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Natalia
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| Posted: Jan 16 2009 at 8:04pm | IP Logged
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It has been lovely to get a peak at this particular moment in your day: the coming of your dhs. Thanks for sharing.
At our house his coming home goes pretty much the same as yours: the kids run to greet him, especially the youngest, I am usually cooking dinner so I stop to greet him and then go back to business. But, I am determined to put a little extra effort in greeting him with a smile, to ease his transition into the house a little better, more gently. His work is pretty intellectually intense and I think he has trouble leaving it behind.
The idea of the notebook is a good one. I tried that before and promptly forgot about it maybe he didn't read it, I don't remember. I think it is worth another try.
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| I think my dh and me have lost the ability to talk to each other so I don't think it's silly or shallow to keep that relationship growing and healthy. |
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Monique, how do we recover this ability? What can we do to re-learn how to talk to our husbands again?
It is so easy to feel out of touch these days...
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Natalia
http://pannuestrodecadadia.blogspot.com
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10 Bright Stars
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| Posted: Jan 16 2009 at 8:10pm | IP Logged
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Natalia,
Your second post really resonated with me. I never realized that I was using my husband as an extension of my own mind or a sounding board for ideas or frustrations until two things occured.
The first thing was his bringing to my attention that I didn't see him as a "person". He wished I saw him as something more than just "something" to sort of "talk at". This was extremely shocking to me since I never realized that I could have just as easily been talking to myself since I was just sort of using him to work out my own thoughts and feelings about things, not really conversing with HIM. (and, I mainly talked about the kids and homeschooling, and forgot about the fact that he was my husband, a person, and his time was valuble, and our relationship was more important than what phonics program I used.)
The second shocking thing to me was when he proceeded to tell me about ALL the nice conversations he had at work during lunch with a fellow homeschooling dad. He told me, "Yeah, I told him about how much you can't stand it and how hard of a time you have, and how you really struggle and how we don't know if we can keep doing it...." and ON and ON and ON with ALL this negative stuff!!!! I was so confused when he told me this and I wondered what the HECK he was talking about. I had no intention of quitting. I struggled, but he looked so downtrodden as he told me what he had told the guy. I was so embarrased that he had told this person that, and I felt it was a complete one-sided view of what was actually the truth!!! I realized that he only hears all the problems, complaints and my dumping all my frustrations throughout the day on him. When DID I tell him how much we laughed about a story, or that Mary could really read SO well now, or how we got all our work done today? Or, that I loved being with the family and the fact that he made it possible for me to be able to stay home with them all day? I don't ever go on and on about the good stuff!!! So, I realized then that I had given him a VERY lop-sided view of what I was doing throughout the day, and his image of our schooling was all the negative stuff that I had vented to him about all the time! I think HE was depressed that it seemed to be going so badly!
I make a conscience effort now when he calls home to say "Hi." to say, "Yeah, everything is going great!" I also try to pick out positive things that have happened and remark on them. There may be little annoyances here and there I still share, but I think I was just in a bad habit of thinking he wanted to hear about the trials etc. Part of me may have subconsiously wanted him to know I was working hard all day too, and that I wasn't just goofing off etc., and "See how much I sacrifice? Aren't you impressed??"
So, I do try to remind myself to ask how HIS day was, listen to him, and maybe even make some quiet space for him to "arrive" or decompress in after the kids have said their initial hellos so he can change, take a minute to regroup, have a cup of coffee and relax with me for a minute before he starts the night shift!! 
Plus, we have to realize that men are by nature problem solvers. When we just want to chat and sort of work out our thoughts AS we talk, THEY are thinking, "Oh no, she wants me to figure out a solution." So, they either get stressed about that, or actually TRY To figure it out, and let's be honest, we are always flitting from one new mental project to another. There is no way for them to keep up!!! Also, my husband told me he felt a lot better leaving for work, after I explained to him that I tended to dump things on him and things were actually going well/normally etc., He told me that he felt much better leaving for work each day having confidence in my abilites and knowing that things were under control. If we seem scattered, stressed and unhappy, it really does affect their mental peace. They want us to be happy, and I think it is unnerving to them when we complain all the time. (Which is often how they view our chatting! We think we are just communicating, they see it as complaining! )
So, maybe try to make HIM, truly HIM as a real, live, separate human being the center of your world for at least that 15 minutes you mentioned your friend setting aside each day. Maybe call him that special name you used when you were first going out. Remember how great it was to get a phone call from him "back then"? They still want to be that special guy in our lives, know that we appreciate all they do at work, (which we can't appreciate really since we don't even really know WHAT they do there all day, or the struggles they go through that they keep to themselves.) Anyway, we know when we are just getting our need for talking met or when we are actually engaging with another human being. This human just happens to be "Mr. Everything".
Thanks for posting this question. I am goiong to try to make a commitment to take the advice everyone has mentioned and start fresh for this new year!! Maybe we can post again in a few months to see how it is going and if the husbands noticed a change??? 
__________________
Kim married to Bob (22y)
Mom of 11 blessings:
Bobby 19, David 17, Noah 14,
Mary 12, Gracie 10,
Isabelle and Sophia 8,
Gabrielle 6,
William Anthony 4, Joseph 3 and Luisa Marie - born in M
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folklaur
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| Posted: Jan 16 2009 at 11:11pm | IP Logged
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I have been thinking about this thread since I first saw it the other day, but this has been my first chance to reply. I think it was a great question.
for us, I know the best thing that has happened has been DH working nights (and having a consistent schedule.) As a matter of fact, the past two weeks the show has been dark, and he has been on days, and I realized just how much I appreciate the other schedule.
So - for the past two weeks - he was getting off at six - so home about 6:30-6:45. Now, I know for me, I start to drag a little at this point, the kids are getting tired and whiny, I am thinking about all I didn't get done yet, and all I need to do tomorrow. Either I am still getting dinner on the table (if we are all eating together) or I am cleaning up after. Throw DH coming him into this, and it is easy to hit him with "Honey Do's" or to just vent. I mean, it is craziness.
Yuck.
So - I have tried really hard NOT to do that.
Our regular schedule as it usually is, has dh getting home about 12:15am. So - the kids are asleep (and sometimes I am too, tho rarely, but I usually am in bed.) It is quiet and peaceful and we just chill and watch mindless TV or a movie or just talk. It is nice. :) And then in the morning, (we are not morning people, and have no qualms with sleeping in, so...) I almost always wake up first - usually between 8 and 9, and DH can sleep in until he wakes up - unless we have something to go, of course - but even our weekly homeschool parkday doesn't start until 11. We try not to schedule anything before 10, ever. It just does not work for us, unless we absolutely have to. We wake up with our normal body rhythm (so often DH gets up between 10 and 11.) Our kids are now old enough that they will get up, make beds, and eat w/o needing help, and then they have certain things they are allowed to do until we get up - usually they are in the middle of a lego creation when I get to teh living room. :)
This way - dh also gets a decent morning, he'll grab a cup of coffee - and then - often asks me what he can do to help - whether it is do a read aloud with the kids, do something household related, run to the store, etc. he doesn't need to leave until almost 3pm - so we usually have a few good hours in there where we can do stuff together - play board games, play in the backyard, do science experiments - no one is tired or whiny or hungry, and it is just such a wonderful surprise! I know how lucky I am having this schedule now - and I had really dreaded it before. It has been a TOTAL blessing.
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chrisv664
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| Posted: Jan 17 2009 at 10:25am | IP Logged
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Eight Wonders wrote:
The first thing was his bringing to my attention that I didn't see him as a "person". He wished I saw him as something more than just "something" to sort of "talk at". |
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This reminded me of a funny story that occurred recently. Something at home really aggrevated me, and as soon as I got in the car by myself I called my husband at work to "download" my frustrations. I went on and on and on. For quite a while. Then it hit me how quiet it was on the other end. I had lost my signal!
I promptly called him back and asked how much he had heard. He said "I lost you right after hello" 
I took this opportunity to NOT repeat the rant and I am thankful he didn't hear it. Plus, it made me aware that sometimes, I really do use him as a sounding board! Been working on that myself!
__________________
Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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monique
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| Posted: Jan 19 2009 at 3:40pm | IP Logged
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Natalia wrote:
Monique, how do we recover this ability? What can we do to re-learn how to talk to our husbands again?
It is so easy to feel out of touch these days... |
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That is the million dollar question!  My MIL thinks it's a week away from the kids. Its hard though when you have little ones that need you so much. A friend told her that her husband and her refer to their getaways to Cancun marriage counseling. She says it takes about 3 days for her husband to start to relax and begin really talking.
I was thinking a marriage encounter weekend would be a great start.
I agree it is so easy to feel out of touch. I know I do. It's like we aren't on the same page about anything anymore. Let me know if anyone has other ideas!
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Monique
mom to 5
Raising Saints
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mimmyof5
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| Posted: Jan 19 2009 at 7:31pm | IP Logged
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Eight Wonders wrote:
Plus, we have to realize that men are by nature problem solvers. When we just want to chat and sort of work out our thoughts AS we talk, THEY are thinking, "Oh no, she wants me to figure out a solution." So, they either get stressed about that, or actually TRY To figure it out, and let's be honest, we are always flitting from one new mental project to another. There is no way for them to keep up!!! Also, my husband told me he felt a lot better leaving for work, after I explained to him that I tended to dump things on him and things were actually going well/normally etc., He told me that he felt much better leaving for work each day having confidence in my abilites and knowing that things were under control. If we seem scattered, stressed and unhappy, it really does affect their mental peace. They want us to be happy, and I think it is unnerving to them when we complain all the time. (Which is often how they view our chatting! We think we are just communicating, they see it as complaining! ) |
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Oh my goodness, I could have written your entire post. The part about men being problem solvers really stuck out for me. It took me over 18 years to figure this out. Poor man. I just wanted a sounding board, and he thought he had to fix every problem. I've learned so much over the years, and still have so much to improve on.
Janet
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Marcia
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| Posted: Jan 19 2009 at 8:55pm | IP Logged
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I love the notebook idea. I am going to start that.
I began a gratitude journal on Jan 1st this year just for this kind of trouble I was having! I was tending to use my hubby as a sounding board everytime we chatted during the day...and I wanted to be more positive. Now I have at least one thing written down every day to share positive with him about the day. (then I can pull out that notebook for things I need someone to just listen about).
My kids attack daddy when he comes home, but I pause momentarily for a little kiss and hello. Its a great collecting time.
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Victoria in AZ
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| Posted: Jan 22 2009 at 5:51pm | IP Logged
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Natalia wrote:
Sorry for asking so silly and shallow questions
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Natalia,
I found your question insightful and intelligent. It involves one small moment in my life that I remember with great clarity (which I'll get to in a bit). Once I read there was an actual study conducted that found the first few moments of a person's time arriving home will set the mood for the entire night, and I've found it can be true. Your question was not only intelligent, it was scientific! So I do make an effort to drop what I am doing and greet dh when he gets home. Before he arrives, I quickly tidy up the two rooms he will literally see first. If the dc are doing something noisy, I ask them to tone it down (tv, radio, etc.). Because we usually either eat or prepare dinner right away, there isn't time to hit him with my concerns
A few years ago a neighbor was over and we were playing a game with our kids. When dh got home from work, I interrupted her mid-sentence, put my finger up and said, "Excuse me one minute." Walked up dh, kissed him, asked how he was and pointed out that the neighbor was over. A while later the neighbor told me that she never greeted her dh. I was incredulous and wondered if she was joking. She repeated that if she and the kids are busy they never stop what they are doing to greet dh. She went on to share that once she had a meeting and was the last one home and realized it did not feel too good not to be greeted. Only a few short weeks later her dh left her for another woman and they are now divorced. So this is the moment I remember with great clarity when she told me how she admired that I interrupted her to greet dh.
Now please, I realize you, dear Natalia, do greet your dh. And anyone on this list of beautiful hs'ing moms knows to greet dh. I just felt compelled to share the importance of it. I personally believe it is also important to be off the telephone when he arrives home. When I am on the phone with my sisters and their dc get home from school, I tell them I am hanging up so they can greet their dc. Now that ds goes to community college, I also make an effort to stop what I am doing and greet him when he gets home.
Further along respecting dh, I realized I had a tendency to make my jobs become his jobs.
Tired of churning out waffles, ask dh to finish. Kids can't figure out the science instructions, ask Dad to do it when he gets home. On and on. Now of course my dh would swim through shark-infested waters to help me. That's not the point. The point is he has his own desires and projects and limited free time.
Boy do I relate to seeing hs'ing and parenting as an ongoing project and I can get intense about it too. Regarding your other caring question about the ability to talk to dh about items other than hs and children, you already jumped the first hurdle just by seeing it. Make a conscious effort to share the good things that happened. Find things to talk about that are not hs related by thinking about dh's interests and hobbies. There is an art to conversation after all. I share interesting or funny news stories (not negative ones though), perhaps something we learned about a saint, the history of the Church, geography (without it dissolving into a hs lesson!) that I think he'll enjoy. Ask him some fun questions like the ones that float around the blogs (meme's?)!
Once when we went out on a date, dh spent the entire dinner talking about stressful issues from his work. I realized he needed to vent, but we both felt bummed when the date was over and it the conversation had been so negative. Since then, we have tried not to talk about his work or mine (hs--ha ha ha). Just pretend you're newlyweds again 
Oh, and one (only one I promise) more thing. A few weeks ago I could see dh becoming overtired from a combo of things. I told him for one week he was taking a vacation from cooking (which he does plenty of), cleaning and chores. The kids and I took turns handling dinner and dishes. Dh came home and put his feet up. I had to make this conscious effort not to say one time, "Honey, could you _fill-in-the-blank_." It was hard for me to zip it. At the end of one week I saw that life went on fine without the light bulb immediately replaced, water filter renewed, new calendar hung, etc. etc. I saw that I tend to pile it on with the honey-do's at times. For now I am going to try writing honey-do's down so it's off my mind and then try to prioritize it for both of us. And dh wrote me a love note to say thanks for his week off. 
Your husband is blessed to have your questions, which for what it's worth, I found to be neither silly nor shallow.
__________________
Your sister in Christ,
Victoria in AZ
dh Mike 24 yrs; ds Kyle 18; dd Katie 12; and one funny pug
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