisdom, insight, and charity in your speaking. Ask, too, for the graces for your relatives to understand and respect what you are trying to communicate. Prayer in such circumstances can truly produce miracles!
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Caroline
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Sarah in SC
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I think maybe stepping back for a moment might help.
I lost both my parents in the first year of my 3rd child's life. They will never, in this life, even know my littlest, and my sweet ones will never know them. It is something I grieve over almost every day.
I know this may sound sanctimonious or trite given your question, but I would give anything for a pile of junk from my parents for my kids.
If I was really that offended by it, I would be gracious and say thank you so much for thinking of us, and then dispose of it as I saw fit, without causing a commotion, and without my child discovering it for awhile (Hmm...I just don't know where that hoohah got to.....). If it gives them pleasure to give to the children, so be it. They're only going to be here so long, and if the child remembers their grandparent being generous, then who cares if it was a hoohah princess dollar store frisbee piece of junk?
I know I'm probably the lone voice of dissent here, and believe me, I've emptied my house of plenty of plastic pieces of junk over the years. But it's all in the perspective, I think.
I hope you find a solution that works for your family.
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Mackfam
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CrunchyMom wrote:
| I think that I would try to casually communicate it before some serious "leveling" that would involve a "we've been meaning to talk to you about this thing that is bothering us..." |
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I think I'd do the same thing...though this can be difficult and really depends on your in-laws and your dh's preferences. Communication is challenging here...and maintaining relationship even more so. Rob and I are learning how to roll with things more while still keeping our family values intact. There was a time early in our marriage that this kind of thing would bother me enough to lose sleep over. But, I've learned that my in-laws have these pre-set ideas about what every child should own and how they should own all of it! And, if a salesperson takes advantage of their generosity and mentions that "x" is what all the kids are watching/wearing/receiving...then that (times 10) is what we get.
I tackle our situation in 2 ways...
1. Defensive strategy {Scenario...Sparkly (8yo) has just opened a gift DVD that we don't allow}...Sparkly says thank you and hands the gift to me (this takes some training, but it can be rehearsed and learned by even the smallest). I hold the gift - I hold all the gifts. I don't make a big deal of it and just set it aside. 9 times out of 10 my in laws don't say much else...and when I get home, I quietly dispose of it. If something is said like, "why don't we play the DVD right this very minute!" I step in and say, "no, thank you." I don't go into every detail, I only say what is necessary. I have been pushed into a corner before. I simply answer that the gift is not in line with our values and the children won't wear/watch/play with the item, but thank you for the generous thought in gifting them (I always try to end on a positive note thanking them). I think the point I'm trying to make here is that when/if you're backed into a defensive corner, be brief and charitable and then let it go. Extra words harm relationships. If your family tries to pick a fight over something, again brevity and charity - "I'm so sorry you don't understand. This is how it will be with our family. We appreciate your generosity."
2. Offensive Strategy {Scenario...any visit that takes place before an anticipated gift giving bonanza}...I mention that child a's birthday is coming up and she would like ...insert a couple of options or themes... If the conversation instantly turns to something like, "oh, you always tell us what to buy, but we already have ...mention specific name of item here... for this child." I reply in one or two ways:
If the toy is what I'd consider junk food (in other words...potato chips or ice cream - not great in large quantities, quickly consumed) I leave it alone. We receive the gift (I might warn the child if the child is old enough so that a polite thank you can be offered), it is handed to me, and we go from there.
If however, the toy/item mentioned is poison (something my dh and I consider harmful to our children...and honestly, there are very few of these! Most gifts that are inappropriate are just things you don't want in your house and can be received and shuffled through the re-gifting process)...but if it is poison, I'm clear. "I'm sorry, that gift will not be allowed in our home. If you give it anyway I will take it and immediately dispose of it. You're always so very generous with the children, can we come up with another idea?"
I always try to disarm the conversations with a charitable word because in my particular situation it is what works. I find a casual approach is usually less re-butted by my in-laws. I think this makes the situation less pointed as well...it's not all about **them** and **their gifting habits**. It's just another conversation among many. And because the kids are always into **something** I can quickly shift into another conversation sometimes leaving them completely without an idea of where we've been except that they've just agreed to buy 8 different colors of playsilks!
I really do empathize! Identify your potato chips and poison. Allow a few potato chips in and quickly out without too much ado. Charitably but firmly restrict the poison. And, without expecting change overnight, try to slowly convince them of the freedom and happiness of living simply, of a life less cluttered.
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Leonie
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Sarah in SC wrote:
I know this may sound sanctimonious or trite given your question, but I would give anything for a pile of junk from my parents for my kids.
If I was really that offended by it, I would be gracious and say thank you so much for thinking of us, and then dispose of it as I saw fit, without causing a commotion, and without my child discovering it for awhile (Hmm...I just don't know where that hoohah got to.....). If it gives them pleasure to give to the children, so be it. They're only going to be here so long, and if the child remembers their grandparent being generous, then who cares if it was a hoohah princess dollar store frisbee piece of junk? |
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Just popping here to agree. I think this solution is great - we have grandparents who do not talk to our family, who are not involved and our children have grown up without this affection of gift giving. I think the memories of gifts from grandparents will be strong family memories and important, more important than the actual gift.
Praying you find peace about this issue.
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Taffy
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Sarah in SC wrote:
I think maybe stepping back for a moment might help.
I lost both my parents in the first year of my 3rd child's life. They will never, in this life, even know my littlest, and my sweet ones will never know them. It is something I grieve over almost every day.
I know this may sound sanctimonious or trite given your question, but I would give anything for a pile of junk from my parents for my kids.
If I was really that offended by it, I would be gracious and say thank you so much for thinking of us, and then dispose of it as I saw fit, without causing a commotion, and without my child discovering it for awhile (Hmm...I just don't know where that hoohah got to.....). If it gives them pleasure to give to the children, so be it. They're only going to be here so long, and if the child remembers their grandparent being generous, then who cares if it was a hoohah princess dollar store frisbee piece of junk?
I know I'm probably the lone voice of dissent here, and believe me, I've emptied my house of plenty of plastic pieces of junk over the years. But it's all in the perspective, I think.
I hope you find a solution that works for your family. |
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Good points, you're not alone in thinking this, Sarah. 
Dh and I lost our fathers within a month of each other. My daughter will never know either of them. My father wasn't the most pleasant person to be around but I am so sad that she will miss out on knowing him as a person.
I would simply say Thank You, let the kids play with it for a week or so, then quietly "lose" it. Just my opinion.
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SuzanneG
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I haven't read everyone's responses, but I just wanted to comment on this, which I think is separate from what you're asking about:
Maggie wrote:
| On top pf that, we believe it is affecting our 4yo's behavior. When we get the mail, she now asks persistently if there is a package for her...and if there is not, and there is one for me or her daddy, she can't believe it and becomes angry. When she received gifts from relatives yesterday (it must have been $40-$50 worth of gifts), she was sooooo ungrateful and demanding. She exclaimed, "which bag is mine!!!" in such a demanding voice...and before I could correct her, great-grandma said, "oh, you don't get one bag...you get TWO!" Great. My daugher's ill-behavior was just rewarded doubly. She was not thankful for the gifts...and even told grandma and great grandma, "but I already have two of these!" (Which is true...grandma already got her a pair of dress up shoes)...to which they responded "well, you can always use more!" (Again, this does not jive with our philosophy of "one is enough." |
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This is TOTALLLY in your control and is def. something that you can and should do something about.
"Which bag is mine?" would result in a swift swooshing of the child from the room (even after great grama said, "You get two!") and firmly explained that that is NOT how we respond when people come bearing gifts.
Same thing with "I have two of these." results in...... Swoosh from room. "That is NOT how we say thank you. When someone gives you a gift you say thank you otherwise, you won't be able to keep the gift." End of story.
Whether or not you decide to approach this with your in-laws, you can address this challenging behavior with your child regardless of the family members present, the family-member's reaction, or the presents being offered to them. Enforce simple rules of common courtesy and back them up clearly with your children and your in-laws.
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folklaur
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Sarah in SC wrote:
| I know I'm probably the lone voice of dissent here... |
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no you're not (and I am obviously absolutely horrid at getting my point across in my posts if you felt that way!)
I think you are totally right.
(and, i know this isn't a going to be a popular opinion, but i think telling someone else what to buy for a 'gift' is a little tacky....i give suggestions of themes when asked ("dd likes fairies and horses"), but i would never say,basically, "buy this or this, they are all that is acceptable" - no matter how 'nicely' it was phrased but that's me....)
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Maggie
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I just want to thank all of you wonderful moms for posting all of your replies. I am sure the Holy Spirit is working through each one of you. My husband sat down briefly to read through some of the posts last evening and commented on how each post he read seemed to have some jewel of guidance in there for us.
We thank you so much, from the bottom of our hearts, for your shared time and shared experiences.
As you can tell, we are still relatively young in marriage and family life (only been married 6 years), and it is wonderful to be able to tap into your wisdom and guidance.
Please please keep us in prayer as we discern what we should do.
God bless you all!!
Maggie
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Marcia
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I just found this thread today! Excellent! We TOO have struggled with this in our 10 years of having children (in our almost 13 years of marriage). My children just know that most likely the things they get from a certain grandma are short lived in our house. I offer suggestions to her every year, but she really wants to buy what she wants to buy. Once the things leave her house, we feel free to do what we need to with them. It hasn't seemed to get easier...in fact it's harder as now grandma feels free to buy immodest clothes for the girls in the tween years. But I do think my attitude has changed a little for the better. I say thank you graciously and then the clothes are either returned or given to goodwill.
I think many of us suffer with this and we should continue to pray for each other!
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Red Cardigan
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I think that compromise and understanding go a long way on these issues.
Sometimes the grandmas who want to buy all the popular toys are the ones who grew up longing for a special toy or two, but who never got them because of family finances etc. I know my MIL always, always, wanted a Raggedy Ann doll when she was little--but toys weren't important to her immigrant parents. So I try to look at her tendency to buy large stuffed bunnies at Easter or to send Webkinz around Christmas time with some understanding.
This same grandma--who would never buy immodest clothing on purpose--accidentally sent my girls cute tee-shirts with sparkly letters when they went on a Florida vacation, without looking at the words too closely. Since my older two already wore adult sizes, Grandma missed the fact that the sayings were euphemisms for "Come to X, Florida and get drunk during Spring Break." We had to explain to the girls why the shirts couldn't be worn outside, but as sleep shirts they were fine. Granted we were probably the only homeschooling family whose children were sleeping in tee-shirts extolling the virtues of beer--but it was better than letting the shirts be worn in public.
The way I look at it, if the item can be used in some way, it gets used. Only if it really can't does it get returned or thrown out or given away. I try to provide suggestions, but I realize that even Grandma gets bored buying charms for a charm bracelet and wants to have a little fun. And after my in-laws' last visit to us Grandma picked out terrific crafty gifts for the girls because the girls told her all about their interests in these areas.
For the younger children, perhaps "grandma's toys" could go in a special "Rainy Day/Sick box" and get used when the children are in that sort of mood where some cheap noisy plastic is actually distracting from the weather or a miserable cold?
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wahoo92
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Along with all of the wonderful suggestions, advice, and thoughts offered above, here is yet another idea that we have employed the last two years with great success. As a general guidleline for material goods in our family (and, of course, there are always exceptions) we have a one in, one out policy. If I get a new shirt, I get rid of an old one. If we get a new set of towels, we get rid of worn ones (or use for rags), and likewise, when new toys come in, old toys need to go out to make room. If they get a new stuffed toy, they graciously receive it and appreciate the thought behind the gift, but then they can decide if they would prefer to keep the new item or get rid of an old one and give to charity, a sibling etc. Relatives are aware of this policy, because they have heard our girls talk about it, and I think it has made them choose wisely when gift giving to both them and us.
Before anyone starts throwing tomatoes or accusing us of being draconian, please know that this wasn't initiated to punish grandparents or other gift givers. It is primarily to be consistent with our philosophy of minimizing "stuff", scaling down, clutter control, whatever you want to call it. Our 10 and 7 year old have been amazingly on board with it and have voluntarily given no longer used possessions to me in secret to hold onto for younger siblings or asked if they can give an item to charity. They can see how much more difficult it is to maintain order with too much stuff in a room, especially stuff they don't use. The 4 yo isn't asked to give things away or trade yet, but we do weed out as needed.
I also don't think there's anything wrong with having them enjoy junkier toys for a few days and then saying that's enough (like you might do with holiday candy) or collecting those items and giving them to the grandparents for them to hold for when the kids visit at their house.
Good luck.
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sewcrazy
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We went through this several years ago with my mother and my grandmother. I stopped trying to "reason" with them, and instead focused on my children. We spent a long while learning to be gracious in recieving and subtle about showing our family preferences. The boys were encouraged to wax lyrical about the art set and ignore the sock-um boxing robots. They knew the robots weren't coming to stay in our house. I encouraged the kids to brag to grandma about their new wooden animal collection, or knights, or dress-up trunk. She truly does want to please them and give them gifts that make them happy, so eventually both my mom and grandma began to call for suggestions and follow through with my suggestions. When grandma buys my dd clothes, she has me come with, or calls from the store.
This took years though and has to be taught to each child And yes, we still get gifts that are "junk food" but I can cope with that on occasion.
Good luck! I hope you can find a balance with them.
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amyable
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sewcrazy wrote:
The boys were encouraged to wax lyrical about the art set and ignore the sock-um boxing robots. They knew the robots weren't coming to stay in our house. I encouraged the kids to brag to grandma about their new wooden animal collection, or knights, or dress-up trunk.
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I *wish* we could do this! Unfortunately, the gifts that make me cringe the most are also the ones that my kids seem to go ga-ga over, at least at first. Yes, maybe later they get more good play value out of somethin else, but if asked what is their favorite, inevitably they'll say "that loud garish plastic dodad thingy with Bratz pictures all over it"!
And trust me, I do wax eloquent to them about the virtues of multi-purpose, well made, wooden toys. Maybe I should try harder?
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Blestwith8
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Having had a Mom who was not respectful of mine and my DH's wishes I am doing my darndest to honour my Son and DIL's wishes regarding my grandson Peter aka Sweet-Pete 
When he was born last month Jim and I went a little nuts. We have already been told that for Christmas it will be one gift per set of Grandparent as he has 6 which include Great Grandparents. You can imagine the chaos if we all bought tons for one little boy. He is the 1st Grandchild and Great Grandchild on both sides. He is guaranteed to be spoiled.
I value my relationship with my DIL and do not want to overstep my bounds.
However, another thought is to write a loving letter expressing your gratefullness at their generosity and appreciation of them limiting the gifts this year.
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How to tell your MIL...
