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tovlo4801
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| Posted: Nov 17 2005 at 10:40am | IP Logged
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teachingmom wrote:
One thing my pastor touched on again and again in all three of the sessions is that our husband should act as a spiritual director for us. By that he meant that God has put husbands in a headship role that gives them the grace to help us discern things, just as a spiritual director does.
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Really good point! I went to see a local priest who is very wise and orthodox last year to help me sort out some things about how active I should be in our community. He was very helpful, and offered to meet with me any time I needed it in the future, but ended the meeting by reminding me that marriage grants special graces and that the first place I should turn for guidance is my husband. I've not forgotten that and I think that is a very good perspective for how to see this relationship.
Thanks!
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Nov 17 2005 at 11:03am | IP Logged
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A thought and a question:
I think submission is where I meditate most when I wonder if I'm being a good wife. Since Bill was gone for the past year, things are a little out of whack with the headship issue, although the transition was easier than we expected.
We found that book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman really helpful. I found that my first instinct was not to love my husband in the way he needs to feel loved. In fact it turned out to be my very last instinct. For example, I might kill myself cleaning the house (act of service) when what he really wants is for me to say, "Thank you for doing the dishes tonight." (affirmation) Since what he really needs is what I least want to do, it has been a good opportunity for me to die to myself. I feel that little acts of submission help me work towards a better role in larger issues.
I love the point that the pastor mentioned above made about the husband being the spiritual head of the family not the priest. My challenge is that my husband is the only non-Catholic in our family and his interest in spiritual matters is much less than mine. He is prayerful and thoughtful on spiritual subjects, but not usually communicative with me about those thoughts. So I feel like I'm left in the position of taking charge of spiritual matters by default. I don't want it to be that way, but I don't know how to change. Any thoughts?
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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Willa
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| Posted: Nov 17 2005 at 11:10am | IP Logged
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teachingmom wrote:
| She seemed to get direction and then feel under obedience (which is not a part of spiritual direction, by the way) to comply with it, regardless of what her husband thought of the matter. It sounded like she took her director's words to be God's direct words, and then reported them to her husband. He seemed to be left with just accepting things. |
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Wow, thanks for sharing this, Irene.
You are blessed to have a priest like that 
It accords with my own experience. When I bring my problems to my DH he seems able to weed through the extraneous and come to the heart of the matter. He is a talented man and very intelligent but I always feel it is more the graces the sacrament gives him, than just intelligence I've learned to trust his "instincts" on this kind of thing. He has been right about SO many things.
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Dec 11 2005 at 9:31pm | IP Logged
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My friend mentioned this book today, Saintly Solutions, specifically in reference to this issue. Has anyone read it? Reviews?
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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teachingmom
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| Posted: Dec 11 2005 at 11:43pm | IP Logged
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Hi Rachel,
I am so glad that you bumped this topic back up again -- not because I know anything about the book you mention (I don't) -- but because I meant to go back and address your last question and never got around to it.
Rachel May wrote:
A thought and a question:
I love the point that the pastor mentioned above made about the husband being the spiritual head of the family not the priest. My challenge is that my husband is the only non-Catholic in our family and his interest in spiritual matters is much less than mine. He is prayerful and thoughtful on spiritual subjects, but not usually communicative with me about those thoughts. So I feel like I'm left in the position of taking charge of spiritual matters by default. I don't want it to be that way, but I don't know how to change. Any thoughts?
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My pastor addressed your situation too in the talk I mentioned previously. It's been so long that I'll have to work to remember how he phrased things. I remember that he said that even non-Catholic, or non-religious husbands can be a useful spiritual director in many ways. Of course, we can never allow anyone, including our husbands, to cause us to commit sin. But, I think he said something about the grace of the sacrament (I guess this all presupposes a sacramental marriage) providing a more secular husband with the wisdom to fill the role of director in so far as he is able. I sort of envisioned that he was saying something like the following: If your priest/spiritual director were to tell you that it is important that you engage in a particular spiritual activity (like an overnight retreat, for example), but your husband is against it, you should trust that God is working through your husband and honor his request.
My pastor said something about how often he prepares couples for marriage in which the wife is much more spiritual than the husband. He worries about this phenomenon. He said that as parents we should really encourage our daughters to realize that they should only marry someone who they know they can look to as their spiritual leader/director.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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Willa
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| Posted: Dec 12 2005 at 10:20am | IP Logged
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teachingmom wrote:
| My pastor said something about how often he prepares couples for marriage in which the wife is much more spiritual than the husband. He worries about this phenomenon. He said that as parents we should really encourage our daughters to realize that they should only marry someone who they know they can look to as their spiritual leader/director. |
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I think part of the key to this phenomenon is that womens' spirituality is (generally speaking) just plain different from mens'. Women are naturally more receptive than men, for one thing. It has its good side and bad side. The good side is that it is "easier" for women to connect emotionally and spiritually with our religion. But we are meant to complement each other, as spouses.
Articles Feminine Genius
Alice von Hildebrand on Feminism and feminity
I think we need to encourage our daughters to look for spiritual leaders and our boys to be prepared to BE spiritual leaders, but it may not look exactly like what we would THINK it might look like, all the time. In some ways that's a good thing. Vive la difference 
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Willa
hsing boys ages 11, 14, almost 18 (+ 4 homeschool grads ages 20 to 27)
Take Up and Read
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Rachel May
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| Posted: Dec 12 2005 at 9:07pm | IP Logged
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Do you every lose threads? I know I do. I'm glad we found this one again, though.
On our first date, my husband took me out to lunch. I will never forget seeing him bow his head and pray over his food. I remember thinking, "Finally!" Still, what you think you know about someone and what you actually know are different. For example, I feel like I am no more or less intersted in my faith since college when we met (and I was a religion major), but he thinks I've a religious fanatic.  I'm just working hard to live my faith.
I will say though that I did get carried away with volunteering at church in Hawaii, to the point where he probably would have told me to back off if I would have let him have a word in. I do have this one issue of obsitnancy that seems to come up in every confession, so that even if he suggested something, I would have a hard time listening and doing what he said.
I remember hearing a recorded talk of Alice von Hildebrand on that topic and thinking that it was very good. I'm going to read the article when I get a chance.
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Rachel
Thomas and Anthony (10), Maria (8), Charles (6), Cecilia (5), James (3), and Joseph (1)
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4Real Forums : Tea and Conversation
Topic: Treating dh as head of family
