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EmilyC
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Does anyone else have a dh that wants nothing to do with teaching the children the faith? He was raised Catholic, and I converted shortly after our marriage. One of my motivators for converting was that we would have family unity--but that's the opposite of what we have now. 
When our twins were born, we pretty much stopped going to mass. He said it was because it was a waste to just sit in the noisy cry room for the entire mass. We couldn't hear, and we weren't really participating. Well, now the twins are 5 and we still don't go to mass. Our dd made 1st communion last year, and we managed to get her to mass most weeks, but the minute she made her communion, that was it.
I feel frustrated, because I try really hard to teach the children our faith, and we read about saints, and follow the liturgical year--I feel like a hypocrite. Dh just wants nothing to do with any of it. I don't drive, so I can't just take the kids myself. My MIL is very close, and she will take dd to mass sometimes, but I really want all of us to go.
My MIL mentioned to me that it would be neat if for dh and I's 10th anniversary this summer we got our marriage blessed. Yes, it would be neat, I've been wanted to do that for the past 6 years, but dh is totally uninterested, and I doubt our priest (who is very strict about these sorts of things) would even agree to do it based on the fact that we don't even attend mass more than 2-3 times a year.
I'm sorry for rambling. I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've been praying for so long and just nothing is happening. Has anyone had a dh like this and he came around??
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Leslie
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Hi Emily,
I wish I had solutions for you, I just want you to know you are not alone. I too am struggling with getting the family to mass (my husband came into the church at the same time I did, but he seems to be waivering a great deal in his committment). The deep desire is there. Yet, I find I allow myself to get overwhelmed with how difficult it is with 3 young kids and a husband who doesn't really want to be there. I feel a lot of pain about this (and guilt). Maybe we could pray together about this?
Leslie,
Kyler 6
Maddie almost 4
Lucas almost 2
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EmilyC
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Leslie, I will definitely pray for you about this. It is a challenge to to have 3 young children in mass with a dh who already didn't want to be there--especially when he give the whole "I told you so" look when they start acting up.
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MaryatHome
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Having lived through a similar situation, I can tell you what "worked" for me.
I stopped talking about it. Never mentioned Mass or the Faith to DH. My situation was a little more typical in that I could drive myself, and later the kids, to Mass without him. But if your MIL is willing to take your daughter, I'll bet she is willing to take all of you. Ask her if she will, and ask her to not nag her son about it either.
It will most likely be a challenge at first, if your twins have not been attending Mass. They will be restless and distractable. Don't make a big deal of it, and don't retreat to the cry room. Try sitting up front and taking advantage of resources like Magnifikid, etc. to prepare them. Set up "rewards" for appropriate behavior as they learn.
There was a time where I was taking our children to Mass alone, wiggly toddler and fussy baby included. DH was a "CEO" (Christmas and Easter only) Catholic at the time. He went from not getting out of bed when I would get up and start getting the kids ready, to getting up and helping get them ready, to telling them that it was time to go and no giving your mother trouble, to sometimes coming with us, to coming and participating, to today, where he is an officer in the Knights of Columbus and involved in parish life. That is the Reader's Digest condensed version, because we have now been married almost 19 years. No, we don't pray the family rosary every day, nor have deep intense theological discussions around the dinner table with the teen children. But we do more than just Sunday Mass now, and it's a good thing.
I cannot say it enough, though: Carry on as if you had his full support. Pray for him, but don't make a big deal about your prayers. Expect that he will at least support your decision and not let the young children whine their way out of Mass. By the time mine were old enough to try that trick ("But Daddy doesn't come"), he was on board enough to tell them it was non-negotiable for them. Do it calmly and quietly, even when it is hard (and there will be times when it is). But don't let his "issues" drive your decision. I never asked why DH took that attitude, though I suspected what his rationale was, because it truly was HIS problem, not mine.
Your commitment AND lack of nagging and drama will do far more than anything else to give example to his heart. And if he never comes back, don't feel as if you have failed--at the end of the day, God knows his heart and his degree of culpability. And God will know yours too.
I'll keep praying for you.
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Barbara C.
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You're not alone in these struggles. My husband is not Catholic and very reticent about the Church in general. When we were married (in the Catholic Church where I received all my sacraments growing up), we figured that we would work out the "church thing" eventually. It's been almost eight years, and nothing has been resolved.
When we lived closer to her, my MIL assisted me in getting the kids to weekly Mass, but since we moved that's been pretty impossible. At various times we have tried various "compromise" churches without the kids, but nothing has stuck yet. And lately, I feel too worn down by the pregnancy to deal with the extra stress of trying to get everyone to any church.
I totally second a lot of the emotions that Leslie mentions: deep desire, being overwhelmed, pain, and of course good old Catholic guilt. And I have to tread lightly with my older daughter when it comes to religion, because she's the sort that if I push too much on her of anything she is apt to reject it just because that is her personality. She loves that God created the whole world and everything in it, but at the same time she blames God when things go wrong. "Why did God have to make the world work that way?" She's only five, and she's already philosophizing on innocent suffering (at least that's how she perceives it when she doesn't get her own way).
Is there anyway that your husband would be willing to drop you and the kids off at Mass and pick you up afterwards? Or can you go with your MIL. I know that it's not what you really want, but it may be better than nothing. I'll be praying for you.
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EmilyC
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Alas, MIL's car cannot fit all three kids and me. She will take dd sometimes because she's the one who was priority (making first communion). I'll go sometimes, but it makes me feel more guilty that I couldn't bring the twins too.
I try not to nag, most Sunday's I'll go in and wake dh and just ask, how about mass today? Most weeks he'll just roll over and go back to sleep. I usually leave it at that, and go on about my day.
Thank you for the prayers and advice. It means a lot to me.
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Emily,
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LisaR
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Emily and others in similar situations: I will pray for all of you.
I wonder if there is a way you could ask dh to drop you and the kiddos off for Sat night Mass, or a later Sunday Mass? Just as he probably drops you off/takes you shopping or the library.
Other than asking for the ride (it IS important for you and your dd to go)I would not ask him to attend, or bring it up for awhile.
and, about your marriage, does it need to be convalidated? were you married outside of the Church?
praying here, I grew up in a situation like this.
I am so glad that you asked for prayers/support here. DO NOT feel guilty. It is a struggle that many have. I admire you for trying to figure it out.
Peace of Christ
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UK Mum
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1 Peter 3
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
I remember this scripture a lot, for when dh & i have differences., for example homeschooling. i resisted the urge to go on & on about it, & he changes his mind & we now homeschool. I hope it encourages you too
(i am not saying you dh is not saved, btw. my own dh is saved, but i still use this verse)
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EmilyC
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LisaR wrote:
Emily and others in similar situations: I will pray for all of you.
I wonder if there is a way you could ask dh to drop you and the kiddos off for Sat night Mass, or a later Sunday Mass? Just as he probably drops you off/takes you shopping or the library.
Other than asking for the ride (it IS important for you and your dd to go)I would not ask him to attend, or bring it up for awhile.
and, about your marriage, does it need to be convalidated? were you married outside of the Church?
praying here, I grew up in a situation like this.
I am so glad that you asked for prayers/support here. DO NOT feel guilty. It is a struggle that many have. I admire you for trying to figure it out.
Peace of Christ |
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He doesn't want to get up early, so he doesn't want to go out at all. There are 2 evening masses, but both are right around dinner time, and he doesn't want to be rushed. So, it just doesn't happen. It's too far for him to drop us off, so he'd have to just hang out in the parking lot, come in, or go to walmart--none of which seem to appeal to him.
We were married in a civil ceremony, so it would be nice to have our marriage made more "official" in the eyes of the church. I suppose it's not terribly important, and certainly not something I plan to nag dh about, but it's something that I would definitely like to do.
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Emily,
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EmilyC
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UK Mum wrote:
1 Peter 3
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
I remember this scripture a lot, for when dh & i have differences., for example homeschooling. i resisted the urge to go on & on about it, & he changes his mind & we now homeschool. I hope it encourages you too
(i am not saying you dh is not saved, btw. my own dh is saved, but i still use this verse) |
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Thank you for this reminder. I try very hard to be submissive--but is it right to be submissive when it causes us to sin? This is where I'm struggling. I am submitting to him by not pushing the issue of going to mass, but then we are sinning by not going to mass. And now it's causing my dd to sin.
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Emily,
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LisaR
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Emily, it sounds like he does not want it to work for you and your daughter. My next step would be to maybe suggest finding a family who could pick you and your dd up for Mass? It might be humbling, but trust me, there would be those who would like to help you in this way.
also, your civil marriage should have been "caught" before you entered into the Catholic Church. It should have been convalidated before you were able to enter in. It is a big deal, but in good ways. If you want to chat more about this you could PM me, or talk to your priest about it.
I am continuing to pray for you. you are not alone!
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Lisa
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SusanMc
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I just want to second the recommendation to ask for help in transportation. Speaking for myself, I know if a mother I knew was in this situation, I would gladly help whenever I was able.
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Angie Mc
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EmilyC wrote:
I try very hard to be submissive--but is it right to be submissive when it causes us to sin? This is where I'm struggling. I am submitting to him by not pushing the issue of going to mass, but then we are sinning by not going to mass. And now it's causing my dd to sin.
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Hi Emily, this is a difficult cross to carry - one that God will give you the grace to carry  . Sometimes if I'm struggling with the word *submissive* I change it to *respectful*. For some reason (probably a cultural one) the word *respectful* helps to steer me in the right direction. A few thoughts...
There is a very good chance that your dh was raised to be exactly *this type* of Catholic. My dad was like this when I was growing up. My dh was like this when we first married twenty years ago. Where we were raised, there were very few men who attended Mass regularly - just the moms and children went. It really takes a lot of time, patience, and prayer to shift away from what is ingrained into our very being. My dad does attend Mass now, but it has been a long and hard struggle for him. My dh attends daily Mass now and still feels like he has so much to learn, so much lost time to make up for. As women, we need to be sympathetic with those men who were not shown the richness of the Church and need to start from scratch. It's like the difference between Grandma showing you how to knit all through your childhood and trying to figure out how to knit on your own...it can be done but the second way is much more difficult.
It doesn't sound like the two of you have clarified your expectations of each other. I would find it very difficult to wake up every Sunday not knowing my family plan - whatever that plan is. Perhaps it would be easier to proceed if you talked briefly, in a calm and loving way, about what each of you wants. You can say, "Honey, I really love you and want to respect your wishes. It appears to me that you don't want to attend Mass at this time. If this is true, it would help me to know for sure so that I can figure out how to proceed because I really don't want to bother you about this and I would like for me and the kids to go each Sunday." It is really important that you approach him from a place of love and respect. Keep to solving this specific challenge - how to get mom and the children to Mass. Leave any discussion about the rightness or wrongness of the situation for another time.
The counterpart to *not nagging* is, giving attention to the positive things that your dh does. Sometimes when a cross like this is in a family, it takes over. It is as if it blots out all that is good. Then the person who *isn't stacking up* feels like *nothing they do is right*, that they are *unappreciated* and they can be tempted to resent the *cause* of their disrespect - the Church. We need to be very careful to not turn the Church into the enemy. The Church is about love, forgiveness, and all that is good. Those who are privileged to know and live this are obligated to share their understanding and joy, mainly through our behaviors (we love to go to Mass even when it is difficult...we come home from Mass full of Eucharistic grace...we are most pleasant and happy after we return home from Mass...going to Mass makes us want to be Christ-like...we want to make the day special...maybe make our dh's favorite dinner, etc.) We keep in mind that we are being watched closely, for proof that going to Mass is a good for the whole family.
You have received some wonderful ideas about how to get you and your children to Mass. You haven't mentioned why you don't drive, but if it is possible, perhaps this is a good time to get your drivers license - even if you only use it to drive on Sunday.
Mary's post is really on target - full of a realistic and hopeful suggestions. Reading it made me cry!
Sorry to go on and on...can you tell this is a cross that is close to my heart?  Speaking of crosses, any sacrifice that you make in these regards, you can offer up - join your suffering to Christ's. Find a prayer (to St. Monica?) or bible verse that speaks to you and pray it often to help you to focus and trust that God is taking excellent care of your family!
You are doing great, Emily!
Love,
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Barbara C.
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The only other thing that I could think of would be to try to set aside the time when Mass is happening at your local church to go over that Sunday's readings with the children at home. Maybe say the Rosary and sing some appropriate hymns or listen to some sacred music. Just stop and acknowledge with your kids that it is a special time that should be dedicated to prayer and worship of the Lord.
I know that it is not the same as going to Mass and receiving the sacrament, but again it may be better than nothing. I also do not know what the rules are for receiving the sacrament at home. Of course, that might put your husband in a compromising position as you try to explain why you can't get to Mass.
Again, lots of prayers.
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Maddie
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Prayer here for you too. I'm sure you've thought this through, but is there any way you could get your licence? If dh won't teach you, maybe another h/s mom will? I taught another h/s mom how to drive, she was from a foreign country and was terrified to navigate the DC area  but now she drives all over the place with her children and I am so proud of her! I'm about to begin teaching another h/s mom how to drive, she's 35, dh won't teach her, her parents never got around to it and now that she wants to h/s she is determined to drive!
Perhaps on Sundays you could do the Mass readings with the children and do Spiritual Communions? Or maybe watch EWTN's Mass and make it quiet time for the children. This way they can practice being good and quiet without the pressure while you work things out.
ETA: I must have been typing when Barabara was posting.
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mama251ders
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I am praying about this for you. Could you call the church office and ask if there is another family or parishioner who would be willing to pick you up? You could ask the person in charge of the church bulletin to put an ad in asking for a ride to church every Sunday. Not only would this help you get to Mass, but you may just get to know another family or person who could possibly be instrumental in your faith journey. If your family became friendly with another family of faith, your husband might be inspired to step up a bit more in this situation. HTH!
Blessings,
Betsie
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Erin
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Emily
Could you approach your priest to ask if there is someone in the parish who is able to fit your family in their car and willing to pick you up? I'm sure there would be someone in your parish willing to do so. Perhaps your church has a parish bus.
I have a friend who came back to the church when her children were little,she started going to Mass with three littlies on her own and just prayed for her husband. One mother's day he came to Mass as a gift for her and he never stopped attending. I really encourage you in your journey.
ETA: Just noticed Betsy suggested the same idea.
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dawn2006
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The deep desire is there. Yet, I find I allow myself to get overwhelmed with how difficult it is with 3 young kids and a husband who doesn't really want to be there.
Me, too..me, too!
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Emily,
You will be in my prayers. There are lot of good suggestions here and I don't have any to add. I also don't have your situation with you dh--mine humbles me with how far ahead in the faith he is.
I did want to add a note about having your kids at Mass. I hope you can start to go regularly with all your kids and I wanted to affirm that is is really hard to take littles to Mass. We go almost every day with two little ones and I have to battle every day the temptation to think that it's pointless to go when you need to be in the back, in the narthex, in the cry room, whatever the whole time. It is completely worth it to go even then. Pray any way you can and offer up your sufferings as your children misbehave. Your dh will always be right when he says the children will misbehave. Almost all children misbehave in some way at church. Our 3yo has just started behaving well after three years of daily Mass attendance.
Anyway, I'm offering this in the spirit of hoping that you have this problem soon! I will be praying for your family.
Susan
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One other thought.. there are times that I don't want to get up to go to Church
So since your dh isn't seeing the importance or such. Perhaps you can plan something like a nice breakfast or cinnamon rolls and coffee or whatever would be tempting to get out of bed for.. early enough that Church would be a possibility afterward.
Or you mentioned Saturday being at dinner time.. perhaps you could scooch dinner earlier enough to have the relaxed meal and still have the time..
Sorta taking away those excuses without making it "hurry up and eat so we can get to church"
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4Real Forums : Domestic Church
Topic: Dh doesn't want to go to church
