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momtimesfour
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 2:57pm | IP Logged
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LisaR wrote:
We have had the opposite result, with our ds in a very strong Catholic High School this past year as a freshman. ...
I think ds started to thrive on external (out of the home) motivators around age 13. Boy Scouts (he is almost done with Eagle project!), Jobs, another teacher besides me, etc. really helped him to mature. ...
we went through the video game thing too.
for every article saying how "evil" they were, I could find one which said how helpful they were for pilots, engineers, etc and the eye/hand coordination, blah blah blah....
ds has no clue what he wants to do when he "grows up" but we do not buy into the "teen" mentality at all. we talk to him with respect, and just assume that he will in return.
sure he is squirrley, but I do not react to his emotional ups and downs, and he is starting to mellow out.
I think being very busy leaves not alot of room for "teen-ish" behaviour. dh always has a job going- reroofing, reflooring, landscaping, etc that also keeps ds's plenty worn out as well.
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I admit to giggling about the former pro-player with the bumper sticker.  I've wondered about the external motivation. When we moved, we had trouble finding a Boy Scout Troop nearby. We are working on that now and have decided that Scouts was a very good experience for him before. It's now a priority. I will talk to my husband, though, about more ideas for role models, work, and other motivators.
We are struggling with the teen mentality - I strongly believe it's a result of having responsibility stripped from them in the name of "preserving their childhood" as long as possible. Just this morning I talked to him about what life might have been like just 100 years ago - he would likely have had to help us on a farm or go to work, he'd have been more directly responsible for helping get meat on the table, he'd have had many more chores and responsibilities. He responded well to the discussion when I said that we are trying to help him over these next few years to practice and sharpen his adulthood skills.
As to jobs around the house... I'm seriously thinking of asking my husband to let ds figure out how to install a new faucet.
Thank you for your thoughts! 
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momtimesfour
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 4:26pm | IP Logged
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LisaR wrote:
Do you think certain areas of the country have a stronger attitude than others about work ethic for teens? or that certain areas "need" or "value" teens more for jobs??? |
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I don't know. It would be interesting to research.
Now that I think about it, my son's summer job is taking care of my parents' yard. They pay him just as they would a landscaper. It's a hope of mine that he'll see how rewarding it is and branch out (so to speak) and find more clients.
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Syncletica
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| Posted: June 05 2008 at 10:51pm | IP Logged
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I've heard that parents should parent with the future in mind....I know from firsthand experience that a husband addicted to video games can make his wife a 'widow', and his children 'orphans', taking next to no interest in their lives. I agree that it's a good idea to get rid of them now while you can. (If your future daughter-in-law feels like a widow, it's possible she could act upon that, and then you may never see your (future)grandchildren again.) Just some thinking into the future.......
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momtimesfour
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| Posted: June 06 2008 at 4:10pm | IP Logged
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It's true we should think ahead to the young adults our children will someday be. This would be one reason that I insist on the boys learning household chores. (This is also an area I tend to be hard-hearted toward my MIL in as well. She did my husband no favor, by HIS admission, by not teaching him household skills. I am blessed that he is a person who strives to be more today than he was yesterday.) It's also why my daughter will be taught some basic car care (would you believe I had a car for about 3 years before I learned you were supposed to change the oil?).
I do think, however, it isn't just the games that are the issue. It's the inclination to escape. And I think this is something that many people struggle with - only the vehicle of escape changes for each of us. Some escapes (I'm thinking games here) are definitely more of a lure than others. Maybe that's something for me to pray more about - perhaps we're focusing overly much on the vehicle of escape rather than the character quality we'd like to see.
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teachingmom
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| Posted: June 07 2008 at 8:13pm | IP Logged
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Have you read "The Temperament God Gave You?" It is a fantastic book that helps in understanding the people around us. I might help to see how temperament plays into your 13 yo son's inclination to escape and how it can play into possible ways of motivating him.
I also second the idea of meaningful work. My 13 yo - a daughter - has worked for years, first as a midday dog walker for working neighbors, then as a mother's helper, and most recently as a babysitter. She really has a lot of maturity. I think some of it is her natural temperament, some is being the oldest of the family, and some is from having real responsibility to people outside the family from a young age.
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~Irene (Mom to 6 girls, ages 7-19)
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Combatting lack of interest in teen
