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Lisbet
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Laura, big families have unique issues to deal with just as small families do. I was specifically asking for support from large families dealing with rude comments.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Tonya
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I remember when my twins (now 9) went out with just me, everyone would flock around them and say how adorable they were. If I went out with all six, we would just get stares and comments. They were the same, cute adorable babies! To be honest, now that I only have four at home, I kind of miss the stares.
And Laura, I know what you mean about family size. I had my twins at 37 and was never able to get pregnant again. I always felt like I had to explain myself to my Catholic friends that it wasn't my choice to not have anymore. It goes both ways, large or small, that it is God who plans our family.
Tonya
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MarilynW
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missionfamily wrote:
Imagine me with my five little boys in tow and my now obvious pregnant belly...If one more person says in front of my kids, "I sure hope this is a girl..." I think I'm going to scream...and the whole "you must be a saint thing"...one day I'm waiting for one of my kids to pipe up and tell them the truth about me! The biggest problem for me,is that being out and about drains me as it is, and these kindsof comments for some reason turn me into an overwhelmed drippy mess. I always just want to climb into my van, get home and hide for a few days. I never seem to be able to respond intelligently.
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O Colleen - bless you! I find the same thing - I always have wonderfully wise things planned to say - but end up getting defensive and sounding so. I have to say that the very worst thing I have had so far is "You have 5 healthy children, don't you think you are tempting fate."  Close second is - are you doing this in the hope of having another girl.
My husband is always totally composed. When asked if we are done - he always calmly responds that we are about half way through. When asked "don't you have a tv" he happily responds that he has MUCH better things to do than watch tv. He never flaps at the questions. When asked the girl question he says that he would love another girl but he really has his heart set on having a whole soccer team full of boys!!
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Marilyn
Blessed with 6 gifts from God
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JodieLyn
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Oh Laura, I know just what you mean. The comments are different but people are being rude and poking their noses into business that should be between you and your dh and God.
Marilyn, I love the soccer team of boys  I've had one person ask me (in a friendly manner) if we were going for a baseball team.. well.. I said.. "nope Lacrosse" We're part of the lacrosse club that's just starting up and Lacrosse and baseball are generally in competition for the kids since they're both spring sports.. lots of "rivalry" type paraphenalia.. person never heard of it so it was my own private joke.. besides I think baseball has 9 players on the field? lacrosse has 10. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
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Martha
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well on a lighter note, to the end of my days I will never, ever forget being about to pop with our 5th and 4 littles in tow and a cashier at wackomart snidely saying, "Haven't you heard of the pill!?"
to which dh, who saw I was about to totally not say something nice after hearing this and many other rude comments from various people the entire 2 hours we'd been trying to get our shopping done rescued me by smiling wide, rubbing my big belly and saying in a joyous voice, "OH yeah! That viagra is the best thing to ever happen to us!"
I tell you you could have heard a pin drop from 4 aisles away b/c it was obvious that everyone was rather stunned by the size of our family and listening in.
I didn't think it was very funny at the time and wanted to just fall into a hole in the ground or thump dh.
Now I grudgingly admit it was hilarious, but he has promised to never to that to me again. 
then there's the cashier who looked at me and asked "are they all yours?" and I said yes
then she looks at dh and asks him the same question! to which he kind of looked befuddled, smiled and said, "so she tells me and I tend to believe her!"
The minute he said it the cashier figured out that her question about whether we are a blended family or not should have been clear with just MY answer.
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Martha
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Yes, they're all ours!
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PDyer
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Tonya wrote:
I always felt like I had to explain myself to my Catholic friends that it wasn't my choice to not have anymore. It goes both ways, large or small, that it is God who plans our family.
Tonya |
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Right - o!
Imagine my horror when someone stated he thought the reason we have "only two" is because one of us has been surgically altered. I felt I had to correct the person even though...ew, none of your business!
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Patty
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JodieLyn
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Martha wrote:
well on a lighter note, to the end of my days I will never, ever forget being about to pop with our 5th and 4 littles in tow and a cashier at wackomart snidely saying, "Haven't you heard of the pill!?"
to which dh, who saw I was about to totally not say something nice after hearing this and many other rude comments from various people the entire 2 hours we'd been trying to get our shopping done rescued me by smiling wide, rubbing my big belly and saying in a joyous voice, "OH yeah! That viagra is the best thing to ever happen to us!"
I tell you you could have heard a pin drop from 4 aisles away b/c it was obvious that everyone was rather stunned by the size of our family and listening in.
I didn't think it was very funny at the time and wanted to just fall into a hole in the ground or thump dh.
Now I grudgingly admit it was hilarious, but he has promised to never to that to me again.
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Oh Martha.. how incredibly embarassing.. yet hilarious at the same time
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Red Cardigan
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cactus mouse wrote:
Red Cardigan wrote:
| when my mom told a couple (older man, young blond woman) that one day she'd have grandchildren and memories while they'd just have syphilis |
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Ew. |
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Well, in Mom's defense, we were downtown Chicago in one of those doctor's offices that was in an office building in the 1970s, she'd already heard from the Dr. and the nurses all the usual ("Five kids already? You must be crazy!) etc., and the unmarried but very clingy couple on the elevator decided to ask her in front of us some rather graphic questions about her marital activities.
Maybe that's why I hate to hear of larger families suffering from this kind of thing: from the rude comments to hostile treatment in restaurants when we were traveling ("With a party this large you should have called ahead--and there will be an automatic 15% gratuity, etc.") to having smirking people count the number of kids getting out of the van--IN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH PARKING LOT in our new town one year--my childhood was full of evidence of how much American society hates large families.
That's why I say to those who make comments back--keep doing it. It's not politically correct to be rude in public to anyone else, but somehow people think it's perfectly okay to shove their contraceptive mentality in the faces of parents--and children--who come from families blessed with more than the average number of kids. Saying something, especially when you're being treated rudely by waiters or store clerks or others who would lose their jobs if they were this rude to anyone else, is something that will help your children realize that the problem isn't your "weird" family--it's the jerks out there who haven't a clue how to react to anything more than a typical TV family.
You don't have to be confrontational or as Irish-tempered as my mom, of course. But I would say at the very least that asking the offender politely, "Why do you feel comfortable being so rude to me? Are you bigoted against families like mine?" is a perfectly legitimate set of questions to ask.
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SarahA
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Happy Epiphany! While pregnant with our 4th (oldest 2 are boys, #3 is a girl) people asked why we hadn't stopped since we had our girl. Now she's the middle one, still only girl. And yes, I hate it when people ask me if we're waiting for another girl in front of my boys--as if they're not good enough!
My husband has taken to answering in the following way, when asked when we'll be done "well, we need all the kids to work the farm" to which they ask "you don't have a farm, do you?" and then he answers "so, it's not that I have too many kids, I just don't have enough acreage." It generally stops the line of questioning.
I've found that my attitude when asked is different based on how I'm feeling. If I've had a rough day, feeling harrassed enough by the kids (not behaving in the store, not getting help at home, etc) I'm more flustered and not able to give a response that shows I think the children are a blessing from God, which is what I think the proper answer should show. So, I've had to steel myself when going into situations where I'm not feeling great about my maternal qualities, in order that I'll be in the right frame of mind when faced with rudeness. A quick prayer would probably do the trick, or just a "I'm blessed, I'm blessed..." repeated...
Most of it is just ignorance, or really just sheer amazement, and we should use it as a teachable moment, both for strangers and for our children who overhear it. I've encountered people who start off snide, and end up amazed that I'm so upbeat with so much going on, or that I've got so much patience with the kids (I always smile broadly and laugh inwardly at that) I always hope that maybe the experience has changed the person's point of view of big families, and that at least they won't assume the worst (whatever that is) next time.
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Sarah
Army wife, Mama to (so far...) 2 boys, 1 girl, then 2 more boys
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Dawnie
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Lisa,
I've come to hate going to the grocery store with all the kids by myself. People say something to me almost everytime. One time, a lady--a total stranger--looked at all my girls and my pregnant belly and asked if I had all girls. I said, "Yes." with a smile. She then asked if the baby I was carrying was a girl. I said "Yes." again with a smile. She then came over to me and said, "In the South, we say that if you have all girls it means your husband is a good lover!"
I was totally embarrassed and couldn't say anything. At least she said it in a low voice so my kids didn't hear!
I feel more sensitive, too, when I'm pregnant, and I haven't been confronted with the kind of rudeness you have been. I think most people are just surprised to see our large family and me with an obvious pregnant belly. My strategy has been to avoid going out with all the kids alone and to answer sweetly and happily when asked questions.
It is very hard when people move from just "making conversation" to cutting comments. After Mass on New Years' Day, the lady sitting behind us said, "You have your hands full! I don't envy you!" The kids had not been well-behaved and I felt emotionally drained. I just felt deflated when she said that to me and lamely attempted to smile. I don't think she meant to hurt me, but I was hurt. Maybe we can offer up the hurt these kinds of comments cause as a prayer??
Dawn
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Bookswithtea
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I had an interesting thing happen to me when I was pg with #6. I had my kids with me, and I had several of my friend's children with me as well. I think I had 9 or 10 with me, plus the very large belly. Their kids mixed in well with mine and it looked very much like they were all mine (although no one actually asked).
What I discovered is that people look and respond differently to me with my 6 than they do to families that are 9 or more. I get comments, but with that crowd, I got horrified looks, people parting the sea, so to speak, and very bold staring. It was a real eye opener to me because I thought I had heard it all. And the kids were not particularly ill behaved, either.
Lisbet, you have my sympathy. Honestly, I think I'd get myself one of those t shirts (my favorite one is, "its not my hands that are full, its my heart") when I was headed out, and hope that people would read it instead of asking me all the time. I don't mind being asked kindly. What I don't like is when people act as though children are a nightmare ("Oh, I couldn't handle it, I got fixed blah blah blah"). This makes me feel very uncomfortable because my children are listening and its sometimes very insulting toward them.
It is harder when pregnant. I think the comments are more negative because being pg announces to everyone that you clearly *aren't* done, and that seems to irritate some people.
I don't have a great response. I usually answer vaguely, and try to be polite and say something like, "I love having a large family" along with, "No, this isn't all of them, one of them is missing".
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mothering ds'93 dd'97 dd'99 dd'02 ds'05 ds'07 and  due 9/10
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12stars
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I have so been there and when I was pg with #5 I felt almost embarrased at the beginning of my preganancy with him. I felt like a outcast and I felt abandoned by my dh family and friends. Their comments were so hurtful and somehow through all that at the end, right before he was born I knew and had always known that I am not here to make anyone happy other than God and my dh and children.
I really prayed about this because I felt so alone, how funny how do you feel that with so many children. My priorities were a bit off I guess. At the end I felt the grace of God carry me through all the negativity. Now I feel more open to life than I ever did, it is just unfortunate so many aren't.
Be proud Lisbet, you have a beautiful family that Our Good Lord has blessed and has found favor with you to carry so much.
I think he asks this from all of us, but so many people are closed to life and make everyone around them know this.
ETA: I also wanted to say that every time anyone came to me with their comments I was able to share as to why we are open to life and I would say a prayer for that person, I prayed a lot during that pregnancy .
Sometimes we go through these things for the better and we can always use these opportunities to evangelize through our family situations. I would hear so many mamas complain with just 1 or 2 children. They need all the prayers they can get.
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Claudia in Southern California
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Alcat
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I really try to be charitable, and normally I'm a very polite person and just smile and nod. However, when I'm in a mood or sleep deprived things just pop out of my mouth- especially if it's the "don't you know what causes that?" question (I don't know why people think my bedroom is their business!  ) Much to my husbands dismay I've answered that question with "Yes, and obviously we are good at it!" or "Yes, can't you see we like it!" really, I haven't meant to be that bawdy but, like I said my mouth gets ahead of my brain sometimes.
Al
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Angi
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Alcat wrote:
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That is what I been known to say. Dh just cracks up when I do that.
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12stars
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Alcat I like those!!!
Seriously though, just like you I have to be very tired or sleep deprived to say snarky comments like that.
On the other hand sometimes we have to say thngs like that to quiet them up.
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Claudia in Southern California
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monique
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I often get the "you've got you're hands full" comment. I try to just say, "Yes, we've been blessed." It usually puts me in a better more charitable mood also to say that.
Hugs, Lisa, you do have a beautiful family.
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Monique
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Syncletica
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I've been fortunate enough not to get very many negative comments at all. Sometimes when people say, "Wow, are your hands ever full!" I'll reply, "Yup. Better full than empty." Smile and carry on.
On Christmas Eve, we went to the grocery store to get a few items. There was a taxi van parked to the left with the driver inside. I opened the door so the children could get out that side while I got the baby out of the other side. My 7 year old got out and walked towards the taxi van, looking at her reflection in the drivers' window, unaware she was basically staring at the driver. I had to laugh and tell her not to stare. The driver started laughing too. I thought it was b/c of that. As I got to the other side, he opened his window and asked, "Are they all yours? .....No...." "Yes, they are." I replied with a big smile. I've never seen someone wipe away their smile so fast. "No comment." I was not expecting that and of course my defensive streak showed up. Removed my smile and retorted, "Just as well." "Hey?" "Just as well." "No comment." Ugh. What a way to wish someone a Merry Christmas.
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insegnante
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I never realized the "hands full" comment would be taken negatively? My kids aren't closely spaced, and even when we had only 2 and neither was a baby anymore, I've heard that and been sure it wasn't implied that they were more than I personally could handle, let alone that there were too many of them per se.
I can see why it would not always be welcome regardless, but are people really giving such strong nonverbal cues that it's not just well-meant chitchat? If a child is being a bit unruly, a person might think it's supportive -- "She might feel bad or self-conscious... I'm acknowledging that most people wouldn't be able to perfectly rein 4 little kids in at once 100% of the time." Or they might just be chatty people who say something whenever they notice much of anything.
I'm not denying that you all get other horribly rude comments and that people should know better with those -- I've gotten a slight taste of it already with only 3, e.g., having someone look at me when I was pregnant and say "I hope it's a girl" in front of our two boys. 
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Theresa
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JodieLyn
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oh yes the tone can say it in a negative way. Basically implying that your hands are full because there's too many kids.
most people don't.. they just notice you and want to comment and it is generally a fairly neutral comment. and I really try not to take it negatively.
It's just everyone seems to think it's original and when you hear it several times every time you leave the house or even each store (or at least it seems that way) it's hard not to sigh when it comes out of someone's mouth yet again.
And I do try and respond appropriately. Someone who is looking fairly good natured and friendly might get a reply from me like "yes but I'm learning to juggle" said with a smile/laugh. But mostly, when you can hear it from what seems like every other person in a store.. and it already takes too long when you're shopping with many small children. Even the minute or so to carry on a conversation with each person just takes a chunk of time. So mostly my response is now a friendly smile and nod and I keep going.
You know one of my favorite things though is.. my kids are very friendly with everyone we meet. And I would notice the slight scowls on the faces of people seeing us coming.. whether it was from us (let's face it 6 kids playing that the shopping cart is a boat aren't terribly quiet though they were contained) or not.. and we'd get close and pass them and all the kids would smile and wave and I'm not sure I've ever noticed someone not smile back. 
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Barbara C.
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I was watching one of those shows on TLC about big families, and one of the mom's (of 17, I think) had a great answer when people asked if they planned to stop. She said, "We'll stop when one of them comes out ugly, but so far that hasn't happened yet."
One thing I have learned from all of you is that it's not how many you have, it's how many you have under the age of six. That's when you really have your hands full. Of course when you have more experience and lots of olders to lend helping hands, it's probably a lot easier than only having two or three and no extra helpers.
So, even though I don't have a large family, I am always quick to defend them when those types of conversations come up.
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Barbara
Mom to "spirited" dd(9), "spunky" dd (6), "sincere" dd (3), "sweet" dd (2), and baby girl #5 born 8/1/12!!
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: How do you answer (lg. family comments)
