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Medieval Mama
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| Posted: Feb 08 2008 at 3:05pm | IP Logged
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I forgot one thing!
DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN READ THIS BOOK!!!!!
His description of some of his patients problems contains graphic information that is wholly inappropriate for children to read, IMHO
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Wife to John
Mama to
Rachel 16
John Michael 15
Caroline 13
Robert 12
Justin 9
Cæli 7
McGregor 5
Marian Ireland 4 mos
TheSchamelotKingdom
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Ruth
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Cay Gibson wrote:
I picked it up at my library yesterday and had two sit-down chances to read through it. Thank you again, Ruth, for bringing it up.
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I haven't been online since early yesterday morning, so I haven't had a chance to read this through, but I do want to thank Elizabeth for recommending this book on my last post. Thank you so much!
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
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Servant2theKing
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I sometimes bristle over reading parenting books, because they can be overwhelming and guilt-inducing for a perfectionistic wannabe! Also, there can't possibly be any one-size-fits-all approach for parenting each and every unique, God-designed family. However, the outline posted by Medeival Mama has convinced me this book is definitely worthy of reading. (Thank you, Med. Mama!) Thankfully, our library system has several copies and I am anxiously awaiting the hold I just placed!
Meanwhile, one little observation. Over the years, along with several Catholic homeschooling peers, we have observed families from our own generation who seem to have survived unscathed from the increasing turbulence in society. The common element in those families whose adult children all have happy, faithful, intact family lives seems to be consistent, regular family prayer lives! The adage, "The family that prays together, stays together" is not just some trite saying...Family prayer breathes grace into the midst of families who embrace it wholeheartedly and it is the glue that can keep us all intact and attached to the Rock that saves us!!! Hmmmm, attachment parenting hand in hand with attachment Faith!
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All for Christ, our Saviour and King, servant
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Medieval Mama
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One MORE thing I forgot!
This book isn't just for parents with teens--it can benefit parents with children of any age.
I wish I'd read it years ago!
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Wife to John
Mama to
Rachel 16
John Michael 15
Caroline 13
Robert 12
Justin 9
Cæli 7
McGregor 5
Marian Ireland 4 mos
TheSchamelotKingdom
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JenniferS
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I am convinced dh and I need to read this. The outline posted, as well as other posts, have really piqued my interest. Dh has a wonderful lenten reflection book from his Monday morning men's group(That Man is You). It touches on many points brought up in this thread, too. I find that very ineresting. I'm going to get my hands on this book!!!
Jen
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mandamum
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I heard him speak and then bought the book--a friend I was listening with kept saying things like "Reason #29 to homeschool," LOL. In his book he makes a point of the parent-authority connection (parent-teacher, parent-coach, parent-babysitter, etc) "transferring" some of the attachment authority to the outside adult. I don't know if I can really describe it coherently, but if the parent meets the teacher/coach/sitter/etc first, and then introduces child to this other adult, an attached child will value the direction of this other adult because the parent (to whom they are attached) values it. He talks about having teachers over for dinner and so on...
I definitely recommend reading this book with any age. I found it helpful when people around me were saying, "OK, I can do the attachment parenting thing with an infant, or even a toddler, but what do I do once their needs aren't so clear, or so pressing?" I have a 2 and 5yo, and expect I'll be coming back to this book a lot.
In his talk, Dr. Neufeld started out by describing what made a child easy to teach/discipline (wants to please, wants to be like you, accepts as valuable what you value, etc), and then suggesting/discarding what would make a child that way. It was interesting to have it pointed out that how much the PARENT loved the CHILD was not what makes the child responsive (or how many techniques the parent had at hand, LOL), but rather how much the CHILD loves/looks to the PARENT. And then to be reminded that there are ways to fix/build up that love.
For those of you with older children wanting to fix attachment, Dr. Neufeld does write about making radical moves to reattach--like taking a teen daughter off on a father-daughter trip, that she was less than thrilled about at first, but ended up enjoying and reattaching during. In our house, we notice occasionally when older dd is having attachment issues with her dad, and just tuning him out. When he can back off and reattach, then he regains his authority as DADDY.
Reattaching can be helpful for us too--various attached mothers on this board/their blogs mention how focusing on our children can combat burnout. If you're attached to your child, you don't mind (as much) getting up with them at night and taking care of bodily fluids, and... but if we get detached, it's really really draining. The difference between changing your own child's diaper and the diaper of an aquaintance's child you met today--not the same thing at all.
--Amanda
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Bella
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I 've had this book for about two years now, started reading it,became overwhelmed and stopped reading. Even though my heart was screaming to me to keep with it, I didn't. My thoughts were along the lines of,"Yes, we've attachment-parented(AP) to this point, but is this really the direction we should continue on with?" Meanwhile, my relationship with our DD has been going downhill(she is only 11). Just last night, after much prayer aover frustration regarding DD, I looked over at all of my books, and took this book out. I am going to skip to Part four this time(thanks to whomever suggested that!). And many thanks to you Medieval Mama-your outline is amazing-I am going to have DH print it off. Oh- and yes, my DD *is* peer oriented-our HSing group isn't very cohesive,many of her friends are public or private schooled from around the neighborhood. This has resulted in a huge power struggle that has overflowed to other areas of our relationship. 
Oh- someone referred to a talk that Elizabeth gave. Would someone be so kind to provide a link? Thanks a bunch!
Blessings,
Christy
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Ruth
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| Posted: Feb 12 2008 at 8:28am | IP Logged
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Robynn has just started a yahoo group called "Hold on to Your Catholic Kids".
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
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Loreto Rosaries
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Bella
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Hmmm...Yahoo isn't cooperating with me.   I will try later.
Last night when I started to read Part four, I immediately got stuck at the part about not isolating our DC from us during times of discipline. Now, I've never been a big fan of time outs, but we've tried to use natural consequences whenever possible. When one of our DC has displayed what I would term as anti-social behavior, I have sent them away to another part of the house to get them to realize that if they behave that way, they lose the priviledge of being around others. Just yesterday I did this, and DS was so upset, screaming and crying the whole time. It didn't feel right to me at the time, but I just didn't know how else to handle the situation. I did reconnect with him afterwards. Ugh! This is hard!
Just my humble .02  
Christy
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wwandsprmn
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I know even with my older kids 12 & 17, they too do not like being isolated from the family as punishment. I do so only for specific, brief periods of time. I may tell them we both need 15 minutes to regroup. Please go to your room.
Another issue I blogged about not long ago was offering them mercy. They make mistakes. I find that when I approach their shortcomings will love, mercy and firmness we all do better and certainly feel better.
I am very interested in the book, I love this topic. My 17 yr old has NONE of the teenage peer focused, angst ridden, gobblity gook. It can be done.
One thing that helps enormously in my home is that this home is safe. Be a goof, be a nerd, we are all silly and we laugh a lot. We have goofy dance nights, games, we play make me laugh, and American Idol taking turns singing our worst.
When the kids are not doing something I often start by making up parody songs to get my point across...my most used one - "They say that waking up is hard to do, I was a teen so I know that it's true. Don't say that it is 8 am, instead of waking up, I will be draggin' your butt out again." It's softens the nagging mom and they know if they don't get a move on, my song will change to "I've got kids in grounded places, where there's no tv just sad faces"
Gotta order the book from the library...
TY
Robin
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Jamberry77
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Robin,
I love your silly songs. Thanks for sharing those!
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JenniferS
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Those songs are great. I'll have to remember that!!!
Jen
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JodieLyn
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Christy - haven't read the book.. but saw you post about not caring for time outs.. what I've found is that my kids will fall into an unhealthy form of self-talk (justifying self and making themselves the victim) so rather than a timeout.. I tend to do "wall time" where they stand against the wall near where I am. It allows me to monitor and direct them (or ignore them to give them time to get themselves under control) And yet removes them from the situation at the same time.
I thought that you might find that helpful because it does a lot of what time outs are supposed to do.. but doesn't isolate.
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G-18, B-17, G-15, G-14, B-13, B-11, G-9, B-7, B-5, B-4
All men who have turned out worth anything have had the chief hand in their own education.
-Sir Walter Scott
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St. Ann
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I started reading this book last week and have been talking about it with some like minded moms here. It is also in German, so I don't have to suffer trying to translate certain passages  .
Dr. Neufeld travels a lot for speaking engagements.
March 4, 2008 - Thousand Oaks, California - a evening presentation for parents on Hold On To Your Kids
March 5, 2008 - San Rafael, California - an evening presentation on Cultivating Caring Children
I got the info from his website.
California is big, so I don't know if these towns are anywhere near any of you.
He will be touring Germany in September!!!!! Good news for my friends here. I'll be in the States. 
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Stephanie
Wife and mother to Hannah '96, Maria '99, Dorothea '01, Helena '03
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Ruth
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I was very surprised this morning when I read,
"Collecting our children is also important after the separation caused by sleep. Mornings would be a lot different in many families if the parent did not insist on parenting until the child had been properly collected... It was well worth the investment of getting up ten minutes earlier to start the day with this collecting ritual instead of going directly into high-gear parenting. Children are designed to start in first gear, no matter how old they are and how mature they become."
Any ideas on how we can do this?
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Ruth
mom to 7 miracles
My family blog
Loreto Rosaries
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Medieval Mama
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I know of a mother of 12 who used to get up and go with her coffee or tea to a rocker in the kitchen. As each child awoke and came downstairs, she'd take them into her lap and snuggle, just for a little while, or until the next child emerged. One of her children told me once, that every one of those twelve kids thought he was the favorite.
I think my kids like it when I make each one of them eggs for breakfast, individually, but I can't bring myself to do that every morning. Snuggling is nice.
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Wife to John
Mama to
Rachel 16
John Michael 15
Caroline 13
Robert 12
Justin 9
Cæli 7
McGregor 5
Marian Ireland 4 mos
TheSchamelotKingdom
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Lisbet
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I do something very similar to what Robynn described. I have my coffe, blanket, and snugglers trail down one by one. (I've snuggled 3 already this morning!) The problem? - they stop this one their own after they are about 6 or 7. I'm REALLY struggling with how AP works with the older child - esp. those that shun physical affection. I do make eye contact, smile, and offer breakfast, etc...
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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wwandsprmn
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While my older kids (17 & 12) are still very attached and physical, it does come in waves. With my son, sometimes I sit on his bed and scratch his back. He loves to have his back scratched so this is a cheap ploy on my part but hey, mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do. My daughter likes it when I brush the hair off her face and give her kisses on her forehead. She loves to have her feet rubbed too and she loves hugs. They both initially react in horror when I chase them through the house and tickle them to the floor but they love it.
Also I think there is one thing that builds this in older children and I think it's hearing lots of stories about them. Their birth, when they were little, the words they used, the funny things they did. They lose sight of that smaller child and we are their only connection to it. We were there, we remember, and no one loved them more. When mommy's share those stories, the love we have for them is undeniable, and they can somehow feel it when thinking about it from the younger child's perspective. I try to litter our week with this so they never lose touch with the fact they are my babies. I always try to point out what was unique or special about them.
I think of this in the same way I think of praying to the Infant Jesus. Different people relate to Jesus differently and visualize him differently. In my contrite heart during confession I pray to the crucified Jesus, in my joy the Resurrected Jesus, etc. It helps to have a visual to connect to in this way, for me at least.
I think for adolescents it's tough to find the mommy, mama, or mom they can relate to.
I also think it's important to see mom and dad hugging, playful and affectionate.
Moreover I couldn't agree more that morning and evenings set a tone in the home, a powerful one.
Blessings, Robin
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Lisbet
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Robin, Thank you. You have given me much to think about. Especially the visual of the different visualizations of Jesus - that makes so much sense.
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Lisa, wife to Tony,
Mama to:
Nick, 17
Abby, 15
Gabe, 13
Isaac, 11
Mary, 10
Sam, 9
Henry, 7
Molly, 6
Mark, 5
Greta, 3
Cecilia born 10.29.10
Josephine born 6.11.12
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chrisv664
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I just found this thread today and I really wish I had more time to dig into it! I have two friends who are really struggling with teen issues. Both these families homeschooled for a time and the problems seemed to intensify when the children re-entered school. Both homes have stay-at-home moms, intact marriages,are church-going (you get the idea). I don't know if either of them subscribed to the attachment parenting philosophy whole-heartedly, nor do I think they pushed their children into transferring attachment needs from adults to their peers too early ( a comment from Publisher's Weekly on Amazon) either. I am curious to read ideas on what went wrong, and how, as a parent, one goes about re-connecting. I plan on a trip to the library this afternoon to get going on this not only for my friends, but for myself! ( I have a 20-yr. old, two teens and a soon-to-be teen in April.) This is all very timely for me. Thank you for all the great posts, and the book recommendation!
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Chris
Loving Wife of Dan and Mom to Kate, Jessica, Ben,
Rebecca, Thomas and Hannah
Burning The Candle At Both Ends
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4Real Forums : Mothering and Family Life
Topic: Hold on to Your Kids ???
