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Lisbet
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 10:50am | IP Logged
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...i hope this is the proper forum.
Dh and I had a very heated discussion this morning, and I guess I have to be honest with myself and come to terms with the fact that we will most likely not begin building for another year, maybe more. He is terribly concerned with money ~ I believe overly concerned - to the point that I feel we may truly never move b/c of his concerns.
So this is what I am having a very difficult time with - 11 - soon to be 12 of us in this 1500 square foot house. I have worked very very hard over the years to make our space as accomdating for our family as possible. I don't know how much more I can do. We are simply growing out of it. We have 1 and 1/2 baths, a small kitchen, small dining room, decent living room, and that's all of our living space ~ we all literally live in these three small rooms. The basement is not finish-able, if we add on, we will cut into our 40x120 yard. 
Tony says I just need to make it work, I have such a hard time when I have bruises on both of my hips from hitting furniture as I walk through the dining room. Every piece of furniture we have gets alot of use so I can't figure out what to do away with. It stings when he says I need to offer it up. 
Our outside space is so very small and I have boys that want to run and ride, girls that want to garden, and neighbors that can't keep their eyes on their side of the fence. Tony's solution is to take them places. (the park, pool, etc...) I suspect you all understand how difficult and exhausting that is...
I was working so hard at being a more meek and quiet wife, and I blew it all in one 20 minute arguement this morning.
I keep asking myself if I'm being unreasonable - and I don't think that I am. I understand his POV to a degree, but he has a tendancy to get really really stressed about finances, even though he has a good job and we are not lacking.
I am having a very hard time with this.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Heliodora
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 10:57am | IP Logged
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You can do it! LOL
Say a novena to St. Joseph. Pray to your husband's guardian angel to light a fire under his feet. St. Joseph always comes through for us, in big ways.
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Prove all things, hold fast that which is good. -1 Thessalonians 5:21
Heliotropium
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amyable
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 11:24am | IP Logged
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 Lisa, many, many hugs. Maybe I'm just "hormotional" but my heart is breaking for you.
I know it stings when dh's say "offer it up". It feels like you're not being heard. But I bet you really are. Dh's just don't always know how to express that.
I agree with heliodora that it sounds like right now (as always, LOL) prayer is your biggest asset. Maybe I shouldn't do this, but I sometimes try to offer up my pain back into the situation: "God, I'm offering up this horrible frustration to make my dh's heart like yours on this matter, to help me see the good in it, to help me figure out how to survive this small crowded house." (those are my words as we are in similar circumstances although with fewer kids -your must be that much harder!) But you CAN do it, because you have to, right?
I can probably think of a few practical things, but I bet you have thought about them already, and I'm wondering if you don't just want lots of hugs and prayerse rather than someone to tell you what to do?
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of 
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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missionfamily
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 11:49am | IP Logged
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Lisa--You didn't blow it all in 20 minutes...you blew that 20 minutes  , what happens from there is yet to be determined. If you can recover in grace, repent and forgive, it's only twenty minutes. It's also a lot easier said than done  .
The biggest problem with this type of argument, especially for a pregnant mom, is that it is an energy sapper. Any motivation you did have for the day just sort of shrinks into your frustration and makes you just want to hide in bed for the rest of the day. The anxiety makes your sickies worse too. That makes the snowball effect rather devastating.
SOOOOOO....take this hug , say nine Memorares, and sit down for 20 minutes with something nutritious you can stomach. Read YOUR favorite picture book to the kids and use as many silly voices and facial expressions as you can. See if you can compliment them all in half an hour. Serve lunch, take a nap, and plan to cook a really lovely dinner for Tony tonight....and then let us know how you feel!
So there's my bossy pants tension-melting advice...I only give it in this way because when I'm pregnant, emotional, and sick, I just want someone to put on the mommy voice and tell me exactly what I should do.
Lucky for you, I'm good at that !
__________________
Colleen
dh Greg
mom to Quinn,Gabriel, Brendan,Evan, Kolbe, and sweet St. Bryce
Footprints on the Fridge
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Lisbet
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 12:05pm | IP Logged
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You are all THE most awesome bunch of mama friends a gal could hope for. Thank you.
__________________
Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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Taffy
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 12:08pm | IP Logged
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Lisa, you CAN do this.  Don't ask me how but you asked us to tell you that you can do it...
We also have limited space and funds to move. We have been looking at mobile homes and modular homes. The modular homes generally are a better price option than building on-site and their quality has come a long way.
If we knew we were going to be living here to old age, we would look into building one of these. They seem to be very economical to both build and maintain and some of their arrangements look very roomy indeed.
I had "one of those days" yesterday and one of those "heated discussions" with my dh last weekend - you have my empathy.
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Susan
Mom to 5 on earth and 1 in heaven
Susan's Soliloquy
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happymama
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 1:24pm | IP Logged
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When I am longing for "wide open spaces" for my kids, you know what has helped a lot? Look at photos of inner-cities from around the world. Millions of people (including the kids!) crammed into apartment buildings 30 stories high. Millions. Granted, they probably don't have more than a couple kids, but no back yard, no driveway, common walls and hallways and elevators.
My dh is also super, super cautious with money, and it does drive me nuts sometimes, but our marriages are worth so, so much more than our day-to-day comforts, aren't they? I find that when my marriage is happy, then everything IS doable. Hang in there!
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SusanJ
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 1:27pm | IP Logged
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Lisa,
Prayers for you. I'm always re-resolving to be the meek and quiet wife. I don't know your dh, obviously, but I'm sure he wants wants best and whatever you said/did in those twenty minutes you probably made clear what you want! Maybe he was having last-minute cold feet about the whole project? Maybe the Lord has something really amazing in mind for you in that tiny house for another year. Give it over to prayer and I'll pray for your energy and patience through all this.
Susan
__________________
Mom to Joseph-8, Margaret-6, William-4, Gregory-2, and new little one due 11/1
Life Together
[URL=http://thejohnstonkids.blogspot.com]The Kids' Blog[/UR
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LisaR
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 1:38pm | IP Logged
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There is a beautiful Church in our town,(St Philomena) about 3 miles away, so our next closest Church. It was lovingly raised and built in the 1940's-'50's, and a grid with city blocks was formed and Catholic faithful began to build and move in. Most of thsoe families still live in our town, and I love hearing the stories that accompany every home. These homes were mostly cape-cod style, with one story really, and a large one or two rooms on the second floor. Most of them are between 1200-1400 sf, with tiny postage sized yards. some of our friends grew up in "St Phil's" neighborhood, one of 6, 9, or even 12 kids. Some of them are raising their large Catholic families there today. It is where we first tried to move when we relocated here, but the homes were in high demand!
I try to look to examples of families that have and make do with less, not more, and I cling to those stories of the Catholic families here in town who built their 1200 sf "dream home" and raised quite large and loving families.
I have heard from many that now is the time (financially, due to a shakey time that might grow worse, not better)
to "hunker down" and stay put.
We've heard many regrets lately of families who thought they were ok, but rising gas commute costs, coupled with having to dig new wells, septic, etc have pushed them into financial ruin.
Praying for you and your family. It must be hard to have your hopes up and then be disappointed.
Praying for your neighbors too! may they all have conversions of heart and treat you all with respect.
You also have MANY more 20 min to make up for the one that has past.
One minute at a time.
praying memorares for you today!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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LisaR
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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Lisbet wrote:
It stings when he says I need to offer it up.
is. |
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my dh says this often. he is the type that could live in a one room mud hut and eat beans every day.
He grew up quite wealthy, and then they literally went from riches to rags overnight (due to very poor decisions) From having a large custom built home (for their fmaily of 10) and vacation home to renting a condemned home with no electricity and no running water.
especially with housing he is very cautious and never wants us to feel attached too much or that our happiness depends on where we live.
When I feel frustrated with this line of thinking I am apt to snap back with "yes, but I"M the one who has to live in this 24/7, YOU get to dash off to the office for 9 hours a day 
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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JodieLyn
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 2:14pm | IP Logged
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we're soon to be 10 in 1096sqft
benches push clear in under the table so free up more walking room when not in use.. we also push the dining table to the wall for the same issue.. but it's at one end of our living room.. the tiny dining area of the tiny kitchen is my office area plus kitchen overflow..
there are no coffee tables or such in the living room giving more space that way.. if the kids want a short table like that.. we grab a bench from the dining table to use for a time.
and when I'm up to my eyebrows in frustration I try to listen to the song by Doug Stone "Little Houses" it portrays the smallness as good and a bit light hearted which helps me with perspective.
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Jodie, wife to Dave
G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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Jenny
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 2:15pm | IP Logged
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A man's anger is usually rooted in fear, I have found.
Feeding, clothing, housing, loving, taking care of & spending time with a family of 11, & thoughts of moving, maybe overwhelming, today. Give all things time, including yourself. Isn't it funny that when we make a resolve, for example to be meek & quiet, God gives us the opportunity 
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Jenny
Chris' wife and momma of 7. My blog: The Littlest Way--Bible Journaling, Inspiring Bible Quotes, Daily Affirmations, Prayer Journaling & photography
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LisaR
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 2:21pm | IP Logged
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PS we get water in our basement now (dh had finished it 6 years ago when we moved in )
and it is back down to concrete floor and dehumidifier running constantly. yet we use it every single day. I don;t think it is the most cheerful/clean place, but a slab of concrete (mainly dry) and a pile of matchbox cars can entertain for longer than I think!!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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jdostalik
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 3:05pm | IP Logged
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I can relate to your situation very well, Lisa! My dh is very worried about our finances, though he does make a good living and we have a nice home (not a new custom home but a late 60's ranch but it is sufficient for our needs).
I often get upset with him when I feel like we need to spend some of his hard-earned money and he balks and starts worrying. This is in his nature, too. His father died when he was 6 years old and his mother had to raise him and his three older sisters by getting a job as a bank teller. He is a generous man at heart but fear lurks beneath the surface when it comes to big financial investments...
I will pray for you and Tony--you are a good wife and mother--20 minutes can be fixed lickety split with a good meal and a sincere and loving embrace.
Hang in there and much love to you.
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God Bless,
Jennifer in TX
wife to Bill, mom to six here on earth and eight in heaven.
Let the Little Ones Come
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joann10
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Remember my family, Lisa!! We are 12 people,(some very big people) in 900 square feet. We all can't stand in the kitchen, we have three bedrooms with 4 people in each room(including mine-2 cribs) 1 bathroom--but alot of love!! We can all eat dinner together at the table, we just can't walk through the room at the time.
We have alot of love, alot of together time, alot of frustration sometimes, and many opportunities for be grateful for what we have.
Just try to remember what matters the most--beautiful healthly children--yours certainly are - your families salvation, and the great love you have for one another. No matter what size your house is.
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LisaR
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 4:08pm | IP Logged
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Joann, I still cherish the photos you posted (here? your blog??) viewing the interior of your home, in my memory.
you gave me lots of great ideas and encouragement. thanks for that!!
__________________
Lisa
dh Tim '92
Joseph 17
Paul 14
Thomas 11
Dominic 8
Maria Gianna 5
Isaac Vincent 9/21/10! and...
many little saints in heaven!
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amyable
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| Posted: June 25 2008 at 4:25pm | IP Logged
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LisaR wrote:
Joann, I still cherish the photos you posted (here? your blog??) viewing the interior of your home, in my memory.
you gave me lots of great ideas and encouragement. thanks for that!! |
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Could Joann or someone redirect me to those (or pics of any of your small houses/large families)? I am always on the lookout about how to make our own house work better.
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Amy
mom of 5, ages 6-16, and happy wife of
The Highly Sensitive Homeschooler
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teachingmyown
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Lisa,
Just a thought, can you add another level to your house? We researched this when we were in our little rambler and found it is less expensive to build "up" than to build "out". That way you don't lose any yard, either.
Joann, you are amazing! 
__________________
In Christ,
Molly
wife to Court & mom to ds '91, dd '96, ds '97, dds '99, '01, '03, '06, and dss '07 and 01/20/11
Remembering Today
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mimmyof5
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My husband grew up in a family of fourteen. The original house was an old farmhouse with one bedroom. They added on another bedroom at some point after a few children. I'm guessing before that they had a crib in the parent's room and I think one in the dining room. Well, finally they dug a basement. My m-i-l (a believer in hard work) got all the kids that were big enough organized one summer, and told them they were going to dig to China. My fil was able to do alot of the work himself, and by the time school started they had a basement. The bedroom upstairs was for the 5 girls, and the 9 boys shared the bottom basement with army style beds hooked to the walls. Each kid had one drawer for clothes and a few hangers for church and school clothes.
It's funny nowadays to think about people living like that. For them it was just normal. They did have several acres to run around on so that probably helped alot. It didn't seem to hurt them any. All my husband's siblings are upstanding, respectable people. They all worked they way through college. In fact, I'm always in awe of his family. They are a pretty amazing group of people.
I don't know if that helped any, but when I think of them it reminds me there's always a way to work around things. Maybe a basement or second floor would be much less money than building another house.
It's really hard on our husbands today. My husband is the only man whose wife doesn't work and has more than 2 kids in his office. It's a huge responsibility they shoulder, and largely they do it alone without support at their jobs. Money is tight. That was as much for me as for anyone because I do get tired of hearing about our finances all the time.
What is that saying? Necessity is the mother of invention. There must be a lot of creative, space saving ideas on the internet to try.
You have a beautiful family full of love.
Janet
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Jess
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Oh Lisa, you CAN do this! I agree with praying about it and enlisting the help of St. Joseph.
You know, we could actually learn from you as far as organization and space saving tips since you have implemented them in your home.
I think the bench idea at the table is a great one. My dh is going to make us a kitchen table someday and I might ask him to make benches to go with it.
We don't have as many kids as you do (hope to someday) but our house is what we are going to have to live in for as long as we live here probably, so we have to make the best of it (it is 1400sqft I think). Any ideas we can give you and you can give us would help us all.
I really enjoyed seeing how you do it Joann, you are an inspiration!
__________________
God bless,
Jess
+JMJ+
wife to dh('96)
mama to dd(13), dd(11), ds(9), dd(6), and dd (2), and baby girl born Sept 14!
star cottage
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Tell me I CAN do this.
