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Ruth
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 7:30am | IP Logged
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Cay Gibson wrote:
Ruth,
I think you did need to vent and you're venting to the right people. 
And I know how you feel (though we are a television family here) about having to defend our parenting choices in front of family.
I was faced with a little of the same thing this past weekend and blogged my thoughts.
Not sure if it will serve your thoughts but incase it does:
Embracing Our Position on Calvary |
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Wow, Cay! This is an excellent post! I wish I could've written that.  Thank you.
Thank you, all for your thoughts. Marybeth, you'll be in my prayers. 
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
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ALmom
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 12:47pm | IP Logged
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Oops, I hope no one thought I implied that simply setting the example would make everyone jump on board immediately. No, that doesn't happen all the time - actually rarely unless you are dealing with really like minded folks.
The point I was trying to make was that just doing things quietly (outside of others hearing) doesn't give as much fodder for others to work with - and also if your children are quietly obeying your rules, it does eventually tug at hearts and result in change plus eliminates some of the point of complaining. They seem happy so it is harder for someone else to argue that you are overboard or ruining your children. Once certain things becomes a habit on the part of your children - no one even necessarily knows it is a rule or practice fostered by mom and dad, kwim.
The point about not interfering with the other children, is that, in all liklihood, you are going to have to say something about not interfering with your parenting and you have strong moral ground on which to stand if you have already been practicing this and may be able to bring up that you do not tell him, in front of his children, that he is ruining their lives by letting them see things you don't allow your chidren to watch.
And, yes, if people consistently contradict your rules or it becomes too much of a temptation for our children and we have made every effort to resolve it (including forwarning children that we are going to ... house, and others may have the TV on - we are not to go in the room if the TV is on, blah, blah), then we might have to limit contact. I am grateful that we have only ever had to go to the forwarning children before leaving our house level. I am sorry if I sounded insensitive to others who have those who will not respect your authority with your children, even after repeated reminders. That does make it increasingly more difficult. I was hoping that being able to focus in on your immediate family and pronouncing rules to your children outside of earshot of those who don't agree with them might minimize the number of opportunities for them to complain about your parenting in front of your children. That is very, very upsetting..
Janet
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PDyer
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 1:21pm | IP Logged
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ALmom wrote:
| I am sorry if I sounded insensitive Janet |
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oh heavens no, Janet, not at all! I'm so sorry if what I said made you feel this way!
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Patty
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Roma
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 1:39pm | IP Logged
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Ruth wrote:
Just to correct myself, it was not my brother's house, it was my mother's. She knows how we feel about tv and will turn it off when we're there. |
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Ruth
I'm sorry that my brief post was poorly worded. I don't always have time to write long posts. It does make a difference that it wasn't his house.
One thing I try to keep in mind when dealing with family is how to avoid *drama*. I come from families that can way overdo it on the drama. When we went to family gatherings my parents would talk us through situations that were bound to happen (and always did), so we knew how to handle it and drama wouldn't escalate.
I would still handle the situation differently if it were my house vs. my mother's house. In my house the TV wouldn't be on to begin w/. If someone turned on a channel we dont' watch it would go of. If it were my mom's house I would talk to the children ahead of time and make sure they know what the rules are for our family and they need to leave the room if etc.... His children would view it as they are being punished for no reason, because they follow different rules and thus not look forward to the next time a visit happens. Games are always good distractions for the TV crisis: board games, card games, etc....
I am also trying to be mindful not to embarrass my child when those situations do come up. that is another reason i would quietly call my child out of the room trying to make it look like i needed something. my parents were always very good at that.
I did appreciate your post on your blog about the Catechism. I think the situation would lend to a great discussion with the child on why we don't watch those things. They stir up hormones in a teenager that a teenager doesn't fully understand and isn't ready to act on, etc.... It could become a good teachable moment without shame.
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Roma
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 1:43pm | IP Logged
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Ruth wrote:
Cay Gibson wrote:
Ruth,
I think you did need to vent and you're venting to the right people.
And I know how you feel (though we are a television family here) about having to defend our parenting choices in front of family.
I was faced with a little of the same thing this past weekend and blogged my thoughts.
Not sure if it will serve your thoughts but incase it does:
Embracing Our Position on Calvary |
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Wow, Cay! This is an excellent post! I wish I could've written that. Thank you.
Thank you, all for your thoughts. Marybeth, you'll be in my prayers. |
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that was an amazing post. you explained what was jumbled in my head.
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 2:07pm | IP Logged
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Ruth, I'm sorry that it was hard family get together. We have those types of events sometimes, too. Even with siblings that closely match our rearing, NO ONE does the same kind of parenting, and only your children are your responsibility.
I was just going to echo some of the advice here, with the caveat to say we are selective TV watching family. It's important that your children know your rules. The way to enforce them outside of your home is to take quietly out of the room. Many a time my mother would stand at the door and quietly call our name to come out, and then she would reprimand us in private (remind us that that show wasn't allowed).
One thing that is hard at family get-togethers is the kids going off to play (or watch) and adults talking to each other. It can be both a good and bad thing. If the adults aren't interacting with the children, there's more empty/dawdling time to find things to do, and Grandma's house isn't always the funnest place to be.
Bring some approved general viewing videos, so if the TV goes on, or even better before it does, have the suggested videos and make it a positive thing -- "Hey kids, come watch this!"
Also bring some games, books, coloring, outside toys -- just some things to do to occupy the children AWAY from the TV. When there's nothing else to do, the call of TV siren is pretty loud. And if you do some activities together as a family, the TV doesn't need to go on at all.
Another thing is talking with your children. I've found in my own experience there's a tricky balance to maintain. I've found some small discussions with the children (depending on ages) on why no TV, and specifics of different shows and channels. It's easy for my son to say "I can't watch Nickelodeon" or "We don't watch SpongeBob or Sesame Street" when the TV flips on.
I also remember as I got older my mother explaining a few general reasons why she didn't like some shows or the TV. It helped me understand a bit that my mom wasn't doing this only to make me look bad. It's okay if my kids say "Mommy says I can't watch this" and put the blame on me for now, but the real goal is for them to see the evil and make that their choice, too. I remember those light bulb moments "Now I see what Mom was talking about!"
We also have alternatives or compromises. If the TV is on, "Instead of Disney channel or Nickelodeon, do you have Boomerang? We like that channel." (Now, I'm not crazy about that channel, but it's some of the older cartoons. I know they weren't benign, but at least I know what to expect from them.) I will add that we usually don't have this problem during certain times of the year because SPORTS are on in one form or another, but then there's the commercial problem. (Another whole ball of wax.)
Remembering my own rebellious years, there will be times your children will want to "fit in" with others and taste forbidden fruits -- lots of human respect and peer pressure. And during those ages there is a lot of individual/alone time -- wanting to check out with video games and TV and not make the effort to play with everyone else. Again, I'd suggest not having those times lapse and do more family activities together, and if it happens your child does disobey, if he/she doesn't come out the room quietly, I would reprimand her/him at home in private. I remember making those scenes in front of relatives to make sure they knew I didn't approve of "Mom's rules". And then my mother got attacked. Just keep it between your family, so that you aren't left open to be criticized in this area.
Just a few thoughts....Do I remember this scenario at my paternal grandparents' house well!!!!
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Jennifer G. Miller
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 2:09pm | IP Logged
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Oh, and after all that, I just read Elizabeth's quote from Sally Clarkson. That was one of the things I'm trying to say, but I'm not as eloquent.
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Ruth
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 2:58pm | IP Logged
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One of my biggest faults is that I correct my children right away without first praying or thinking about what I'm going to say to them and end up making things worse. Now, I didn't yell at her; I spoke to her very quietly, but I did do it in front of the kids. I have been working on this for a while now, and now that your words are staring right at me, I'm hoping that it will help me remember what to do next time. This was very good advice.
I did read Elizabeth's post last week and I tried to tell that to the kids when we got home. I'm definately not that eloquent at all!
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Ruth
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JennGM
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| Posted: May 13 2008 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
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Ruth wrote:
| One of my biggest faults is that I correct my children right away without first praying or thinking about what I'm going to say to them and end up making things worse. Now, I didn't yell at her; I spoke to her very quietly, but I did do it in front of the kids. I have been working on this for a while now, and now that your words are staring right at me, I'm hoping that it will help me remember what to do next time. This was very good advice. |
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Ruth, It's one of my biggest faults, too. I'm hot-headed and quick tempered and talk without thinking and praying first. Do as I say, not as I do. I was writing out advice for myself, too. 
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Jennifer G. Miller
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Ruth
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 5:55am | IP Logged
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Thank you, Jenn. We'll pray for each other, ok?
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Ruth
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stacykay
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| Posted: May 14 2008 at 7:29am | IP Logged
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Ruth,
I am entering the discussion late. And I don't know that this is exactly relating to the incident at your mom's, but it does speak to the responsibility we have to control what our children see on tv.
Last night, I went to an Endow dinner and talk. The speaker was Teresa Tomeo, who used to be a reporter on our local ABC station. She moved away from the secular media about 8 years ago and is now on our local Catholic radio station with a morning show.
Her talk last night had so much good info about media, tv in particular, and what we have on in our homes and how it really does affect us. I couldn't do justice to her talk here, but in a nutshell, she said that women are so objectified by the media and that the majority of people are inclined to buy into the various tv shows' messages of what we "should be" ie. be thin but "built", rich, wear certain clothes, have certain relationships before marriage, etc.
She listed some things she thought would be helpful for us to read, including "Mulieris Dignitatem" and "Letter to Women" by John Paul II 1995.
She also gave us a handout with some questions for us to ponder this week. One of the questions is "How is the culture/media impacting my relationship with God and my family?" Of course, this could be turned to ask how is the culture/media impacting my children's relationship with God?.
I wish I had taken notes, but Teresa talks very fast, and I didn't want to miss anything! She does have a book called "Noise", which goes into great detail about media and it effects on us.
It is hard when family unfoundly criticize what we are trying so hard to preserve. Could you possibly talk to your brother privately? Would he even be amenable to it? It sounds like you handled it all very charitably!
After last night's talk, I know that there are areas I need to shore up here at home. It sure gave me a lot to think about!
God Bless,
Stacy in MI
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Help in persevering with our parenting
